outsidethebox Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 It's been 4 years since my wife past. Why do I still feel so lost and alone? To be honest, I'm surprised I'm still here. Lord knows I've drank enough liqueur and took enough pills to wonder why I'm still alive. It does take away the pain, I'm trying to stop, yet it's 4:30 and I've been drinking all night. I know my wife would be disappointed if she saw me like this. I often wonder why I'm still alive, as of right now, I see no future. No happiness, just more loneliness. I guess it's my cross to bear. Thanks for letting me vent. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeginnersMind Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 So sorry Westside. Life is so short and precious. Not just hers but yours. I can’t really understand what you are feeling, but I and so many offer our compassion. You are not the only person that feels like this. There are so many people who feel some version of what you feel. This board (And the Internet) is not much of a place to seek and find the best support but what we can offer, I'm sure we do. Not all the advice that's sure to come but just the "We are here." It's real and true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweats Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Oh dude, that sucks. They say that time heals everything, but that’s horse shite. One day at a time, bro......trust me, things will get better and there are better times ahead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nervous Guy Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Having lost someone who was very dear to me I understand where you are coming from. The day Danny passed forever changed my life, things will never be the same...life is less joyful, and I can't imagine it getting better. But I have come to the understanding that this was part of a plan and not some random event...your wife lives on and is with you, she's not really gone. I know this doesn't lessen the hurt, and it doesn't stop you from thinking of her constantly...but you still do have a reason for being here...and it' not to just feel pain. You will never lessen the pain with pills or booze, it'll just perpetuate it. Try to find meaning in everyday things, appreciate this life we have, you will see her again. Feel free to PM me, I have things to share that will make you at least consider that we never really lose our loved ones. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill from NYC Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Brother, PLEASE hang in there and do not be embarrassed to seek help. I will be praying for you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BuffaloBill Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Westy there is nothing wrong with venting. You lost someone very dear to you. Prayers go out for you. As others have said the pills and booze will not help you and may destroy you. Hope you are able to stop as you wish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BringBackFergy Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 So sorry Westy. Pray you find some comfort during this difficult time. As always, we are here either via public posts or PM’s. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Your Brown Eye Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 I'm sorry you're still grieving. Be strong. Try to live your life in honor of her. Make her proud looking down upon you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cripple Creek Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 3 hours ago, westside said: It's been 4 years since my wife past. Why do I still feel so lost and alone? To be honest, I'm surprised I'm still here. Lord knows I've drank enough liqueur and took enough pills to wonder why I'm still alive. It does take away the pain, I'm trying to stop, yet it's 4:30 and I've been drinking all night. I know my wife would be disappointed if she saw me like this. I often wonder why I'm still alive, as of right now, I see no future. No happiness, just more loneliness. I guess it's my cross to bear. Thanks for letting me vent. I have no words to ease your pain Westie, just knowledge that you are cared about. Keep hanging in please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuvian Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Feeling your pain. Westie booze and pills will eventually kill you. Don't go out this way. There is a lot of love in the world Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Another Fan Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Battled anxiety and depression for most of my life. You can beat this crap Westside. My very best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gugny Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Wishing you well, Westie. Stay strong, brother, and please think about accepting some help from those going through similar pain. There are lots of people, here, who genuinely care. And don't forget your open invitation to any 518 Luncheon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnC Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 5 hours ago, westside said: It's been 4 years since my wife past. Why do I still feel so lost and alone? To be honest, I'm surprised I'm still here. Lord knows I've drank enough liqueur and took enough pills to wonder why I'm still alive. It does take away the pain, I'm trying to stop, yet it's 4:30 and I've been drinking all night. I know my wife would be disappointed if she saw me like this. I often wonder why I'm still alive, as of right now, I see no future. No happiness, just more loneliness. I guess it's my cross to bear. Thanks for letting me vent. As others have said reach out to someone (pastor, groups, counseling) and share your pain. You will realize that the burden of sadness that you are enduring is the same experience that others have endured. They can help you as you can help them. Don't give up. It's not easy but reach out. What you feel has been felt by many others. You are not as alone as you think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Poojer Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Please seek help as soon as possible. I cannot imagine your pain, but don't add to it. Your wife, as you pointed out would probably be disappointed. Make her legacy your pulling yourself up and living your life in honor of her memory. You posting this is a very positive first step in turning this around! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guffalo Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Although I can't speak from that type of experience, you must be able to feel her around you. The fact that you know she would be dissapointed with you means that she is still deeply in your heart. Listen to her, she wants you to get better, to make a step or two forward. She will be with you the whole way. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keukasmallies Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Westside, let me share something with you. I was in Buffalo General for six weeks in 1992, big time illness, depressed to the point my MD asked a psychiatrist to see me. He seemed a like a nice guy, didn't mince words as he talked to me about suicide; he said one particular thing that stuck with me: Suicide is the most selfish thing you can do because family, friends, etc. are left to wonder why, what did they do to you to make you abandon them. Not preaching here, just sharing a life experience with a fellow TBD poster.... 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eball Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Hope you find peace, brother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pine Barrens Mafia Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Westie, always remember that there's hope even in the darkest situations. If you continue to fight, you haven't lost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasons1992 Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 You have friends here, keep in touch. Be sure to try and seek counsel around you to help you get through this. There are people who CAN help; you need to find them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boyst Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Be strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jr1 Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 join a dating site Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fadingpain Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 12 hours ago, westside said: It's been 4 years since my wife past. Why do I still feel so lost and alone? To be honest, I'm surprised I'm still here. Lord knows I've drank enough liqueur and took enough pills to wonder why I'm still alive. It does take away the pain, I'm trying to stop, yet it's 4:30 and I've been drinking all night. I know my wife would be disappointed if she saw me like this. I often wonder why I'm still alive, as of right now, I see no future. No happiness, just more loneliness. I guess it's my cross to bear. Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry to hear this news. The fact that you are writing this tells me you are seeking help. You should consider seeking out a professional counselor who can help you through this tough time, get you off your diet of self-medication (that's not going to help long term) and, if necessary, prescribe some medication that might be able to help with depression or just stabilize your mood better. Go do it! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaska Darin Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Pitiful. She'd be ashamed of who you've become. The best thing you can do to honor her is to actually live. Be a good person...an example for others to emulate. No one in today's society is lonely for any reason other than choice. If you need help, seek it. I can promise you that there are no good answers at the bottom of a liquor bottle or jar of pills. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeF Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Westie--I am so sorry for your loss. I remember when your wife passed. How can we help you? This is a national/international network of folks who are your sisters and brothers. We have folks on this board who have lost spouses & children. We know counselors all around the county. We love you because you are one of us and we want to help. If you are embarrassed to think about what your wife would think of you today, then tap into the TBD resource. PM someone, post another message, get help. Reach out, don't stay within yourself. You don't have the answers to move forward alone...only by reaching out to others can you find them. Sharing your grief outside of yourself will lead to support that you cannot today imagine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Augie Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 (edited) I’m so very sorry for your loss. I don’t know your pain, but I know very deep pain. I just returned a couple hours ago from the funeral for my 28 year old son. It’s devastating, but God doesn’t give us things we can’t handle. You can do this. We have, as a family and individually, sought counseling and it’s been very helpful. I’ll be honest, you have to find the right person where you really connect. The first therapist is not always the answer, but you keep trying. It helps, I promise. Before relapsing after 3 years clean (and dying of an accidental OD snort laced with fentanyl), my son was an admissions counselor at a mental health and addiction facility. He often said that “suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary condition”. It may seem to be too much to overcome, but your wife is cheering for you to do exactly that. You can do this! Make her proud! Take care, my friend. P.S. - the alcohol and pills do NOT take away the pain, they just mask it. Not a healthy path. You need to face the loss (maybe with some help) to get past it. It will never disappear, but you learn to move forward, and you can find some joy again. I promise. Edited May 15, 2018 by Augie 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnC Posted May 16, 2018 Share Posted May 16, 2018 1 hour ago, Augie said: I’m so very sorry for your loss. I don’t know your pain, but I know very deep pain. I just returned a couple hours ago from the funeral for my 28 year old son. It’s devastating, but God doesn’t give us things we can’t handle. You can do this. We have, as a family and individually, sought counseling and it’s been very helpful. I’ll be honest, you have to find the right person where you really connect. The first therapist is not always the answer, but you keep trying. It helps, I promise. Before relapsing after 3 years clean (and dying of an accidental OD snort laced with fentanyl), my son was an admissions counselor at a mental health and addiction facility. He often said that “suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary condition”. It may seem to be too much to overcome, but your wife is cheering for you to do exactly that. You can do this! Make her proud! Take care, my friend. P.S. - the alcohol and pills do NOT take away the pain, they just mask it. Not a healthy path. You need to face the loss (maybe with some help) to get past it. It will never disappear, but you learn to move forward, and you can find some joy again. I promise. Augie, My condolences. You trying to help another person while in the midst of your own grief reflects your kind and generous heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Augie Posted May 16, 2018 Share Posted May 16, 2018 8 minutes ago, JohnC said: Augie, My condolences. You trying to help another person while in the midst of your own grief reflects your kind and generous heart. To be more accurate, it was an out of town funeral (in Hilton Head Island, where he was born). The funeral was Saturday and we just drove back, but he died and was cremated back in January. Hours after the January service, I could barely breath, but time passes, and while the pain never goes away, you learn to move forward. It’s what they want us to do, so I do my best.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bad Things Posted May 16, 2018 Share Posted May 16, 2018 So sorry to hear about your loss, Westside. Keep on keeping on... one day at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExiledInIllinois Posted May 16, 2018 Share Posted May 16, 2018 (edited) 17 hours ago, Bill from NYC said: Brother, PLEASE hang in there and do not be embarrassed to seek help. I will be praying for you. I second this. Westside... You gotta seek help. I know we don't see eye to eye on some things, but you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself. "Holidays must end as you know. All is memory taken home with me..." Like Bill has said: "Hang in there." Please don't self-medicate with drugs. I will leave you with... I am especially fond of this interpretation of the song. Let it ease your pain. "I sing this song to my children at bedtime - to me, this song is a lullaby that commemorates and reveres the memories of our childhood. "All is memory, taken home with me" - when the vacation ends, when your childhood ends, when your home is no more - you will always have this clear, happy memory. And when you remember it as an adult, you will begin to understand what you couldn't understand then as a child when you experienced it - the sadness and pain the man in 119 must have felt, listening to Aida over and over, refusing his breakfast. And now that you've lived as much life as the man in 119 has, you can imagine yourself in his place, listening to a beautiful piece of music to ease your grief, losing your appetite from the suffering you feel. It comes full circle." Edited May 16, 2018 by ExiledInIllinois Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KD in CA Posted May 16, 2018 Share Posted May 16, 2018 It's time to man up and get back on the horse. Find a widows/widowers group and ask one of the ladies if she'd like to get a cup of coffee. You need to start by cultivating some companionship. You need to start engaging in life again. Humans aren't designed to live alone. Don't be a kitty -- put the booze down and just !@#$ing do it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sig1Hunter Posted May 16, 2018 Share Posted May 16, 2018 I've not gone through what you are going through, but we all go through seasons of life that are valleys. Some valleys can be much deeper, and longer than others. As long as you keep walking, you are guaranteed to find yourself on a mountaintop somewhere, though. The key is to keep walking. I read a book titled "No Hero". It was written by a Navy SEAL, and one particular excerpt always stood out to me. He is telling a story about climbing this massive rock face. In the middle of the climb, the instructor notices he's starting to panic. Below is the excerpt: Hey, man,” the trainer said said in a lazy, raspy voice. “Just stay in your three-foot world.” I was a couple of hundred feet up the rock face and I could barely think, let alone decipher his cryptic advice. “What the hell are you talking about, bro?” “Only focus on your three-foot world,” he said.” Focus on what you can affect. You keep looking around, and none of that can help you right now, can it?” I shook my head no.“You’re calculating how far you’re going to fall,” the instructor said. “You’re looking down at Jeff, but he’s not going to come up and help. You’re looking out at the Strip. What are you going to do, gamble your way to the top? Don’t look at me. I’m not going to help you either. This is up to you. You’re climbing this rock. Stay in your three-foot world.” Step, by step. Focus on what you can control. Keep pushing. Know that you aren't alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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