I'd be played by the most underrated actor of all time, Dolph Lundgren.
The movie would be me (Dolph) as a police officer chasing down Hossage (played by Danny DeVito) after he commits unspeakable crimes against Dakota Fanning (as herself).
There's also a love story with me and a sexy DNA lab tech (Scarlett Johansson). The film is basically crime fighting, full penetration, crime fighting, full penetration, and then it just sorta...ends.