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KingBoots8

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Buffalo Bills

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The quicker they go to paywall the better so I never have to hear about them again. Very few people will pay 50 cents a month for that let alone 8 bucks. 

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I wouldn’t pay for it, but holy crap I love these stories every year. I read the bills and Panthers. 
 

Panther fan: How sad is it I know more current players on the bills roster than I do Carolina 😂😂😂

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the Ohio of New York!

 

Racist Mahomes 😭

I feel seen 

 

If you’re a Bills fan, your entire life is a series of sliding doors. You endure that game and spend years and years after the fact thinking about every last if…

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This is the absolute, bar none, best and most honest thing I have ever read in this series:

 

This year The Buffalo Bills will absolutely win the Super Bowl. Not because they are a surprisingly complete team. Not because I think Josh Allen will make that superstar jump. Not because God is good and we (as a sports city) have suffered more than most. No way. Their imminent victory will be one final absentee ballot marked “***** You” from this ratshit year, to stillbirth across my feet. 


Trump will have been self-appointed “President-Big-Dick-Huge-Hands 4 LYFE” for roughly two weeks when my miraculously virus free Buffalo Bills take the field in early February. On the first snap, Josh Allen will roll out, hurdle a tipped over corpse strapped to a ventilator, then take it to the ***** house. I’ll break my hand punching the ceiling with excitement. 

This will happen thirty more times, or until everyone gets bored. Then the refs will roll the rest of the Bucs back to the hospitals and morgues where their remains can be studied, donated, or cremated. And this is how Buffalo will finally beat Tom Brady. This is how Buffalo will finally win a championship. With an asterisk, during a pandemic. With a team that might have done so by virtue of its own merit any other year.


Buffalo will cheer. Then look around and notice the rot wafting up and across our victory. We’ll know that this how it had to happen. At the end of the world. And that it’s meaningless. 

Then, a month later, the clouds will part. 


Corona will be cured. Black lives will matter. The votes will be recounted and Trump will choke to death on a filet-o-fish. All our dead grandparents will ride down from heaven on our favorite childhood pets and give us, warm, loving hugs. The world will cautiously, then confidently, come into bloom. A beautiful, Technicolor dream that everyone knew was possible, if we just made it so. Hand, clasped in hand, we’ll stand together and take one final caustic glance back on this sick joke of a year, then look forward with optimism forever. We’ll all exhale. It will truly be bliss.


And then. 


And then. In late summer of 2021, when the world is spinning to the tune of that new normal. When everything is better, or on its way there. When it finally feels okay to start talking about something as trivial as football again. I’ll be in an airport bar wearing my Buffalo Bills “Championship” T-shirt un-ironically. Everyone will chuckle and think it’s a joke, but it won’t be. I’ll mean it. I’ll mean every ***** bit of it. Every molecule. I’ll take that cheap win, and pull its misery into myself because I’ll know It’ll be all that I will ever get out of this ***** team. And it will be infinite bile in my mouth. 

I’ll wish, with everything that I have, that a nuke had just knocked our planet off its axis when there was still a chance for such things. I’ll mourn the times when such an end was still possible, likely, or assured. Plague, pestilence and all that good stuff.

By opening day, Buffalo, NY will be nuclear capable. By the time we are mathematically eliminated from playoffs in mid November, vapor trails will be traced backwards from the irradiated ruins of the world’s greatest cities to the east coast of Lake Erie. Buffalo will have taken its winter worldwide. 


The pale horse will have no rider but instead a helmet adorned with the stain of a blood red buffalo in dramatic profile. And also blue and red ***** piping up the side of his legs. 


Come and see. And I saw. 


***** me through a folding table and straight down to the center of the earth.

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They've been slipping in an unfortunate direction the last few years - more and more of the "humor" is just a moral/political pronouncement whose punchline lies in the viewer eagerly nodding in agreement, smarmy in imagining the hypothetical stammering reactions from those it rebukes

 

Haven't read this one yet

Edited by arcane
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Not even humorous anymore. If this is their campaign to lure paying customers, just lock the doors now.

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4 minutes ago, Chandler#81 said:

Not even humorous anymore. If this is their campaign to lure paying customers, just lock the doors now.

 

Complete agreement and I used to look forward to these but this is just flat out crap.

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10 hours ago, Buffalo619 said:

Paywall = Business killer

 

The money is in marketing, specifically advertising. 

The Athletic just got a million subscribers. If you have good content, people will pay it 

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12 hours ago, Big C said:

Wow I didn't know defect was a synonym for overcharge your customer. 

Technically, if in incognito mode, you can read the series for free.  That was my observation, at least, and not sure if this was by design or a mistake on their part.

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This was their best burn

McDermott will be the longest tenured coach in Buffalo since Marv Levy. That sounds impressive until you learn that the current holder of that title is Dick Jauron

 

Not their best...it felt rushed. Even the WFT and Cleveland ones were meh.

I dig the site though. In their "About Us" section, they provide a great read on how they got here.

Peak Deadspin filled a unique niche and was a nice break from the usual sports takes. I hope it works out for them.

 

12 hours ago, Buffalo619 said:

Paywall = Business killer

 

The money is in marketing, specifically advertising. 

 

Marketing is sales without accountability.

Digital marketing / advertising needs to die. Talk about  a waste of resources.

Edited by TheElectricCompany

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1 hour ago, Captain Hindsight said:

The Athletic just got a million subscribers. If you have good content, people will pay it 

Exactly, the difference is The Athletic has valuable content where Deadspin is played out political jokes no one read when it was free

Edited by uticaclub

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