Paulus Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 (edited) I thought it was worth a post. (Text below, sorry for the weird link/message board reaction). [Light] My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you. Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. "My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "Wtf is a poop knife?" Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my !@#$ed up family with their !@#$ed up bowels. FML. I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now. [Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.] Edited February 14, 2018 by Paulus 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nervous Guy Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 That explains this woman's strange behavior....she didn't have a poop knife! http://canoe.com/news/crime/scoop-on-the-poop-connecticut-woman-arrested-for-defecating-in-cul-de-sac-3-separate-times Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mead107 Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 56 minutes ago, Nervous Guy said: That explains this woman's strange behavior....she didn't have a poop knife! http://canoe.com/news/crime/scoop-on-the-poop-connecticut-woman-arrested-for-defecating-in-cul-de-sac-3-separate-times Glad it wasn’t you they caught. ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasons1992 Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 Laughing because I've done this. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExiledInIllinois Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 People are such slobs. Filthy animals. Doesn't everybody have a "poopy device" clearly labeled as such: "PoopyStik" or "PoopyScrewdriver" etc... etc... In each bathroom hidden near the plunger soaking in a anti-bacterial/soapy solution of some sort? Must be my urge to "make it flow backwards" and anal rententive (pun intended) Army lock & dam up-bringing of making schist roll down hill. Label everything and stick it on a shadow board... Especially poopy sticks and poopy screwdrivers... AND NEVER touch the water while question everything during the tangential meanderings. It's a crappy, carppy world out there... Never take chances near where people are making poo flow! Unless you're drunk and on a boat... Oh... BTW... It's the older (say 1990s model Eljer toilets) that are the absolute worse. Right when they put the low-flow BS dam thingy in it to "conserve water." Something about the shape of the drain in bottom of those darn Eljer commodes/bowls? Someday our family aspires to getting a modern jet-flush model. But I am just a working man that's full of big poo! ONE can dream though... 5 minutes ago, Seasons1992 said: Laughing because I've done this. I think everybody has such devices... Since the dawn of the indoor flush... Just social media brings these hidden secrets out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FappyTheClown Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 Thread of the year? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fan in San Diego Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 Its threads like this are why I come here. So I can feel better about myself and my family. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SlimShady'sSpaceForce Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 If you poop big, flush after each drop no knife needed then 45 minutes ago, FappyTheClown said: Thread of the year? seems kind of crappy to me 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BuffaloBill Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 1 hour ago, Fan in San Diego said: Its threads like this are why I come here. So I can feel better about myself and my family. though I would have to imagine you have your own version of this idiocy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lfod Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 I always just used the plunger to break em up 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marv's Neighbor Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 Have to ask, do you live in a Log Cabin? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExiledInIllinois Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 4 hours ago, Lfod said: I always just used the plunger to break em up That's disgusting... Where do clean plunger? Only acceptable answer I will take is outside with garden hose... Or maybe bathtub... With disinfectant. You need a smaller device to break the big stuff. Too many nooks and grannies with a rubber plunger. Maybe somebody can invent an flip out PoopyKnife in end of plunger... Hands free, spring loaded, storing too... 8 hours ago, Fan in San Diego said: Its threads like this are why I come here. So I can feel better about myself and my family. Sorry... We all cant sit on potty and wait for the servants to arrive when drainage disaster strikes and "the head of the turtle" is still popping out your anal orifice... As water is fastly rising from a stalled flush and ready to reach your azz! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cripple Creek Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 (edited) 5 minutes ago, ExiledInIllinois said: That's disgusting... Where do clean plunger? Only acceptable answer I will take is outside with garden hose... Or maybe bathtub... With disinfectant. You need a smaller device to break the big stuff. Too many nooks and grannies with a rubber plunger. Maybe somebody can invent an flip out PoopyKnife in end of plunger... Hands free, spring loaded, storing too... Leave them out of this. Edited February 15, 2018 by Cripple Creek 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExiledInIllinois Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 1 minute ago, Cripple Creek said: Leave them out of this. Would you believe AutoCorrect... Okay... G & C close on the on-screen QWERTY... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Hammersticks Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 Sometimes when you get a giant (8-9”) turd that lands sideways across the hole rather then sliding down the hole, a poop knife would come in handy. I usually just use the end of my wife’s toothbrush and then rinse it off. She’ll never know. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PromoTheRobot Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 I have been known to plug a toilet with a poop-burg. That's when the pile you leave is so big most of its out of the water. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SinceThe70s Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 Around 25 years ago I was privy (!) to a similar scenario from someone I knew briefly , except a stick was the facilitator of choice and I assumed it was a single use scenario. After reading this, perhaps I was wrong. And since we're on bedroom humor, here's a joke I heard two days ago: Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExiledInIllinois Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 2 hours ago, Johnny Hammersticks said: Sometimes when you get a giant (8-9”) turd that lands sideways across the hole rather then sliding down the hole, a poop knife would come in handy. I usually just use the end of my wife’s toothbrush and then rinse it off. She’ll never know. Glad you said "end" toothbrush. There are some serious implications for you if it was the brush end... "Gee honey, you never kiss me goodnight anymore!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KD in CA Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 14 hours ago, ExiledInIllinois said: People are such slobs. Filthy animals. Indeed they are; so happy I don't associate with any of them and their poop knives/sticks! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Hammersticks Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 (edited) 1 hour ago, ExiledInIllinois said: Glad you said "end" toothbrush. There are some serious implications for you if it was the brush end... "Gee honey, you never kiss me goodnight anymore!" Yes, her oral hygiene is on point, but her palms are malodorous. I make her sleep with her hands in her pockets. Edited February 15, 2018 by Johnny Hammersticks 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExiledInIllinois Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 (edited) 1 hour ago, KD in CA said: Indeed they are; so happy I don't associate with any of them and their poop knives/sticks! Sorry us plebs have pluggable toilets, not fancy smancy fixtures that can handle the biggest turds... You're in Cali now... Be careful, the water police will be on your tail if you flush too many times. Edited February 15, 2018 by ExiledInIllinois Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paulus Posted February 15, 2018 Author Share Posted February 15, 2018 4 minutes ago, ExiledInIllinois said: Sorry us plebs have pluggable toilets, not fancy smancy fixtures that can handle the biggest turds... You're in Cali now... Be careful, the water police will be on your tail if you flush too many times. "If it is yellow, let it mellow. Twice brown flush it down." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExiledInIllinois Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Paulus said: "If it is yellow, let it mellow. Twice brown flush it down." IF it will flush... These low flow fixtures are a real mutha! Then whip out the PoopyImplement of choice. Edited February 15, 2018 by ExiledInIllinois Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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