Advice Welcomed...please

[Just Jack]

and for the record my 'transgressions' were stupid decisions no where on the level of this story...mostly money and how it was handled...but transgressions nonetheless

 

You "invested" in Beanie Babies?

[Prisoner 1291378]

The future mom says that she doesn't just want support, she wants to be a family. She ABSOLUTELY wants to be in a relationship. And texts it often - along with ultrasound pics and little baby Buffalo Bills clothes and play toy pics. She is a Redskins fan but says she will change for the sake of a family. lol. She is unmarried in her early 30s. Her clock is out of control.

 

B word be crazy. Start practicing your "Not the father" dance for when you go on Maury.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDZ4fjZq-H4

[KD in CA]

- along with ultrasound pics and little baby Buffalo Bills clothes and play toy pics. She is a Redskins fan but says she will change for the sake of a family. lol. She is unmarried in her early 30s. Her clock is out of control.

 

See...silver linings already! And since no one has yet asked......is she hot?

 

Sorry...hope you can appreciate a bit of levity.

 

 

Someone made a good point above; no matter how you feel about the two women involved now and in the future, there are only two permanent relationships for you in life now: With yourself and with the child. Make sure those are your top two priorities. You won't do anyone any good if you allow the guilt/regret/whatever emotions you're feeling to consume you.

[Juror#8]

See...silver linings already! And since no one has yet asked......is she hot?

 

Sorry...hope you can appreciate a bit of levity.

 

 

Someone made a good point above; no matter how you feel about the two women involved now and in the future, there are only two permanent relationships for you in life now: With yourself and with the child. Make sure those are your top two priorities. You won't do anyone any good if you allow the guilt/regret/whatever emotions you're feeling to consume you.

 

Lol.

 

Yea she's hot...smokin!

 

Things are going better. The old lady is calming down. She asks to see the phone a lot. She said that she won't make any promises about the future but she'll take it day by day.

 

She's starting to ask a lot of specific questions about the experience - was it enjoyable? What does she look like? Those are awkward questions that are difficult to answer candidly. So generalizing to the point of avoidance seems to work.

 

She also wore a sundress and did her makeup to go out with friends last night. She was out with friends cause she called numerous times from her friend's phone because her battery cut out. But she is a jeans and t-shirt woman - so the sundress was a bit confusing. A good friend insists that now *someone* is going to be scrutinizing her - expecting her to try to be similarly unfaithful and therefore analyzing every change in her habits. Not sure that that's what's going on...but it's difficult to move past her wearing a sundress that she hasn't worn in 3 years.

 

Thanks again for your advice and all the advice that folks have seen fit to dispense. More pointedly, thanks to those who have been through this is some form or fashion and were willing to share. It's reassuring to know that others have gone through that level of emotional frustration, learned from it, and are now better people as a result.

Edited June 28, 2013 by Juror#8

[mrags]

She most likely is going out and enjoying herself. I wouldn't even think that she's our being unfaithful, but in the event that she was, could you really blame her? Could you really complain? And if she actually did, and she told you, would you accept it?

 

Most likely, she feels vulnerable and insecure and is trying to make herself "beautiful again" for you. Trying to make you realize what you fell in love with.

 

As far as the questions she's asking. You already told her the worst. No need to lie or sugar coat anything prolly. All thought, you need to reassure her that she is beautiful and you love her. That's the biggest thing she fears brother. She already knows that you do and have looked at other women now, you need to be romantic with her again. Will give you a chance to rekindle your relationship.

 

Good luck my friend.

[Jauronimo]

Lol.

 

Yea she's hot...smokin!

 

Things are going better. The old lady is calming down. She asks to see the phone a lot. She said that she won't make any promises about the future but she'll take it day by day.

 

She's starting to ask a lot of specific questions about the experience - was it enjoyable? What does she look like? Those are awkward questions that are difficult to answer candidly. So generalizing to the point of avoidance seems to work.

 

She also wore a sundress and did her makeup to go out with friends last night. She was out with friends cause she called numerous times from her friend's phone because her battery cut out. But she is a jeans and t-shirt woman - so the sundress was a bit confusing. A good friend insists that now *someone* is going to be scrutinizing her - expecting her to try to be similarly unfaithful and therefore analyzing every change in her habits. Not sure that that's what's going on...but it's difficult to move past her wearing a sundress that she hasn't worn in 3 years.

 

Thanks again for your advice and all the advice that folks have seen fit to dispense. More pointedly, thanks to those who have been through this is some form or fashion and were willing to share. It's reassuring to know that others have gone through that level of emotional frustration, learned from it, and are now better people as a result.

I would avoid the specifics and stick to generalities whenever possible. While its natural to wonder about all the details of the infidelity, there's nothing to be gained.

 

A long time ago a girl cheated on me. I asked every question under the sun determined to know why and expecting to hear how she regretted it and how the dude just didn't stack up. I wasn't prepared to hear that I was wrong on both fronts, and I learned in short order never to ask questions unless you're ready for the answer. While I'm long since over being cheated on, couldn't care less about that girl and much of my memory of that event has been lost to time, those details have stayed with me. Its possible that those memories are still vivid because I'm poorly adjusted and still use it as motivation (only when I really need it) but also because those details normally touch our most deep seeded insecurities. Am I good enough? Were I to be on the ass end of that exchange again, I can confidently say I'd have no questions as to why. Only where do I go from here.

 

It probably seems shady not to go full disclosure at this point, but I don't think its necessary. It doesn't sound like you strayed because your partner wasn't good enough or the side action was better, so theres no reason to communicate that message. No matter how eloquent the details are delivered, no phrasing in the english language will prevent her from internalizing. Even if you said the strange was fat, gross, dumb, and smelled of rotting cabbage she will internalize, and the details will be harder to forgive.

Edited June 28, 2013 by Jauronimo

[mrags]

Well said jauronimo.

[ICanSleepWhenI'mDead]

You and I have had our differences, but there's an aspect to your situation that hasn't really been addressed in this thread. Assuming that the baby is yours, the fact that the mother is a "colleague" adds complexity to whatever you do to try to regain the trust of your long term partner. My best guess is that you periodically need to work late, as does your colleague. If you're both litigators, that really can't be avoided.

 

If saving the relationship with your long term partner really is important to you, you might want to explore ways to manage your career so that you and the baby momma work in different places. Maybe that's not a realistic option, but your long term partner is more likely to believe that she can trust you in the future if your conduct (not just your words) shows that you will do whatever it takes to end any relationship with the baby momma.

 

If your long term partner was my sister, I'd tell her that if you weren't willing to do whatever it took to get the baby momma out of your professional life, she should leave you.

 

You asked for it unvarnished (which I respect). So there it is.

Edited June 29, 2013 by ICanSleepWhenI'mDead

[mead107]

Pics to see which one is hotter?

 

So I take it the one you are having the baby with is a 12 on the scale of 1 - 10. Do the right thing let the 8 year relations ship go and go be a husba d and a dad.

You sure did not give a **** about your 8 year women when you was. banging the crap out of of the other women. Let the lady go find someone that will be faithfull to her. You made your bed so go be a father to your new son or daughter.

 

If it was my daughter that you cheated on ,

I'd shoot you right in the balls and kick your ass out the door. Go live with the women you are having a child with.

[mrags]

You and I have had our differences, but there's an aspect to your situation that hasn't really been addressed in this thread. Assuming that the baby is yours, the fact that the mother is a "colleague" adds complexity to whatever you do to try to regain the trust of your long term partner. My best guess is that you periodically need to work late, as does your colleague. If you're both litigators, that really can't be avoided.

 

If saving the relationship with your long term partner really is important to you, you might want to explore ways to manage your career so that you and the baby momma work in different places. Maybe that's not a realistic option, but your long term partner is more likely to believe that she can trust you in the future if your conduct (not just your words) shows that you will do whatever it takes to end any relationship with the baby momma.

 

If your long term partner was my sister, I'd tell her that if you weren't willing to do whatever it took to get the baby momma out of your professional life, she should leave you.

 

You asked for it unvarnished (which I respect). So there it is.

very well done. Another wrinkle most of us probably Didnt think of.

 

Pics to see which one is hotter?

 

So I take it the one you are having the baby with is a 12 on the scale of 1 - 10. Do the right thing let the 8 year relations ship go and go be a husba d and a dad.

You sure did not give a **** about your 8 year women when you was. banging the crap out of of the other women. Let the lady go find someone that will be faithfull to her. You made your bed so go be a father to your new son or daughter.

 

If it was my daughter that you cheated on ,

I'd shoot you right in the balls and kick your ass out the door. Go live with the women you are having a child with.

i agree I'd like to see pics, but completely disagree with your take. The man doesn't have to leave his woman of 8 years to be with the skank of his unborn child.

 

I don't see anything good to come out of that situation at all. The man can be a father to his child if he's with the woman or not. Of course it's not the same as a happily married couple, but the child can (and from it sounds like from Juror) will have both parents in its life.

[BuffaloBill]

 

... the skank of his unborn child.

 

 

Really? You have so much respect for women. That is terrible.

[mrags]

 

 

Really? You have so much respect for women. That is terrible.

i know it takes 2 to tango here, but any woman having knowledge of a man in a relationship and still having sex with him.... Is a skank. Juror is a cheating bastard. This is true. But she is not innocent in all this.

[Captain Hindsight]

Talk to a professional. No shame in that. I was in therapy for two years and it was the best thing for me. They can help you sort this better than some strangers on a message board.

 

Do whats best for the child as others have mentioned

[mead107]

Has she gone out and gotten even? Knocked up yet ? Only be fair.

[Gugny]

Talk to a professional. No shame in that. I was in therapy for two years and it was the best thing for me. They can help you sort this better than some strangers on a message board.

 

Do whats best for the child as others have mentioned

How are you sure your therapist isn't part of the TBD community? Hmmmmm??

[Juror#8]

Pics to see which one is hotter?

 

So I take it the one you are having the baby with is a 12 on the scale of 1 - 10. Do the right thing let the 8 year relations ship go and go be a husba d and a dad.

You sure did not give a **** about your 8 year women when you was. banging the crap out of of the other women. Let the lady go find someone that will be faithfull to her. You made your bed so go be a father to your new son or daughter.

 

If it was my daughter that you cheated on ,

I'd shoot you right in the balls and kick your ass out the door. Go live with the women you are having a child with.

 

I appreciate the opinion.

 

In reality, the 'unfaithful fling' woman is not all that. She's ok. Maybe a 7.5/10.

 

GIrlfriend/Fiance would have every right to leave. She hasn't yet. But she is struggling with the reality of the infidelity.

Edited July 1, 2013 by Juror#8

[Juror#8]

You and I have had our differences, but there's an aspect to your situation that hasn't really been addressed in this thread. Assuming that the baby is yours, the fact that the mother is a "colleague" adds complexity to whatever you do to try to regain the trust of your long term partner. My best guess is that you periodically need to work late, as does your colleague. If you're both litigators, that really can't be avoided.

 

If saving the relationship with your long term partner really is important to you, you might want to explore ways to manage your career so that you and the baby momma work in different places. Maybe that's not a realistic option, but your long term partner is more likely to believe that she can trust you in the future if your conduct (not just your words) shows that you will do whatever it takes to end any relationship with the baby momma.

 

If your long term partner was my sister, I'd tell her that if you weren't willing to do whatever it took to get the baby momma out of your professional life, she should leave you.

 

You asked for it unvarnished (which I respect). So there it is.

 

She serves in an 'of counsel' capacity in certain legal matters for which she has a significant breadth of experience.

 

The situation is complicated.

 

Girlfriend/Fiance is not aware that that is the connection. She doesn't think that there will be any more communication.

 

i know it takes 2 to tango here, but any woman having knowledge of a man in a relationship and still having sex with him.... Is a skank. Juror is a cheating bastard. This is true. But she is not innocent in all this.

 

If a man was really being a man, and a 'stand up' person, they wouldn't have put themselves in that situation in the first place. There is no excuse for infidelity. It's pathetic and classless.

 

And you were being too easy with the "cheating bastard."

 

I would avoid the specifics and stick to generalities whenever possible. While its natural to wonder about all the details of the infidelity, there's nothing to be gained.

 

A long time ago a girl cheated on me. I asked every question under the sun determined to know why and expecting to hear how she regretted it and how the dude just didn't stack up. I wasn't prepared to hear that I was wrong on both fronts, and I learned in short order never to ask questions unless you're ready for the answer. While I'm long since over being cheated on, couldn't care less about that girl and much of my memory of that event has been lost to time, those details have stayed with me. Its possible that those memories are still vivid because I'm poorly adjusted and still use it as motivation (only when I really need it) but also because those details normally touch our most deep seeded insecurities. Am I good enough? Were I to be on the ass end of that exchange again, I can confidently say I'd have no questions as to why. Only where do I go from here.

 

It probably seems shady not to go full disclosure at this point, but I don't think its necessary. It doesn't sound like you strayed because your partner wasn't good enough or the side action was better, so theres no reason to communicate that message. No matter how eloquent the details are delivered, no phrasing in the english language will prevent her from internalizing. Even if you said the strange was fat, gross, dumb, and smelled of rotting cabbage she will internalize, and the details will be harder to forgive.

 

You are 100% correct. It seems counter-intuitive, cause you want to be honest and tell everything about the unfaithful experience to start anew and move forward in the relationship - but at the same time it seems counter-productive to do that.

Edited July 1, 2013 by Juror#8

[John Adams]

Girlfriend/Fiance is not aware that that is the connection. She doesn't think that there will be any more communication.

.

 

I'm going to go ahead and not get into pronoun confusion.

 

Granted, I read only your posts in the last 4 pages so maybe someone already said this but how would you have no communication with the mother of your child? Unless you are abandoning it?

 

Assuming it's yours and assuming she's even pregnant and not just a psycho, you have no choice but to be in some relationship with the mother. Not live-in relationship but you have to talk to her often and do everything you can to get along with her even if she's driving you crazy. If she moves away with the kid, you need to find a way to move to where she is. Basically, you're tied to the child (and mother) for life. When you have a kid, your life is only partially your own and both you and your fiance need to get used to that.

 

Your girlfriend will have to come to grips with this eventually for you to keep her around but I guess you know that. And if you don't think she will treat your child with the hugest most open heart, she's got to go. If she's going to resent your child or treat it poorly, which would be only human mind you, you can't be with her. That's a terrible thing to do to a child--to put them between you and someone you love--so get rid of the adult involved if the adult won't treat the baby with complete love, and the baby's mother, with civility and kindness.

 

Pretty black and white to me. But get the paternity test before embarking on this road. Finding out you're the father of a child will be great news. So will the opposite.

Edited July 1, 2013 by John Adams

[NoSaint]

First and most important is paternity testing. It's been said a lot, but deserves to be a lot more. Too many guys neglect this before making terrible choices. I'm an advocate that they should be mandatory at birth for a guy going on the certificate, but....

[mead107]

First and most important is paternity testing. It's been said a lot, but deserves to be a lot more. Too many guys neglect this before making terrible choices. I'm an advocate that they should be mandatory at birth for a guy going on the certificate, but....

The terrible choice he made was sleeping with the women in the first place. If the kid is his he needs to man up and set his girlfriend free. Make an honest women out the mother of his child.

 

Every time he works late or has to travel his girlfriend is going to think he is screwing some other B word. Only a matter of time before his girlfriend gets even.. Will you understand or will your mind think she is some kind of tramp. Move on.