KD in CA Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Very sorry to hear that crushing news westy, you have my deepest condolences. My only advice is to please not go through this alone. There are all kinds of support groups comprised of people facing these kinds of situations. The road will be long and difficult but having others who understand to lean on and share with can help immensely. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Westie...thoughts and prayers are heading your way. Know that you have friends here for you. Our regret is that we can't be by your side at this difficult time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nervous Guy Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 West, so sorry to hear. It can be so hard at the end, so hard to tell your loved loved one it's okay to give up the fight, they have fought the good fight and it's time for them to get peace now That you will miss and love them forever, but it is okay for them to leave, we will be together again soon. This a powerful experience that I too have experienced with my Mom back in '95...she under hospice care at home, really wonderful people caring for her. The day after I arrived, the nurse suggested I have this talk with my Mom, she had been really struggling and was heavily medicated. So I told her that I loved her, she was the greatest Mom and that is was okay for her to "leave" now...I don't think a minute elapsed when she was gone...(still brings tears to my eyes)...it was a final gift for her, the permission to give up, something I will never forget, I know my Mom appreciated it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BuffaloBud Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Westie - My thoughts and prayers are to your wife, you, and your family. The void will never be filled, but as others have said before you have a network here and at home that you can reach out to. Use it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canadian Bills Fan Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Westie, I wish I could say something that could help alleviate the excrushiating pain and sarrow that you are feeling. I am very saddened to hear about the latest news of your wife that it brought me to tears. I can not imagine what you are going through and hope I never have to. Your wife and family are in my continued prayers. Please PM me if there is anything you need or even if you just want someone to talk to. Sometimes that can help. Remember this, Miracles do happen. Don't lose faith. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillsFanM.D. Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Prayers for you both! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cugalabanza Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 (edited) So sorry to hear this. Westside, thank you for the excellent advice about loving those close to us while we can. It's always good to be reminded of this. I wish the best for you. It won't always be as hard as it is right now. Edited February 6, 2014 by Cugalabanza Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeF Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 I am so so sorry to hear this. My thoughts and prayers. Westie--I have a close friend who lost a spouse to cancer about 4 years ago. It was quick -- a 4 month period. They were soulmates, high school sweethearts, just getting ready to retire in a couple of years. He felt the same way you do-- how does he go home? How did he carry on? A couple of things helped. He didn't avoid grieving -- he talked about how much he missed her all the time-- and his friends were willing to listen. We gave him space to be alone at times but also -- at least 3 or 4 nights a week, made sure one of us was with him. There was a large, large group willing to do this. We would go for coffee and chat for a couple of hours or go to HS or college sporting events or dinner. He would talk a lot and we would just listen. He says now that during that first year these things helped, but there is no magic formula. The grief never really goes away he tells me -- but he was always a community volunteer -- and he immersed himself in some activities and got involved in a new business venture. Two years post -- he started to date again and at this report is in love again. I know its hard today to think this far out -- but you still have a lot to contribute in your life and your strength through this honors your wife as much if not more than your grief. All of us are willing to help. Let us know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gordio Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Thank you all for your kind words. A tumor in her lung is pressing against her vocal chord I was told by the dr. She has lost the ability to speak. What I wouldn't do just to hear her sweet voice one more time. There is a malignet (sp?) mass in her bowels that is causing the blockage. It is inoperable. They said they wouldn't do surgery because her insides is loaded with cancer. They also said, if they could not somehow open the blockage, she could possibly have two weeks. Even if by some miracle they did open it up, she would have maybr two months. I knew deep in my heart that when I called 911 for an ambulance, that she was never coming home again. This question is for someone who has lost a spouse, how do you go on after there gone? I come home to take care of my pets and the house feels so empty. Will the pain ever go away? I watch her laying there, struggeling to breath, watching her waste away.Then I think of all the promises to her these past sixteen months telling her she was going to be ok. I knew they where lies. I never thought it would be so quick. I always thought we would have more time. Please, if you are still reading this. Don't put off that trip, vacation or whatever you and your loved one have been planning to go someday. Because sometimes tomorrow never comes and instead of happy memories, you have a big bag of regrets. Don't make my mistake. Tell your special loved one that you love them. Thank you for letting me vent. Reading this in my office I got a little tear in my eye and had to shut the door. May god bless you & your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gugny Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 So incredibly sorry, Westie. Know that you've got sincere support here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt. Dan's Revenge Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 I can't imagine what you are going through, WS. I hope you and your family are able to pull together and stay strong through this. Cancer is an awful, awful thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AiO Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 I am so very sorry to hear this, my heart goes out to you and you will be in my prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuckinny Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Newbie here, but still a touching thread. So Sorry to hear. My wife lost her mom to lung cancer 2 years ago, she lasted about 9 months before pneumonia got to her. It is a tough struggle and after two years I don't think it has hit my wife yet. I just had a gentleman come into my work who lost his wife over the summer to cancer. He just sold the house because it was too big and empty and too many memories. Said the kids had a hard time ocming home without Mom too. SO he bought a different house and buying a lot of new things to fill it without the attatchment to the memories. Everyone has to deal with it differently, I hope you find what brings you peace! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tennesseeboy Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 you are in my prayers: I hold it true whate'er prevail I feel it when I sorrow most Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all. Tennyson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OGTEleven Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Thank you all for your kind words. A tumor in her lung is pressing against her vocal chord I was told by the dr. She has lost the ability to speak. What I wouldn't do just to hear her sweet voice one more time. There is a malignet (sp?) mass in her bowels that is causing the blockage. It is inoperable. They said they wouldn't do surgery because her insides is loaded with cancer. They also said, if they could not somehow open the blockage, she could possibly have two weeks. Even if by some miracle they did open it up, she would have maybr two months. I knew deep in my heart that when I called 911 for an ambulance, that she was never coming home again. This question is for someone who has lost a spouse, how do you go on after there gone? I come home to take care of my pets and the house feels so empty. Will the pain ever go away? I watch her laying there, struggeling to breath, watching her waste away.Then I think of all the promises to her these past sixteen months telling her she was going to be ok. I knew they where lies. I never thought it would be so quick. I always thought we would have more time. Please, if you are still reading this. Don't put off that trip, vacation or whatever you and your loved one have been planning to go someday. Because sometimes tomorrow never comes and instead of happy memories, you have a big bag of regrets. Don't make my mistake. Tell your special loved one that you love them. Thank you for letting me vent. I will pray for you and your wife. When you think of what your wife has meant to you, truly meant to you, reverse it, and that is what you meant to her. Your advice is good for all of us but don't have a big bag of regrets, because every day you were on a trip with your wife that was far more important than any vacation or planned event. Every person who has ever lived could have done one more thing, or corrected one more mistake, or said something differently. We should all strive for these things every day, but the best we can do is to get closer to that perfection. None of us can ever achieve it. You mustn't judge yourself against that standard. Without even knowing you, I can tell from these posts that your wife has a good husband. The little moments, the dish washing, snow shoveling, grocery shopping tend to be the boring parts, but they also tend to provide little surprises or laughs that we all remember with our loved ones. Even when they don't, the time itself helps build the foundation or roots for all of those things to grow. Vacations, events and trips are important and memorable, but they are nothing without that foundation. The foundation is what is most important and what will last in your heart. I believe that the pain you feel is a reflection of the love you have. That love can't be taken away by the pain, time, or even death. It is yours and hers. Without that love, we wouldn't feel the pain. Let the pain remind you of the love. Your promises to her that everything would be ok weren't lies. It will be. Maybe not in ways that anyone understands, but it will be ok. I don't feel qualified to offer advice on how you go on, but I would say that using the foundation you have built together can help you and others. In the end, the love that you built is the true foundation. I believe that love can endure as a foundation even after the people who created it are gone. Everything we all do has an impact on others. Make use of your foundation to have that impact be positive. That doesn't necessarily mean do charity work every day or visit the elderly or give away your money (although it does for some people). Be you, find your way. Use your foundation. And take your time. Know that even the little things like posting on a Bills web site, or holding the door open for a stranger, have an impact. Not everyone will know the foundation from which your positive impact comes, but in a small way, it will help them build their own foundation. There has been so much good advice in this thread that I think everyone has been able to absorb something from it. I know I have. I haven't experienced what you are or lost a parent like others have mentioned. I hope I remember this thread if and when I go through this. We all owe you thanks for sharing your personal story because I'm sure we have all benefited from it in some way. I just changed my signature line to a lyric from a favorite song of mine. The line always hits me because I think it is about everyone and what we all can be for each other in ways large and small. Thank you for bringing this to us and helping us all think about what is important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Poojer Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 I am so sorry to hear this news Westie. My thoughts are with you and your family! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Avenger Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 I wish there were words that would make a difference, but I fear simple words are woefully insufficient..... My wife works for a hospice and I know that they take a team approach to their clients - they provide services not only to the client, but to the family - nobody goes through this alone. I'm hoping that you may be able to find similar care in your area and that there are resources who can help you as well as provide care for your wife - it's difficult to try and figure out what support resources are available to you when you're focused on your wife right now, but hopefully hospice care can help with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC Tom Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 I'm going to give you the best advice I can for dealing with this: Stop posting here. Get off the internet. Right now. Seriously. This type of communication, believe it or not, is not social contact. It's a poor, anemic imitation of such, but it's very easy to get trapped into thinking it's an adequate substitute. I watched Paul go through this very process of becoming more socially isolated as more of his socializing became electronic. So go do...something. There's certainly support groups out there. My aunt, after my uncle died, spends her time volunteering at the hospice that took care of him the last three years of his life. My father, who's largely stuck at home taking care of a dying fiancee (side note: she was given two months to live...four years ago. So doctors can be wrong...although at this point, our only explanation for her being alive is "zombie apocalypse"), still makes it a point to get out with friends regularly to golf or go bowling. Just don't socially isolate yourself...and that's REALLY easy to do when you're using the internet as a substitute. (Says the guy with 40k+ posts. But I'm different - I'm a misanthropic bastard who LIKES being socially isolated.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chef Jim Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 I'm going to give you the best advice I can for dealing with this: Stop posting here. Get off the internet. Right now. Seriously. This type of communication, believe it or not, is not social contact. It's a poor, anemic imitation of such, but it's very easy to get trapped into thinking it's an adequate substitute. I watched Paul go through this very process of becoming more socially isolated as more of his socializing became electronic. So go do...something. There's certainly support groups out there. My aunt, after my uncle died, spends her time volunteering at the hospice that took care of him the last three years of his life. My father, who's largely stuck at home taking care of a dying fiancee (side note: she was given two months to live...four years ago. So doctors can be wrong...although at this point, our only explanation for her being alive is "zombie apocalypse"), still makes it a point to get out with friends regularly to golf or go bowling. Just don't socially isolate yourself...and that's REALLY easy to do when you're using the internet as a substitute. (Says the guy with 40k+ posts. But I'm different - I'm a misanthropic bastard who LIKES being socially isolated.) I remember that with Paul. He said he was worried because he became addicted to places like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill from NYC Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 To all my friends on TBD who gave me so much encouragement, I tell you with a heavy heart my wife was given 2 weeks to 2 months to live after her hard fought battle with cancer. would like to thank so many kind folks who gave me so much encouragement. Needless to say, my heart is broken in so many places. I wonder if I could ever put it back together again. I am still holding out hope for a miracle. Thank you once again. I am just so sorry. My prayers continue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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