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Jokey game recap

Kelly the Dog

By Kelly the Dog
in The Stadium Wall Archives

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Kelly the Dog

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Every week I have to write some recap of last Sunday's game for a Bills Backers club to get fans fired up and come in for the next one, called Buzzed at Busby's. I've been known to drink a lot. It comes out on Thursdays and the problem is, everything has already been said about last week's game.

 

So I just joke and juke my way through it and have a little fun. Most folks enjoy the trifles and I have posted some here before, but I just had to write this week's edition and here it is...

 

J-E-T-S JOKE! JOKE! JOKE!

 

LLLLLLLLLLLet's get ready to FUMBBBBBBBLLLLLLEEEEEE!!!!!!

 

The 2017 edition of the Buffalo Bills opened their season and the Sean McDermott/Brandon Beane new era last Sunday at New Era Field with a 21-12 laugher against something resembling, or at least called, the New York Jets.

 

It wasn't really as close as the nine point win would indicate. The comical Jests never really looked like an NFL team, and were such a bunch of no names, their captains went to the middle of the field before the game for the coin toss, shook hands and introduced themselves to each other, not the Bills' captains.

 

So while the Jests were beclowning themselves, it was extremely difficult to know much more about our new no nonsense Bills than we did before this lunacy.

 

But they all count in the standings - and after the Thursday Night shocker with the Chiefs depantsing the Cheaters by two scores - and the Miami Blowholes having to cancel their opener because their crappy city blew so much wind - the 1-0 Bills find themselves alone atop the AFC East for the first time since many of you were born.

 

And while, sure, the New York Prop Planes were led by something named Eric Tomlinson at tight end, who looked less of an athlete than your tenth grade shop teacher, and one of the slapstick McClown Brothers at quarterback, Nosh or Posh, I can't remember which, the Bills workmanlike effort got them off to a nice start under their disciplined new coach.

 

Sean McDermott instantly wowed Bills owners Terry and Kim Pegula by being everything that Rex Ryan was not: No nonsense, organized, methodical and malnourished. The Pegulas so desperately wanted to get rid of the stench the Ryan Brothers Barman and Baileys Circus left in the city that they brought in a new young disciplined GM/Coach tandem to run the Sabres, too.

 

For his part, Opie McDermott had the team well prepared. They were charged with few penalties. There was only one false start, offsides or neutral zone infraction. Leslie Frazier and Rico Dennison implemented much more simple schemes, got the calls in early, and the players lined up in position. Next to no missed assignments.

 

Hell, Marcel Dareus even got to the game on time, although he was Marcel Marceau on the stat sheet.

 

It was worth the price of admission just to see the linebackers facing the offense when the ball was snapped rather than each other or the sidelines. The team kept their wits and their assorted hotheads cool. No unnecessary roughing calls or fights after the whistle that have plagued the team for this century.

 

Even Jerry Hughes, the Ichabod Crane of losing his head, may win a Nobel Peace Prize this season by buying into what McD is selling.

 

And while each paragraph of this report could start with, "It was only the Jets, but..." The Tyrod Taylor made Bills offense was efficient and moved up and down the field, amassing 408 yards, good for third best in the league, while all but sitting out the fourth quarter and smirking.

 

Shady McCoy, the real slim shady, juked the Jests out of their jocks for 110 yards on the ground and 49 more on five catches including a filthy 21 yard screen pass where McCoy (literally) single-handedly faked out and ran by the entire groan green defense. Mike Tolbert came in relief of Shady, smashmouthed his way for a few clutch first downs and a short TD faceplant, just for ***** and giggles.

 

Taylor spread the ball around in the short West Coast passing game, looked early and often to Charles Hands of Clay, who dropped a slightly difficult but sure TD pass and a couple others, but also made Jet defenders chase after him like Claymation characters the rest of the afternoon, and finished as the top Bills receiver.

 

The new wideouts, Jordan Matthews and Zay Jones, were mostly wipeouts, although JMatt had a nice catch and run that showed off his considerable skills. The new WR3 Andre Holmes had an easy touchdown catch from the one, on a simply gorgeous call and well designed play by Rick Dennison. The lack of speed, however, by the WR group was evident all afternoon. They get less separation than that weird couple at the mall that can't keep their hands off each other.

 

On defense, too, the team represented their coach. Disciplined, bend but don't break, no frills. And got the job done. The all new defensive backfield was downright serious, with Jordan Poyer doing literally everything you would want from a safety, making an INT, a couple pass breakups, a QB hurry, a sack, a few timely tackles, and looked prettier back there than Rachel Bush.

 

Highly touted FA acquisition Micah Hyde iced the game with a cool late INT himself. Top pick Tre White was Mr. Clean at corner, and the new EJ Don't Call Me Manuel Gaines, won the starting corner job in camp and won the fans over who were still sore at Sammy Watkins and Ronald Darby traded away.

 

The defensive line grounded the Jets to a measly 38 yards rushing and only 30 inches per carry. The linebackers, led by Nabokov's Humber Humber, were clingy tacklers and stingy on coverage, outside of a few harmless shorties over the middle.

 

The defense ranked second in the league in yards against, although, of course, these were the Jests.

 

So while no one nationally will give these upstart Bills any credit for beating a high school team, the first real test comes this coming week as Beanie and Cecil travel back to their North Carolina proving grounds where the Bills will face Cam Newton, Luke Kuechly, the Carolina Panthers and their redneck fans.

 

It should be a hoot.

 

But these big cats are no laughing matter.

 

So come on down to the madhouse on Santa Monica this Sunday for cold beer, adult beverages, free spicy wings at halftime, or the joke's on you. Time to get serious.

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