Captain_Quint Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 A machinist is in a terrible accident and loses one of his eyes. When he goes to the optometrist, he realizes that he doesnt have enough money for the glass eye, so he has to settle for a wooden eye instead. This made him incredibly self conscience about his appearance, and he began losing confidence when approaching women. One night, he was in a bar drinking alone, when a woman approached him and began talking. She was overweight, but it felt good to talk confidently to a woman again. Their conversation progressed, and she asked if he would walk her home. When they got to her building, the man confidently asked if she would like it if he came up to her apartment. "Oh wouldn't I!" The woman said. Embarrassed, the man screamed "Fatso-fatso-fatso!!" And ran away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheElectricCompany Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 What did the buffalo say to his kid when he left for college? "Bye, son!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guffalo Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 A doctor presents some medical students with a corpse. He tells them 'It is important to be comfortable with the cadaver'. He briefly inserts his finger into the naked corpse's anus. He then licks his finger. He instructs the students to do the same. One by one they reluctantly do the same. After they are done, the doctor says, 'It is important to watch carefully. I inserted my index finger and licked my ring finger.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sherpa Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 A priest a rabbi and Protestant pastor are at a religious retreat held in a wilderness area. After a few drinks, they start bragging about their ability to recruit non believers to their faith. They agree to compete during the week, and meet the next Friday night to judge who was best. Friday night comes and the pastor sees the priest and asks him how he did. The pastor said he did great. He met a bear and read him the first few chapters of a Catholic catechism and stated that the bear agree to receive holy communion the next day. The priest asks the pastor how he did and he tells the story that he also met a bear and relayed to him the story about redemption by faith through grace and that the bear agreed to be baptized the very next day. They wonder where the rabbi is, and at that moment a couple men come in carrying the rabbi on a gurney. His face is slashed and he has numerous broken bones. They ask him what happened. He states that he met a bear also, and stated: "I knew I shouldn't have started with circumcision." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Hammersticks Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 A woman brings her Great Dane, Gugny, to the vet. After waiting for a bit in the lobby they get called into the examination room. When the vet came in and asked about the woman's concerns for her dog, she explained "I was wearing only my bathrobe yesterday as I was outside watering my plants, and when I bent over to water my Tulips, Duke jumped on my back and had sex with me." The vet paused for a moment, and replied "I am so sorry about this. You must have been horrified. So, I'm guessing you're here to have Gugny neutered." The lady responded "No, I am here to have his nails trimmed." Heyyyyooooo! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC Tom Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a palm tree? Nothing. The mountain climber's a scaler. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhoTom Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 (edited) A woman wakes up on her birthday to find her husband grinning. He says, "You told me that for your birthday, you wanted something that goes from 0 to 200 in five seconds. Look out the window. She does, and sitting in the driveway, there's a bathroom scale. --------------- A Catholic priest and a rabbi are discussing their vows. The priest says, "Have you ever had bacon?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, once in my youth, I strayed from the faith and ate bacon. It was good." The priest chuckles. The rabbis says, "Have you ever had sex?" The priest says, "Yes, when I was in high school, I did engage in sexual relations with a girl." The rabbi grins and says, "It's better than bacon, isn't it?" Edited September 15, 2017 by WhoTom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ocemur Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 What do you do with a rhino with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the elephant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CommonCents Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 Have you ever been camping? I heard it's intents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sherpa Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 (edited) Last week I was driving down this curvy road where I live. To my surprise, a bicycle passes me. I'm thinking he is going way too fast for this road, when I notice he looks like a rope driving a bike. Sure enough, a bit later, after a big curve, I notice he has crashed on the side of the road. I survey the accident scene and he does indeed look like a rope. Braids everywhere, twisted and tied onto himself in a messed heap. Strands of fiber here and there. So I asked, "Are you OK?" He answers "No, I'm afraid not," Edited September 15, 2017 by sherpa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Hammersticks Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 These some crappy jokes... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelly the Dog Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 What's the difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids won't eat broccoli. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhoTom Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 Two math professors are sitting at a bar. One says, "I am so disappointed in people nowadays. Hardly anyone understands math." The other one says, "I think you're too hard on people." The first man says, "Whatever - I'm going to the bathroom." The remaining professor calls the bartender and says, "When I call you over next time and ask you a question, answer with 'X-cubed divided by 3.'" "What?" The professor says, "Repeat after me: X-cubed divided by 3." "Ex-cooooobed deevided by tree." The other professor comes back from the bathroom and the optimistic professor says, "Hey, I bet I can prove that an ordinary working woman knows high level math." The other professor says, "Prove it to me." The first professor calls the bartender and says, "What is the integral of x-squared?" The bartender answers, "X-cubed divided by 3!" As she walks away the other professor is amazed. Suddenly the bartender turns around and yells, "PLUS THE CONSTANT OF INTEGRATION!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KermitMcDermott Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 If it aint dirty its not worth telling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SlimShady'sSpaceForce Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 These some crappy jokes...The jokes on us for reading this garbage Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SinceThe70s Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 Commanding officer arrives at his new outpost in the middle of the desert and asks a private to show him around the grounds. Private walks him around, "On the left is the enlisted barracks, officer quarters straight ahead. To your right is the mess hall and just past that are the latrines". "PRIVATE!", says the CO, "What's that tent behind the latrines?" "Um, well, er, I wasn't going to say anything, but that's where we keep the camel. These men are out here in the middle of the desert without any women and after awhile they have their urges, so..." "SAY NO MORE! Perfectly understandable. Show me to my quarters!" A month goes by and the CO has his own urges. "PRIVATE! I need some time with the camel!. The CO pays a visit to the camel tent. There's a lot of grunting, groaning and eventually the CO emerges from the tent pulling up his pants with a smug smile on his face. "PRIVATE! Is that how the enlisted men treat the camel?!?" "Uh no sir....they usually ride it into town and get a hooker!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SinceThe70s Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 A woman brings her Great Dane, Gugny, to the vet. After waiting for a bit in the lobby they get called into the examination room. When the vet came in and asked about the woman's concerns for her dog, she explained "I was wearing only my bathrobe yesterday as I was outside watering my plants, and when I bent over to water my Tulips, Duke jumped on my back and had sex with me." The vet paused for a moment, and replied "I am so sorry about this. You must have been horrified. So, I'm guessing you're here to have Gugny neutered." The lady responded "No, I am here to have his nails trimmed." Heyyyyooooo! You had me at Gugny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gomper Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 What's the definition of Irish alzheimers? You forget everything but the grudge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweats Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 "We have enough youth..........let's start looking for a fountain of smart". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC Tom Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 Two fermions walk in to a bar. One orders a drink. The other says "I'll have what he's having." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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