How Important are Your Kids?

[KD in CA]

11 hours ago, Gugny said:

Awesome.  Another 70-plus year old, rich white guy telling me how I should live my life.

 

Sounds like he's qualified to be President.  Maybe we can we get him into the next debate.   

 

 

Yeah, I get it...don't sacrifice your marriage for the kids and don't let them turn into spoiled brats.  Got it.  The wife and I do one couples trip a year.  Wish it was more often, but without any grandparents we do what we can and will make up for it when they head off to college.

 

But ya know, if you need to have all your focus on your spouse (or your softball team, or your job, or your mountain biking club), than it's simple --- don't have kids.  I know plenty of people who don't and it looks like they are having a great time.  So don't be afraid to go that route.   But if you do have kids, they are going to be a pretty central focus. That's the deal. The idea that kids are just going to sit there and speak only when spoken to isn't exactly realistic, nor is it how I want my kids to be raised.  I want my kids to have the balls and the smarts to be ready to face the world and kick ass, and that needs to start young. And that's what's happening now because of the opportunities we can give them and the way they are being raised.

[ExiledInIllinois]

8 minutes ago, KD in CA said:

 

Sounds like he's qualified to be President.  Maybe we can we get him into the next debate.   

 

 

Yeah, I get it...don't sacrifice your marriage for the kids and don't let them turn into spoiled brats.  Got it.  The wife and I do one couples trip a year.  Wish it was more often, but without any grandparents we do what we can and will make up for it when they head off to college.

 

But ya know, if you need to have all your focus on your spouse (or your softball team, or your job, or your mountain biking club), than it's simple --- don't have kids.  I know plenty of people who don't and it looks like they are having a great time.  So don't be afraid to go that route.   But if you do have kids, they are going to be a pretty central focus. That's the deal. The idea that kids are just going to sit there and speak only when spoken to isn't exactly realistic, nor is it how I want my kids to be raised.  I want my kids to have the balls and the smarts to be ready to face the world and kick ass, and that needs to start young. And that's what's happening now because of the opportunities we can give them and the way they are being raised.

Agree.

 

The highlighted part I think is all he really means, a little humility... The importance of youth knocked down a peg. Don't bill little Sally and Johnny as the best thing since sliced bread... It goes to the heads of youth and causes problems later.

 

[Gugny]

5 hours ago, ExiledInIllinois said:

Agree.

 

The highlighted part I think is all he really means, a little humility... The importance of youth knocked down a peg. Don't bill little Sally and Johnny as the best thing since sliced bread... It goes to the heads of youth and causes problems later.

 

 

So ... put them in their place and make sure they know their place.  'murica.

[ExiledInIllinois]

2 hours ago, Gugny said:

 

So ... put them in their place and make sure they know their place.  'murica.

Do you lay down the rules in your household?  @ job?  Then you already practice what you just posted! 

[Johnny Hammersticks]

8 hours ago, ExiledInIllinois said:

Agree.

 

The highlighted part I think is all he really means, a little humility... The importance of youth knocked down a peg. Don't bill little Sally and Johnny as the best thing since sliced bread... It goes to the heads of youth and causes problems later.

 

 

Know what?  You’ve changed my mind.  The little brat can find his own way to Stowe for his hockey game this Sunday.  I’m gonna sleep in and then get ready for football.  I need to live MY best life.  He’ll either figure it out or be knocking on doors begging for a hot shower in 15 years.  Self-important little prick that he’s become...?

[Gugny]

20 minutes ago, ExiledInIllinois said:

Do you lay down the rules in your household?  @ job?  Then you already practice what you just posted! 

 

I guide, teach, mentor whilst treating people with respect ... including my son.  You know why?  Because that's the way I want him to treat others.

 

"Because I said so," isn't my style.

[ExiledInIllinois]

6 minutes ago, Johnny Hammersticks said:

 

Know what?  You’ve changed my mind.  The little brat can find his own way to Stowe for his hockey game this Sunday.  I’m gonna sleep in and then get ready for football.  I need to live MY best life.  He’ll either figure it out or be knocking on doors begging for a hot shower in 15 years.  Self-important little prick that he’s become...?

Just saying...

 

Driving them places is not treating them like the next best thing since sliced bread. That ain't spoiling.

 

Way too much misplaced angst in this thread.  It's not all or nothing.

 

Rosemond always gets a rise out of people, for years now.

 

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

 

 

2 minutes ago, Gugny said:

 

I guide, teach, mentor whilst treating people with respect ... including my son.  You know why?  Because that's the way I want him to treat others.

 

"Because I said so," isn't my style.

+1.  Stay the course!

Edited December 11, 2019 by ExiledInIllinois

[ExiledInIllinois]

 

 

Also... @Gugny That's the way "you want him to treat others."  What if he doesn't?  

[Johnny Hammersticks]

1 hour ago, ExiledInIllinois said:

Just saying...

 

Driving them places is not treating them like the next best thing since sliced bread. That ain't spoiling.

 

Way too much misplaced angst in this thread.  It's not all or nothing.

 

Rosemond always gets a rise out of people, for years now.

 

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

 

Maybe I am spoiling him?  I choose to spend $2-3000 per year (and 15-20 hours per week of my time) for him to play hockey because he likes it.  I could just as well spend $35 on the registration fee for rec basketball and another $100 on a ball and a pair of basketball sneakers.  Tough titties little man...Daddy needs money for the car payment on my BMW.  Couldn’t I?  Believe me, there are a lot of things that I could spend that hockey money on.  Perhaps a Caribbean cruise for the wife and I?

 

My wife and I stopped after our 2nd child was born, and one of the main reasons for that was financial responsibility.  We wanted to be able to afford everything that our kids needed and wanted (within reason), and also have money for things we like to do.

 

What, exactly, do you think makes children spoiled?  Is it giving them all the material things?  Is it being a “bulldozer” parent and shielding then from any adversity in life?  Does it happen when you make their “activities” the center focus of your adult life?  What exactly does it mean for a child to be spoiled?  I think you need to be more specific.

[ExiledInIllinois]

28 minutes ago, Johnny Hammersticks said:

 

Maybe I am spoiling him?  I choose to spend $2-3000 per year (and 15-20 hours per week of my time) for him to play hockey because he likes it.  I could just as well spend $35 on the registration fee for rec basketball and another $100 on a ball and a pair of basketball sneakers.  Tough titties little man...Daddy needs money for the car payment on my BMW.  Couldn’t I?  Believe me, there are a lot of things that I could spend that hockey money on.  Perhaps a Caribbean cruise for the wife and I?

 

My wife and I stopped after our 2nd child was born, and one of the main reasons for that was financial responsibility.  We wanted to be able to afford everything that our kids needed and wanted (within reason), and also have money for things we like to do.

 

What, exactly, do you think makes children spoiled?  Is it giving them all the material things?  Is it being a “bulldozer” parent and shielding then from any adversity in life?  Does it happen when you make their “activities” the center focus of your adult life?  What exactly does it mean for a child to be spoiled?  I think you need to be more specific.

Bingo... Totally agree.

 

Same here... We never stepped foot in Europe... Son sent to Germany, daughter to Italy... Now, daughter is going to Spain in April.  Because they are top priority... But won't shield them from the daily brutality of life. My daughter is still only 17.  Son is 21. They don't think they are #1. But, they work... Their education, discipline... It's their job right now. Nothing is handed.  Tools are given

 

Spoiling them, IMO, is shielding them.  Not equipping them to dealing with life. Isolating them.  I refuse to do that.  Even if it means they are the minority in the situation.

 

Biggest thing?  Don't let them slip into addiction.  The material world goes hand in hand with addiction.  It's okay to give materially... But there has to be caveats.  No caveats with love.

 

I think some are confusing what Rosemond is saying.  

Edited December 11, 2019 by ExiledInIllinois

[Johnny Hammersticks]

8 minutes ago, ExiledInIllinois said:

Bingo... Totally agree.

 

Same here... We never stepped foot in Europe... Son sent to Germany, daughter to Italy... Now, daughter is going to Spain in April.  Because they are top priority... But won't shield them from the daily brutality of life. My daughter is still only 17.  Son is 21. They don't think they are #1. But, they work... Their education, discipline... It's their job right now. Nothing is handed.  Tools are given

 

Spoiling them, IMO, is shielding them.  Not equipping them to dealing with life. Isolating them.  I refuse to do that.  Even if it means they are the minority in the situation.

 

Biggest thing?  Don't let them slip into addiction.  The material world goes hand in hand with addiction.  It's okay to give materially... But there has to be caveats.  No caveats with love.

 

I think some are confusing what Rosemond is saying.  

 

I think what he is saying is that your kids need to know that Mom and Dad are the authority figures.  That is the central point of the article, no?  My kids know that Mom and Dad are boss, but I don’t rule over them with an iron fist.  I let them make mistakes and learn from them.  When they make poor choices, I make sure that they are held accountable and know why they are culpable for their actions.  I teach them to respect authority in general, but also when it’s appropriate to stand up against authority.

 

Im pretty much parent of the year according to this old fogey!  lmao

[ExiledInIllinois]

 

Spoiling is on their end.  It's how they react to the resources and tools made available to them.

1 minute ago, Johnny Hammersticks said:

 

I think what he is saying is that your kids need to know that Mom and Dad are the authority figures.  That is the central point of the article, no?  My kids know that Mom and Dad are boss, but I don’t rule over them with an iron fist.  I let them make mistakes and learn from them.  When they make poor choices, I make sure that they are held accountable and know why they are culpable for their actions.  I teach them to respect authority in general, but also when it’s appropriate to stand up against authority.

 

Im pretty much parent of the year according to this old fogey!  lmao

Nice!  Thanks! You're an old fogey to.  Over the hill.  

[Guffalo]

My thoughts are simple:  Give them the tools they need to suceeed, the basics like food, shelter and education. Encourage higher learning and if they aspire to higher education, help them as best you can. But I would never let them get between my wife and I. That is #1, Mom and Dad are a unit, not individual components.

 

2 of our 3 kids have degrees, one uses her degree and is doing well, the other with the degree is free spirited and conemplating buying a house now. I could help him, but am currently on the sideline letting him learn about the real world. He is finding that his choices to be unconventional have consequences. The other is struggling and finding that dropping out of school (against our wishes) also has consequences. We help when they absolutely need it, but do not give regular financial support, but are always available for moral support or to go through "what ifs" when they run into problems. 

 

We were raised with similar rules, I am middle of 5, my wife is middle child of 15 (thats not a typo). Both sets of parent gave us as much encouragement and guidance as possible and offerred higher education (up to a certain point) to allow us to excel, but we were not given any financial assistance outside of help with college. I didn't see Disney till I was in my 30's and only recently started to take trips outside of the country now that the kids are grown up. 

 

Bottom line, we are doing what our parents did, and we have mixed results, being a parent is tough as hell, but sometimes the kid has to learn on his own. 

[Gugny]

3 hours ago, ExiledInIllinois said:

 

 

Also... @Gugny That's the way "you want him to treat others."  What if he doesn't?  

 

He does.

[ExiledInIllinois]

14 minutes ago, Gugny said:

 

He does.

Of course he does.  I understand that

 

What if he doesn't want to? Do you force him.

 

FWIW... I agree with you.  You are doing a great job, more need to be like you.... BUT, you are still number #1 and he knows it, you raised him right. People are just humble enough not to have to ram down their kid's throat.

 

The trust lies in they won't cross you and needlessly rebel.  But, there is one thing that always changes the game: addiction.

 

Rosemond would have no problem with you.  You rule the roost.  Set limits.  Etc...

Edited December 11, 2019 by ExiledInIllinois

[teef]

This isn’t hard. I know it’s already been implied, but the kids are the priority in a family...you just don’t treat them as this or let them act like they are.  

[Johnny Hammersticks]

26 minutes ago, teef said:

This isn’t hard. I know it’s already been implied, but the kids are the priority in a family...you just don’t treat them as this or let them act like they are.  

 

Yeah, I think the whole point of the article is...well...duh!! ??

 

If your kids think they rule the roost, they are likely going to have tremendous issues in life.  Especially in dealing with authority figures.  If you as a parent allow them to be (or feel as though they are) in charge, you should be smacked in the forehead a few times with a piece of heavy mining equipment.

[Greybeard]

19 hours ago, Augie said:

 

The KIDS would get BMW’s delivered to the car line at school with giant bows on their 16th birthday. 

 

 

        This doesn't strike me as being about the kids.

[Augie]

3 hours ago, Greybeard said:

        This doesn't strike me as being about the kids.

 

Very good point, it’s mostly the parents showing off.  But it does affect the kids, and despite how happy it might make them in the moment, I don’t think it affects them in a good way in the long run.  

 

We had better all do a great job raising our kids, because eventually the roles will be reversed. The kids will be taking care of the parents. We are in that stage now where we are both guiding and taking care of our kids while also caring for our parents. We are down to just my mother now, who called me well before sunrise today. Call ended before I could get to it, but I called her right back to be sure everything was OK. She’s 92, and was just fine....but can’t seem to touch her phone without accidentally calling someone, usually me.  ?

 

I’m a bit tired today.......

 

.

Edited December 11, 2019 by Augie

[Guffalo]

2 minutes ago, Augie said:

 

We are down to just my mother now, who called me well before sunrise today. Call ended before I could get to it, but I called her right back to be sure everything was OK. She’s 92, and was just fine....but can’t seem to touch her phone without accidentally calling someone, usually me.  ?

 

I’m a bit tired today.......

 

We lost my Mother in Law last year, it may seem like an inconvenience to get those calls, but someday you will wish you could get just one more.