stevestojan Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Evans is starting - good Our Oline? still bad Bledsoe - no comment We got it. now just waiting time. While we wait, anyone got any good jokes? Tasteless are always welcome, and if its too, too bad, PM me. If not, post it here.. Most of the hundreds that I know are off color, so I will leave you with this one.. --------------- A Third grade teacher is teaching vobulary, and starts with the word 'definitely'. She asks some kids to use it in a sentence. Little Johnny shoots his hand in the air right away. Wanting to hear from others first, the teacher calls on Susie. Susie says, "The sky is definitely blue" "Very good", the teacher says and again ignores little Johnny, who is jumping up and down raising his hand. She instead calls on Billy. "The Sun is definitely hot", says Billy, and gets praised by the teacher. Now little Johnny is going crazy, hopping up and down, his arm raised high in the air. The teacher says, "Ok Johnny, it's your turn. Use the word 'definitely' in a sentence". Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" "That is not appropriate for school Johnny!", she sais. Little Johnny just repeats, "Please teacher, do farts have lumps in them!!?" The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny," To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s#it my pants..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Surfmeister Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 A baby harp seal walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What will you have, baby harp seal?" and the baby harp seal says, "Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks." A ham sandwich walks into a bar, orders a drink and the bartender says, "No, we don't serve food here." A termite walks into a bar and says to the manager "Is the bar tender here ?" A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, go outside, the drinks are on the house. Two giraffes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" and they reply, "Give us two tall ones." A gay guy walks into the bar. the bartender asks, "what'll you have?" and the gay guy says..."Please, could you push in my stool?" A skeleton walks into a bar and says “Bartender, I’d like a beer and a mop.” A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse replies, "Genetics." A blind man walks into a bar with his guide-dog on a leash. As he gets up to the bar, he picks up the dog by the leash, and swings him around a few times overhead. As he puts down his (now woozy) dog, the bartender asks "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" The blind man replies, "Taking a look around..." A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After sitting for a few minutes, he hears a voice say, "nice tie." He looks around but doesn't see anybody near him and so he forgets about it. Some time passes and he hears the same voice say, "nice shirt." This time he looks everywhere; behind him, up and down the bar, under the chair, behind the bar, everywhere he can think to look, but he doesn't see anyone. A few minutes later he hears, "nice haircut." He can't stand it any more, so he calls the bartender over and tells him he has been hearing this voice but can't figure out who is speaking. The bartender says, "Oh that...that's the nuts....................they're complimentary." A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. Bartender says: "What can I do for you"? Duck says: "You can get this guy off my ass". A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a roll of chap stick. The clerk says "Will that be cash or charge?", and the duck says, "put it on my bill." A snail walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says they don’t serve snails and throws him out. Two weeks later the snail comes back into the bar and says “Hey, why’d you do that?” Man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. He sips the first one and pours the second on his hand. The bartender seeing this, gets curious and asks him "Hey buddy, why did your pour that drink all over your hand?" The man replies. "Just trying to get my date drunk." A green snake and a pink elephant walk into a bar one day. The Bartender says 'You're both early, he's not here yet.' A dog walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, it's my birthday! Do I get a free drink?" Bartender says, "Sure! The toilets down the hall." A guy walks in to a bar and orders a Martinus. The bartender says "You mean, Martini" The guys says, "If I want two, I'll ask for it.!" So a penguin is driving his rv on vacation and he sees some fluid under it not wanting to ruin his transmission he takes it to the nearest shop and asks "can you look at my transmission to see if it is ok" the mechanic answer "sure, but it will be a few hours" Penguin in a strange town nothing to do starts to wander around, he sees a grocery and decides to get something to eat buys a box of Ice Cream sandwiches and sets down to eat them after a sandwich or too he falls asleep, a few hour later he wakes up to find the ice cream has melted all over his belly and the transmission shop is closing in 10 minute The penguin rushes over to the shop "Is my transmission OK" he asks the mechanic The mechanic replies " looks like you just blew a seal” The penguin looks at the mess on his belly and reply ITS ICECREAM < JUST ICECREAM A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What’s this? Some kind of a joke?" So this guy walks into Zilinskis bar over in Cheektowaga goes up to the bartender , Stan Zilinski and asks quite loudly HEY BUDDY YA WANNA HEAR A POLACK JOKE Stan , a huge man gets a confused look on his face and asks the guy "do you know your in a polish bar, in a polish neighborhood, and I am polish? and as a matter of fact that guy playing pool is my brother and he is polish and that guy playing pinball is my other brother , So do9 you still want to tell this "Polack" joke The stranger stops for a minute and responds "I guess not, I don't want to have to repeat it three times!" A widow walks into a bar in Miami and sits next to a guy. She says, "You're new here. Where are you from ?" He says, "I just got out of Okkeefenokkee Correctional Facility for murdering my wife with a hack saw and stuffing her into a suitcase." She says, "Oh, so you're single." A Rhino walks into a bar.``A cocktail bartender``. The bartender replies`` Drinks are free``. Rhino:Why? Bartender: We don’t charge Rhinos`` . A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf." Four young nuns walk into confession together. The priest says "o.k. girls, what happened now?" The first girl steps up and says "well, we were walking through the park, and this guy wearing a trench coat jumps out from behind a tree, opens his coat, and he is totally naked". The priest says "o.k., what happened then?" "Well, I've never seen a naked man, so I looked at him, I mean, I LOOKED at that man". "Oh, dear God" says the priest. "Say three hail Mary's, and wash your eyes in that bowl of Holy Water" The second girl steps up. "O.k., what happened?" "Well, I've never touched a man before, so I touched him, I mean, I TOUCHED that man" "Oh this is horrible" says the priest. "Say ten Hail Mary's and wash your hands in that bowl of Holy Water" All of the sudden, the fourth girl jumps in front of the third one and says "hey, I want to gargle before sister Suzy washes her butt!" An Irish guy starts going into a New York bar and orders 4 shots all at the same time. He drinks all 4 then leaves. This goes on for several weeks and finally the bartender says, "Say buddy, what's with ordering 4 drinks all at the same time?" The Irishman says, "Well, when I left home I promised my 3 three brothers that I'd have drink for each of them every day." Several months goes by and one day the Irishman comes in and orders 3 drinks instead of his usual 4. The bartender says, "My deepest condolences, friend, I assume one of your brothers has passed on." The Irishman looks up and says, "Thank you, but no, I've not lost a brother. It's just that the doctor has insisted that I quit drinking........" A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Can I have a.......................................................................pint of lager?" "Yeah sure", the barman says, "But why the big pause?" (paws) Then there's the one about the man and his dwarf stallion who goes into the bar. The man orders a beer and the dwarf stallion whispers something to the barman. "Did he order something?" the barman asked. "Yep," said the man. "Listen closely." Again the dwarf stallion whispers something. "I can't hear what he's saying." says the barman. "Yeah, I know." says the man. "He's a little horse." A Koala walks into a bar. A hooker comes up to the Koala and says, "hey hairy, want a date?" The Koala says sure, and they sit in a booth in the corner. The hooker and the Koala start to get-it-on and end up with the Koala performing oral sex on the hooker. Afterwards the hooker tries to get her money, but the Koala refuses. "Hey," says the hooker, "don't you know the definition of a hooker?" And the Koala says, "No, sorry, I don't." And the hooker says, "it's someone who has sex for money." And the Koala says, "Well I guess you don't know the definition of a Koala." "What's that?" asks the hooker. "An animal that eats bushes and leaves." A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge" A giraffe, a doe and a skunk were having cocktails in a bar. The waiter brought them their bill. The skunk said, "Gee, I'm afraid I only have one scent." The doe then stated, "uh . . I had a buck on me an hour ago, but not now." Then the giraffe said, "Well it looks like the highballs are on me." A dyslexic walks into a bra... So this empty beer bottle walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, weren't you drunk in here last night?" So this cow walks into a bar, and says, "Hay, Bartender!" A ghost walks into a bar, "Sorry," says the bartender ,"we don't serve spirits here." A man walks into a bar only to see a sign "Free Beer -- Certain Restrictions Apply". The guy says to the barkeep, "What kind of restrictions apply?" Barkeep: Well, you've got to do three things, then the rest of the evening's beer's on the house. Guy: Sounds good to me, what do I have to do? BK: Well, first you have to drink a whole bottle of pepper tequila in one chug. Then, there's an alligator out back with a terrible toothache and you have to pull out the tooth with your bare hand. Finally, there's a woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm, and you have to make her happy. Guy: You're f*cking nuts. I'll buy my drinks, thank you. Well, time passes, and the guy's had a few too many and says... Guy: Awright, ware's dat tikeela? BK: You're gonna do it? Guy: Damn right, I'm gonna do it. The barkeep hands the guy a fifth, and the guy just slams it down. He stumbles out back to the alligator. There's terrible noises thumping, screams and growns, and finally, the guy staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and bloody and terrible gashes across his face and torso, and sez: Awright, where's the broad with the toothache? A man walks into a bar carrying jumper cables. The bartender says, "HEY, don't you try to start anything in here." A man walks into a bar, sits down and drinks a beer. Then he drinks another beer, and another and... soon he needs to take a leak. He's standing at the urinal in the men's room, when he looks over and notices three black men standing at the other urinals. He notices that the one in the middle has a white rooster. He zips up and, still a bit confused, goes back to the bar. He orders another brewsky and mentions to the bartender, "I was in the men's room and noticed three black men in there. I swear the one in the middle had a white rooster! The bartender says, pointing, "You mean those three guys at that table over there?" "Yes", the man says, "They're the ones." "Well," replies the bartender, "Those guys aren't black. They're coalminers. The one in the middle must have gone home for lunch." Vlad the Impaler’s favorite joke was, > > This bar goes into this guy........ A guy walks in a bar and sees a woman and two men at her table. He shoots men and asks: "Why is the lady alone?" Two nuns in the bath and one says to the other "Where's the soap ?" to which the other replies "Yes, it does, doesn't it ?" Q: Why did the architect have his house made backwards ? A: So he could watch TV at the same time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
millbank Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 You're a girl... A girl and a boy were both in the fourth grade. The boy came by the girl's house with a baseball and teased the girl, saying, "Ha Ha! You can't have a baseball 'cause you're a girl." The girl went to her mom crying, so her mom bought her a baseball. The boy got pissed off when he saw her with her own baseball. The next day he came by with a boy's bike and teased her, saying, "Ha Ha! You can't have a boy's bike 'cause you're a girl!" The girl went crying to her mom and she got a boy's bike. The boy got very pissed off again when she showed him her new bike. The next day the boy came by, pulled down his pants, and said, "I have one of these and you can't go crying to your mom to get one!" She went crying to her mom and then came out, pulled up her dress and said, "My mom said as long as I have one of these I can get as many of those that I want!" sross@edit.nydailynews.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Movinon Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Buckwheat and Darla are sitting in class. The teacher asks “who can spell dumb.” Darla raises her hand and says “d u m b." The teacher says “very good, now use it in a sentence.” Darla says “Buckwheat is dumb.” The teacher asks “who can spell stupid.”Darla raises her hand and says“s t u p i d.” The teacher says “very good, now use it in a sentence.” Darla says “Buckwheat is stupid.” The teacher asks “who can spell dictate.” This time Buckwheat raises his hand and says “d i c t a t e.” The teacher says “very good, now use it in a sentence.” Buckwheat says “I may be dumb and I may be stupid but Darla says my dictate good.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gary M Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Subject: Cussing A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "you know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for break fast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Movinon Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 These two little boys are sitting in the living room watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "gets" the message and they both get up and head towards the stairs. The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back, okay?" The two boys nod okay and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know what is going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his Mom and Dad's bedroom and shakes his head. Back downstairs he goes back to his little brother. "Come with me", he says. And the two little boys tiptoe back up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his younger brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind that THIS is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Two nuns in the bath and one says to the other "Where's the soap ?"to which the other replies "Yes, it does, doesn't it ?" 52197[/snapback] Ok dammit, I've read that damn thing 4 times and I still don't get it. WTF is the friggin joke? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frez Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Ok dammit, I've read that damn thing 4 times and I still don't get it. WTF is the friggin joke? 52351[/snapback] Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaahahahahaaa that's some funny stevestojan right there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevestojan Posted October 1, 2004 Author Share Posted October 1, 2004 Ok dammit, I've read that damn thing 4 times and I still don't get it. WTF is the friggin joke? 52351[/snapback] Thank GOD you said it first... i dont get it either ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaahahahahaaa that's some funny stevestojan right there 52353[/snapback] BASTARD! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. Rich Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Vlad the Impaler’s favorite joke was, > > This bar goes into this guy........ 52197[/snapback] Hahahahahaha!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Poojer Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 VOBULARY???????????????????? A Third grade teacher is teaching vobulary, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
/dev/null Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Paris Hilton walks into a dry cleaners. Behind the counter is an elderly chap who has forgotten his hearing aid today. Paris: I'll be back to pick this up on Thursday The elderly dry cleaner leans closer to hear better. "Huh missy? Come again?" Paris: No, this time its mayonaise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_BiB_ Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn? "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fu-ck off the car! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC Tom Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 A man walks into a bar, sits down, orders a beer...notices a gorilla sitting in the corner. "Hey, bartender. What's that gorilla doing in the corner of the bar?" "Let me show you", he says. He pulls a 2x4 out from under the bar and whacks the gorilla upside the head. The gorilla jumps up, pulls down the bartender's pants, gives him oral sex, and runs back into the corner. "That's amazing." says the man. "All you do is hit him over the head, and you get a blow job!" "Yep. You want to try it?" asks the bartender. Man replies: "Well....okay. But don't hit me too hard with the 2x4..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gantrules Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 A green snake and a pink elephant walk into a bar one day. The Bartender says 'You're both early, he's not here yet.' ----------- I don't get this one.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevbeau Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Sorry, couldn't resist the obligitory French joke. A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Poojer Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 that is one of the funnierst jokes i have seen in a very long time. thanks for that one! Buckwheat and Darla are sitting in class. The teacher asks “who can spell dumb.” Darla raises her hand and says “d u m b." The teacher says “very good, now use it in a sentence.” Darla says “Buckwheat is dumb.” The teacher asks “who can spell stupid.”Darla raises her hand and says“s t u p i d.” The teacher says “very good, now use it in a sentence.” Darla says “Buckwheat is stupid.” The teacher asks “who can spell dictate.” This time Buckwheat raises his hand and says “d i c t a t e.” The teacher says “very good, now use it in a sentence.” Buckwheat says “I may be dumb and I may be stupid but Darla says my dictate good.” 52271[/snapback] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevbeau Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 One day a mother was cleaning her son's room, and in the closet she found a S & M magazine. Unsure of how to confront her son, she hid the magazine until his father got home. She showed her husband what she had found while she was cleaning. He looked at the S & M magazine and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?" He looked back at her hesitantly and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevbeau Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Old joke...but still good Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda, no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC Tom Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 A green snake and a pink elephant walk into a bar one day. The Bartendersays 'You're both early, he's not here yet.' ----------- I don't get this one.... 52436[/snapback] They arrived before the drunk who usually sees them got there... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChevyVanMiller Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with the birth control pill? A: A trip without the kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paco Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 This joke belongs to another waller, but I'll bet he won't mind me lifting it. G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave. Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse!" The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buffaloboyinATL Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Did you hear about the Dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He lies awake at night wondering if there is a Dog? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gantrules Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Thanks DC.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gantrules Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 What's Brown and sticky? A stick. Courtesy of the Don & Mike show. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
/dev/null Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 This joke belongs to another waller, but I'll bet he won't mind me lifting it. G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave. Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse!" The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." 52504[/snapback] i read that one on my eq guild's message board. they also had the following: Dan Rather of CBS news was seated next to little Tommy on the plane when Rather turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers." Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly and said to Rather, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know" said Rather. "How about politics? Should we keep Bush as president or elect Kerry?" "OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first: a horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out flat patties, and a horse excretes clumps of dried grass. Why do you think that is?" "Jeez!" said Rather. "I have no idea." "Well then," said Little Tommy. "How is it you feel qualified to discuss who should run this country, when you don't know sh*t?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Engineer1 Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducked Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan Gross Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Wellk, judging from this thread, I guess the answer to the original question is "no." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guffalo Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining >and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. >"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?" >"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied >The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the >truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money." >The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" >His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. >After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy, what happens to the babies >those ladies have?" >"They become cab drivers!" She replied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RkFast Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Ive got a good one: "Trade Henry, Moulds and Spikes!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Surfmeister Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Ok dammit, I've read that damn thing 4 times and I still don't get it. WTF is the friggin joke? 52351[/snapback] Change "Where's" to "Wears" and see if you GET IT ~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Change "Where's" to "Wears" and see if you GET IT ~ 52679[/snapback] Tanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greybeard Posted October 2, 2004 Share Posted October 2, 2004 Did you hear about the Dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He lies awake at night wondering if there is a Dog? 52515[/snapback] There are a lot of good jokes here but this one is making me cry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Hansen Forever Posted October 2, 2004 Share Posted October 2, 2004 An old women enters a Baskin Robbins and orders a bowl of Chocolate Ice Cream. The attendant apologizes, and says that they are out of chocolate today, but have 30 other flavors to chose from. The old lady thinks for a second, then orders a large chocolate cone. The attendant, scratches his head, and once again tells her they are out of chocolate ice cream, but have 30 other flavors to chose from. They have banana ripple, peanut butter - chocolate delux, but no chocolate. The old lady thinks again, then orders a medium chocolate shake. The attendant is totally perplexed, and thinks for moment before replying. Excuse me maam, we are out of chocolate ice cream, and there apparently is a communication problem here. I have an idea, can you spell "van" as in vanilla? The old lady replies, of course. V A N! The attendant thanks the lady, and asks her another question: Can you spell "straw" as in strawberry? The lady nods her head, and replies S T R A W! The attendant smiles, and tells her that he has only one question left. Maam, can you spell "!@#$" as in Chocolate? The woman looks at him strangely, and replies....there is no !@#$ in chocolate. The attendant replies "EXACTLY" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Hansen Forever Posted October 2, 2004 Share Posted October 2, 2004 A man is walking by a bar, and hears wonderful piano music coming from within. The man stops and listens for a bit and is amazed with the skill and quality of the music. So curiousity overtakes him, and he looks inside, but doesn't see a piano anywhere. Walking up to the bartender, he asks him about the lovely music. The bartender graps his towel, and snaps it across his shoulder and tells the man to follow him. He leads the man to the back of the bar, and toward a wall with a small door built in it. The bartender opens the door, and has the man gaze within. The man looks inside, and sees a very tiny man, playing a very tiny piano. He is totally amazed, and asks where he found him. The bartender smiles, and tells the man he was wondering around the beach one day, and found an old lantern half buried there. He took the lantern home, and began to polish it up. All of a sudden, POOF! A genie appears. The genie says "I am the genie of the lantern, vhat ever you vish I vill grant you, but only one vish". The bartender thinks for a moment, and poof...the genie granted him the wish. The man is stunned, and amazed at the both the story and the music. The bartender thinks for a bit, then tells the man he keeps the old lantern behind the bar for good luck. He goes over and fetches it to show the man. The man looks it over and is very impressed, and hands it back to the bartender. The bartender tells the man to keep it, since he has already gotten his one wish, there really is no reason to keep it any more. The man politely refuses, telling him he can't take his magic lantern, but the bartender insists. The bartender gives him the lantern, and his towel, and the man starts to polish up the lantern. Once more the genie appears and replies "I am the genie of the lantern, vhat ever you vish, I vill give you, but only one VISH! The man thinks for a moment, and says "I want a million bucks" Poof, the room is full of ducks DUCKS, DUCKS? I ask for a million bucks, and I get a room full of DUCKS? And the bartender says "You actually think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayzer32 Posted October 2, 2004 Share Posted October 2, 2004 You want to hear a joke....here's one.........Tom Brady not gay!!!!! Ok, heres some. What is the first thing a woman does after being released from The Shelter For Battered Women............................the dishes if she's smart. Why do Brides wear white..............so your dishwasher matches the stove and refrigerator. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes...........nothing, she's already been told twice. Honeslty, I believe in equal rights. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigDaddy12 Posted October 2, 2004 Share Posted October 2, 2004 To compliment Rayzer's good taste, this is the funniest thing I have heard in a while. Q: What's black and blue, and hates sex? A: The 12 year old boy I have locked in my trunk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LewPort71 Posted October 2, 2004 Share Posted October 2, 2004 A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender serves it up and the neutron asks, "How much is that?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." A hydrogen atom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "What's wrong pal? You look pretty down." The atom says, "I lost an electron." The bartender asks, "Are you sure?" The atom answers, "I'm positive." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
/dev/null Posted October 2, 2004 Share Posted October 2, 2004 Ive got a good one: "Trade Henry, Moulds and Spikes!" 52678[/snapback] here's another one: mcnally will turn mike williams into a pro bowler Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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