I'm sorry you're struggling. Truly. Anxiety, panic attacks, and depression are all looming over my shoulder. The problem with these issues is the fear of having any of these issues pop up. You can give yourself anxiety by fearing anxiety. You can start to experience panic by fearing the next panic attack.
I herniated my back a few years ago. It was the most pain I've ever been in. I was in a pool backpedaling as my daughter was trying to tag me (Marco Polo). My back tweeked and that moment changed my life.
Even before this happened, there were signs that something was just around the corner. I had some sciatic pain issues, my calf would spasm and some numbness in my toes. All of these things were just a little almost not noticeable...until the herniation was full on.
So it's been 4 years of living with a mainly numb left foot a weak back, leg cramps every night to the point now that I don't even wake up anymore. They become part of my dream and when I do wake up I can hardly walk because of the cramp. This all has really changed me.
So when I think of all of this ok tip of everything else we have to deal with in life, I've really gotten to a place of hopelessness. I'm scared to live and scared to die but living in constant pain reminds me of both. If that makes sense.