Just for kicks--Scout yourself

[Cugalabanza]

gringo starr WR

SUNY Geneseo

Age: 38

5' 8.5"

175 lbs.

5.4 40yd

13.5" vert

6.5" broad

 

PRO

SUNY Geneseo does not have an organized football program but on the playground, gringo demonstrates good hands and the ability for yards after the catch, especially against co-ed competition. Willing to play injured, drunk, whatever it takes, for no pay whatsoever. Showed mediocre athleticism in intramural broomball.

 

CON

Lacks speed, strength, overall fitness, knowledge of the pro game and would probably need help even putting his uniform and equipment on. Even against low level competition, has been known to intentionally allow himself to be gang tackled by girls instead of fighting for additional yardage, simply because he seems to enjoy it.

 

SUMMARY

gringo posseses an inexplicable loyalty to the Buffalo Bills organization and would refuse to even play for any other NFL team. His raw enthusiasm might be enough for him to make a contribution on special teams, where his clumsiness and natural ability to run into people could conceivably cause fumbles in kick coverage.

 

PROJECTION

Walk on. Fractured ankle first day of tryouts.

[Armchair GM]

Armchair GM, QB

Medaille

Age: 30

6' 3"

250 lbs.

4.6 40yd (in HS at 195 lbs.)

DNP vert

DNP broad

 

PRO

Medaille does not have an organized football program but in high school and sand lot games, GM displayed a tremendous deep ball, goes though his progressions quickly (usually in a 2 WR set), and is tuff as an overcooked steak. Is willing to play for the current rate of pay at his present employer.

 

CON

Refuses to slide or throw the ball away, can't seem to get out of his own beer gut's way, is easily distracted by hot cheerleaders. (he should be ok on that last one here in Buffalo though.)

 

SUMMARY

Like Gringo, GM posseses an inexplicable loyalty to the Buffalo Bills organization and would refuse to even play for any other NFL team. He may be the first QB ever to make an impact on special teams as his "favorite thing to do is run full speed and smash a mother !@#%*$."

 

PROJECTION

Walk on. Severe concussion in first 30 seconds of his short lived career.

[Thoner7]

Thoner7, Utility

Sideline to Sideline

Age: 21

6' 1"

200 lbs.

4.7 40yd

9.5"

DNP broad

 

PRO

Has shown the ability to attempt to play all 22 positions with remarkable heart and desire, but has no right playing any of said positions. Lack of production however is a concern, as is the fact he has no true position. Can also punt and kick not very far or accuratly. can throw a tight spiral however.

 

CON

If drafted by Buffalo, he will be coached by Dick Jauron

 

SUMMARY

Un-like Gringo and GM, Thoner7 would welcome playing for any team in the AFC East. While he posseses an inexplicable loyalty to the Buffalo Bills organization, his participation for the other three AFC East teams would be purely "JP-Esq". That is -- play so terriblely you actually help your oppenent (Buffalo) to victory. Has shown the ability to whether countless losing seasons and never give up hope.

 

PROJECTION

Mel Kiper Jr. - "Thoner7 is a bit a tweener with no true position. With that, he should not ever be signed to an NFL roster above the position of water boy. However, inside sources at OBD have informed me that Thoner7will be the #11 pick in this years draft. I am told he will play DB. Ralph Wilson, owner of the Bills, agreed to the pick when Thoner7 admitted he would pay Ralph to allow him on the sideline for games, and pay his own way to away games. Coach Jauron was sold at DB."

[San Jose Bills Fan]

Know-it-all, Wide Receiver

Buff State (BS College) with a Bachelor of Sciences (BS) in Television Broadcasting Sciences (BS)

Age: 48

5'9"

150 lbs.

5.75

vert: N/A

broad: N/A

bench press: 39 reps (at 22.5 lbs)

Wonderlich: 48 (estimated)

 

PROS: good initial (half step) burst, understands leverage and cover schemes, can find soft spots in zone coverage and people's psyches, is a willing blocker, rarely drops beers, good general awareness (of trouble and how to avoid it), coachable, no character issues (that can be proven without an inexpensive background check), plucks the ball, will fight for ball in tight coverage (with his 6 year old nephew), responds well to criticism with witty one-liners

 

CONS: lack of elite speed, quickness, intelligence, toughness. Lack of established productivity (might be a one-hour wonder), believes that he's smarter than Steely Dan, Magox, The Dean, Leonidas McKelvin (but isn't)

 

PROJECTION: A Scooby or Senator caliber player. Like the aforementioned will have some value as a fill poster and occasional original poster but lacks the game to consistently make solid contributions at the pro level.

[Nightcrawler]

Position: Career Special Team Player, 3rd String Water Boy

School: BYU

From: Long Island, New York

Age: 29

5'9

165

4.4 (No one will believe me except close friends)

DNP: Vert

DNP: Broad

Bench: 180, once (on a really strong day)

 

PRO

Top tackler in junior high on his flag football team. Nightcrawler possessed the ability to snatch colored flags from his opponents even when they "flag guarded." Once watched Donte Stallworth play a high school game. Also, played pickup games in the backyard of a good friend that started a game in the NFL at quarterback for the Carolina Panters. (Randy Fasani) Has excellent ability to read plays. Nightcrawler once held his best friend to 7 points in Tecmo Bowl by only allowing video game-generated Bo Jackson to score one touchdown. Commanding the N.Y. Giants defense, Nightcrawler directed Lawrence Taylor to block the only extra point of the game and literally shut down Jackson's elite speed on the Tecmo field. Good character guy. Buffalo looks for these type of players! Said one scout, "Nightcrawler is the 165 lb version of Chris Kelsay. He's blue-collar, gritty, hardworking, a leader, and has a great attitude."

 

CON

Having only played at the collegiate intramural flag football level, Nightcrawler does not have experience playing in any offensive or defensive scheme. Much like James Hardy, Nightcrawler has no route running experience. Although he believes he would score high on the Wonderlic exam, Nightcrawler is probably like Ryan Fitzpatrick, smart but not able to make the transition to the actual field. Generously listed at 165 lbs and 5'9, Nightcrawler's tackling ability has been compared to other smash mouth tacklers such as Deion Sanders. Although born in New York, Nightcrawler grew up in Northern California. He's played in only one pickup game in temperatures below 50 degrees. His lack of cold weather playing experience would make it tough for him to transition to Buffalo's weather.

 

 

SUMMARY

Nightcrawler is more than a project. He's elite speed will warrant him consideration for running and getting cups of water to other players on the team. His positive attitude and willingness to give his best effort may give him a shot of finding his niche on special teams when Buffalo is down by 4 touchdowns or more in the final quarter. A paperweight, Nightcrawler could benefit from being in any weight room.

 

PROJECTION

No invitation for special teams. Positive attitude warrants a position as 3rd string water boy with 2nd string upside potential.

[Captain Quint]

Captain Quint - RB

Navy

Age: 57

Ht: 5'10

Wt: 205

40yd: 5.70

Vert: said he "doesn't jump for anyone"

Broad: See above

 

PROS: Grit; good fisherman

 

CONS: Severely out of shape and preoccupied at the combine; he showed up to his pro day late, reaking of whiskey, and didn't compete in any of the drills. He said he would do an interview, but even that was "pushing it"; Lack of football knowledge; Lack of interest in learning or anything not having to do with sharking;

 

SUMMARY: Quint, although possessing strong leadership capabilities, would be a reach at any level of the draft. His body has been reduced to an atrophied mess after a life filled with alcoholism and boating.

 

PROJECTION: Rd 2, Raiders

[Leonidas]

This comes almost direct from my short semi-pro career:

 

Leonidas.McKelvin K, WR, QB

University of Connecticut

Age: 26

6'0" 205 lbs.

40 yard dash: 5.1 ('07)

bench (reps at 225): 0

broad jump: 7"6' ('04) - this number could be wrong, I'm just pulling from the top of my head here

vertical leap: 28" ('04) - same with this number

cone/shuttle: honestly I can't remember

 

PRO

Versatile, understands how the game is played. Projects as a better coach than a player. Can play WR in a pinch and has excellent hands. Not afraid to get in the trenches and block when asked, and holds his own against CB's. Kicks a decent ball. Good enough to be an emergency QB a la Troy Brown. Can throw your slants, curls, ins and quick outs, elusive enough not take sacks. Good speed for a QB and can use his legs to make plays. Has the ability to recognize defenses and has the potential to learn more. Not afraid to call audibles at the line of scrimmage.

 

CON

Kicks barefoot. Seriously. Accuracy a concern and can get rattled after a miss. Distance maxes out at about 45 yards on a good day. Durability a serious concern with ACL surgery in '97, liver laceration surgery in '06 (like Bo Scaife), spine surgery in '08 (like Josh Reed). When playing WR will get overpowered - and generally flattened - when trying to block LB's with any sort of momentum. Routes are not crisp enough, does not have the speed to get deep or beat DB's one-on-one. Should only play QB in an emergency - does not have the arm strength to get the ball down the field more than 40 yards. Tends to be skittish in the pocket and frequently does not go through all his progressions.

 

SUMMARY

UDFA. If he makes a camp he will certainly hold out to be the highest paid player at his position, regardless of his actual skill. He will promptly be put on the PUP list and never heard from again.

[thebandit27]

Bandit, SS

University at Buffalo

Age: 28

Height: 5'8"

Weight: 185 lbs (11% BF)

Bench Press: 8 reps at 225 lbs

40-yd dash time: 5.0 seconds

 

PROS

 

Has a thick upper body (including skull) and is strong through the shoulders...is extremely competitive and loves to hit...makes people laugh all the time, only it's not always intentional...elite level tailgater.

 

 

CONS

 

Tends to drink heavily and pass out...has past injury concerns (broken back in '95)...is terrible in pursuit and not a sound tackler...loses focus at times and fails to stick with his man...eats way too much pizza and mighty taco for a guy that's supposed to be a football player

 

SUMMARY

 

He's a guy that can't really help your football team on the field at all, in any way, whatsoever. He's got a great working knowledge of the game, but it doesn't seem to translate well to the field. Any team that takes a chance on him has their work cut out for them.

 

PROJECTION

 

UDFA

[oddoublee]

oddoublee, armchair

SUNY Buffalo St

Age: 28

Height: 5'4"

Weight: 145 lbs

Bench Press: Own weight, 2.5 times

40-yd dash time: projected 6+

 

PROS-

 

none

 

CONS-

 

Borderline Midget and alcoholic.

 

SUMMARY-

 

While holding out hope to play for the Bills, Oddoublee is fully aware from past draft blunders by the Jets, he will most likely be taken by them no later than the 3rd round. He will immidiately provide no impact.

[stuckincincy]

stuckincincy:

 

Position: Kickoff Holder.

 

PRO: A Class "A" wag. Non-stop puns crack up and inspire the clubhouse.

 

CON: Snot who tosses out obscure words whenever opportunity presents. Predilection towards delivering internet shiners using big words. Angers people via irritating superior attitude.

 

SUMMARY: Summers in Italy. North, not South.

[San Jose Bills Fan]

Thanks Gringo for assembling this group of misfits. We'd be a terrible football team but the postgame press conferences would be a scream.

[Cookiemonster]

Cookiemonster:The whole freakin line

Keebler College

Age:Unknown

5'1" Somewhere around 800 Lb.'s

40 Yard Dash:Forget about it

Broad Jump:My feet have never left the ground

Vertical Jump:Ditto above

 

Pros:Can do a box of oreo double stuffs in under 4.3, and is as equally impressive on the Lorna Doones.

Can beat the crap out of Big Bird, although may struggle some with Oscar, once put the count in a

head lock. Could tutor other players on the team, playbook, how to stay out of touble, etc..

Will play for just a little dough. They through the mold away after they made me. May improve team spirit

by holding impromptu pep rallies.

 

Cons:Not sure a standard, even NFL standard, uniform will fit me.Could possibly be a distraction to other players

on the team,as I might cause flashbacks to their childhood days. May cause a shortage of confectionary delights

at the team dinners. May have some trouble with Billy the Buffalo, and other gay mascots. Could possibly be

distracted by other teams opposite sex mascots. Are there any of those? May go after elves in hollow trees.

Would probably crumble on the first jack up.

 

Projection:Will be luck to make the fist cut. Just not cut out for the NFL, but just might stick around, as I may just

Pan Out.

[MartyBall4Buffalo]

Basic Info:

 

SIEVE THE HIGH MOTOR DEACON

 

Passaic County Community College

 

Age: 25

Height: 6 feet

Weight: 237lbs

 

Combine drills: Actually particpated in these things at the end of highschool years back

 

40: 4.9

bench (reps at 225): 9

broad jump: 7.2

vertical leap: 20"

cone/shuttle: don't recall

 

Pro: Team leader, football smart, knows the basic's of the game inside and out. Knows where to be on the field at all times. After his playing career, has the potential to go into coaching, or be a front office man. Constantly asks questions, to brush up on area's he is unsure of, so he doesn't make mistakes. Plays with a mean streak. Competative by nature, and demands the most out of himself and his teammates. Is like a coach on the field. Is a quality athlete, having played in football,hockey,baseball, and wrestling. Shows up and does his job.

 

Cons: Likes to think he's too smart for his own good. Can see right through coach speak. Confident, bordering on cocky. Motor runs hot and cold. May not have a true position. Played lb/de, and lacks the long arms needed to play defensive end, and the coverage skills needed to play olb. Initalizes good hand pop and can get the edge, doesn't have much in the way of pass rush moves, and can be easily ridden out

 

Summary: All in All SIEVE is a good young man. He is a good presence in the locker room capable of keeping his teammates loose and entertained. His knees aren't what they once were, and could be a lingering problem moving forward. He hates losing with so much of a passion, that it can become detrimental to his psyche. Is known to party too hard at times. Loves the game though, and strives to be the best at his given position. Willing to help out in any capacity

 

Projection: Injury Risk UDFA Defensive End/3-4 olb with some upside potential

[Cornerville]

Circle Of Trust

 

DT

 

Height: 6'4

Weight: Think Ted Washington, but getting trimmer by the week

 

40: 4.8 days?

bench (reps at 225): 19

broad jump: maybe an inch or two

vertical leap: 3" enough to get to the fridge

cone/shuttle: wait, I can take a shuttle to practice?!?!

 

PROS: Large enough to clog the middle so the LB's can roam free and make plays, agile enough to get around OL's to get to the QB. Brute strength. At 35, a savvy veteran who has suffered enough as a Bills fan to be very motivated to succeed. Plus, with my name, I will bring a smile to the 'powers that be' at One Bills Drive.

 

CONS: Age and durability will be a factor, name has changed three times might be an issue in that will he be dedicated to the team, plus Roger Goodell might not like that so much for jersey sales.

 

SUMMARY: A team first guy, who always has the Inner Circle close to his heart. Will play for the league minimum, which is music to Ralph's ears at his tender age of 90 as money is the primary objective for the Buffalo Bills.

 

PROJECTION: A situational NT/DT who will be out of the game on 3rd downs. A company first man that Russ yearns for.

[NyQuil]

NyQuil

University at Buffalo

Age 27

 

Pass Catching TE

 

Height: 5'11"

Weight 215

 

40: Wait we get to play Edward FortyHands?

Bench: I'll keep it warm.

Vertical Leap: 20 feet when a football almost hit my Dodge Spirit, two feet the rest of the time.

Cone/Shuttle: I was sleeping.

 

PROS: A slow TE who will get pushed over by any defensive lineman bursting through. This leaves him open for short dump passes if the quarterback is too scared to throw further than 10 yards. Makes up for lack of size and skill with grit and humorous costumes in post game interviews.

 

CONS: Can often be found tailgating before the game. At 27 may be too old to teach the game since he has never played organized football. Durability may be a concern.

 

SUMMARY: He fills a need for the Bills as a potentional playmaking TE. Will play for league minimum.

 

PROJECTION: Russ Brandon and the brain trust feel he has more upside than Robert Royal. A second round pick.

[JoeF]

JoeF

Marietta College (Marietta, OH)

Age 48

 

Punt Catcher

 

Height: 5'7"

Weight 160lbs

 

40: Stopwatch ceased working

Bench: Yes

Vertical Leap: Shoes glued to ground

Cone/Shuttle: Likes ice cream cones and has no desire to travel in the space shuttle

 

PROS: Talks his way out of speeding tickets with regular frequency. Nice smile. Easy to maintain--due to baldness. Funny laugh. Loves his kids. Never been tasered. Will work for training table. Shows some leadership ability. Reliable.

 

CONS: Often irritable. Described as an SOB sometimes. A little low character at times. Possible underachiever. The kind of guy who may shirk it a bit after a pay day.

 

SUMMARY: Non-descript. Shows some proclivity to loyalty. Nothing special but always shows up.

 

PROJECTION: Perfect candidate for Mr. Irrelevant but with his luck the Bills draft him with a 7th rounder acquired in the Tim Graham-Chris Brown trade.

[MaineMoxie]

MaineMoxie RB/FS

University at Buffalo

Age: 35

5' 7.5"

160 lbs.

Once ran an 11.1 second split on the first leg of a 4x100 relay in HS. Yep. That's about it. Oh, and studied the dynamics of a moving football as a senior project in college (mechanical engineering).

 

PRO

In full tackle, no pads games in high school, would frequently resort to tripping opposing players, especially the ones twice his size. Was known to wrap himself around a few people's legs in an effort at tackling them. While not terribly fast in a sprint, is very quick and light on his feet if alcohol consumption is kept to a minimum. As a physicist, mathematician, and engineer, could calculate optimal plays. Is extremely loyal. Like a dog. Sort of.

 

CON

Can be a little gassy at times, especially after feeding on beans. Is a physicist, mathematician, and engineer. Would you really want one of any of these on your team?

 

SUMMARY

MaineMoxie bleeds all things Buffalo. Has dutifully indoctrinated his children into the Bills religion. Shells out insane amounts of money to pay for the extortion that is NFL Sunday Ticket solely for the purpose of watching his Bills lose heartbreaking games. Did we mention he's a sadomasochist?

 

PROJECTION

Don't underestimate his complete insanity. Insane people are dangerous. That can be both good and bad.

[BuffaloBill]

Buffalo Bill

Niagara U / Cornell

Age 44

5' 10"

179.5 Lbs

Once bench pressed 220 Ounces 5 times

40 - detoured to get a beer after 20 and did not finish

Verticle - able to jump beer bottles in a single bound

Long jump -fell face first into the sand pit - assumed to be intoxicated

 

Cheerleader Liaison / Kicker

 

Pro

Is a low character player. Likely to be arrested before he gets to camp and will be in jail for much of the preseason. He is an ideal player for Buffalo though as he will accept a contract for peanuts and does not mind a losing atmosphere. Likely to impress Dick Jauron as he will work hard in practice and is a tough, football guy. He lost one nut in a bizzare bicycle accident.

 

Cons

Absolutely no athletic ability. During the game he is likely to be busy oogling the cheerleaders. Will not study the playbook. Likely to hold out for a better contract and will become fatter and lazier once he signs the mega contract.

 

Summary

A loser that will play for cheap. May leave sidelines during the game to go get beers for the guys.

 

Projection

Number 11 in the 2009 draft class.

 

 

BTW this is one of the best threads ever!!! I have laughed my azz off reading the posts.

[San Jose Bills Fan]

Cheerleader liaison huh BuffaloBill? I guess that means you get to conduct the tryouts. Damn you.

 

p.s.-Let me know if you need help with the tryouts.

[extrahammer]

Height: 5'8

Weight: 185

Bench: 505lbs

Squat: 800lbs

40 time: 4.12 (unofficial)

Vertical: 37.4 inches (unofficial)

 

Pros: Hard worker, motivated, leader, understands the game. Shows up early. Aced the Wonderlic.

 

Cons: Missed a practice to go on a date with Megan Fox and Elisha Cuthbert at the same time. Took 20 Bills fans to Las Vegas the day after signing a $30 million contract. Lost $30 million in Las Vegas. Had to live in a treehouse in The Dean's backyard.

 

Diet is a bit out of whack, think Urlacher hits hard? Try putting down a box of krispy kreme or buffalo wings in front of this player...

 

Too flashy, big ego, self-centered.

 

Sue me.