Hang in there man, you're definitely not alone. This post hit close to home for me as we lost my mother in law last May to cancer. I see my FIL struggling with many of the same things. We all deal with grief in our own ways and there is certainly no "right way" to go about our lives after an event like that. There's no shame in going through it your way. I will say though, I guarantee there are people that care about you and there are things in life that can still bring joy to those suffering the most.