The Poojer Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 a friend of mine sent me an email yesterday asking for my advice/opinion. She saw two hotel charges on recent credit card bills that were suspicious to the point where she almost suspected her husband and their au pair may have been doing something inappropriate. Both dates coincided with times that the 2 of them had gone out to bars/clubs(yeah..the husband and au pair). she confronted him last night and he told her that the au pair had a boyfriend that she didn't want my friend to know she was 'banging'...so the husband would put the hotel on his cc and au pair would give him cash to avoid a paper trail for the au pair ... my friend bought that excuse. I don't....and here comes the tricky part for me. The husband is my boss. there isn't a soul in our immediate surroundings here at work that do not think he ISN'T cheating on his wife(one of my closest friends). No proof...just pretty strong vibes...in fact the au pair met him out at an after party after a work holiday party(one where spouses and dates weren't invited)....immediately everyone in the after party assumed he was banging the au pair. So anyhow...my friend tells me the outcome of the confrontation from last night, and like i said, seems satisfied with the answer. Do I drop it and say "atta girl", or do I send this note which i have typed out but held off sending....Let me know what you think. Not to make you feel worse about the whole situation, but I would be lying if i said it didn't still sound fishy, but that's not for me to judge...you were there for the face to face, so I have to trust your judgment and instincts. I do think he needs to tone down hanging out with the au pair socially, as it has the potential to smell of indiscretion whether there is anything behind it or not, but again, that is between you guys...i do hope that he starts paying more attention to you and the boys as he needs to realize that working 24/7 is not healthy for anyone..jobs come and go but family should always be the top priority. I am always here if you need anything...I try to separate myself from both he and Tim, to avoid clouding the boss/friend line(that's kind of why I haven't been around much lately)...but anytime you want to sneak out(probably not the best phrase to use in this specific context) for a drink or something, let me know. I am glad that you feel a little better about the whole situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BuffaloBill Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 My advice is to tell the husband his wife is on to him and leave it at that. You will regret getting any more deeply involved. JMO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dib Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 The husband goes drinking with the au Pair? Farewell and adieu to you spanish ladies............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Poojer Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 the husband knows...she confronted him with the suspicious charges yesterday...he is pretty much scum of the earth...and she and i have been close friends way longer than he has been my boss My advice is to tell the husband his wife is on to him and leave it at that. You will regret getting any more deeply involved. JMO yeah...just completely inappropriate if you ask me... The husband goes drinking with the au Pair? Farewell and adieu to you spanish ladies............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillsFanNC Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Stay out of it. NEVER get involved with others marital problems in any way shape or form. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NCDAWG Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) the husband knows...she confronted him with the suspicious charges yesterday...he is pretty much scum of the earth...and she and i have been close friends way longer than he has been my boss I would not put anything in writing, if you wanted to tell her that. I have a neighbor going through almost the same thing and emails and texts are scoured from both side for ammo. I know she is your friend but getting inbetween a husband and wife never ends good. yeah...just completely inappropriate if you ask me... Edited January 25, 2011 by NCDAWG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Poojer Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 but am i really saying anything damaging in what i wrote? its really killing me, because i would like nothing more than for him to get knocked down...it sounds harsh, but he is just a bad person(no physical abuse or anything like that)...just not a very good human being....and she is, like i said, one of my closest friends..... aarrrrggghhhhhhh :wallbash: :wallbash: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC Tom Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Both dates coincided with times that the 2 of them had gone out to bars/clubs(yeah..the husband and au pair). "But it's perfectly innocent! I swear!" If the wife's buying that, she's getting what she deserves. Sometimes stupid is its own punishment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NCDAWG Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 but am i really saying anything damaging in what i wrote? its really killing me, because i would like nothing more than for him to get knocked down...it sounds harsh, but he is just a bad person(no physical abuse or anything like that)...just not a very good human being....and she is, like i said, one of my closest friends..... aarrrrggghhhhhhh :wallbash: :wallbash: No, nothing damning but the fact that the trail leads back to you. If you want to counsel her, do it face to face. It is a slippery slope. And people like that don't "get knocked down", if he is cheating on his wife then he has to be scummy enough at heart not to give a crap what others say or think...anything you do will not change the situation. Try as best as you can to be a friend to your friend, listen and try to heal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cugalabanza Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) Stay out of it. NEVER get involved with others marital problems in any way shape or form. I, for the most part, agree with this. Obviously, you have all the right intentions, but relationships are weird things. Your boss's explanation of the credit card charges is so incredibly lame that I'm sure your friend, somewhere in her mind, has an idea what's happening. She may have a powerful reason for repressing these thoughts. If you challenge her on this, she may interpret it as an aggressive act on your part. I know you want to look out for your friend, but you have to be careful. There may be ways to give subtle hints that you do not trust this guy, but I think it would be a mistake to take a hard line and get yourself in the middle. It's likely that she will have to work it out in her own way. Edited January 25, 2011 by gringo starr Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KD in CA Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Your friend is either a complete moron or simply doesn't want to deal with the reality that her husband is banging the nanny. No amount of 'helping' her is going to change either of those senarios. Bottom line: Stay out of it. NEVER get involved with others marital problems in any way shape or form. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Caveman Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 If you had facts that she doesn't have, I could understand why you might feel like the right thing to do would be to tell her. But in this instance, you're talking about only your opinion, as it sounds like she has the facts, and is already willing to ignore the situation. I'd leave it be, especially considering your work situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Poojer Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 Thanks everyone....I will keep my mouth shut and just offer an ear if she ever needs it and leave it at that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillsFanNC Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I know this from experience. We have neighbors that were good friends to both my wife and I. They were going through some rocky times, and I'd often meet the husband after work for a few beers. His wife followed him to the bar we were at one day and saw my truck there. Suddenly she is calling my wife and berating her saying that I'm encouraging her husband to cheat on her and she is sending me long, ranting emails of how I'm ruining their marriage. Meanwhile I had no knowledge whether he had or hadn't actually been cheating on her as he never said anything to me. We went through all this crap as a result of me being friend and listening to a buddy when he was down. We had to cut them both out of our lives. Trust me, stay out of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BuffaloBill Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 the husband knows...she confronted him with the suspicious charges yesterday...he is pretty much scum of the earth...and she and i have been close friends way longer than he has been my boss Again, life experience tells me that you will regret getting involved. Emotions in these situations will run the full spectrum and you are better off not being in the middle of them. If I was you I would take a step back and let the couple deal with their own marital issues. If one or the other of them approaches you I would offer support as a friend but state your belief that it is not your place to become involved in issues concerning their marriage. In addition to their marriage you are putting your job at risk. Again, the decision to do so is yours but does not seem to be a wise thing to do. BTW - your intentions may be really good but if you have any "feelings" beyond friendship for the wife then you need to back away even harder. Just saying ... that's a recipe for total disaster. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KD in CA Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 In addition to their marriage you are putting your job at risk. Yup. If one of my employees was writting letters to my wife regarding my marriage, he'd soon find himself on the unemployment line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Poojer Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 I can walk to the bar we would grab a drink at...he'd never see my car there! I know this from experience. We have neighbors that were good friends to both my wife and I. They were going through some rocky times, and I'd often meet the husband after work for a few beers. His wife followed him to the bar we were at one day and saw my truck there. Suddenly she is calling my wife and berating her saying that I'm encouraging her husband to cheat on her and she is sending me long, ranting emails of how I'm ruining their marriage. Meanwhile I had no knowledge whether he had or hadn't actually been cheating on her as he never said anything to me. We went through all this crap as a result of me being friend and listening to a buddy when he was down. We had to cut them both out of our lives. Trust me, stay out of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cugalabanza Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I can walk to the bar we would grab a drink at...he'd never see my car there! One more piece of advice: PAY CASH! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Poojer Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 plenty of hr issues that could be thrown in his face if he ever tried that tack...and hardly any of them would be initiated by me...he has a long list of people that want to take him down for his racist and anti-semetic statements that he thinks nothing of floating around...like i said..this guys is not a good human being.. but alas...i am gonna stay out of it unless she wants to talk... oh and i should add..his boss is his best friend and is not blind to any of this either...its a really weird situation, but if i ever got outed for talking to his wife, his boss would certainly stand behind him as he feels the same way about potential indiscretions....and his boss is good friends with the wife as well...all of us are former circuit city... i need to get off this team...but i am waiting for my year anniversary to come around next month Yup. If one of my employees was writting letters to my wife regarding my marriage, he'd soon find himself on the unemployment line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Delete This Account Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 feh. au pair. update us when it becomes a threesome. jw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plenzmd1 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) shiv the mofo an option?? BTW, am i the only one who buys his explanation? Sound feasible to me, may have had to do something similiar for my own 22 year old smoking hot nanny a few times when she was in the exact situation Edited January 25, 2011 by plenzmd1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UConn James Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) plenty of hr issues that could be thrown in his face if he ever tried that tack...and hardly any of them would be initiated by me...he has a long list of people that want to take him down for his racist and anti-semetic statements that he thinks nothing of floating around...like i said..this guys is not a good human being.. but alas...i am gonna stay out of it unless she wants to talk... oh and i should add..his boss is his best friend and is not blind to any of this either...its a really weird situation, but if i ever got outed for talking to his wife, his boss would certainly stand behind him as he feels the same way about potential indiscretions....and his boss is good friends with the wife as well...all of us are former circuit city... i need to get off this team...but i am waiting for my year anniversary to come around next month It doesn't take Encyclopedia Brown to wonder why the au pair didn't just pay for the hotel with her cash. Taking six steps when there was a way to take two usually means something's not kosher. Your friend is taking a trip down a river called De Nile. **** like this can hit the fan very quickly, and its landing place is indiscriminate. So yeah... I would update and send out my resume while I still have a job. Edited January 25, 2011 by UConn James Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eSJayDee Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 It doesn't take Encyclopedia Brown to wonder why the au pair didn't just pay for the hotel with her cash Wouldn't surprise me if very few hotels accept reservations on cash alone, ie you need a card. While I'm interjecting on the matter, how come no one has asked for pics yet? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BuffaloBill Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 plenty of hr issues that could be thrown in his face if he ever tried that tack... I would not count on this. Legally and properly firing people is an easy thing to do - even for a jerk boss. I say this as a 20+ year HR professional. Again, it is too easy for you to come up on the short-end. People read about lawsuits or hear about "settlements" but they are rare given the number of times people are fired from their work. Don't misunderstand, I in no way advocate firing people improperly or illegally. I'm simply saying if you want someone "out" of the organization it is very simple to do so in a way that does not allow the employee any recourse. The law and the courts do not view employment as an entitlement. The law only says that firing people for a very limited set of reasons is improper. Your boss only has to raise one of a million more reasons outside of the very few that are protected under the law and you go to the street with nothing more to say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrDawkinstein Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) My advice is to tell the husband his wife is on to him and leave it at that. You will regret getting any more deeply involved. JMO Edit: I actually take this one back, and have to disagree with BuffaloBill. If you say anything to him, he'll know you are secretly talking to the wife behind his back. Stay away. Stay away. Stay away. She is a grown woman and can handle her own marriage. Stay out of it. NEVER get involved with others marital problems in any way shape or form. Yup. If one of my employees was writting letters to my wife regarding my marriage, he'd soon find himself on the unemployment line. All of this. Stay out of it. AS far away as possible, actually. When this DOES blow up, and it will, you do not want to be caught in the blast radius, because everyone involved will lose in some way. Also, you left out the most important part of all of this... Pics of the au pair, stat! She has to have a facebook, and Im sure you know her name! Edited January 25, 2011 by DrDankenstein Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BuffaloBill Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Edit: I actually take this one back, and have to disagree with BuffaloBill. If you say anything to him, he'll know you are secretly talking to the wife behind his back. Stay away. Stay away. Stay away. She is a grown woman and can handle her own marriage. Actually after thinking about it I tend to agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrDawkinstein Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Actually after thinking about it I tend to agree. Yeah, I was with you, and then thought that it's still getting too involved. Being a "messenger" for the wife is not a good place to be. Pooj, I know it sucks to have to watch, but you have to let these adults figure it out themselves. In the meantime, make with the pics so we can judge for ourselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MattyT Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 The best thing you can do to help you and your friend is to start banging the au pair yourself, so that it will be less likely that your friend's husband will have the opportunity. Otherwise... Stay out of it. NEVER get involved with others marital problems in any way shape or form. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fan in Chicago Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) a friend of mine sent me an email yesterday asking for my advice/opinion. She saw two hotel charges on recent credit card bills that were suspicious to the point where she almost suspected her husband and their au pair may have been doing something inappropriate. Both dates coincided with times that the 2 of them had gone out to bars/clubs(yeah..the husband and au pair). A few random thoughts: - Your boss' excuse is such a load of you-know-what. It sounds hokey and to top it all, the timing of the charges coincides with the same times as when HE is out drinking with her ? - Now he knows that his wife can find out about credit card charges. Unless he is a moron or an over the top pompous !@#$ who believes nothing can happen to him, such charges will never happen again. So the chances of your friend finding damning evidence are significantly reduced from now onwards - Do not put down anything in writing. If you are going to advise your friend, do it face to face. As someone else said, this will blow up eventually and you do not want to be associated with it in any way. - Contrary to most opinions here, I think you should tell your friend what you think and ways for her to confirm or refute the doubts. A PI may be in order. But, again, limit your talk to a friendly, one-on-one, face-to-face discussion only - I think you have several legal recourses to protect your employment when this blows up Ultimately, I think you need to give it a lot of thought and then do what your morals and gut instinct tell you to do. By being in such a moral quandary, it is evident you are a good person with noble intentions. If sh1t still happens to you, there is nothing you should be ashamed of as you are not the perpetrator. Recognize who the villain is in this situation and be true to yourself. Edited January 25, 2011 by Fan in Chicago Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thebug Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Myself, I would bang the nanny and the wife as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrDawkinstein Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Myself, I would bang the nanny and the wife as well. ^^ Winner /thread Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Jack Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Need pics of the au pair before giving my opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExiledInIllinois Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Some reason these lines just popped into my head: "...Check it out Forgot to say hello to my neighbors Check it out Sometimes I question my own behavior Check it out Talkin' about the girls that we've seen on the sly Just to tell our souls we're still the young lions So check it out Gettin' too drunk on Saturdays Check it out Playin' football with the kids on Sundays Check it out Soarin' with the eagles all week long And this is all that we've learned about living This is all that we've learned about living..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bbb Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 How is it that your good friend's husband is your boss?........Are you looking to get with your friend? When I've had these types of situations, it's usually for that reason! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoSaint Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 (edited) Stay away. You will be left with no job, and a big stain on your resume when you find yourself out of work for what may or may not be cheating. You don't even know. It sounds like your opinion of the man and admiration for his wife is a bad situation for you to be anywhere near. I'm not saying you want anything to happen, but you sure as hell don't want everyone talking about the two of you whenever you go out together. Sadly, it's a friendship that however innocent can not be continued until you find new arrangements for a paycheck. You are not protected in nearly any way should he choose to fire you. The gossip alone is detrimental to the team and grounds. Short of him using a slur in front of a roomful of people while throwing you out - you would have no case. This better be a very good friend for you to risk taking food off your table in order to voice a suspicion over a situation she's already aware of. If she's willing to take his reasons at face value so easily, she is also likely to turn her back on you when things hit the fan, as I am sure her family, her marriage, her house etc all mean a lot to her and your intervention may cause a situation where she has to pick a side. Edited January 26, 2011 by NoSaint Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Poojer Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 my friend and i became close friends in our circuit city days(the husband worked there as well, but i did'nt really know him. When CC went under, his friend(another CC alum) went to this company in KoP, he brought along his buddy to work for him...my friend suggested to the 2 of them they look at me for an opening on the team....voila...here i am a year later How is it that your good friend's husband is your boss?........Are you looking to get with your friend? When I've had these types of situations, it's usually for that reason! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NCDAWG Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 my friend and i became close friends in our circuit city days(the husband worked there as well, but i did'nt really know him. When CC went under, his friend(another CC alum) went to this company in KoP, he brought along his buddy to work for him...my friend suggested to the 2 of them they look at me for an opening on the team....voila...here i am a year later Good Times Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mead107 Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Tell the wife she should get even. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BUFFALOTONE Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Stay out of it. NEVER get involved with others marital problems in any way shape or form. +1 Unless he is physically abusing her, other than that it is none of your biz even though she is your friend and came to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nanker Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Pooj, you're in a lose-lose situation. Choose to lose the least. As tempting as it appears to be to interject yourself more directly into the situation, the potential for losing big is great if you do so. Not only can your boss screw you, but your Grand boss can too. He might be a ****, but it's not your job to make him a better person. Peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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