Anyone ever go through a divorce with a child?

[billsfan89]

22 minutes ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

I would basically have to give her half up front of what we believe the house will sell for.  Our real estate agent believes strongly that we're going to get "X" number.  Which would be roughly $80-$100,000 profit.  I can't give that to her right now.  She offered to wait until I sell it but then she would struggle and that would really bother me.

 

I'm hoping your first paragraph is correct....he's my biggest worry now.

 

I've actually thought about what if I did see her with another man?  I really don't think I'll be bothered much but still have a little.  We were very firm that we're not having overnight guests for a long time.  It was actually a question in the divorce papers of how long we agree to it.  We put down 2 years.  I was fine with it.  I'm not exposing my son to anyone for a long time and she feels the same way.  When our son isn't there, we can do whatever we want.  I believe I'm closer to "getting back out there" than she is but who knows.  I'm just going to have fun for a few years.

 

I think I'm going to have a little anxiety for the next 15 years until my son is 18.  I feel overall, her and I will be all right but there will be moments.  We fought while married, I can't expect us to be complete angels to each other all the time in divorce.  We'll just keep it civil.

 

I am just telling you what I have heard from some pretty credible people, at that age it isn't nearly as life jarring an event but still be sure to see your child often obviously. I am no expert myself but that's what I heard from pretty credible people. As for the jealousy side, you should feel OK to be a little jealous but eventually, things will settle down and you both will be OK with it. Just avoid sleeping with friends or people she knows. 

 

There will be some friction even couples who are together fight over how to raise a child. So it is natural that split up people will too. Just don't let it get personal or uncivil and keep it away from your child as much as possible. My parents are still together but they did fight a normal amount of the time and I would classify them as having a healthy relationship. 

 

Overall I am confident you will be OK and your kid will be OK based off of what I read.

Edited September 20, 2018 by billsfan89

[plenzmd1]

57 minutes ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

I would basically have to give her half up front of what we believe the house will sell for.  Our real estate agent believes strongly that we're going to get "X" number.  Which would be roughly $80-$100,000 profit.  I can't give that to her right now.  She offered to wait until I sell it but then she would struggle and that would really bother me.

 

I

1

I am no expert on this, but the new mortgage should be able to cover the profit piece. Remember, your new mortgage would include the "profit"..which I assume you would split equally. PLus you are saving commisions and quite possibly transfer taxes etc. A real estate lawyer would have a much better idea that I

 

The question then becomes will you qualify for a mortgage at a higher principal amount and a single income.

 

Again, just ideas..

 

BTW, i just learned the other day there is a professional designation of financial planners who specialize in divorce. CDFA

 

https://www.finra.org/investors/professional-designations/cdfa

[Kirby Jackson]

Sorry to hear this man. It can’t be easy. I don’t have experience with it but my advice would be to always put the kid’s best interests first. That’s the one thing that you guys will always be able to agree on. If you defer to that to solve disputes I’d imagine that it would be better.

[Pine Barrens Mafia]

1 hour ago, Royale with Cheese said:

I've actually thought about what if I did see her with another man? 

 

Never had this problem. My line of thinking: "Now he gets to deal with her. Good luck, buddy."

 

[Royale with Cheese]

33 minutes ago, joesixpack said:

 

Never had this problem. My line of thinking: "Now he gets to deal with her. Good luck, buddy."

 

 

I think I'll eventually has this line of thinking but not at first.  Especially in the early stages.

[Pine Barrens Mafia]

6 minutes ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

I think I'll eventually has this line of thinking but not at first.  Especially in the early stages.

 

Heh. Well, you'll probably be surprised what you get used to.

 

Then again, by the time I came to the recognition that we needed to split, it was a truly miserable situation. You don't seem to be there, so, YMMV.

 

[Just Jack]

13 hours ago, The Poojer said:

allegedly

 

 

It works. Until you start going grey. Then it's hard to pass yourself off as being "late 30's".

 

13 hours ago, joesixpack said:

 

Why would you want to? Women don't gain sanity until their 40s.

 

 

Duh, it's one night, not looking for long term relationships. 

 

[Pine Barrens Mafia]

Just now, Just Jack said:

 

It works. Until you start going grey. Then it's hard to pass yourself off as being "late 30's".

 

 

Duh, it's one night, not looking for long term relationships. 

 

 

Enh....I'll pass on crazy even for one night.

 

[Royale with Cheese]

22 hours ago, teef said:

that's what i figured.  as long as the bank will give the new mortgage, both people win.  i'm just not sure how you would determine the market value of the house.  in some of the suburbs here, houses are going for a lot more than their worth, really because there's nothing on the market.  i suppose they go by the taxable value of the house.

 

The other main thing to is that this is the house we bought together and first raised our son in.  No way I can stay there when it's going to be empty.  Just me and my son 3-4 days out of the week.

 

My ex did say that she's willing to give me the house, take her name off the deed if she can have one more day with our son.  I'll always be 3 days, she will always have 4.

I turned it down and it is a lot of money.  No money value is worth my son.  

[Hapless Bills Fan]

On 9/20/2018 at 6:39 AM, Gordio said:

The is absolutely ridiculous.  Sometimes the courts make no sense.  You probably had a broad for a judge is my guess.  

 

This is ridiculous too.  I think the "didn't have a lawyer and tried to be a nice guy" is the take home lesson.

Meaning no personal insult, Joe, and feeling for your plight, there's this saying "he who serves as his own lawyer has a fool for a client".

 

Judges tend to view things very narrowly from the eyes of the law and if you present an argument that doesn't slot into that narrow channel you're toast.

We had a riot in this city last year about this time because the judge ruled (appropriately, based on what he called out in his ruling) on a horrible, internally inconsistent case presented by the prosecutor's office.  Was it justice, probably not, but it was probably the correct legal ruling given the case the prosecutors presented.

 

12 hours ago, Just Jack said:

It works. Until you start going grey. Then it's hard to pass yourself off as being "late 30's".

 

There is a solution for that, quite literally.

[Augie]

22 hours ago, plenzmd1 said:

just need to get a new mortgage and deed.

 

You’d want two appraisals first, most likely. The way they do it in relocations is to get two appraisals, and as long as they are within 5% they use the average. If they are not close, they get a third appraisal to see which one is off. THEN you head to the lender, or you use the lenders appraisal as one of the two. (They need to order their own.) You just don’t want to fight down the road because someone feels the appraisal was off (or appraiser was influenced, as is often attempted) and someone got screwed. I mention only because I’ve seen this go badly. 

 

Be careful now to eliminate potential future sticking points. Cover all the bases. 

[Hapless Bills Fan]

On 9/19/2018 at 1:43 PM, Royale with Cheese said:

 

I've got personal friends, including my brother who have been through this and have spoken with them.  

This is just another avenue.

 

Yeah, actually Royale, you sound like you're pretty together overall.  Good luck, Man.

 

As for the "next 15 years" LOL!  AS the parent of an 18 yr old we just sent off to college, you have no idea - but the divorce will be relatively Small Beans in the Kid Anxiety Pool.

[Royale with Cheese]

2 minutes ago, Hapless Bills Fan said:

 

Yeah, actually Royale, you sound like you're pretty together overall.  Good luck, Man.

 

As for the "next 15 years" LOL!  AS the parent of an 18 yr old we just sent off to college, you have no idea - but the divorce will be relatively Small Beans in the Kid Anxiety Pool.

 

I feel I'm going to drink more in the next 15 years.

[Pine Barrens Mafia]

3 minutes ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

I feel I'm going to drink more in the next 15 years.

 

Whatever you do, don't do that.

 

There's an obvious reason why you shouldn't.

 

[Royale with Cheese]

22 minutes ago, joesixpack said:

 

Whatever you do, don't do that.

 

There's an obvious reason why you shouldn't.

 

 

I'm not much of a drinker.  I do drink, not every day but most but I can't remember the last time I got drunk.  I just don't like the feeling anymore.

[Hapless Bills Fan]

1 hour ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

I feel I'm going to drink more in the next 15 years.

 

Oh, yeah.  And it won't stop at 15, BTDT, trust me. 

[The Poojer]

I know you are probably saying this a bit tongue and cheek, but be careful...it's easy to try and drown your misery in drinking, it's also very easy to go overboard.....enjoy with restraint.  Easier said than done

 

1 hour ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

I feel I'm going to drink more in the next 15 years.

[Royale with Cheese]

5 minutes ago, The Poojer said:

I know you are probably saying this a bit tongue and cheek, but be careful...it's easy to try and drown your misery in drinking, it's also very easy to go overboard.....enjoy with restraint.  Easier said than done

 

 

It is tongue and cheek but I'm actually a good drunk when I do get to that level.  I become Mr. Positive and love everyone.  I'm like Otis from the Andy Griffith Show.

[Hapless Bills Fan]

23 hours ago, Royale with Cheese said:

I've thought about my alone time with my son a lot.  I know I'm going to be much more active with him since my time is limited now.  I was active with him before but when you have him all the time, sometimes you just want to rest on the couch and watch him play. 

 

Just $0.02 here.  I think that's very common with divorce and shared custody, both parents feel like they need to be more active with the kid.  There even is sometimes a bit of (maybe subconscious) competition.  Mom takes kid to Incredible Pizza Company kid raves to Dad how much fun it was.  Dad wants kid to have as much fun, takes him to Six Flags.

 

Remember kids need chill time and sometimes the low-rent, low-key stuff is what sticks with them longest.  Go with his interests, if he wants to play with trains or legos while you chill on the couch, it's about him, not you.  You don't have to break the budget to amuse him.  At 3 yo, kids adore building crap out of cardboard boxes and stuff.  You can be a hero at the cost of packing knife, a straight edge, some wire ties, and acrylic paints while he builds rocket ships and race cars and schtuff.  Later on build hovercrafts out of styrofoam meat trays, plastic bags, and dollar-store battery fans.

 

I still remember when my daughter was 4 or 5, we planned a marvelous vacation in LA.  We went to the ocean, Disneyland, booked "breakfast with the princesses", California Adventure, bunch of other stuff.  We were staying with friends who had a daughter a couple years older.  At the end of the trip, asked the kid "what did you like best?" 

 

"Throwing the Barbies in the pool with (their daughter) and rescuing them" was the answer.  So much for all the money we spent.

 

 

39 minutes ago, The Poojer said:

I know you are probably saying this a bit tongue and cheek, but be careful...it's easy to try and drown your misery in drinking, it's also very easy to go overboard.....enjoy with restraint.  Easier said than done

 

Oh, NOW you tell me

[Royale with Cheese]

2 minutes ago, Hapless Bills Fan said:

 

Just $0.02 here.  I think that's very common with divorce and shared custody, both parents feel like they need to be more active with the kid.  There even is sometimes a bit of (maybe subconscious) competition.  Mom takes kid to Incredible Pizza Company kid raves to Dad how much fun it was.  Dad wants kid to have as much fun, takes him to Six Flags.

 

Remember kids need chill time and sometimes the low-rent, low-key stuff is what sticks with them longest.  Go with his interests, if he wants to play with trains or legos while you chill on the couch, it's about him, not you.  You don't have to break the budget to amuse him.  At 3 yo, kids adore building crap out of cardboard boxes and stuff.  You can be a hero at the cost of packing knife, a straight edge, some wire ties, and acrylic paints while he builds rocket ships and race cars and schtuff.  Later on build hovercrafts out of styrofoam meat trays, plastic bags, and dollar-store battery fans.

 

I still remember when my daughter was 4 or 5, we planned a marvelous vacation in LA.  We went to the ocean, Disneyland, booked "breakfast with the princesses", California Adventure, bunch of other stuff.  We were staying with friends who had a daughter a couple years older.  At the end of the trip, asked the kid "what did you like best?" 

 

"Throwing the Barbies in the pool with (their daughter) and rescuing them" was the answer.  So much for all the money we spent.

 

Thanks for the advice.  I actually work for a packaging company that makes cardboard boxes.  The GM at one plant told me if I need any boxes for anything, just come by and she'll give me a lot.  I can build a wicked fort out of this.

 

For the past few years, as a family we would go down to Florida in the summer for vacation.  This past summer, my son didn't want to go in the ocean.  We were staying at my friends condo that had a pool.  We were at the pool every day and not the ocean.  We could have saved a ton of money by just staying home and going to the neighborhood pool.

[Hapless Bills Fan]

41 minutes ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

Thanks for the advice.  I actually work for a packaging company that makes cardboard boxes.  The GM at one plant told me if I need any boxes for anything, just come by and she'll give me a lot.  I can build a wicked fort out of this.

 

You bet, just let the kid drive whatcha do.

 

Quote

For the past few years, as a family we would go down to Florida in the summer for vacation.  This past summer, my son didn't want to go in the ocean.  We were staying at my friends condo that had a pool.  We were at the pool every day and not the ocean.  We could have saved a ton of money by just staying home and going to the neighborhood pool.

 

Exactly.   (though it's cool to go because YOU want to go to Florida)

 

I know so many divorced parents where the Mom takes the kid to Incredible Pizza Co so Dad takes him to Six Flags so Mom books Disney World so Dad....

These are just ordinary folks with rent, mortgage, car payment who get sucked up in it.  I can see it, you can read this and see it, but if I asked them why they were competing with their ex they'd be "Hey.  What.  Huh?"

[Royale with Cheese]

2 hours ago, Hapless Bills Fan said:

 

You bet, just let the kid drive whatcha do.

 

 

Exactly.   (though it's cool to go because YOU want to go to Florida)

 

I know so many divorced parents where the Mom takes the kid to Incredible Pizza Co so Dad takes him to Six Flags so Mom books Disney World so Dad....

These are just ordinary folks with rent, mortgage, car payment who get sucked up in it.  I can see it, you can read this and see it, but if I asked them why they were competing with their ex they'd be "Hey.  What.  Huh?"

 

I've got to have that conversation with her tonight about competing with each other.  We need to come to an agreement that we are not going to do that to each other.

[GaryPinC]

34 minutes ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

I've got to have that conversation with her tonight about competing with each other.  We need to come to an agreement that we are not going to do that to each other.

Do you really need to?  You make significantly more money and you're not going to trust her on this one?  And if you both agree on it, what happens later on if you feel she's competing or trying to one up you and she doesn't agree?  You going to tell her what's what?

 

The bigger point from the good info Hapless was giving you is that it doesn't take much to create special moments with your child, find and worry about your own efforts, not hers.  Most of what kids will truly enjoy are not expensive, and it's mostly about how much you participate with them.  Quality time doing things that they enjoy.  My kids love the outdoors and we have so many good memories camping and going to county park programs.  That stuff's free or little cost.  I've told them multiple times if they want to go to Disneyland ask their mom, the mountains and outdoors is more my style.

 

My ex frequently plans something special to do with the kids when she finds out I'm doing something like taking a trip with them.  It's borne out of insecurity and you might find yourself there, also.  But it gets her spending quality time and that's good for the kids.  She doesn't mean it to be competitive.  Plus, you can always invite the ex along for your plans if you feel that strongly about it.

 

Your son will want his own special relationship with you based on what you do, no matter what his mom does.  Focus on that, not mom.  She'll have her own life that you can't control.

 

 

[BUFFALOKIE]

Yes. I got the kids. I got the house.

 

Mine was a horrible situation, and I had no choice except to be cut throat.

 

Good luck brother.

[Dablitzkrieg]

I'm really sorry to hear this.  I echo everything else said in this thread.  NYS will screw the father.  Get a lawyer and document everything!

[Steptide]

On 9/19/2018 at 8:24 AM, Royale with Cheese said:

So my wife and I have officially filed for divorce.  Just waiting for my lawyer and her lawyer to review the paper work to sign off.

 

We're being very amicable towards each other.  Nothing contested (so far) on our end.  We still do get a long, we're in the process of selling our house and living in our existing house together for the next month or so.  We're splitting everything 50/50 except 401K...she's not going to take any of mine.  Instead of child support, I'll pay her health insurance since she can't be on mine now.  I'm also giving her a good chunk of my savings.  We're both being very good to each other right now.

 

I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore but at the same time, it's still pretty hard because I've been with her for 6 years....and we have a 3 year old.

We tried to explain to him last night what was happening and he wasn't getting it.  We just said that we aren't going to live much longer in this house and we will now have two houses.  He seemed excited.

 

If anyone has been through this, any advice?  What should I expect?

Sorry I'm late to the thread. I went through almost this exact situation with my first wife. Biggest difference was that when my wife left, I couldn't afford the house and bills on just my salary. I did everything possible to save the house and/or sell it, but in the end it got foreclosed. Other than that we split everything and neither of us took any money from one another. 

 

Now on to the important part. Our daughter was 3 when all this happened. You can't explain it to them. They're way to young to understand. However, there WILL be negative consequences. When kids start to realize things arnt like before, they act out. Maybe not in a bad behavior kind of way, but they will do things due to the divorce. I'm not saying every child will do this, I'm just speaking from my experience. Even now with our child being 9, I can still see the re percussions from our divorce. There's just something completely un natural to a child when their parents aren't together. I'm not saying anything to scare you, just speaking from my personal experience. At the end of the day, I'm very happy I'm divorced from my ex, however I do wish for my daughter's sake, that she never had to go through that at a young, vulnerable age. 

[ExiledInIllinois]

13 hours ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

It is tongue and cheek but I'm actually a good drunk when I do get to that level.  I become Mr. Positive and love everyone.  I'm like Otis from the Andy Griffith Show.

Yeah... But where did Otis sleep @ night!

 

?

[eball]

How to go through a divorce with a child?  I think the bigger question is how you married the child in the first place.

[Just Jack]

11 hours ago, Steptide said:

Sorry I'm late to the thread. I went through almost this exact situation with my first wife. Biggest difference was that when my wife left, I couldn't afford the house and bills on just my salary. I did everything possible to save the house and/or sell it, but in the end it got foreclosed. Other than that we split everything and neither of us took any money from one another. 

 

This is something for people to consider also. On paper, it looked like I could afford to keep the house in my name only. But I ended up burning through my 401K in a year (there wasn't much in there) in order to keep up with the bills I had, plus the added expenses of having one income. And I know if the wife had tried to keep it, she would have been worse off than I was. 

[LeGOATski]

Does anyone actually stay married anymore?

6 hours ago, eball said:

How to go through a divorce with a child?  I think the bigger question is how you married the child in the first place.

It's a solid joke, but it was made a few pages ago.

[Fadingpain]

2 hours ago, LeGOATski said:

Does anyone actually stay married anymore?

It's a solid joke, but it was made a few pages ago.

About half of all marriages end with some type of permanent dissolution.

 

It is not as easy to calculate as you might think, b/c a percentage of marriages end with permanent separation, but no actual divorce.

 

Actual divorce rates, as of 2010, were 43% to 46%.

 

The average length of marriage that ends in divorce in America is @ 8 years.

 

 

[Augie]

2 hours ago, Fadingpain said:

About half of all marriages end with some type of permanent dissolution.

 

It is not as easy to calculate as you might think, b/c a percentage of marriages end with permanent separation, but no actual divorce.

 

Actual divorce rates, as of 2010, were 43% to 46%.

 

The average length of marriage that ends in divorce in America is @ 8 years.

 

 

 

The priest at my sister’s wedding was full of stats like that. During the ceremony. It was like an hour long “I have no idea why you’re doing this” speech.  The facts are the facts, BUT DURING THE WEDDING? 

 

We laugh about it now, and sometimes I think they stayed together 40+ years just to stick it to that old priest!   (Maybe that was his strategy....) 

[Paulus]

Be the best father you can.

 

Also, Tinder is more of a hookup type site. Bumble is for higher quality women. Okc is for a quick dirty. POF is the lowest of the low.  I keed, I keed. 

[Augie]

17 hours ago, ExiledInIllinois said:

Yeah... But where did Otis sleep @ night!

 

?

 

In a nice clean bed, only to wake up to Aunt Bee’s cooking! (Could be worse....) 

[ExiledInIllinois]

1 minute ago, Augie said:

 

In a nice clean bed, only to wake up to Aunt Bee’s cooking! (Could be worse....) 

Ha!  Not a bad life!!!! Party all night too.

[Augie]

2 minutes ago, ExiledInIllinois said:

Ha!  Not a bad life!!!! Party all night too.

 

But you have to listen to a lot of Barnie. Life is a series of compromises. 

[Fadingpain]

1 hour ago, Augie said:

 

The priest at my sister’s wedding was full of stats like that. During the ceremony. It was like an hour long “I have no idea why you’re doing this” speech.  The facts are the facts, BUT DURING THE WEDDING? 

 

We laugh about it now, and sometimes I think they stayed together 40+ years just to stick it to that old priest!   (Maybe that was his strategy....) 

That's kind of funny; the cynical old priest pissing on the sacrament of marriage as he is about to wed 2 people.

 

So basically, if you get married these days, you have a 50/50 shot of getting divorced, and if you do, on average it will come after 8 years.

 

I would like to see the stat for marriage survival rates after, say, 10 years.

 

I.E., how many marriages end in divorce after 10 years of marriage.

 

I bet it's a small number, as in, if you a couple makes it to the decade mark, they'll stay together forever.  Although even then, you do hear about divorces after many years of marriage so who knows.

 

 

[LeGOATski]

1 hour ago, Fadingpain said:

That's kind of funny; the cynical old priest pissing on the sacrament of marriage as he is about to wed 2 people.

 

So basically, if you get married these days, you have a 50/50 shot of getting divorced, and if you do, on average it will come after 8 years.

 

I would like to see the stat for marriage survival rates after, say, 10 years.

 

I.E., how many marriages end in divorce after 10 years of marriage.

 

I bet it's a small number, as in, if you a couple makes it to the decade mark, they'll stay together forever.  Although even then, you do hear about divorces after many years of marriage so who knows.

 

 

yeah, a lot of stories I hear are people who divorce after the kids have left the household.

[ExiledInIllinois]

1 hour ago, Fadingpain said:

That's kind of funny; the cynical old priest pissing on the sacrament of marriage as he is about to wed 2 people.

 

So basically, if you get married these days, you have a 50/50 shot of getting divorced, and if you do, on average it will come after 8 years.

 

I would like to see the stat for marriage survival rates after, say, 10 years.

 

I.E., how many marriages end in divorce after 10 years of marriage.

 

I bet it's a small number, as in, if you a couple makes it to the decade mark, they'll stay together forever.  Although even then, you do hear about divorces after many years of marriage so who knows.

 

 

Next year We are going on 25. Heck, been here for close to 16.

9 minutes ago, LeGOATski said:

yeah, a lot of stories I hear are people who divorce after the kids have left the household.

I wonder if some do it to cleave their income in half?  With one in College, another ready to go... We'd probably be able to game the system if we got divorced.

 

Sad... But two things the gov't succeeded in doing... Feeding people and educating them.  Yeah, too well, making people fat and educational aid.

Edited September 23, 2018 by ExiledInIllinois

[LeGOATski]

9 minutes ago, ExiledInIllinois said:

Next year We are going on 25. Heck, been here for close to 16.

I wonder if some do it to cleave their income in half?  With one in College, another ready to go... We'd probably be able to game the system if we got divorced.

 

Sad... But two things the gov't succeeded in doing... Feeding people and educating them.  Yeah, too well, making people fat and educational aid.

If the government told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?