What would you do?

[RuntheDamnBall]

Fellow Bills fans, I would like your advice.

 

I have been asked to be best man for a friend's wedding in a rather exotic (and hence expensive) location, and I feel obligated to go, but this is going to really break the bank for me and my wife to the tune of 2 grand for a weekend (4-5 days), when we already had been hoping to take another relatively distant vacation (we definitely don't make enough to take 2 trips of this scale in a year). A lot of our friends are thinking the same thing and many, if not most, will not make the trip. My position obviously makes it a lot more difficult to say no.

 

I don't really know what to tell my friend. I have been looking at cheaper places to stay and any way possible to reduce my flight costs, but I am not sure that it looks too good.

 

In addition, the friend will be expecting a decent bachelor party and the early spring date of this wedding kind of nixes any really interesting sports ideas. He is also a Bills nut. We both live in NYC.

 

For the record, my wife and I had a hometown outdoor wedding in WNY that was elegant but not ridiculous, and we put up all of the wedding party (including this friend) and their S/O's at some of my parents' nicely done rental properties. Obviously, I am not expecting full hotel money to be put up for me, but I am still a little peeved about it.

 

I can get into real details in PM mode, I just wanted to air it out and see what people might suggest here.

 

Thanks in advance.

[Puhonix]

First thought, the Bachelor party does not need to be near the wedding date. Pick sometime before and do your football thing.

[jad1]

First thought, the Bachelor party does not need to be near the wedding date. Pick sometime before and do your football thing.

390611[/snapback]

 

Knock up your wife. That way she won't be able to travel when the wedding rolls around, and you won't want to leave her on her own that close to her due date. Works every time!

[RuntheDamnBall]

First thought, the Bachelor party does not need to be near the wedding date. Pick sometime before and do your football thing.

390611[/snapback]

Good point. However, I'd feel a lot better about flying home and paying for his and my Bills and JetBlue tix if I wasn't already throwing down a ton for the wedding.

 

Plus that would mean at least $200 a person for the bachelor party. Honest question, is that a reasonable expectation? (No sarcasm intended.)

[CoachChuckDickerson]

I was married in an expensive and exotic location as well. My wife and I understood the expense factor and chose not to invite anybody. We had the entire ceremony professionally taped and had a reception when we got back to the States. Showed the tape there and everybody had a blast. I fuggin hate people who pull junk like your buddy did.

[plenzmd1]

Fellow Bills fans, I would like your advice.

 

I have been asked to be best man for a friend's wedding in a rather exotic (and hence expensive) location, and I feel obligated to go, but this is going to really break the bank for me and my wife to the tune of 2 grand for a weekend (4-5 days), when we already had been hoping to take another relatively distant vacation (we definitely don't make enough to take 2 trips of this scale in a year).  A lot of our friends are thinking the same thing and many, if not most, will not make the trip.  My position obviously makes it a lot more difficult to say no.

 

I don't really know what to tell my friend.  I have been looking at cheaper places to stay and any way possible to reduce my flight costs, but I am not sure that it looks too good.

 

In addition, the friend will be expecting a decent bachelor party and the early spring date of this wedding kind of nixes any really interesting sports ideas.  He is also a Bills nut.  We both live in NYC.

 

For the record, my wife and I had a hometown outdoor wedding in WNY that was elegant but not ridiculous, and we put up all of the wedding party (including this friend) and their S/O's at some of my parents' nicely done rental properties.  Obviously, I am not expecting full hotel money to be put up for me, but I am still a little peeved about it.

 

I can get into real details in PM mode, I just wanted to air it out and see what people might suggest here.

 

Thanks in advance.

390609[/snapback]

 

 

Dude, if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. And I would tell him this sonner rather than later. Let me tell you, they knew when they chose to get married where everyone would have to travel that a great majority of people would not make the trip.

[Rubes]

Why not tell him? If he's that close of a buddy, he'll understand that it's a financial hardship for you and others, and maybe he'll offer to help out.

 

Personally, I think the whole wedding thing is ridiculous, at least with regards to the wedding party. There are so many expectations placed on these people at the whim of the bride and groom it's ridiculous, particularly when you consider how much money most of those expectations cost.

 

Your friend has decided to have one of the most expensive wedding options for those in the wedding party, which to me is asking more than a person should.

 

If it's that important to them, they should offer to help out with the costs. If not, tell him you're sorry but it's just too expensive.

[MadBuffaloDisease]

Why not tell him? If he's that close of a buddy, he'll understand that it's a financial hardship for you and others, and maybe he'll offer to help out.

 

Personally, I think the whole wedding thing is ridiculous, at least with regards to the wedding party. There are so many expectations placed on these people at the whim of the bride and groom it's ridiculous, particularly when you consider how much money most of those expectations cost.

 

Your friend has decided to have one of the most expensive wedding options for those in the wedding party, which to me is asking more than a person should.

 

If it's that important to them, they should offer to help out with the costs. If not, tell him you're sorry but it's just too expensive.

Ditto.

[Alaska Darin]

I'm sorry but that's pretty damn selfish, even in the age of damn selfishness. I've never understood the rationale behind breaking the bank on a wedding when most marriages end up strugging early on because the couple doesn't have enough money.

 

Tell your buddy to look in his closet for the sense God gave him. It's probably under his "Friendship for Dummies" book, which is obviously collecting dust.

[stuckincincy]

Fellow Bills fans, I would like your advice.

 

I have been asked to be best man for a friend's wedding in a rather exotic (and hence expensive) location...

 

Thanks in advance.

390609[/snapback]

 

Tell him thanks for the honor, effusively, but simply say you can't afford the trip.

 

The outcomes are:

 

1) the groom understands, and hopefully thanks you anyway.

 

2) The groom ponies up the money - unlikely - but if so, let him book the flight and accomodations. Don't fall for promises of reimbursment. Don't.

 

3) He starts to spurt garbage such as "I depended on you...what kind of a friend are you!! etc. Well, then you have gained some education. Wish them well and walk away, slowly shaking your head.

 

Sometimes, folks who are bethrothed think they are truly God's gift to the universe and can't understand why all others don't do all they say, and are not above attempting the use of guilt to get others to lick their feet.

[erynthered]

Fellow Bills fans, I would like your advice.

 

I have been asked to be best man for a friend's wedding in a rather exotic (and hence expensive) location, and I feel obligated to go, but this is going to really break the bank for me and my wife to the tune of 2 grand for a weekend (4-5 days), when we already had been hoping to take another relatively distant vacation (we definitely don't make enough to take 2 trips of this scale in a year).  A lot of our friends are thinking the same thing and many, if not most, will not make the trip.  My position obviously makes it a lot more difficult to say no.

 

I don't really know what to tell my friend.  I have been looking at cheaper places to stay and any way possible to reduce my flight costs, but I am not sure that it looks too good.

 

In addition, the friend will be expecting a decent bachelor party and the early spring date of this wedding kind of nixes any really interesting sports ideas.  He is also a Bills nut.  We both live in NYC.

 

For the record, my wife and I had a hometown outdoor wedding in WNY that was elegant but not ridiculous, and we put up all of the wedding party (including this friend) and their S/O's at some of my parents' nicely done rental properties.  Obviously, I am not expecting full hotel money to be put up for me, but I am still a little peeved about it.

 

I can get into real details in PM mode, I just wanted to air it out and see what people might suggest here.

 

Thanks in advance.

390609[/snapback]

 

 

Tell him. I had the same thing happen to me quite a few years ago. My friend (who was my best man in my wedding ) calls me up at 2 AM one morning and says he's flying to Vegas in the morning to get married, I said thats great, (somewhat peeved he called so late) He said I want you to be the best man. I told him right then I couldnt afford the trip, and that I was sorry I couldnt be there for him. He said " I'm buying" I said "What times the flight"

 

What a blast

[Surfmeister]

This seems simple to me. You both live in NYC. If he had the wedding in NYC this would be a no-brainer. You could be the best man, attend the wedding with your wife, give him a gift and still not put a significant dent in your bank account. Then you could drive home at night after a fun day.

 

The twister is the exotic/expensive location. That is going to set you back thousands of dollars. I have done this before and it hasn’t been worth it. To spend thousands of dollars just to get there is one heck of a wedding gift right there. Then to buy a gift on top of that and maybe throw the bachelor party is just too much. If this guy really wants you as his best man, and really wants to have it in the far away place, he’ll need to pay for your whole trip. It isn’t that you don’t want to do it. It’s just a matter of cash.

 

Here is your solution. Other people are finding this way too expensive too. I suggest you side with them. Meet your friend in person. Tell him he’s a great guy but if he wants to go to the exotic location to save that for the honeymoon. Have the wedding in NYC and then fly to Tahiti knowing his friends still have a few bucks in the bank. If he can’t/won’t do that you’ll have to tell him you can’t make it. I know this has put you in a jam. Jobs and friends come and go. But remember YOUR family is forever and the vacation you planned to take with them has to happen.

 

That’s my 2 cents.

[aussiew]

My son did that too. Got married at Sandles in Jamaica because the "wedding" would be free!!! Of course it's free in an all inclusive resort. And they were planning on taking their honeymoon there anyway. What a load of crap. We tried for months to talk them out of it but they wouldn't budge.

 

Everyone who went had to pay around $2k each for air and hotel. I had to pay for myself and two of my kids to go because they didn't have any money and didn't want to miss their brother's wedding. My married daughter couldn't go because her husband didn't want to spend the money. It was hearbreaking. So us being there was their wedding gift. I threw $5,500 on my Visa card to spend five days in Jamaica with my grown children (how romantic )

 

Just tell your friend that you really can't afford it and give them a nice wedding gift when you go over to see the video after they return. If you need to choose, a vacation with your wife would be a much better investment long term.

[Reuben Gant]

Say...

 

Dear Buddy,

I am honored that you chose me to be your best man, but the costs are proving to be a hardship that I can't afford. I think you should choose somebody else as your best man that can afford to go.

 

 

 

When he seems really bummed, offer to throw him a bachelor party send-off.

[Kent14]

My wedding is in three weeks in the thousand islands. Since most of the people that are invited are from WNY it's a decent trip. To add to that most of the hotels up there are requiring a minimum 2 night stay since it is pirates weekend. I understand that most of the people I invite can't afford to make a trip like this and I don't expect them to. The following week we are having a reception/cookout back in WNY for those that couldn't make it up there and those we couldn't invite due to number restrictions. Guys I asked to be in my wedding party are missing one but coming to the other. It's something I understood could happen when we decided to have a destination wedding.

 

Your buddy should understand that as much as you want to be there for him you can't afford that. Throw him a good bachelor party and wish him luck.

[richNjoisy]

Add me to the list to say "Thanks for the honor but I simply can't afford it."

 

Any rational and true friend will understand

[/dev/null]

what would i do?

 

try to bang as many bridesmaids as i could before the wedding

then after the wedding i'd try to pick up one of the emotional guests at the reception

 

[PhilsBills]

I had a buddy invite me to his batchelor party in costa rica. As a surfer (and his friend), I would have loved to go, but I would have wanted to surf in lieu of the more "traditional" batchelor party things they had planned (and I couldn't afford it anyway). Needless to say, I didn't make it nor did most of the people he invited. I think when people plan a wedding or pre-wedding party in an exotic place like that they realize most people won't be able to swing it and maybe they are just trying to flaunt their elevated financial status......

[IDBillzFan]

I'm sorry but that's pretty damn selfish, even in the age of damn selfishness.  I've never understood the rationale behind breaking the bank on a wedding when most marriages end up strugging early on because the couple doesn't have enough money.

 

Tell your buddy to look in his closet for the sense God gave him.  It's probably under his "Friendship for Dummies" book, which is obviously collecting dust.

390629[/snapback]

This is really nuts-on accurate. Plus, your friend really !@#$ed up with a social faux paus; never, ever get married in an exotic, expensive location unless you plan to pick up the entire travel tab for your entire wedding party and their dates.

 

Your friend is acting in very selfish, bad taste and I would quickly let him know you simply would love to do it but can not afford. A friend doesn't ask you to do something like this.

 

Tell him right away. And remember, if you can't afford to be his best man, you can't afford to go to the wedding. Don't worry, he'll find someone stupid enough to accept.

[eSJayDee]

Well, my opinion is that given that he's inviting you to the event, particularly to be in it, I'd expect him to offer to pay your way, including your date/wife. I feel that having such an extravant and costly event (due primarily to the location), it would be the reasonable thing to do for the wedding party. Asking someone to pony up >$1k to be in a wedding is too much.

The fact that he didn't offer, or at least didn't make it clear who would be paying, I don't think it's unreasonable to decline, citing your reasoning.

I'm by no means Miss Manners, but I guess the difficult thing about manners is behaving well when others don't & put you in an akward position.

[drnykterstein]

Yeah, definately you should do what the best man does, and say what the best man should say... tell him he's an idiot and to move the wedding location to somewhere sane.

 

Don't go if they won't move it.

[LabattBlue]

This is clearly a case of "IT'S ALL ABOUT US!!!!!". No thought is being given to the hardship this may place on the guests/bridal party. The bride and groom to-be, are simply trying to out do everyone else by having their wedding in an exotic locale. I'm sure they will lay the guilt on big time when you or anyone else tells them they cannot afford the trip.

[Dwight Drane]

I'm sure it's the wife that picked the location and he's just going along with it.

 

It's expensive enough to stand up for a normal wedding let alone a fancy schmansy one 4K miles away. I got nailed to stand up for 2 weddings one summer and it nearly busted me. From now on, no more weddings unless it's close family. The women watch all this Home and Gardens Channel crap, and feel they need to spend $30K to feel worthwhile.

 

Tell him sorry, but offer to do up the Bachelor party since you can get 4-6 guys in a nice room in Buffalo for $100 or so. Add Bills tix, tailgate, Sundowner and plane tickets, and you will still get off for what it would cost for one night hotel in Fantasy Island.

[lawnboy1977]

Fellow Bills fans, I would like your advice.

 

I have been asked to be best man for a friend's wedding in a rather exotic (and hence expensive) location, and I feel obligated to go, but this is going to really break the bank for me and my wife to the tune of 2 grand for a weekend (4-5 days), when we already had been hoping to take another relatively distant vacation (we definitely don't make enough to take 2 trips of this scale in a year).  A lot of our friends are thinking the same thing and many, if not most, will not make the trip.  My position obviously makes it a lot more difficult to say no.

 

I don't really know what to tell my friend.  I have been looking at cheaper places to stay and any way possible to reduce my flight costs, but I am not sure that it looks too good.

 

In addition, the friend will be expecting a decent bachelor party and the early spring date of this wedding kind of nixes any really interesting sports ideas.  He is also a Bills nut.  We both live in NYC.

 

For the record, my wife and I had a hometown outdoor wedding in WNY that was elegant but not ridiculous, and we put up all of the wedding party (including this friend) and their S/O's at some of my parents' nicely done rental properties.  Obviously, I am not expecting full hotel money to be put up for me, but I am still a little peeved about it.

 

I can get into real details in PM mode, I just wanted to air it out and see what people might suggest here.

 

Thanks in advance.

390609[/snapback]

 

While this may seem like a hard decision to make, its really not. Your friend should understand that the cost of going to a destination is unreasonable and is too much of a burden for you and the rest of his friends. I have never had anyone pull something like that. He should know that such an act is alienating his friends.

[Ghost of BiB]

Tell him. I had the same thing happen to me quite a few years ago. My friend (who was my best man in my wedding ) calls me up at 2 AM one morning and says he's flying to Vegas in the morning to get married, I said thats great, (somewhat peeved he called so late) He said I want you to be the best man. I told him right then I couldnt afford the trip, and that I was sorry I couldnt be there for him. He said " I'm buying" I said "What times the flight"

 

What a blast

390635[/snapback]

 

Was his name Arnie?

[Reuben Gant]

You should consider printing these out and having him decide which idea is the most workable.

[UConn James]

I was married in an expensive and exotic location as well. My wife and I understood the expense factor and chose not to invite anybody. We had the entire ceremony professionally taped and had a reception when we got back to the States. Showed the tape there and everybody had a blast.  I fuggin hate people who pull junk like your buddy did.

390620[/snapback]

 

That was a really great idea. The wedding, after all, is about two people. The rest are just there to witness. Maybe RTDB could suggest this to his buddy when he mentions that --- surprise, surprise --- a lot of people are turning him down.

 

I'm sorry but that's pretty damn selfish, even in the age of damn selfishness.  I've never understood the rationale behind breaking the bank on a wedding when most marriages end up strugging early on because the couple doesn't have enough money.

 

Tell your buddy to look in his closet for the sense God gave him.  It's probably under his "Friendship for Dummies" book, which is obviously collecting dust.

390629[/snapback]

 

Financial troubles are BY FAR the No. 1 reason for divorce in this country (No. 2 is differences in how to do collective household maintenence tasks). Starting out $30K in debt is simply stupid. Get a padre in a field, and have a pot-luck afterward. What is so hard about this? Folks, if wifey has to have a dreambook wedding, do yourself a favor and reconsider the marriage, b/c you're marrying an idiot.

[boomerjamhead]

You gotta go man. I just did the same thing in April for my cousin, but I would do it again for any number of my friends who wanted me to be thier best man.

[AJ1]

Find a new buddy.

[Ghost of BiB]

I keep thinking this guy is in for quite a ride, with the new wifey making these kinds of wedding plans. I'd go on his dime. No, if it were mine. If they can have this "exotic" wedding just to make her ego happy, somebody in the food chain has the bucks.

[HurlyBurly51]

I'm just curious for those that have experienced this, what are the long term ramifications? If most people they invite do not attend, does that introduce a rift and chill the relationship, never to be the same? Do they have to get a new set of friends, or do they get over it?

 

If they're this selfish, do they even understand the burden they're placing on people? I mean when you want to celebrate with friends but no one shows, that's gotta open their eyes, no? I just don't understand why people place this type of burden on their friends, then get upset when people don't comply.

[OGTEleven]

I'm sure it's the wife that picked the location and he's just going along with it.

 

390694[/snapback]

 

 

Ding ding ding!!!!!

 

We have a winner.

 

Tell him to dump her three days before the wedding for making such a ridiculous demand, then you and your buddy use the tickets and party it up.

 

Seriously, if you can't go, you can't go. Do the bach party and a party after maybe.

[gmac17]

I'm going to go against the grain a little bit here.

 

First let me say it is completely a dick move to have the wedding that far away and they must know a lot of people won't be able to make it. If you have no money to go, you have no money to go - there is nothing you can do and you should tell him that.....

 

HOWEVER, you mentioned you and your wife are hoping to go on vacation somewhere else. Let me tell you right now that if you turn your buddy down, and then in 4 months you and your wife go on vacation somewhere halfway exotic, be ready for some friction.

 

right, wrong or indifferent he will be saying to himself "my best friend in the entire world wouldn't come to my wedding, but he went to aruba 4 months later..."

 

it's not fair, but if you can swing it financially I'd say go, (and never let him forget how expensive it was...)

[Kelly the Dog]

Sorry, when I saw this thread I thought Buddy the Wonderdog finally found some B word to marry him.

 

My advice on the unrelated matter, however, is just think for a second, would you expect him to be there for you. if you would, go. If you wouldn't don't. Buy him a nice wedding gift and throw them a great party when they get back.

[KD in CA]

Good point.  However, I'd feel a lot better about flying home and paying for his and my Bills and JetBlue tix if I wasn't already throwing down a ton for the wedding.

 

Plus that would mean at least $200 a person for the bachelor party.  Honest question, is that a reasonable expectation?  (No sarcasm intended.)

390619[/snapback]

 

 

$200 a head for a bachelor party?!?!? What on earth are you planning??? A first class wedding doesn't cost anywhere near that much. Every bachelor party I've ever been too cost no more than $10-$15 per head in cheap food and beer, or else each guy paid his own way if it was something extravagant (a game, trip to Vegas, lap dances at Scores, etc.). There is absolutely no reason why you wouldn't tell all the invitees that they are expected to pay their way plus a share of the groom. Any guy who wouldn't do that isn't someone you shouldn't want to spend an evening with anyway.

 

As for the wedding, you need to be up front with your buddy. Tell him you are honored to be asked, but you simply can't afford the trip so you'll have to decline. Send him a nice present.

 

As for the long term impact, if you friend can't handle it, fug him. After people get married, have kids, change jobs, etc, you'd be surprised how many old friends can fade out of your life.

[stuckincincy]

Sorry, when I saw this thread I thought Buddy the Wonderdog finally found some B word to marry him.

 

My advice on the unrelated matter, however, is just think for a second, would you expect him to be there for you. if you would, go. If you wouldn't don't. Buy him a nice wedding gift and throw them a great party when they get back.

390948[/snapback]

 

Why? Only a hopelessly self-centered jerk would ask such in the first place. If you want to spend the cash, save it for the wife's divorce soiree. Unless she's a dipsh*t, too.

[Coach Tuesday]

I concur with those who are suggesting you politely and honestly decline. Now how about some suggestions about what to do moving forward, instead of more posts about what an ass your buddy is?

 

Here's one suggestion: offer to coordinate (but not float) a party in NYC for those who can't go to the wedding (and those who can, for that matter). Pool the costs amongst the core of your crew (or perhaps get his/her family to pay). Maybe buy the first $300-$500 in drinks. You'd be surprised how cheap it is to rent out a bar in NYC - lots of places are happy to have a night of guaranteed cash.

[mead107]

sounds like he is not your best friend if you do not want to bend over back wards for him . JUST DO it and stop the complaining

[boomerjamhead]

You know what... I'm reading a bunch of this garbage in this thread and I am happy to not have a lot of you for my friends. Really. This dude obviously thinks enough of RTDB to ask him to be his best man. Enough said. If I'm RTDB, I reply with, "I'm there, wow, thanks" and that's the end of conversation.

 

I have two brothers and they will no doubt be my best men someday. If I didn't have any brothers and had to rely upon my best friend to fill in, I would fully expect him to do as much, because if the roles were reversed, he knows that I would be there for him.

 

Take the vacation with the wife the following year.

[Coach Tuesday]

Take the vacation with the wife the following year.

 

Or, turn that into the vacay with the wife - stay longer than the weekend.