I liked the Steelers one too -
"Ben Roethlisberger, who is expected to retire at season’s end, now throws and runs like a great-uncle playing a pickup game at a backyard cookout after three I.P.A.s and two helpings of potato salad, and the Steelers’ offense looks like archival footage of a 1928 Pottsville Maroons-Dayton Triangles game played in a vacant lot during a downpour."