RuntheDamnBall Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Fellow Bills fans, I would like your advice. I have been asked to be best man for a friend's wedding in a rather exotic (and hence expensive) location, and I feel obligated to go, but this is going to really break the bank for me and my wife to the tune of 2 grand for a weekend (4-5 days), when we already had been hoping to take another relatively distant vacation (we definitely don't make enough to take 2 trips of this scale in a year). A lot of our friends are thinking the same thing and many, if not most, will not make the trip. My position obviously makes it a lot more difficult to say no. I don't really know what to tell my friend. I have been looking at cheaper places to stay and any way possible to reduce my flight costs, but I am not sure that it looks too good. In addition, the friend will be expecting a decent bachelor party and the early spring date of this wedding kind of nixes any really interesting sports ideas. He is also a Bills nut. We both live in NYC. For the record, my wife and I had a hometown outdoor wedding in WNY that was elegant but not ridiculous, and we put up all of the wedding party (including this friend) and their S/O's at some of my parents' nicely done rental properties. Obviously, I am not expecting full hotel money to be put up for me, but I am still a little peeved about it. I can get into real details in PM mode, I just wanted to air it out and see what people might suggest here. Thanks in advance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puhonix Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 First thought, the Bachelor party does not need to be near the wedding date. Pick sometime before and do your football thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jad1 Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 First thought, the Bachelor party does not need to be near the wedding date. Pick sometime before and do your football thing. 390611[/snapback] Knock up your wife. That way she won't be able to travel when the wedding rolls around, and you won't want to leave her on her own that close to her due date. Works every time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RuntheDamnBall Posted July 26, 2005 Author Share Posted July 26, 2005 First thought, the Bachelor party does not need to be near the wedding date. Pick sometime before and do your football thing. 390611[/snapback] Good point. However, I'd feel a lot better about flying home and paying for his and my Bills and JetBlue tix if I wasn't already throwing down a ton for the wedding. Plus that would mean at least $200 a person for the bachelor party. Honest question, is that a reasonable expectation? (No sarcasm intended.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CoachChuckDickerson Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 I was married in an expensive and exotic location as well. My wife and I understood the expense factor and chose not to invite anybody. We had the entire ceremony professionally taped and had a reception when we got back to the States. Showed the tape there and everybody had a blast. I fuggin hate people who pull junk like your buddy did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plenzmd1 Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Fellow Bills fans, I would like your advice. I have been asked to be best man for a friend's wedding in a rather exotic (and hence expensive) location, and I feel obligated to go, but this is going to really break the bank for me and my wife to the tune of 2 grand for a weekend (4-5 days), when we already had been hoping to take another relatively distant vacation (we definitely don't make enough to take 2 trips of this scale in a year). A lot of our friends are thinking the same thing and many, if not most, will not make the trip. My position obviously makes it a lot more difficult to say no. I don't really know what to tell my friend. I have been looking at cheaper places to stay and any way possible to reduce my flight costs, but I am not sure that it looks too good. In addition, the friend will be expecting a decent bachelor party and the early spring date of this wedding kind of nixes any really interesting sports ideas. He is also a Bills nut. We both live in NYC. For the record, my wife and I had a hometown outdoor wedding in WNY that was elegant but not ridiculous, and we put up all of the wedding party (including this friend) and their S/O's at some of my parents' nicely done rental properties. Obviously, I am not expecting full hotel money to be put up for me, but I am still a little peeved about it. I can get into real details in PM mode, I just wanted to air it out and see what people might suggest here. Thanks in advance. 390609[/snapback] Dude, if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. And I would tell him this sonner rather than later. Let me tell you, they knew when they chose to get married where everyone would have to travel that a great majority of people would not make the trip. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rubes Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Why not tell him? If he's that close of a buddy, he'll understand that it's a financial hardship for you and others, and maybe he'll offer to help out. Personally, I think the whole wedding thing is ridiculous, at least with regards to the wedding party. There are so many expectations placed on these people at the whim of the bride and groom it's ridiculous, particularly when you consider how much money most of those expectations cost. Your friend has decided to have one of the most expensive wedding options for those in the wedding party, which to me is asking more than a person should. If it's that important to them, they should offer to help out with the costs. If not, tell him you're sorry but it's just too expensive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MadBuffaloDisease Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Why not tell him? If he's that close of a buddy, he'll understand that it's a financial hardship for you and others, and maybe he'll offer to help out. Personally, I think the whole wedding thing is ridiculous, at least with regards to the wedding party. There are so many expectations placed on these people at the whim of the bride and groom it's ridiculous, particularly when you consider how much money most of those expectations cost. Your friend has decided to have one of the most expensive wedding options for those in the wedding party, which to me is asking more than a person should. If it's that important to them, they should offer to help out with the costs. If not, tell him you're sorry but it's just too expensive. Ditto. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaska Darin Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 I'm sorry but that's pretty damn selfish, even in the age of damn selfishness. I've never understood the rationale behind breaking the bank on a wedding when most marriages end up strugging early on because the couple doesn't have enough money. Tell your buddy to look in his closet for the sense God gave him. It's probably under his "Friendship for Dummies" book, which is obviously collecting dust. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuckincincy Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Fellow Bills fans, I would like your advice. I have been asked to be best man for a friend's wedding in a rather exotic (and hence expensive) location... Thanks in advance. 390609[/snapback] Tell him thanks for the honor, effusively, but simply say you can't afford the trip. The outcomes are: 1) the groom understands, and hopefully thanks you anyway. 2) The groom ponies up the money - unlikely - but if so, let him book the flight and accomodations. Don't fall for promises of reimbursment. Don't. 3) He starts to spurt garbage such as "I depended on you...what kind of a friend are you!! etc. Well, then you have gained some education. Wish them well and walk away, slowly shaking your head. Sometimes, folks who are bethrothed think they are truly God's gift to the universe and can't understand why all others don't do all they say, and are not above attempting the use of guilt to get others to lick their feet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erynthered Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Fellow Bills fans, I would like your advice. I have been asked to be best man for a friend's wedding in a rather exotic (and hence expensive) location, and I feel obligated to go, but this is going to really break the bank for me and my wife to the tune of 2 grand for a weekend (4-5 days), when we already had been hoping to take another relatively distant vacation (we definitely don't make enough to take 2 trips of this scale in a year). A lot of our friends are thinking the same thing and many, if not most, will not make the trip. My position obviously makes it a lot more difficult to say no. I don't really know what to tell my friend. I have been looking at cheaper places to stay and any way possible to reduce my flight costs, but I am not sure that it looks too good. In addition, the friend will be expecting a decent bachelor party and the early spring date of this wedding kind of nixes any really interesting sports ideas. He is also a Bills nut. We both live in NYC. For the record, my wife and I had a hometown outdoor wedding in WNY that was elegant but not ridiculous, and we put up all of the wedding party (including this friend) and their S/O's at some of my parents' nicely done rental properties. Obviously, I am not expecting full hotel money to be put up for me, but I am still a little peeved about it. I can get into real details in PM mode, I just wanted to air it out and see what people might suggest here. Thanks in advance. 390609[/snapback] Tell him. I had the same thing happen to me quite a few years ago. My friend (who was my best man in my wedding ) calls me up at 2 AM one morning and says he's flying to Vegas in the morning to get married, I said thats great, (somewhat peeved he called so late) He said I want you to be the best man. I told him right then I couldnt afford the trip, and that I was sorry I couldnt be there for him. He said " I'm buying" I said "What times the flight" What a blast Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Surfmeister Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 This seems simple to me. You both live in NYC. If he had the wedding in NYC this would be a no-brainer. You could be the best man, attend the wedding with your wife, give him a gift and still not put a significant dent in your bank account. Then you could drive home at night after a fun day. The twister is the exotic/expensive location. That is going to set you back thousands of dollars. I have done this before and it hasn’t been worth it. To spend thousands of dollars just to get there is one heck of a wedding gift right there. Then to buy a gift on top of that and maybe throw the bachelor party is just too much. If this guy really wants you as his best man, and really wants to have it in the far away place, he’ll need to pay for your whole trip. It isn’t that you don’t want to do it. It’s just a matter of cash. Here is your solution. Other people are finding this way too expensive too. I suggest you side with them. Meet your friend in person. Tell him he’s a great guy but if he wants to go to the exotic location to save that for the honeymoon. Have the wedding in NYC and then fly to Tahiti knowing his friends still have a few bucks in the bank. If he can’t/won’t do that you’ll have to tell him you can’t make it. I know this has put you in a jam. Jobs and friends come and go. But remember YOUR family is forever and the vacation you planned to take with them has to happen. That’s my 2 cents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussiew Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 My son did that too. Got married at Sandles in Jamaica because the "wedding" would be free!!! Of course it's free in an all inclusive resort. And they were planning on taking their honeymoon there anyway. What a load of crap. We tried for months to talk them out of it but they wouldn't budge. Everyone who went had to pay around $2k each for air and hotel. I had to pay for myself and two of my kids to go because they didn't have any money and didn't want to miss their brother's wedding. My married daughter couldn't go because her husband didn't want to spend the money. It was hearbreaking. So us being there was their wedding gift. I threw $5,500 on my Visa card to spend five days in Jamaica with my grown children (how romantic ) Just tell your friend that you really can't afford it and give them a nice wedding gift when you go over to see the video after they return. If you need to choose, a vacation with your wife would be a much better investment long term. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reuben Gant Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Say... Dear Buddy, I am honored that you chose me to be your best man, but the costs are proving to be a hardship that I can't afford. I think you should choose somebody else as your best man that can afford to go. When he seems really bummed, offer to throw him a bachelor party send-off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kent14 Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 My wedding is in three weeks in the thousand islands. Since most of the people that are invited are from WNY it's a decent trip. To add to that most of the hotels up there are requiring a minimum 2 night stay since it is pirates weekend. I understand that most of the people I invite can't afford to make a trip like this and I don't expect them to. The following week we are having a reception/cookout back in WNY for those that couldn't make it up there and those we couldn't invite due to number restrictions. Guys I asked to be in my wedding party are missing one but coming to the other. It's something I understood could happen when we decided to have a destination wedding. Your buddy should understand that as much as you want to be there for him you can't afford that. Throw him a good bachelor party and wish him luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
richNjoisy Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Add me to the list to say "Thanks for the honor but I simply can't afford it." Any rational and true friend will understand Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
/dev/null Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 what would i do? try to bang as many bridesmaids as i could before the wedding then after the wedding i'd try to pick up one of the emotional guests at the reception Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhilsBills Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 I had a buddy invite me to his batchelor party in costa rica. As a surfer (and his friend), I would have loved to go, but I would have wanted to surf in lieu of the more "traditional" batchelor party things they had planned (and I couldn't afford it anyway). Needless to say, I didn't make it nor did most of the people he invited. I think when people plan a wedding or pre-wedding party in an exotic place like that they realize most people won't be able to swing it and maybe they are just trying to flaunt their elevated financial status...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IDBillzFan Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 I'm sorry but that's pretty damn selfish, even in the age of damn selfishness. I've never understood the rationale behind breaking the bank on a wedding when most marriages end up strugging early on because the couple doesn't have enough money. Tell your buddy to look in his closet for the sense God gave him. It's probably under his "Friendship for Dummies" book, which is obviously collecting dust. 390629[/snapback] This is really nuts-on accurate. Plus, your friend really !@#$ed up with a social faux paus; never, ever get married in an exotic, expensive location unless you plan to pick up the entire travel tab for your entire wedding party and their dates. Your friend is acting in very selfish, bad taste and I would quickly let him know you simply would love to do it but can not afford. A friend doesn't ask you to do something like this. Tell him right away. And remember, if you can't afford to be his best man, you can't afford to go to the wedding. Don't worry, he'll find someone stupid enough to accept. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eSJayDee Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Well, my opinion is that given that he's inviting you to the event, particularly to be in it, I'd expect him to offer to pay your way, including your date/wife. I feel that having such an extravant and costly event (due primarily to the location), it would be the reasonable thing to do for the wedding party. Asking someone to pony up >$1k to be in a wedding is too much. The fact that he didn't offer, or at least didn't make it clear who would be paying, I don't think it's unreasonable to decline, citing your reasoning. I'm by no means Miss Manners, but I guess the difficult thing about manners is behaving well when others don't & put you in an akward position. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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