ExiledInIllinois Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 Just in time for the autumnal season: What do you call an artsy pumpkin? ...An avant-gourd! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC Tom Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 A physicist walks into a bar with a bird on his shoulder. The bird starts squawking, "Pieces of seven!" over and over again. The bartender says, "What's with the bird?" The physicist says, "Parity violation." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExiledInIllinois Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 A physicist walks into a bar with a bird on his shoulder. The bird starts squawking, "Pieces of seven!" over and over again. The bartender says, "What's with the bird?" The physicist says, "Parity violation." A good comedian knows their audience. ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC Tom Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 A good comedian knows their audience. ;-) I know my audience. They're idiots. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExiledInIllinois Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 I know my audience. They're idiots. Then stop telling jokes over their heads! :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC Tom Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 Then stop telling jokes over their heads! :-) Why should I make it my problem? They're the idiots, they can deal with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RaoulDuke79 Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 (edited) A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his trousers. Walks up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him and says "I'll get you that beer, but first you gotta tell me what the steering wheel is for." The pirate looks at the bartender and says "AARRGG! It be drivin' me NUTS!" Love that one. Good ol simple low brow humor. What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 30 lbs. Edited September 16, 2017 by RaoulDuke79 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RaoulDuke79 Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 Guy walks into his house and says "honey pack your bags, I just hit the lottery". She says "where are we going? what should I pack?" ... He says "I dont care, just get the hell out." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelly the Dog Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 Why should I make it my problem? They're the idiots, they can deal with it. Wouldn't idiots not be able to deal with it? Otherwise they may not be idiots. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Jack Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 Guy walks into his house and says "honey pack your bags, I just hit the lottery". She says "where are we going? what should I pack?" ... He says "I dont care, just get the hell out." I keep telling my fiancé that she'll be the second one I call when I hit the lottery. The first? Chef Jim so he can tell me how to hide the winnings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TakeYouToTasker Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 (edited) What do brussel sprouts and anal sex have in common? If you're forced to have either as a kid you probably won't enjoy them as an adult. Edited September 16, 2017 by TakeYouToTasker Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhoTom Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 Love that one. Good ol simple low brow humor. What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 30 lbs. That reminds me... What's the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist? About $100 an hour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Hammersticks Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 What do brussel sprouts and anal sex have in common? If you're forced to have either as a kid you probably won't enjoy them as an adult. Haha. This is the type of joke that is so foul, but you can't help but chuckle for a second. True story. My brother in law, when he was relatively new to my family, told the following joke to an audience which consisted of my parents, my great aunt Kiki (who is a bad drunk), and my 91 year old grandmother. My Mother was soooooooooo pissed. So, a child molester and a little boy are walking back into the woods at night, and the little boy says to the man "Geez Mister...It sure is scary out here!" To which the child molester replies "You're telling me! I have to walk out of here alone!" I wanted to crawl under the rug... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mead107 Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 Haha. This is the type of joke that is so foul, but you can't help but chuckle for a second. True story. My brother in law, when he was relatively new to my family, told the following joke to an audience which consisted of my parents, my great aunt Kiki (who is a bad drunk), and my 91 year old grandmother. My Mother was soooooooooo pissed. So, a child molester and a little boy are walking back into the woods at night, and the little boy says to the man "Geez Mister...It sure is scary out here!" To which the child molester replies "You're telling me! I have to walk out of here alone!" I wanted to crawl under the rug... I can understand why Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RaoulDuke79 Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 What do brussel sprouts and anal sex have in common? If you're forced to have either as a kid you probably won't enjoy them as an adult. Hehehe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SlimShady'sSpaceForce Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 Since the jokes are this bad What do you get when you cross a college professor and Big Foot? You get a hairy reasoner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SinceThe70s Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 Guy walks into his house and says "honey pack your bags, I just hit the lottery". She says "where are we going? what should I pack?" ... He says "I dont care, just get the hell out." Love this joke, told it many times, but I heard/told it from the perspective of the guy coming home from work and wife won the lottery. Either way, great one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BUFFALOKIE Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 What does Michael Jackson and caviar have in common? They both come on little white crackers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamrock Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 A parrot swallows a Viagra pill. His owner, upset, puts him in the fridge to cool off! After a short time, the owner opens the door to find the parrot sweating heavily and with laboured breathing. The owner asks 'Why are you sweating and panting?' The parrot replies, 'Do you know how hard it is to pry open a frozen chicken's legs?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BUFFALOKIE Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 A parrot swallows a Viagra pill. His owner, upset, puts him in the fridge to cool off! After a short time, the owner opens the door to find the parrot sweating heavily and with laboured breathing. The owner asks 'Why are you sweating and panting?' The parrot replies, 'Do you know how hard it is to pry open a frozen chicken's legs?' _ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CDogg20 Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExiledInIllinois Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 Okay... You want stupid: What has 4 wheels and flies? ...A garbage truck Why did they cancel the hockey game between the lepers? ...There was a face-off in the corner Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
/dev/null Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 What did the San Andreas say after the Earthquake? Sorry, my fault Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mead107 Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 19-0 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Poojer Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RaoulDuke79 Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning I don't think this is getting the credit it deserves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SlimShady'sSpaceForce Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 What did the San Andreas say after the Earthquake? Sorry, my fault That made me laugh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frostbitmic Posted September 19, 2017 Share Posted September 19, 2017 Why are camels known as the ships of the desert ? Because they're vessels for Iraqi seamen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KermitMcDermott Posted September 19, 2017 Share Posted September 19, 2017 ^^^ Sadly, this is true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JÂy RÛßeÒ Posted September 20, 2017 Share Posted September 20, 2017 You hear about the new restaurant on the Moon? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marv's Neighbor Posted September 20, 2017 Share Posted September 20, 2017 As Only the Irish Can Tell A Story Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Jim took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat... And nearly drowned! Jim just barely managed to pull him to safety. F urious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother . "Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Poojer Posted September 20, 2017 Share Posted September 20, 2017 oh dear lord......that's awful. I cannot wait to tell this to my group of buddies in a couple weeks!!!! What do brussel sprouts and anal sex have in common?If you're forced to have either as a kid you probably won't enjoy them as an adult. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nanker Posted September 20, 2017 Share Posted September 20, 2017 What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HereComesTheReignAgain Posted September 20, 2017 Share Posted September 20, 2017 Why does a bride wear white? Because the dishwasher should match the fridge and the stove. What's the best part of sex with 21 year olds? There's 20 of them. (not good written, but hits the mark when spoken) A guy and gal from the old folks home decide to go out on a date. Things go really well and they end up back in the woman's room. Just as they are about to go at it, the woman stops and says "I need to warn you that I have acute angina." The man says "that's good because your breasts sure are ugly!" What does it taste like when you go down on a senior citizen? Depends... A man gets news that his wife has been in a horrible car accident and is in a coma. He spends night after night at her bedside hoping she wakes up. After many nights, he gets bored and reaches over and cops a feel of her breast. She lets out a slight moan which is the first sign of life since the accident. The man goes running out of the room to tell the doctor "Dr, this is a little embarrassing, but my wife made a noise when I touched her breast." The Dr thinks for a minute and replies "Since sexual stimulation seems to get a response, lets try something unorthodox. We will give you some privacy so you can try oral sex and see if it will snap her out of this coma." The husband goes into the roo and about 15 minutes later comes running out in a panic! "Dr, something horrible has happened. I think my wife is dead!" he yells. The Dr goes into the room and sure enough she is dead. The Dr asks the man what happened. "I don't know...I think she might have choked to death." How does a real man tell when a woman is faking an orgasm? Who cares. How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an alter boy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Poojer Posted September 20, 2017 Share Posted September 20, 2017 that's my go to "wanna hear the worst joke in the world" joke....of course i use fouler language and usually go between twenty six and twenty eight Why does a bride wear white? Because the dishwasher should match the fridge and the stove. What's the best part of sex with 21 year olds? There's 20 of them. (not good written, but hits the mark when spoken) A guy and gal from the old folks home decide to go out on a date. Things go really well and they end up back in the woman's room. Just as they are about to go at it, the woman stops and says "I need to warn you that I have acute angina." The man says "that's good because your breasts sure are ugly!" What does it taste like when you go down on a senior citizen? Depends... A man gets news that his wife has been in a horrible car accident and is in a coma. He spends night after night at her bedside hoping she wakes up. After many nights, he gets bored and reaches over and cops a feel of her breast. She lets out a slight moan which is the first sign of life since the accident. The man goes running out of the room to tell the doctor "Dr, this is a little embarrassing, but my wife made a noise when I touched her breast." The Dr thinks for a minute and replies "Since sexual stimulation seems to get a response, lets try something unorthodox. We will give you some privacy so you can try oral sex and see if it will snap her out of this coma." The husband goes into the roo and about 15 minutes later comes running out in a panic! "Dr, something horrible has happened. I think my wife is dead!" he yells. The Dr goes into the room and sure enough she is dead. The Dr asks the man what happened. "I don't know...I think she might have choked to death." How does a real man tell when a woman is faking an orgasm? Who cares. How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an alter boy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Buffalo Joe Posted September 20, 2017 Author Share Posted September 20, 2017 Why does a bride wear white? Because the dishwasher should match the fridge and the stove. What's the best part of sex with 21 year olds? There's 20 of them. (not good written, but hits the mark when spoken) A guy and gal from the old folks home decide to go out on a date. Things go really well and they end up back in the woman's room. Just as they are about to go at it, the woman stops and says "I need to warn you that I have acute angina." The man says "that's good because your breasts sure are ugly!" What does it taste like when you go down on a senior citizen? Depends... A man gets news that his wife has been in a horrible car accident and is in a coma. He spends night after night at her bedside hoping she wakes up. After many nights, he gets bored and reaches over and cops a feel of her breast. She lets out a slight moan which is the first sign of life since the accident. The man goes running out of the room to tell the doctor "Dr, this is a little embarrassing, but my wife made a noise when I touched her breast." The Dr thinks for a minute and replies "Since sexual stimulation seems to get a response, lets try something unorthodox. We will give you some privacy so you can try oral sex and see if it will snap her out of this coma." The husband goes into the roo and about 15 minutes later comes running out in a panic! "Dr, something horrible has happened. I think my wife is dead!" he yells. The Dr goes into the room and sure enough she is dead. The Dr asks the man what happened. "I don't know...I think she might have choked to death." How does a real man tell when a woman is faking an orgasm? Who cares. How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an alter boy. I read this in Quagmires voice after seeing your profile picture, and it fits almost too well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelly the Dog Posted September 21, 2017 Share Posted September 21, 2017 This 80 year old man walks into a church and into the confessional and says, "Bless me Father for I have sinned... I was just standing on this street corner and this beautiful young 21 year old blond girl with big boobs and a little bottom walked up to me looking for directions, and immediately we started talking, and just hit it off, you know, and before you knew it we were in a hotel room and both of us were naked and we made wild, passionate, exotic, aberrant sex for hours. Things I have never done or seen in my life." The Priest says, "How long has it been since your last confession?" The old man says, "Well, this would be my first." The Priest says, "You're 80 years old and you have never confessed?" The old man says, "Well, no, I am Jewish." The Priest says, "Then why are you telling me this?" The old man says, "I'm telling everybody!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DDD Posted September 21, 2017 Share Posted September 21, 2017 What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SinceThe70s Posted September 21, 2017 Share Posted September 21, 2017 What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice. Going down that route eh? What's the first thing a woman should do when she gets back from the battered womens shelter? The dishes if she knows whats good for her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CountDorkula Posted September 21, 2017 Share Posted September 21, 2017 (edited) Mushroom walks into a bar, bartender says We dont serve your type here! Mushroom responds with "Why not? I'm a Fungi." Edited September 21, 2017 by CountDorkula Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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