Anybody else struggle with missing Christmases of the past?

[BillsPride12]

Merry Christmas to all!  I know this year in particular isn't a normal Christmas for most people but I feel like the last few years I always deal with a little bit of depression around the holiday season and mostly Christmas.  It was a rough decade in my family, lost some grandparents, some issues in the family that have left relatives not speaking to each other, divorces etc...It's just totally changed the family dynamics of my Christmas now.  I get really nostalgic for the old Christmases and all the great memories I have.  You don't even know how great you have it until it's gone.  I'm in my mid 30s and I get things are going to change over time but it still doesn't make it hurt any less.  I really had an awesome childhood with a lot of great family members that are no longer around and it's tough thinking those days are never coming back.  Can anybody else relate to this or have any similar experiences?

[Another Fan]

59 minutes ago, BillsPride12 said:

Merry Christmas to all!  I know this year in particular isn't a normal Christmas for most people but I feel like the last few years I always deal with a little bit of depression around the holiday season and mostly Christmas.  It was a rough decade in my family, lost some grandparents, some issues in the family that have left relatives not speaking to each other, divorces etc...It's just totally changed the family dynamics of my Christmas now.  I get really nostalgic for the old Christmases and all the great memories I have.  You don't even know how great you have it until it's gone.  I'm in my mid 30s and I get things are going to change over time but it still doesn't make it hurt any less.  I really had an awesome childhood with a lot of great family members that are no longer around and it's tough thinking those days are never coming back.  Can anybody else relate to this or have any similar experiences?

You're not alone.  My grandparents parents both died in the early 2000's.  They used to always have Christmas at their apartment.  For the most part it was stress free/people enjoyed themselves even as their health took turns for the worst.

 

After my grandma died in I think it was 2003 the dynamics there changed a lot.  I had a real hard time in college that semester and the niceness I remember from the Christmases they used to host seem to go away.   Enough so that sometimes get togethers with that side of the family stress me out more than anything.

 

But yeah I had this conversation with my folks actually not that long ago 

Edited December 26, 2020 by Another Fan

[BringBackFergy]

My father died two years ago on Thanksgiving. My parents were together for 57 years. Love them both. So Thanksgivings and Christmas will never be the same. And I’ve met with some clients (and some posters here) whose children predeceased them - has to be the absolute worst. I guess we have to keep moving forward and trust that we’ll meet up with them again in heaven. Enjoy your Holidays here and know your loved ones are with you in spirit. 

[UConn James]

It’s been a long time since I enjoyed a Christmas. My mum was bipolar and would almost always have an angry-depressive event on the day of. Even in good years, there’s been family stuff with divorce and custody that threw everything off. A couple of times I had really bad migraines for a few days around it. My mum passed in early December 2014 from pancreatic cancer and it’s weird to say that the two years during the surgery-chemo process were maybe the best Christmases I can remember; maybe it was a case of all the BS being set aside and just enjoying the time that the family had left. Since then it’s been pretty joyless. A good deal of grief and depression the time of year brings up, a custody situation where I haven’t seen my niece from one brother in 5 years (he lives down the street and has health issues so I would spend LOTS of time with her) and my other brother lives some distance away and his wife is... difficult in the Karen kind of way and they do tons of presents for their kids (while owing my dad thousands that he loaned) and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

 

I think I’ve only put up the tree two times since 2014. It just doesn’t feel like a holiday anymore.

Edited December 26, 2020 by UConn James

[RaoulDuke79]

This year sucked that's for sure. But today gave me a boost. We had my wife's grandmother over today. She's 89, her husband passed away 2 months ago, she beat covid last month and just had heart surgery 2 weeks ago. If this woman is still kicking, I sure as hell can too. Onward and upward in 2021.

[Augie]

15 minutes ago, Augie said:

We moved to Sarasota, FL in 1993. My wife flew back to see her dad in the hospital, then returned to be with me and the kids on Christmas Eve. Her dad said “I can’t do it, I can’t die on Christmas Day”. He lasted until 12/29. Three years ago at Thanksgiving her mom passed away. A few months later our son passed away on 1/2/18, just days after our favorite Christmas EVER. 

 

The Holidays are full of great and sad reminders, just like the rest of our lives. I can’t say it hasn’t crossed our minds, but we try to focus on what we have rather than what we do not. We fight to find the positive. One thing we DO have is a lot of great memories, and we cherish them. 

 

My mom is 93 years old and we loved having Christmas with her. I don’t know how many more we will have, so I’ll be happy with this year and savor these holidays. We are not promised the next year, so enjoy what you have. 

 

Best I got for you........

 

The old things are never coming back, but great NEW things can happen. Just be open to that and try to move forward. 

 

Edited December 26, 2020 by Augie

[Gugny]

5 hours ago, BillsPride12 said:

Merry Christmas to all!  I know this year in particular isn't a normal Christmas for most people but I feel like the last few years I always deal with a little bit of depression around the holiday season and mostly Christmas.  It was a rough decade in my family, lost some grandparents, some issues in the family that have left relatives not speaking to each other, divorces etc...It's just totally changed the family dynamics of my Christmas now.  I get really nostalgic for the old Christmases and all the great memories I have.  You don't even know how great you have it until it's gone.  I'm in my mid 30s and I get things are going to change over time but it still doesn't make it hurt any less.  I really had an awesome childhood with a lot of great family members that are no longer around and it's tough thinking those days are never coming back.  Can anybody else relate to this or have any similar experiences?

 

Can totally relate, dude.  I grew up in a very close family - my parents, older bro and older sis.  Long story, short - my brother married a c-word who, for some reason, made it her mission to completely divide my brother's side of the family and alienate my brother from all of us.  My bro and his c-wife proceeded to raise their three children to believe that her side of the family is what matters.  They only see my parents at Christmas (and they're ***** Jewish) so they can get their envelopes with money in them.  

 

What used to be a holiday full of love and peace is now full of tension and anxiety ... and my parents (who've never hurt a soul) feel the most of it.

 

I chose to not go to my parents' (81 and 76) house this Christmas Eve because I've been exposed to a number of people who've recently tested positive for C-19.

 

This has been the best Christmas I've had for decades.  And it's a Goddamn shame.

[Simon]

This was the first time in 25 years that Christmas eve and morning took place without me being able to be with both my kiddos.

I just got back from my son's house in Michigan after a 7hr drive through heavy lake effect across Northern Ohio and am now going to drive down to my daughter's place tomorrow.

Of my 52 Christmas', this ranked 51st. 

[Mike in Horseheads]

I also can relate.  My dads side of the family had 9 kids so I always had aunts and uncles constantly at our house or going to theirs.  On my moms side it was 4 kids but they they all lived out of town. When my mom died last year she was the last of that generation. After the funeral we were picking on my cousin that she was now the matriarch of the family.

... Because of the Covids this year I only briefly saw my brother and sister.  In some regards I didn't mind not seeing my brother as he's on the far opposite side of me on politics and even if Covid is real and in general just a miserable person right now and thats sad. I don't know if or when all of us will be together again and that sux.

...So it was just GF and I and the 2 cats this year and it was peaceful.

[Buftex]

Same.  I have a very large family...but since 2010 we have been dropping like flys.  Multiple  cases of cancer (still in the middle of that), heart failures, a suicide, a car accident, both parents passed in the last 7 years...and for the last few years a bit of a poltical divide...and now COVID19. 

 

I have always loved Christmas, but it has been harder and harder to catch that feeling the last few years.  I live in Texas, miles away from my six sisters and their families. My brothers kids (he passed away two Thanksgivings ago) don't really keep in touch. We spread out all over.  I have been in a bit of a funk through this whole thing.

 

This year, I finally tried to plow through.  I spent way more money than I probably should have on gifts...mailed them all out on Tuesday (12/15) to 8 different addresses. Only 1 of the 8 got their gifts in the mail.  The rest are all sitting in mail center in various locations.  I know, it is not all about gifts, but it was really a drag as we all sat on a zoom family get-together and everyone was opening fun gifts from eachother, except from me.  It really depressed me for some reason...probably way more than it should have.  

 

So, I spent the day with two roommates who come from small families that barely acknowledge Christmas in any sort of way.  It was just kind of dreary.  Not the Christmas I have always loved.  

 

But what the hell....Merry Christmas all.  At least we got the Bills!

Edited December 26, 2020 by Buftex

[BuffaloBill]

9 hours ago, Augie said:

 

The old things are never coming back, but great NEW things can happen. Just be open to that and try to move forward. 

 

 

 

Amen to this. 

[\GoBillsInDallas/]

Loneliness, that's the bottom line. I was never happy as a child... Christmas, Ted, what does that mean to you? It was living hell. Do you know what it's like falling in the mud and getting kicked, in the head? With an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does, that never happens. Sorry, Ted, it's a dumb question, skip that.

[BillsPride12]

10 hours ago, Gugny said:

 

Can totally relate, dude.  I grew up in a very close family - my parents, older bro and older sis.  Long story, short - my brother married a c-word who, for some reason, made it her mission to completely divide my brother's side of the family and alienate my brother from all of us.  My bro and his c-wife proceeded to raise their three children to believe that her side of the family is what matters.  They only see my parents at Christmas (and they're ***** Jewish) so they can get their envelopes with money in them.  

 

What used to be a holiday full of love and peace is now full of tension and anxiety ... and my parents (who've never hurt a soul) feel the most of it.

 

I chose to not go to my parents' (81 and 76) house this Christmas Eve because I've been exposed to a number of people who've recently tested positive for C-19.

 

This has been the best Christmas I've had for decades.  And it's a Goddamn shame.

I can really relate to the two statements I put in bold.  For one I have the same feelings of tension and anxiety whenever the Holidays come around and that in itself is so depressing because I grew up absolutely loving the "magic" of Christmas.  When your younger you just never see the downfalls coming.  The person I feel for the most is my 89 year old Grandmother, as I mentioned in my first post there's been a lot of issues(which I won't get into specific details) that have caused a lot of the siblings on that side of the family to stop talking and no longer gather at the holidays.  It just tears her apart and I can feel her pain whenever I am talking to her(on the phone because of course I don't get to actually see her on the holidays because of all the drama).  It doesn't seem fair that she has to deal with something like this as her time is winding down.  She is last my grandparent I have left and this isn't the way I want to be spending her remaining time with us but here we are.

 

And I felt the same way as for your last statement because in normal years I get really jealous of everybody having their big Christmases with all the extended family and this year with everybody doing the social distancing it felt like an even playing field for once where my Christmas isn't too different from everybody else's but yes a goddamn shame that feeling that way about this year was comforting in a way.

[BillsPride12]

8 hours ago, Buftex said:

Same.  I have a very large family...but since 2010 we have been dropping like flys.  Multiple  cases of cancer (still in the middle of that), heart failures, a suicide, a car accident, both parents passed in the last 7 years...and for the last few years a bit of a poltical divide...and now COVID19. 

 

I have always loved Christmas, but it has been harder and harder to catch that feeling the last few years.  I live in Texas, miles away from my six sisters and their families. My brothers kids (he passed away two Thanksgivings ago) don't really keep in touch. We spread out all over.  I have been in a bit of a funk through this whole thing.

 

This year, I finally tried to plow through.  I spent way more money than I probably should have on gifts...mailed them all out on Tuesday (12/15) to 8 different addresses. Only 1 of the 8 got their gifts in the mail.  The rest are all sitting in mail center in various locations.  I know, it is not all about gifts, but it was really a drag as we all sat on a zoom family get-together and everyone was opening fun gifts from eachother, except from me.  It really depressed me for some reason...probably way more than it should have.  

 

So, I spent the day with two roommates who come from small families that barely acknowledge Christmas in any sort of way.  It was just kind of dreary.  Not the Christmas I have always loved.  

 

But what the hell....Merry Christmas all.  At least we got the Bills!

It was also around 2010 when things started to change for our family.  There was a big divorce in the family between my aunt and uncle that had a lot of side elements and created a lot of ripples that began the family getting ripped apart.  Meanwhile on my other the side of the family my other Grandmother had Dementia in 2010 and began to fall apart pretty fast.  She eventually passed in 2013 and then my grandfather passed away a little after that, and then an Uncle on that side of the family passed away after that pretty much knocking off having any extended family on my Mom's side because there were already family issues with the other two Uncle's that went back years ago.  Then you add in the political tension nowadays and Covid and I really don't embellish things when I say it's been a BRUTAL decade.  But I agree the Bills have finally been a positive distraction for once!

[BillsPride12]

A lot of good replies and it sounds like a lot of people can relate to the feelings in their own ways and with their own situations.  In a way it is comforting knowing other people are going through the same kind of struggles.  I think it's a part of life and changes are bound to happen but I also think the American culture has changed a lot over the years too and that's contributed to family issues.  Deaths are always going to be a sad part of life unfortunately but it's always going to be hard to accept.  It is always great to have memories even though sometimes they are bitter sweet!  Cherish the good ones, make peace with the bad ones  and try your best to move on because the old days are never coming back

[Beerball]

16 hours ago, BillsPride12 said:

Merry Christmas to all!  I know this year in particular isn't a normal Christmas for most people but I feel like the last few years I always deal with a little bit of depression around the holiday season and mostly Christmas.  It was a rough decade in my family, lost some grandparents, some issues in the family that have left relatives not speaking to each other, divorces etc...It's just totally changed the family dynamics of my Christmas now.  I get really nostalgic for the old Christmases and all the great memories I have.  You don't even know how great you have it until it's gone.  I'm in my mid 30s and I get things are going to change over time but it still doesn't make it hurt any less.  I really had an awesome childhood with a lot of great family members that are no longer around and it's tough thinking those days are never coming back.  Can anybody else relate to this or have any similar experiences?

My mother died a couple days before Christmas many, many years ago.  You never forget (which is IMHO good), but having kids of my own helped me to learn to enjoy the holidays again.

[Augie]

2 hours ago, Beerball said:

My mother died a couple days before Christmas many, many years ago.  You never forget (which is IMHO good), but having kids of my own helped me to learn to enjoy the holidays again.

 

There you go, focus on what you have rather than what you do NOT have. And you still have those fond memories. 

[Chandler#81]

On 12/26/2020 at 1:32 AM, Buftex said:

Same.  I have a very large family...but since 2010 we have been dropping like flys.  Multiple  cases of cancer (still in the middle of that), heart failures, a suicide, a car accident, both parents passed in the last 7 years...and for the last few years a bit of a poltical divide...and now COVID19. 

 

I have always loved Christmas, but it has been harder and harder to catch that feeling the last few years.  I live in Texas, miles away from my six sisters and their families. My brothers kids (he passed away two Thanksgivings ago) don't really keep in touch. We spread out all over.  I have been in a bit of a funk through this whole thing.

 

This year, I finally tried to plow through.  I spent way more money than I probably should have on gifts...mailed them all out on Tuesday (12/15) to 8 different addresses. Only 1 of the 8 got their gifts in the mail.  The rest are all sitting in mail center in various locations.  I know, it is not all about gifts, but it was really a drag as we all sat on a zoom family get-together and everyone was opening fun gifts from eachother, except from me.  It really depressed me for some reason...probably way more than it should have.  

 

So, I spent the day with two roommates who come from small families that barely acknowledge Christmas in any sort of way.  It was just kind of dreary.  Not the Christmas I have always loved.  

 

But what the hell....Merry Christmas all.  At least we got the Bills!

Merry Christmas, bro!

[Another Fan]

On 12/26/2020 at 10:31 AM, BillsPride12 said:

A lot of good replies and it sounds like a lot of people can relate to the feelings in their own ways and with their own situations.  In a way it is comforting knowing other people are going through the same kind of struggles.  I think it's a part of life and changes are bound to happen but I also think the American culture has changed a lot over the years too and that's contributed to family issues.  Deaths are always going to be a sad part of life unfortunately but it's always going to be hard to accept.  It is always great to have memories even though sometimes they are bitter sweet!  Cherish the good ones, make peace with the bad ones  and try your best to move on because the old days are never coming back

Well this would be a dangerous thread for you to open on a day you're feeling it with a bottle in your hand 😟

 

But I guess it's sort of like college in a way, up until that point in school there's more or less a series of checks and balances that sort of won't let you fall through the cracks for the most part.  In college that pretty much goes away, at least where I went to school.

 

It's like that with family life for you as well it sounds.  For me there was always sort of a series of checks and balances growing up dealing with family members.  But it's going away more and more over time.  I guess it gets the point now where you choose going forward how you want to relate to these people?  You should be fine 

[US Egg]

Having all sons with large extended in-law families, Xmas day traditionally for my wife and I consists of a couple hour visit to open presents and they're off to some relatives over packed house.

 

Not this year, had them all here from noon to 6, best Xmas day visit ever.....masks on of course.

 

 

[BillsPride12]

3 minutes ago, Another Fan said:

Well this would be a dangerous thread for you to open on a day you're feeling it with a bottle in your hand 😟

 

But I guess it's sort of like college in a way, up until that point in school there's more or less a series of checks and balances that sort of won't let you fall through the cracks for the most part.  In college that pretty much goes away, at least where I went to school.

 

It's like that with family life for you as well it sounds.  For me there was always sort of a series of checks and balances growing up dealing with family members.  But it's going away more and more over time.  I guess it gets the point now where you choose going forward how you want to relate to these people?  You should be fine 

Thanks I am already feeling much better today.  It's not something that completely consumes me year round but I'd be lying if I said the leadup to the Holidays aren't tough and then it gets worse on Thanksgiving and reaches it's worst point on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  Once the Holidays are over it's a bit easier to move forward.  Reading the other replies and stories were actually pretty comforting in a sad way.  I appreciate everybody that took the time to reply in this thread, it meant a lot to me!

[TBBills]

I think many people had a normal Christmas just like they had a normal Thanksgiving.

 

I know the Jewish community didn't let Covid stop them from mass gatherings.

 

I think lots of people were happy they didn't have to go to midnight mass also. 

Edited December 27, 2020 by TBBills