WhoTom

Picture yourself on a train in a station With Plasticine porters with looking glass ties Suddenly someone is there at the turnstile The girl with the kaleidoscope eyes Lucy in the sky with diamonds

My wife's late grandmother was ultra-religious (Methodist, teetotaler, WCTU - the whole nine yards) and also highly superstitious about certain things. She wouldn't adopt a black cat, refused to seat 13 people at a table, wouldn't walk under a ladder, etc. My mother-in--law (also very religious) once said, "I don't understand how a religious person could be so superstitious." Hmmmm....

I used to believe in astrology, but my personal psychic told me it was silly.

His mom's Twitter feed?

Fallon #DadQuotes:

Honey, you think KFC is still open?

Because there aren't enough stupid people in the world already?

The liver is the body's filter. Eating liver is about as appetizing as eating a cigarette butt.

No one knows what it's like To be the bad man To be the sad man Behind blue eyes No one knows what it's like To be hated To be fated To telling only lies

No, man, they got the metric system there, they wouldn't know what the **** a Quarter Pounder is.

Depends. Is it an African or a European Swallow?

Gee, I wish we had one of them doomsday machines.

I'm free I'm free And freedom tastes of reality I'm free I'm free And I'm waiting for you to follow me

Did they actually diss the Bills D, or did they simply not mention them?

I need some landscaping done.

Stick with the Bills but instead of going to one home game a year, go to one away game - when they play the Jets. Problem solved. Allegiance intact.

Me, when I see the word "pampered" in a football thread:

Monday morning you sure look fine Friday I got travelin' on my mind First you love me and then you fade away I can't go on believin' this way I got nothing but love for you Tell me what you really want to do First you love me, then you get on down the line But I don't mind, I don't mind, yeah

Yes. Any time before death. After 20 years of gradual balding, I finally took control and shaved my head last summer.

Makes sense, since the concussion is caused by the brain colliding with the inside of the skull. A soft helmet would act like the "crumple zone" in a car - it would absorb a lot of the impact and slow down the head's movement rather than bringing it to an abrupt stop.

Not if you're in the Super Bowl.

I ended up with the preacher, Full of lies and hate, I seemed to scare him a little So he showed me to the golden gate. Can you see the real me? Preacher? Preacher?

"I don't believe in Luck. It's all about preparation."

It's preseason. The announcers don't game-plan, and they just run a vanilla scheme from the booth.

Monday morning, I just got home Six and the birds are singing I need a drink and my clothes are wet Ooh, and my ears are still ringing There's a rock and roll singer boppin' on the TV He used to be a preacher, but now he sings in a major key