Sleep Divorce?

[Johnny Hammersticks]

My wife and I have a wonderful marriage and two great kids.  There have been minor bumps in the road, of course, but overall we have been very happily married for over 13 years.

 

Over the years we have had problems sharing a bed.  I snore and my wife also snores like a lumberjack, but she’s a light sleeper and I could sleep through a dump truck crashing into our living room.  After years of her pounding on the mattress to wake me up, or one of us sleeping in the guest bedroom, we decided finally that we would just sleep in different rooms.  It has worked out very well, although I do miss having her next to me at night and waking up next to her in the morning.
 

Then I was watching the news the other day and it turns out that this “sleep divorce” thing is a trend.  Like I said, it is working well for us, but I could see how it could lead to relationship problems for some.

 

Has anyone else taken this step in their relationship?  Thoughts?

[teef]

some people love a separate room.  We have a guest room with a bathroom, so when one if is sick, we just move to the other room.  when i'm sleeping by myself, i get the best night of sleep, but after a few days it does get old.

 

you can possibly get over the snoring.  have you had any sleep studies done?  for mild to moderate apnea, you can have a mandibular repositioning device.  it's really just a set of retainers you wear, and they stop your jaw from resting on your airway while you sleep.  for moderate to severe apnea, you typically want to use a cpap if you can tolerate it.  

[Ridgewaycynic2013]

High protein diets often result in this arrangement.

[Buffalo716]

I prefer home divorce

 

I love the woman but I prefer if I could wake up in the house next-door to her.. And just come over for breakfast

 

and nooky

Edited July 18, 2023 by Buffalo716

[Johnny Hammersticks]

3 minutes ago, teef said:

some people love a separate room.  We have a guest room with a bathroom, so when one if is sick, we just move to the other room.  when i'm sleeping by myself, i get the best night of sleep, but after a few days it does get old.

 

you can possibly get over the snoring.  have you had any sleep studies done?  for mild to moderate apnea, you can have a mandibular repositioning device.  it's really just a set of retainers you wear, and they stop your jaw from resting on your airway while you sleep.  for moderate to severe apnea, you typically want to use a cpap if you can tolerate it.  

Yes, both of us have had sleep apnea studies done.  The results were negative for both of us, but my amount of “breathing disturbances” was at the higher end of the average range.  I suppose I should have another done, but I didn’t snore as much (according to my wife) after losing over 35 pounds this winter/spring.

2 minutes ago, Buffalo716 said:

I prefer home divorce

 

I love the woman but I prefer if I could wake up in the house next-door to her.. And just come over for breakfast

 

and nooky

This is funny.  We haven’t had any problems arranging rendezvouses for some bedroom fun.  

[teef]

2 minutes ago, Johnny Hammersticks said:

Yes, both of us have had sleep apnea studies done.  The results were negative for both of us, but my amount of “breathing disturbances” was at the higher end of the average range.  I suppose I should have another done, but I didn’t snore as much (according to my wife) after losing over 35 pounds this winter/spring.

see if the wife could wear a TAP appliance.  i make quite a few of them, and people are very happy with the results.  https://glidewelldental.com/solutions/sleep-dentistry/mandibular-advancement-devices/tap-3-tl

 

they can often be covered by medical if you have recent sleep studies.  

[Augie]

2 hours ago, Johnny Hammersticks said:

Yes, both of us have had sleep apnea studies done.  The results were negative for both of us, but my amount of “breathing disturbances” was at the higher end of the average range.  I suppose I should have another done, but I didn’t snore as much (according to my wife) after losing over 35 pounds this winter/spring.

 

OH!  I’d bet the weight loss really made a difference! 

 

I used to snore badly. I could wake myself up. It was real, and I admitted it. I got a CPAP and hated it. I couldn’t wear it more than a few hours. I got into a habit of staying up well past midnight so I could wear it briefly until my early rising wife got up. Once she’s up the mask came off.

 

But some years have passed, I’ve lost a little weight (maybe 8-10 lbs, not drastic) and I swear I hardly ever snore now. She is not so convinced, and I’m not wearing it….so usually I just go to another bedroom where I can’t bother her and she won’t wake me up in the morning. It’s not new, it works fine, and we’ve never been closer. But we’ve been traveling lately and spending the full night in the same room with no other options. We recently went on an 2 week trip and I took the CPAP, but only wore it a couple hours on the first few nights. We were both so exhausted we slept like rocks. We went to NYC last weekend and I didn’t even take it. Short trip so less chance I could ruin it. Never a problem. 

 

Congrats on the weight loss. I hope that was all good for you. 

 

And if anyone wants to get approved for a CPAP, be sure you get hammered the night before your sleep study like I did!  😂 

 

 

 

.

Edited July 18, 2023 by Augie

[Doc]

44 minutes ago, Johnny Hammersticks said:

My wife and I have a wonderful marriage and two great kids.  There have been minor bumps in the road, of course, but overall we have been very happily married for over 13 years.

 

Over the years we have had problems sharing a bed.  I snore and my wife also snores like a lumberjack, but she’s a light sleeper and I could sleep through a dump truck crashing into our living room.  After years of her pounding on the mattress to wake me up, or one of us sleeping in the guest bedroom, we decided finally that we would just sleep in different rooms.  It has worked out very well, although I do miss having her next to me at night and waking up next to her in the morning.
 

Then I was watching the news the other day and it turns out that this “sleep divorce” thing is a trend.  Like I said, it is working well for us, but I could see how it could lead to relationship problems for some.

 

Has anyone else taken this step in their relationship?  Thoughts?

 

I did it for several months because my wife started snoring like crazy 2 years ago.  I didn't like the other bed so I came back and wear ear plugs in bed.

[Johnny Hammersticks]

1 hour ago, Doc said:

 

I did it for several months because my wife started snoring like crazy 2 years ago.  I didn't like the other bed so I came back and wear ear plugs in bed.

My wife was wearing ear plugs, and eye mask, and sometimes noise cancelling head phones.  A mouse farting in the next room could wake her up.  
 

I was always fine with her snoring provided I could fall asleep prior to her really getting revved up.  My only issue was when I would wake up to take a leak or something.  I couldn’t get back to sleep.

[Augie]

2 hours ago, Doc said:

 

I did it for several months because my wife started snoring like crazy 2 years ago.  I didn't like the other bed so I came back and wear ear plugs in bed.

 

My wife said “the ear plugs don’t work.”

 

I said “they are still in the wrappers.”  Silly me thought that would be for the win. 

 

I’m sure they are still in wrappers, somewhere. 

[boyst]

3 hours ago, Johnny Hammersticks said:

Yes, both of us have had sleep apnea studies done.  The results were negative for both of us, but my amount of “breathing disturbances” was at the higher end of the average range.  I suppose I should have another done, but I didn’t snore as much (according to my wife) after losing over 35 pounds this winter/spring.

This is funny.  We haven’t had any problems arranging rendezvouses for some bedroom fun.  

Good job on losing weight.

[aristocrat]

Do those tempur pedic beds that incline actually stop you from snoring? 
 

we thought we had an ok mattress but the old lady slept like *****. Then we had a custom mattress made and we’ve never slept better. I sleep straight through the night which is something I had never done in my life. Ours was only 2200 bucks or so. Good sleep is worth unlimited money 

[maddenboy]

4 hours ago, Johnny Hammersticks said:

Then I was watching the news the other day and it turns out that this “sleep divorce” thing is a trend.  Like I said, it is working well for us, but I could see how it could lead to relationship problems for some.

 

Has anyone else taken this step in their relationship?  Thoughts?

i dont think its a trend. 

 

I think it was introducing the younger generation to what they can expect in the coming years.   I think it is perfectly normal.  Especially during empty nest.

[DrW]

My wife and I have separate bedrooms for more than 10 years by now, and it preserved our marriage. We both work in academia, for significantly more than 40 hours per week; thus, lots of work is done at home. We both use our bedroom also as office. In addition, we have completely different sleep cycles; she is tired by 9 pm while I can read or watch TV late at night.

[Johnny Hammersticks]

1 hour ago, aristocrat said:

Do those tempur pedic beds that incline actually stop you from snoring? 
 

we thought we had an ok mattress but the old lady slept like *****. Then we had a custom mattress made and we’ve never slept better. I sleep straight through the night which is something I had never done in my life. Ours was only 2200 bucks or so. Good sleep is worth unlimited money 

Not sure.  One of the benefits of our arrangement is that my wife chose the guest bedroom which has a queen sized bed.  I stayed in the master bedroom which has a Cali-King sized bed.  I can’t remember the brand, but it was like $4000 when we bought it 10 years ago.  Like sleeping on a cloud.  

[boyst]

1 hour ago, aristocrat said:

Do those tempur pedic beds that incline actually stop you from snoring? 
 

we thought we had an ok mattress but the old lady slept like *****. Then we had a custom mattress made and we’ve never slept better. I sleep straight through the night which is something I had never done in my life. Ours was only 2200 bucks or so. Good sleep is worth unlimited money 

Do research before buying mattresses. You can usually avoid the big fancy marketed labels and buy the same thing much cheaper. Casper is made by Leggett & Platt, who also makes several other mattress brands. Leggett & Platt is basically the GM of furniture. They make the internals for many, many types of seating.

 

You can buy direct from Leggett. You can also buy the cheaper versions they make which only has differences in the fabric applied atop.

 

Regardless, if you go for a pocketed coil mattress it is one of the best. Purple is terrible, the brand that is.

 

I ran production for a L&P for a while. 

[Jauronimo]

2 hours ago, boyst said:

Do research before buying mattresses. You can usually avoid the big fancy marketed labels and buy the same thing much cheaper. Casper is made by Leggett & Platt, who also makes several other mattress brands. Leggett & Platt is basically the GM of furniture. They make the internals for many, many types of seating.

 

You can buy direct from Leggett. You can also buy the cheaper versions they make which only has differences in the fabric applied atop.

 

Regardless, if you go for a pocketed coil mattress it is one of the best. Purple is terrible, the brand that is.

 

I ran production for a L&P for a while. 

You can usually find interesting mattress deals on Craigslist and Facebook marketplace if you're not stuck up.

Edited July 19, 2023 by Jauronimo

[BuffaloBill]

12 hours ago, Johnny Hammersticks said:

My wife was wearing ear plugs, and eye mask, and sometimes noise cancelling head phones.  A mouse farting in the next room could wake her up.  
 

I was always fine with her snoring provided I could fall asleep prior to her really getting revved up.  My only issue was when I would wake up to take a leak or something.  I couldn’t get back to sleep.

 

 

Now you blame the farting on a mouse…. 

[GunnerBill]

15 hours ago, Buffalo716 said:

I prefer home divorce

 

I love the woman but I prefer if I could wake up in the house next-door to her.. And just come over for breakfast

 

and nooky

 

Basically the relationship my partner and I have. Originally it was circumstance but we have been talking recently about whether we do actually want to live together permanently, and I think we are coming round to the idea that we don't need to. We probably spent like 5 nights out of 7 together, but we both really enjoy our own space.  

[aristocrat]

7 hours ago, Jauronimo said:

You can usually find interesting mattress deals on Craigslist and Facebook marketplace if you're not stuck up.

And people buy them. Years ago when we sold out last house we actually sold all our mattresses. Granted it was like 50 bucks each but I was so grossed out. They were decent mattresses but 4-5 years old and the people that got them were pretty normal. 

[teef]

12 hours ago, aristocrat said:

Do those tempur pedic beds that incline actually stop you from snoring? 
 

we thought we had an ok mattress but the old lady slept like *****. Then we had a custom mattress made and we’ve never slept better. I sleep straight through the night which is something I had never done in my life. Ours was only 2200 bucks or so. Good sleep is worth unlimited money 

i think this is where i'm at.  i need a new beg, and specifically a new pillow.  i'm up every few hours during the night, and my pillow alone is causing issues.  

 

for anyone who does get the tempur pedic bed that inclines, get the one where the sides of the bed incline/decline independent of each other.  we have one where the entire back moves, but when i want it up, my wife is already sleeping, etc.  i have to imagine it helps with snoring, but we never use it.

[Augie]

4 hours ago, aristocrat said:

And people buy them. Years ago when we sold out last house we actually sold all our mattresses. Granted it was like 50 bucks each but I was so grossed out. They were decent mattresses but 4-5 years old and the people that got them were pretty normal. 

 

The mattress industry is a seedy world. My wife was looking for a brand new mattress for our bedroom and the delivery guys show up at the door. The first thing he says is “before we carry this is, I should tell you there is a stain on it.” WHAT!?!? Why did you even bring it? But they get paid to deliver, not sell mattresses and there was no way on earth I was accepting that! 

 

Ended up with one of the adjustable mattresses that can vibrate. The wife loves it, I’m OK with it. We have yet to determine if raising the head stops snoring, because I DO NOT snore!  😋

 

 

(Much or often.) 

 

The people who bought our last house kept the mattress in the built-in Murphy bed because they needed something to sleep on until their furniture arrived. They are normal people, and that thing was only used a handful of times. 

[boater]

Sounds like you both need CPAP.

Address the snoring, no need for sleep divorce. Unless someone has the jimmy-leg... that's a whole other story.

 

[Gugny]

9 hours ago, boater said:

Sounds like you both need CPAP.

Address the snoring, no need for sleep divorce. Unless someone has the jimmy-leg... that's a whole other story.

 

I wear a CPAP and it definitely makes a difference. 
 

I have a married friend who sleeps in a different room than her husband. It originally started because she snored so loudly. 
 

After getting the CPAP, they decided they still wanted to continue sleeping in separate quarters. 
 

But her husband is a douchebag and 20+ years older than she is. 
 

[The Jokeman]

On 7/18/2023 at 4:31 PM, Johnny Hammersticks said:

My wife and I have a wonderful marriage and two great kids.  There have been minor bumps in the road, of course, but overall we have been very happily married for over 13 years.

 

Over the years we have had problems sharing a bed.  I snore and my wife also snores like a lumberjack, but she’s a light sleeper and I could sleep through a dump truck crashing into our living room.  After years of her pounding on the mattress to wake me up, or one of us sleeping in the guest bedroom, we decided finally that we would just sleep in different rooms.  It has worked out very well, although I do miss having her next to me at night and waking up next to her in the morning.
 

Then I was watching the news the other day and it turns out that this “sleep divorce” thing is a trend.  Like I said, it is working well for us, but I could see how it could lead to relationship problems for some.

 

Has anyone else taken this step in their relationship?  Thoughts?

Sounds like my sleeping situation, the wife sometimes kicks me to the sofa as sometimes I get night time shakes which consistently wakes her up yet doesn't effect me at all. 

[transplantbillsfan]

Interesting thread. Think I saw the news piece. They even claimed it was "mostly Millenials." I was born in 81 and my wife was born in 82, so by some definitions we're Millenials even though neither of us have the characteristics.

 

We've been married 13 years but together for 18 years. We lived and slept in the same bed all 5 years before we got married. I snore and my wife is a light sleeper. My snoring got worse over the years. I tried Breathe Right strips, anti-snoring mouth guards, throat and tongue exercises, and taping my mouth. They work sporadically and then at some point my wife ends up hitting me because I'm snoring again and I either go to sleep and get hit again and eventually end up on the couch or I lie awake because I don't want to snore.

 

Eventually I got Covid in May of 2022 and my wife slept in our spare room for a week. Then October 2022 I go visit my family in NY and come back and our cat (her baby) was diagnosed with Cancer and since Covid when I go on my annual trip we sleep in separate rooms anyway for a week.

 

Well, that stuck. She wanted the time with our cat (she passed in March) and a month or so later we rescued 4 kittens that were a couple days old that she stayed in the room with to bottle feed.

 

I will say this. I don't think I've ever slept better in our marriage. My wife maybe not so much because of all the cat and kitten issues, but I think this is pretty permanent. 

 

Don't know fully how I feel about it yet. There's a (what I generally feel is ridiculous) traditionalist in me that feels the need to adhere to societal norms. One would think I would have gotten over that with our choice not to have kids, but I pushed back with my wife fairly hard on sleeping in separate beds. Now I feel pretty good about it. However, I do think it means you need to make more of an effort as far as your marriage goes.

 

In the end, every marriage is different. Even though I freely admit I don't always take my own advice, do what makes you and your wife happy and don't allow society to dictate that.