Assuming you locate in an area where the smoking Nazis can't impose their selfish will on a free public using a legal (and obscenely taxed) product, I will be your Resident Barfly. Witty, punny, earthy yet urbane, bad teeth but winning smile, pleasingly homely, well-read yet not condescending, able to genuinely enjoy conversation with all walks of life, able to mimic without insult any and all ethnicity or national origin, etc.
The position of Resident Barfly is a sacred endeavor. I will increase your trade. In exchange, I expect a minimum of 3 free cheap beers per attendance.