ChevyVanMiller Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 I love puns. Found all of these in one spot. What are your favorite puns? Puns: When Chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a Guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This Girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian Club, but I'd never met herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type A blood, but it was just a Typo. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola Factory. I hope there's no 'pop' Quiz. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the cross-eyed Teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her Pupils? When you get a bladder infection - urine trouble. Broken pencils are pointless. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. What do you call a Dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus. England has no 'Kidney' Bank, but it does have a Liverpool . I used to be a Banker, but then I lost interest. I dropped out of Communism Class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in New York 's Police Stations have been stolen. The Police have nothing to go on. I got a job at a Bakery because I kneaded dough. Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes. Velcro - what a rip off! A Cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! The Earthquake in Washington obviously was the Government's fault. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ieatcrayonz Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 The rain in Spain fall mainly on their planes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChevyVanMiller Posted July 5, 2012 Author Share Posted July 5, 2012 Another one I like: Did you hear about the Rabbi that committed suicide? He shot himself in the temple. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jauronimo Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 For some reason reading puns fills me with visceral rage. Anyone have similar experiences? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bartshan-83 Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Big Cat Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 "I see," said the blind carpenter. Then he picked up his hammer and saw. "Ah yes," said the lumber jack peeing into the wind. "It's all coming back to me." Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was assaulted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Optometric Insight Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Explosion at pie factory, 3.14159265 found dead. Harry Potter is sliding down a hill. JK, Rowling. Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery. How did I get out of Irag? Iran. I tried running track in high school but my legs wouldn't QWOP-erate. Does February march? No, but April may. * I can't find my coat. I hope somebody didn't jacket.* She told me I was average. I think she was just being mean.* I've invested in fireworks. The market is booming.* Looking to buy an ark? I Noah guy.* I used to be addicted to soap but I'm clean now.* A guy told me he couldn't make change for a dollar, that makes no cents.* I knew a guy that was addicted to brake fluid. He said he could stop anytime.* My friend is obsessed with monorails. He's really got a one track mind.* What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!* I joined a fan club. It blows.* I got arrested while playing a guitar today for fingering A minor.* I quit my job at the IRS. It was too taxing.* The scarecrow got the nobel prize because he was outstanding in his field. * Molestation is a touchy subject.* I wanted to look for my watch but couldn't find the time.* My drug cracks me up. * Germans tie their shoes in little knotsies.* What do call a blind German? A Nazi.* Atheism is a non prophet religion.* I hate when the government tries to control the internet. Its SOPAthetic.* A guy sold me a camel for 1000 bucks. Do you think Egypt me?* I saw Michael J. Fox in the garden section of home depot. He had his back to the fuschia.* A friend from jail sent me a letter telling me his suicidal thoughts. I replied "hang in there"* The past, present and future walked in the bar. It was tense.* Have you seen that movie about constipation? Oh wait, it hasn't come out yet...* The guy who invented knock knock jokes deserves a no-bell prize.* Did you hear about the goldfish that went broke? Know its just a bronze fish. Have you ever gone to the restaurant on the Moon? The place doesn't have much of an atmosphere but the food is out of this world! *ABH* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EasternOHBillsFan Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 OK, here are some I just made up: What is a Broadway performer's favorite steak place? The Porter House. The hors d'ouerves went on strike because they refused to take a cut in celery. The pastry chef refused to put up with the rude customer's crepe anymore. I lost my boxing match last night because the other guy beat me to the punch. What is the sweetest letter of the alphabet? The honeybee. Where does the measuring tape go to relax? By the yard. How did the tailor spend his last final seconds on Earth? He dyed laughing. How did the mathematician corner the market on geometry? He had all the right angles. Why did the lamp salesman get thrown in jail? He was into a shady business. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC Tom Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 My uncle just passed, after a long illness that left him bed-ridden, unable to move (only his eyes), but fully cognizant of what was going on (for about a year). So at least he had a lot of time on his hands to do such things as plan his own funeral, write his own obituary, and write his own eulogy. When my cousin read the eulogy ("last words", really), was when I found out that, when he and my aunt met, she was a nun. As my uncle wrote in his eulogy, he got her to "kick the habit". Not just a bad pun. A bad pun from beyond the grave. What is the sweetest letter of the alphabet? The honeybee. That sucks. A lot. Might not want to take credit for that one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Big Cat Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 A constipated mathematician came to me looking for relief. I gave him a pencil and told him to work it out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fan in San Diego Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 I see said the blind man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smears Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 I was talking with a friend not too long ago about how he knew this girl from school "I went to class with her but we didnt have chemistry" that reminded me of the Rodney Dangerfield movie Back to School " Well why dont you call me when you have no class? " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EasternOHBillsFan Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 That sucks. A lot. Might not want to take credit for that one. Not all jokes by comedians and writers are successful coming out of the creative process... all mine were raw ideas, uncensored, and so I expected some to suck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC Tom Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Not all jokes by comedians and writers are successful coming out of the creative process... all mine were raw ideas, uncensored, and so I expected some to suck. Then hire a writer and blame it on him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EasternOHBillsFan Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 (edited) Then hire a writer and blame it on him. I'll hire Ruben Navarrette or Roland Martin.... they suck as writers. Yeah, that's the ticket!!!! Edited July 5, 2012 by BmoreBills Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChevyVanMiller Posted July 5, 2012 Author Share Posted July 5, 2012 For some reason reading puns fills me with visceral rage. Anyone have similar experiences? I have an albino friend who has the same reaction. I usually just tell him to lighten up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
/dev/null Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Why do waitresses hate Jews? They cut off the tip Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HopsGuy Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 Someone posted a picture of T-bone to TSW. It was followed by a comment that he looked "like a fun guy." DC Tom (or one of his other iterations) replied something like, "It's spelled fungi." I always liked that one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExiledInIllinois Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 The good old leper jokes! Did you hear they canceled the hockey game between the two leper teams? There was a faceoff in the corner Two lepers were playing cards, one threw in his hand and and the other laughed his head off! Not sure if this classic has been said: The blind carpenter picked up his hammer and saw. What is the difference between Jews and canoes? Canoes tip. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC Tom Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 Someone posted a picture of T-bone to TSW. It was followed by a comment that he looked "like a fun guy." DC Tom (or one of his other iterations) replied something like, "It's spelled fungi." I always liked that one. You remember that? I didn't, I just had to search for it...it was seven freakin' years ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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