Anyone ever go through a divorce with a child?

[Soda Popinski]

@teef

Just remember it's cheaper to keep her

[Boca BIlls]

23 minutes ago, joesixpack said:

 

yeah no thanks. I spent 15 years married to crazy.

 

Oh ****... you don't marry them!

[Pine Barrens Mafia]

12 minutes ago, Boca BIlls said:

Oh ****... you don't marry them!

[teef]

24 minutes ago, Soda Popinski said:

@teef

Just remember it's cheaper to keep her

like a lot of people, my wife loves those 48 hrs, 20/20 murder mysteries.  it's almost always the spouse.  on a number of occasions, she stated, "if anything goes wrong in the marriage, just divorce me,"  half kidding, half not.

[Soda Popinski]

1 minute ago, teef said:

like a lot of people, my wife loves those 48 hrs, 20/20 murder mysteries.  it's almost always the spouse.  on a number of occasions, she stated, "if anything goes wrong in the marriage, just divorce me,"  half kidding, half not.

My in laws have some property that will be liquidated when it comes down to us. You'll know because that's when I'll have a nice shiny new boat and a house in Key Colony Beach FL to rent out and use regularly.       After 20 years of marriage, there's no way I'm giving that up at this point.   Luckily we're pretty happy, but even if we weren't.  I'm sticking it out.  

[teef]

6 minutes ago, Soda Popinski said:

My in laws have some property that will be liquidated when it comes down to us. You'll know because that's when I'll have a nice shiny new boat and a house in Key Colony Beach FL to rent out and use regularly.       After 20 years of marriage, there's no way I'm giving that up at this point.   Luckily we're pretty happy, but even if we weren't.  I'm sticking it out.  

i hear ya.  i have a water front house in the thousand islands coming this way at some point.  even has a boat house.  i'll lose some arguments for that.

[Soda Popinski]

3 minutes ago, teef said:

i hear ya.  i have a water front house in the thousand islands coming this way at some point.  even has a boat house.  i'll lose some arguments for that.

that's it, short term loss, long term gains.   This year, cancelled hunting lease, sold boat, really cut back because my daughter needed tuition money.   It was the right thing to do, but at the same time I made those decisions, it wasn't a discussion.   Wasn't her idea.   

 

That way a few years down the road when we have the means.....and I say "I want to do a guided elk hunt in Colorado/Montana" there won't be any push back. Especially if I bring her and let her sit in some ski resort sipping hot cocoa by the fire while I'm out romp n stomping.     GIve and take. 

[Augie]

37 minutes ago, teef said:

like a lot of people, my wife loves those 48 hrs, 20/20 murder mysteries.  it's almost always the spouse.  on a number of occasions, she stated, "if anything goes wrong in the marriage, just divorce me,"  half kidding, half not.

 

Wise move!

 

 

Buy some time. That will give you the first chance to strike. 

[plenzmd1]

1 hour ago, teef said:

i hear ya.  i have a water front house in the thousand islands coming this way at some point.  even has a boat house.  i'll lose some arguments for that.

i guaran- damn- tee my MIL is  at my funeral...not seeing anything from that end..and she has a great house on 49th street in VA Beach!!!!

 

Royale..I got nothing for ya.... but hopes for a great outcome for you and your family..and sounds like you have a good start with (soon to be ex) wife who is on the same page.

[Gugny]

I'm not reading through six pages ................... has anyone asked for a pic, yet?

[GaryPinC]

18 hours ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

#3....not much.  In fact, when the documents are produced and my Lawyer reviews it and wants to make changes to protect me, I will worry she will not be able to reason.

We've been fine but she was upset this morning that I seem to be more accepting of what's happening.  It's not that, I'm just not as emotional as her.  I told her its killing me inside too but I just don't show it.  

Sounds like the two of you are on the same page, do your best to keep it there.  Be useful and considerate to your ex when it comes to the kids, be respectful that her life and choices are her own now and expect the same from her.   If you don't like how she parents your son, maybe mention/discuss, but ultimately you have to set your own example and rules when he's with you and rely on him to appreciate it someday.  Lead by example.

 

Dpberr is right but too harsh about the reality of things.  When your son is with you, you are a single parent with no back up so eventually you will appreciate and make great use of your time alone.  Kids, and really every one of us, is subject to events that are emotionally scarring every day.  Divorce is just one of them, having a bad relationship with your ex is what prolongs and increases the trauma.  My kids have a great sense of humor and I get lots of compliments from teachers, adults about their character and efforts.  I think they've handled it extremely well, because me and my ex decided to handle it well.  We switch and swap days with the kids all the time, she is very generous when I have family events and I do the same.  Kids first, and balance it from there.  Over time, the four of us don't do as much together as a family, and a good bit of it is my choice for now.

 

For all those saying to work it out, I wanted that too but she didn't.  We were two nice, decent people who were attracted to each other and I always figured that was enough.  She was right.  Divorce made me realize that, and I'm glad I'm not stuck with someone attractive I like but is completely uninspiring and ill suited to be my soulmate on a deeper level.  God helped take that depressing scenario away, allowing me to see her in a truer light and learning about my own failures and weaknesses along the way.  I'm so much the better for it.

Edited September 20, 2018 by GaryPinC

[The Poojer]

Whatever happens, don't be this guy....the nursing home incident happened a couple miles down the road from me, the final scene happened 100 yards or so from my co-workers house.....say out loud....it's only money, it's only stuff!!!!

 

 

https://6abc.com/da-suspect-wanted-for-parents-murder-shooting-at-ex-wife-is-dead/4288358/

 

[Royale with Cheese]

2 minutes ago, GaryPinC said:

Sounds like the two of you are on the page, do your best to keep it there.  Be useful and considerate to your ex when it comes to the kids, be respectful that her life and choices are her own now and expect the same from her.   If you don't like how she parents your son, maybe mention/discuss, but ultimately you have to set your own example and rules when he's with you and rely on him to appreciate it someday.  Lead by example.

 

Dpberr is right but too harsh about the reality of things.  When your son is with you, you are a single parent with no back up so eventually you will appreciate and make great use of your time alone.  Kids, and really every one of us, is subject to events that are emotionally scarring every day.  Divorce is just one of them, having a bad relationship with your ex is what prolongs and increases the trauma.  My kids have a great sense of humor and I get lots of compliments from teachers, adults about their character and efforts.  I think they've handled it extremely well, because me and my ex decided to handle it well.  We switch and swap days with the kids all the time, she is very generous when I have family events and I do the same.  Kids first, and balance it from there.  Over time, the four of us don't do as much together as a family, and a good bit of it is my choice for now.

 

For all those saying to work it out, I wanted that too but she didn't.  We were two nice, decent people who were attracted to each other and I always figured that was enough.  She was right.  Divorce made me realize that, and I'm glad I'm not stuck with someone attractive I like but is completely uninspiring and ill suited to be my soulmate on a deeper level.  God helped take that depressing scenario away, allowing me to see her in a truer light and learning about my own failures and weaknesses along the way.  I'm so much the better for it.

 

Really appreciate this post.  

 

When we were at the decision making conversation, I told her if you want to separate for awhile and see if we can work on things out, I'm open to that.  She wasn't, I really wasn't too but since we have a child, I just wanted to see if there could be one last hail mary chance.  When she said no, I actually felt relief.  She's not a bad person, I don't believe I am either but we didn't bring out the best of each other.  We weren't good to each other too many times and I lost desire to want to be with her.

 

I've thought about my alone time with my son a lot.  I know I'm going to be much more active with him since my time is limited now.  I was active with him before but when you have him all the time, sometimes you just want to rest on the couch and watch him play.  

 

My ex and I spoke more last night.  She offered me to keep the house as long as I give her 50% of the profit once I sell.  I was for it, I would prefer not to move.  As she was crunching numbers about what she could afford for rent, with her salary, she wouldn't be able to save much.  I make much more than she does and I don't want her to struggle paycheck to paycheck.  I changed my mind and told her lets keep the original plan to sell the house so you can get that money now.  She appreciated it.

 

Me, I'm going to rent for about 18 months which would be around the time my son starts kindergarten and buy a house in a good school district.  My ex and I are on the same page with which school districts we're okay with.  We're in a higher cost of living area because of the schools I'm not sure she could afford a house there.  She's okay with me having him under my main address if that's the case.  It's very populated where I'm at, there are 5 high school districts all within 5-7 miles of each other....regardless, we will be living close to each other.

[SlimShady'sSpaceForce]

54 minutes ago, Gugny said:

I'm not reading through six pages ................... has anyone asked for a pic, yet?

 

[teef]

9 minutes ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

Really appreciate this post.  

 

When we were at the decision making conversation, I told her if you want to separate for awhile and see if we can work on things out, I'm open to that.  She wasn't, I really wasn't too but since we have a child, I just wanted to see if there could be one last hail mary chance.  When she said no, I actually felt relief.  She's not a bad person, I don't believe I am either but we didn't bring out the best of each other.  We weren't good to each other too many times and I lost desire to want to be with her.

 

I've thought about my alone time with my son a lot.  I know I'm going to be much more active with him since my time is limited now.  I was active with him before but when you have him all the time, sometimes you just want to rest on the couch and watch him play.  

 

My ex and I spoke more last night.  She offered me to keep the house as long as I give her 50% of the profit once I sell.  I was for it, I would prefer not to move.  As she was crunching numbers about what she could afford for rent, with her salary, she wouldn't be able to save much.  I make much more than she does and I don't want her to struggle paycheck to paycheck.  I changed my mind and told her lets keep the original plan to sell the house so you can get that money now.  She appreciated it.

 

Me, I'm going to rent for about 18 months which would be around the time my son starts kindergarten and buy a house in a good school district.  My ex and I are on the same page with which school districts we're okay with.  We're in a higher cost of living area because of the schools I'm not sure she could afford a house there.  She's okay with me having him under my main address if that's the case.  It's very populated where I'm at, there are 5 high school districts all within 5-7 miles of each other....regardless, we will be living close to each other.

why don't you just buy out her half now?  she can have the money and you can stay in the house?  i'm not sure exactly how that would work with market value etc, but i know it can happen.

[plenzmd1]

2 minutes ago, teef said:

why don't you just buy out her half now?  she can have the money and you can stay in the house?  i'm not sure exactly how that would work with market value etc, but i know it can happen.

just need to get a new mortgage and deed.

[teef]

2 minutes ago, plenzmd1 said:

just need to get a new mortgage and deed.

that's what i figured.  as long as the bank will give the new mortgage, both people win.  i'm just not sure how you would determine the market value of the house.  in some of the suburbs here, houses are going for a lot more than their worth, really because there's nothing on the market.  i suppose they go by the taxable value of the house.

[billsfan89]

3 is a very young age where children haven't fully developed a sense of home. So the split will not be very traumatizing for the child. At least that's what people who do child psychology have told friends/coworkers of mine who had little kids and they went through a divorce. The big challenges will come once the both of you start to live your own lives and you try to co-parent. For one it could be difficult for her to see you with other women or you to see her with other men. That can cause bitterness and resentment. 

 

Secondly, issues with how she raises the child and how you raise the child could be a big source of tension. Now it is better for a child to have divorced parents than living with parents who are in a toxic relationship. So don't feel like you are immediately doing the wrong thing if your relationship was just not functioning properly. But just be prepared for these challenges to arise. As another poster said do not bad mouth the mother in front of or even anywhere near the child. Don't look back in anger. Be a credible dude and a good father. There might be some bumps in the road but if you do those two things you and your child will be fine. 

[GaryPinC]

9 minutes ago, Royale with Cheese said:

 

Really appreciate this post.  

 

When we were at the decision making conversation, I told her if you want to separate for awhile and see if we can work on things out, I'm open to that.  She wasn't, I really wasn't too but since we have a child, I just wanted to see if there could be one last hail mary chance.  When she said no, I actually felt relief.  She's not a bad person, I don't believe I am either but we didn't bring out the best of each other.  We weren't good to each other too many times and I lost desire to want to be with her.

 

I've thought about my alone time with my son a lot.  I know I'm going to be much more active with him since my time is limited now.  I was active with him before but when you have him all the time, sometimes you just want to rest on the couch and watch him play.  

 

My ex and I spoke more last night.  She offered me to keep the house as long as I give her 50% of the profit once I sell.  I was for it, I would prefer not to move.  As she was crunching numbers about what she could afford for rent, with her salary, she wouldn't be able to save much.  I make much more than she does and I don't want her to struggle paycheck to paycheck.  I changed my mind and told her lets keep the original plan to sell the house so you can get that money now.  She appreciated it.

 

Me, I'm going to rent for about 18 months which would be around the time my son starts kindergarten and buy a house in a good school district.  My ex and I are on the same page with which school districts we're okay with.  We're in a higher cost of living area because of the schools I'm not sure she could afford a house there.  She's okay with me having him under my main address if that's the case.  It's very populated where I'm at, there are 5 high school districts all within 5-7 miles of each other....regardless, we will be living close to each other.

 

Dude, this is so perfect how the two of you are making decisions about your son and most importantly, how you made the decision on the house with her in mind.  Just keep it up.  I too have done this type of stuff as needed, my parents want me to be more hostile, but they also don't understand how it would just boomerang back badly and holds your life back instead of moving it forward.  

 

In the first year or two, I actually fought with my ex more than when we were married because I wasn't just going to put up with her some of her **** anymore and needed to carve out my space as it relates to her.  But I would always do stuff for her if really needed, and believe me she did her best to avoid it for the sake of independence.  And we live less than 10 minutes apart in the same school district.   

 

The first few months post-separation will be rough, for me, every day like opening the doors to an emotional blast furnace varying between either getting mildly singed or a full fledged torching to ashes.  Hang in there, once you realize you get to redefine life on your own terms again and things will be ok with your son, you'll notice how bright the light is shining.

[Royale with Cheese]

20 minutes ago, teef said:

why don't you just buy out her half now?  she can have the money and you can stay in the house?  i'm not sure exactly how that would work with market value etc, but i know it can happen.

 

I would basically have to give her half up front of what we believe the house will sell for.  Our real estate agent believes strongly that we're going to get "X" number.  Which would be roughly $80-$100,000 profit.  I can't give that to her right now.  She offered to wait until I sell it but then she would struggle and that would really bother me.

9 minutes ago, billsfan89 said:

3 is a very young age where children haven't fully developed a sense of home. So the split will not be very traumatizing for the child. At least that's what people who do child psychology have told friends/coworkers of mine who had little kids and they went through a divorce. The big challenges will come once the both of you start to live your own lives and you try to co-parent. For one it could be difficult for her to see you with other women or you to see her with other men. That can cause bitterness and resentment. 

 

Secondly, issues with how she raises the child and how you raise the child could be a big source of tension. Now it is better for a child to have divorced parents than living with parents who are in a toxic relationship. So don't feel like you are immediately doing the wrong thing if your relationship was just not functioning properly. But just be prepared for these challenges to arise. As another poster said do not bad mouth the mother in front of or even anywhere near the child. Don't look back in anger. Be a credible dude and a good father. There might be some bumps in the road but if you do those two things you and your child will be fine. 

 

I'm hoping your first paragraph is correct....he's my biggest worry now.

 

I've actually thought about what if I did see her with another man?  I really don't think I'll be bothered much but still have a little.  We were very firm that we're not having overnight guests for a long time.  It was actually a question in the divorce papers of how long we agree to it.  We put down 2 years.  I was fine with it.  I'm not exposing my son to anyone for a long time and she feels the same way.  When our son isn't there, we can do whatever we want.  I believe I'm closer to "getting back out there" than she is but who knows.  I'm just going to have fun for a few years.

 

I think I'm going to have a little anxiety for the next 15 years until my son is 18.  I feel overall, her and I will be all right but there will be moments.  We fought while married, I can't expect us to be complete angels to each other all the time in divorce.  We'll just keep it civil.