Favorite quotes from your favorite stand ups

[Royale with Cheese]

 

This has cursing in it...is that allowed on these boards?

Edited May 18, 2023 by Royale with Cheese

[Logic]

One that I have quoted for years and still quote to this day:

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is an a s s hole?" 

- George Carlin



 

[Gregg]

1 minute ago, Logic said:

One that I have quoted for years and still quote to this day:

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is an a s s hole?" 

- George Carlin



 

 

George Carlin was great. 

 

 

[Golden*Wheels]

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'

[Buffalo716]

24 minutes ago, Golden*Wheels said:

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'

Mitch Hedberg rip 

[sherpa]

A ton of Rodney Dangerfield jokes.

 

"I tell ya, I don't get no respect.

When I was a kid, my parents took me to the beach.

We got separated.

I found a cop to help me find them.

After a bit, I asked him. Do you think we'll ever find them?

He said, I don't know. 

There's so many places they could be hiding."

[WhoTom]

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

― George Carlin

 

 

[Buffalo716]

Is a hippopotamus…..

a HIP - opotamus 

 

or…. Just a really cool opotamus 

[machine gun kelly]

“We’ll Mr. Kelly, do you have any aliases,  yeah they call me Tater Salad”.

 

 

I don’t want to be drunk in public, I want to be drunk in a bar.

 

I still love this famous Ron White Schlick.

[Logic]

“You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.”

- Norm MacDonald 

[LeviF]

3 hours ago, Logic said:

“You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.”

- Norm MacDonald 

“I was talking with Patton Oswalt about this whole Bill Cosby thing and he said ‘the worst part about this is the hypocrisy.’ And I disagree. I think the worst part is the rape.”

 

-Norm

[Bills4everNY]

My favorite David Letterman joke was when he hosted the oscars and said: One of the films nominated for best foreign film is "Eat Drink Man Woman." Coincidentally, as I understand it, this is how Arnold Schwarzenegger asked Maria Shriver out on their first date.

[SinceThe70s]

 

May I mambo dogface to the banana patch? (Steve Martin)

[Not at the table Karlos]

7 hours ago, WhoTom said:

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

― George Carlin

 

 

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups"

 

 

"The main reason santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

 

"Tell people that there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

 

"Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things."

 

-George Carlin

[Punching Bag]

One of favorite Pat Morita jokes:

 

 

Pat Morita was an aerospace engineer manager and stand up comedian before becoming an actor.

 

Great interview on his career:

https://interviews.televisionacademy.com/interviews/pat-morita

 

 

[Gugny]

Jesus' Wife: "And where have YOU been for the past three days, Mr. Winemaker?"
 

Jesus Christ: "It's okay, I'll tell you… Not that's important or anything, but I was DEAD!!! I'M IN A *****IN' GRAVE OUTSIDE OF TOWN! I'M FIGHTIN' DEATH, HELL, DECOMPOSURE! I'M CHANGIN' SPIRITUAL FORM, ABOUT TO ENTER THE KINGDOM OF GOD, AND I GO "WAIT A SECOND! I GOTTA GO BACK BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN!"“

 

—  Sam Kinison

[K-9]

23 hours ago, sherpa said:

A ton of Rodney Dangerfield jokes.

 

"I tell ya, I don't get no respect.

When I was a kid, my parents took me to the beach.

We got separated.

I found a cop to help me find them.

After a bit, I asked him. Do you think we'll ever find them?

He said, I don't know. 

There's so many places they could be hiding."

Rodney was an absolute joke machine. He’d do his monologue on Carson and then sit down and rip off a dozen more jokes for good measure. 
 

“My wife’s cooking is so bad, the flies out back pitched in to have the screen door fixed.” 

[sherpa]

21 minutes ago, K-9 said:

Rodney was an absolute joke machine. He’d do his monologue on Carson and then sit down and rip off a dozen more jokes for good measure. 
 

“My wife’s cooking is so bad, the flies out back pitched in to have the screen door fixed.” 

 

When I was a kid I asked my Dad if I could skate on the frozen pond.

He told me to wait till it warms up.

 

When I was a baby my mother wouldn't breast feed me.

She told me, I like you, but just as a friend.

 

When I was born, the doctor told my mother.

We did all we could, but he still pulled through.

Edited May 19, 2023 by sherpa

[Pecos Bills]

I saw "Richard Pryor Live in Concert" on late-night TV as a kid, possibly the best stand-up film ever made, and the bit about his pet monkeys dying and the neighbor dog wanting to eat them always stuck with me :

 

"And there was a dog that used to live next door to us, a German Shepherd, right, big, ugly, mean German Shepherd. He would bite anything. And he jumped the fence and came over there, and I felt something moving my hand like that and it was him, I was gonna pet him. He looked at me and he said, what’s the matter, Rich. I said, my monkeys died. He said, what? Your monkeys died? Ain’t that a B word. You mean the two monkeys used to be in the trees, they died? I said, yeah, they died. He said, *****. I was gonna eat them, too. He said, don’t linger on that ***** too long, you know, it ***** with you. I said, I’ll try. Yeah, you take care. Then he went back and jumped over the fence. And just before he jumped, he looked back at me, he said, now, you know I’m gonna be chasing you again tomorrow. Yeah."

 

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/richard-pryor-live-concert-1979-full-transcript/

[jayg]

On 5/18/2023 at 2:50 PM, Golden*Wheels said:

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'

 

On 5/18/2023 at 3:14 PM, Buffalo716 said:

Mitch Hedberg rip 

 

23 hours ago, Buffalo716 said:

Is a hippopotamus…..

a HIP - opotamus 

 

or…. Just a really cool opotamus 

“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut.”

[Buffalo716]

2 minutes ago, jayg said:

 

 

“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut.”

He’s the best 😂

[jayg]

6 minutes ago, Buffalo716 said:

He’s the best 😂

One more.  

 

 

[Buffalo716]

2 minutes ago, jayg said:

One more.  

 

 

RIP

 

”I used to do drugs… I still do … but I used to , too

[jayg]

6 minutes ago, Buffalo716 said:

RIP

 

”I used to do drugs… I still do … but I used to , too

I saw him a year before he died. He had his back to the audience the whole time and he was reading all of his jokes from his notebook. It was still funny but kind of awkward. After the show he had a little meet and greet he was wearing a Hugh Hefner robe and smoking a pipe and he seemed very comfortable then. The next year I was in Hawaii and my friend had tickets to see him at the same place in richmond, Virginia and he never showed up and that's when we learned he died.  RIP

[Buffalo716]

6 minutes ago, jayg said:

I saw him a year before he died. He had his back to the audience the whole time and he was reading all of his jokes from his notebook. It was still funny but kind of awkward. After the show he had a little meet and greet he was wearing a Hugh Hefner robe and smoking a pipe and he seemed very comfortable then. The next year I was in Hawaii and my friend had tickets to see him at the same place in richmond, Virginia and he never showed up and that's when we learned he died.  RIP

Damn 

 

yea he was a genuine 1 of 1…. His presence was always awkward mixed with sublime 

 

1 of 1

[SinceThe70s]

A few years ago at a Little League game one of the fathers was the announcer. Not sure if he stole this line from someone else, but when his son came to the plate it went something like this:

 

Up next is Aidan. Why is Aidan so skinny? Because his mother can't cook. In our house we say prayers AFTER we eat.

[TheCockSportif]

"He left.  He did nothing.  He returned."

  -- Larry David

 

[Johnny Hammersticks]

Brush your teeth!  Now, boom orange juice!  That’s life!

 

John Mulaney

[Buffalo716]

Eat drink man woman

 

Won an Oscar about 15 years ago…

 

Coincidentally

 

That’s exactly how Arnold Schwarzenegger asked out Maria Shriver

[The Jokeman]

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

-Steven Wright

[ICanSleepWhenI'mDead]

Ron White reflecting on his conversation with the cops about being drunk in public after he got thrown out of a bar:

 

"I had the right to remain silent . . . . .

 

I just didn't have the ability."

 

[Pecos Bills]

Demetri Martin:  I was eating some fajitas and I burnt the roof of my mouth. And I was like, “Ow! The roof of my mouth, that hurts. It’s really tender. Wait a minute. The roof of my mouth? This is the ceiling of my mouth. The roof of my mouth is way up here. Whoever named this was not using the attic of their mouth at all.”

[teef]

The best thing I could ever do if I had a child would be to leave before it was born, because we all know single moms breed pro athletes.  See you on draft day.  
 

 

dion cole. I think. 
 

 

I have a criteria for dating women.  They either have to have a college degree or a gym membership…because I am not dating any fat, stupid *****.  Be one or the other, but not both.  Pick your affliction. 
 

 

also dion cole, (I just heard dion cole on the radio). 

Edited June 8, 2023 by teef

[JÂy RÛßeÒ]

 

You know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation.  And that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding.

[JÂy RÛßeÒ]

Gallagher:
"They say baldness is hereditary, they say it's in your genes.  I say that's wrong - I got hair in my jeans.  I need it in my hat!"

[Nextmanup]

I absolutely love George Carlin and you could quote his entire body of work as some of the all time great comedic clips! 

 

Having said that, I was just watching a video the other day in which he was going off on how big and fat Americans are.

 

He has that impeccable timing and says something like "Some of these people are so fat you actually have to stop and ask yourself...[dramatic comedic pause]....how does this woman take a S***?!"

 

Pound for pound that is as good as anything he ever said; it's so vintage George from the subject matter, the societal critique, the raw language, and the brutal directness of the whole thing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 8, 2023 by Nextmanup

[Behindenemylines]

On 5/18/2023 at 5:02 PM, machine gun kelly said:

“We’ll Mr. Kelly, do you have any aliases,  yeah they call me Tater Salad”.

 

 

I don’t want to be drunk in public, I want to be drunk in a bar.

 

I still love this famous Ron White Schlick.

A total classic.  

[SinceThe70s]

"I like my women like I like my coffee.......bitter. It's an acquired taste". 

 

I think that was from Brian Regan. 

[muppy]

this clip is comedy GOLD. One of my favs starts at 2:16. omgoodness hilarious the entire monologue is LOLOL Everything went white. And lil bit of pee came out. And I passed out.  I think you just ripped out my #######. Why would you do that? lmaooo

 

 

[4merper4mer]

Not a standup but from a sitcom…..sorry.

 

Women hit their sexual peak at whatever age Jan was last week.

 

Clark from The Office