Dirtbag

a recent thread regarding firemen ed got me thinking. let’s anoint the best bills fan of the year! the candidates: 1. the two chefs: these guys show their everlasting devotion to the bills by wearing bedazzled chef hats and waving the “we’re number 1” finger at all times regardless of the score. they recently reached new heights of stardom by being featured in the montage that precedes videos on the official bills site. even the jills think these guys are a little attention starved. 2. elvis: popular myth traces his origin back to the 1992 comedic hit “honeymoon in vegas” though there is no clear evidence to support this theory. as opposed to the chefs (who unabashedly crave camera time), elvis pretends not to notice when the spotlight’s on him, often pretending to focus on the game at hand with a rare intensity, quietly muttering elvis-isms (i.e., “come on now, lil baby-baby”), and striking the triumphant elvis pose by thrusting his junk precariously (and uncomfortably) close to nearby fans. his major pet peeve is when the network shows niagara falls instead of him when returning from commercial. 3. pinto kenny: one of america’s fiercest advocates for binge drinking, this dude became a tailgating martyr when the nfl demanded he move his environmental disaster of a car out of the stadium parking lot. yes, you heard that correctly. his renowned, filthy bowling ball makes orchard park ground zero for thousands of hepatitis and mono cases diagnosed across the greater western new york region annually. still, no other bills fan received more attention or acclaim this year and i can’t get enough of the guy! 4. The chicken littles (tsw-specific): these sensitive souls fret over almost any obstacle or impediment, no matter how great or small (i.e., “jamon meredith turned his ankle in practice…this could be a huge blow!”). their concerns are often dismissed by others (see below), especially given the mediocre quality of bills player being discussed. still, if anything, their worry stems from their undying faith that the team might actually perform better than in previous years. 5. the DOOOOOOMMMMED generation (tsw-specific): reactionaries, these fans rely on the sarcastic “DOOOOOOOMED” retort to quickly and effectively dismiss the concerns of chicken littles. not necessarily, because they completely disagree, but rather because they think they’re worrywarts. the life cycle of this group is roughly 4 months, their first appearance usually coinciding with early team workouts. they are all but extinct after the first “real” bills game when they’re begrudgingly forced to concede that we are, in fact, actually doomed. 6. tim graham: a lightning rod for controversy, this gentleman was apparently run off tsw after agreeing to share his insight as a professional sports writer (an admission: i quickly lost interest in the entire episode and have no idea where the blame lies). i can’t confirm if he’s actually a bills fan -- still he posted a lot more than most of us. many members of tsw consider tim a victim and view the incident (and tim’s ensuing exile) as emblematic of the moral decline of the wall as a whole. tim, I know you’re still lurking here, so vote for yourself! 7. the media: this is the year the press corps rediscovered bills football. in what may go down as some of the most puzzling (and borderline patronizing) reporting in years, the mainstream media embraced and praised a team that won 4 games. i guess that beats getting ragged on. 8. the chan gang: these fans optimistically viewed the hiring of the newest bills coach based mostly on “the way he talks.” they greeted his practices (such as sticking the entire offensive line in a cage to teach them proper positioning) as innovative. eternal, defiant optimists, these fans were likely to also look favorably on gregg williams’ bullhorn and mike mularkey’s cheeseburger strategy. they offer a refreshing positivity rarely found in modern bills fans. 9. chris brown: the most optimistic bills fan in existence, brown also happens to be on the bills payroll. he’s a master of the leading question and dominates press conferences – often times it seems as if he and coach chan are on a dinner date. that said, it must be incredibly difficult for brown to continually put a positive spin on the bills’ dismal performances week after week. 10. guy fieri bills fans: this breed of fan is not exclusive to buffalo – wherever men gather, a contingent of guy fieri fans will be there. these former docker-wearers spend an inordinate amount of time internally debating whether they should get their tips frosted and/or purchase that ed hardy graphic t-shirt that they saw in the mall last week. half of their lexicon consists of describing things as “money” or “not money" (“dude, on last night’s triple d, this guy made a deep- fried chipotle spiked meatloaf that looked so damn money!” or “dude, my wife’s dad died last night. cancer is so not money.”). they also have a proclivity for saying, “vegas, baby, vegas.” still, they like to drink and party, which makes them eligible for this award. if you’re white, over forty, own multiple thumb rings, listen to sammy hagar and recently got a piercing or tattoo, this is you. 11. you: you’re easily the biggest bills fan around. how could you not get this award?

pats fans are obnoxious and insufferable. still, when they lose, they lurk back to their caves like a vanquished grendel and assume a whole "woe is me" persona. i find this particularly satisfying. jets fans are obnoxious and egocentric regardless of whether they win or lose.

it's so painfully transparent though. especially since it's a re-run. didn't dude say the same thing about peyton last week?

denver must really suck if they're being rejected by our sloppy seconds.

given the bills' (mostly) dismal track record on coaches and general managers, ralph's ability to spot football management talent is, to put it generously, questionable at best. (that said, his ability to find marketing talent is exceptional.) and as he gets older, it's clear that he wants to stick with people he knows, which probably explains modrak's continued tenure at one bills drive. it's not terribly surprising -- as you say, dude is almost a century old. it's not exactly a time of experimentation. still, the idea that ralph is out there scouting players and working phones on draft day seems ludicrous -- the old man sequestered in his detroit war room, slamming coffee, grinding through bowl games in fevered, desperate pursuit of the next jim kelly or thurman thomas. even if i'm completely wrong here and ralph is actively drafting players, someone had to unearth maybin for him. there's no way he came upon that horrendous pick on his own.

did he try to kiss you?

don't believe the hype: http://deadspin.com/5730026/no-seahawks-fans-didnt-cause-an-earthquake

the saddest part is that you even had to reference his philly years, rather than just point to his clear record of abject failure in buffalo. that's how beaten down we've become. that's how comfortable we've become with accepting mediocrity and ineptitude (and even defending it). it shouldn't be this way. we've had ten years of this guy's influence in buffalo and nothing has changed. there are literally zero positions that are currently untouchable on our team. we can pretty much draft almost any position on the field since so many are in need of a dramatic upgrade. if that's not an indictment of the modrak years, i don't know what is.

terrific post. modrak is either 1.) an impotent genius who's constantly overruled by opposing forces (and apparently unwilling or unable to battle for his picks), or 2.) mediocre at talent evaluation. if 1 is true, i don't understand why he would stay with the organization. if 2 is true i don't understand why he hasn't been fired.

you're preaching to the choir, brother. that said, i don't understand why the follow-up to glazer's statement wasn't: "why didn't the bills take the saints up on their offer if it was so much sweeter?" the claim is so outrageous that it demands fuller explanation. i'm fully aware of the ineptitude that this team exhibits on a daily basis and certainly wouldn't be shocked if it went down exactly as glazer relates. in fact, it's about par for the course. still, in my heart of hearts (and against all evidence to the contrary), i really wanna believe even we couldn't be that dumb.

i'm less interested in the comment than the motivations behind it. i didn't see the segment (since those pre/post-game shows are unwatchable), so i'm unsure about the context. is glazer's motivation to make the bills look like bad? if so, why? is there a mortensen/donahoe dynamic at work here? how does it benefit the saints to disperse this story? if anything, they appear to match the bills in ineptitude (for all the reasons pointed out by earlier posters). it sorta reminds me of the pitiful regret and yearning one feels after failing to approach a pretty girl on the subway. finally, did glazer provide any additional insight as to why the bills would act in this manner? is the take-away from this story simply that the bills front office is occupied by buffoons?

good point. the launch seems poorly timed.

probably because it's not particularly funny. the concept seems to have promise, but in practice it's classic "meh" material.

i really feel for the inside linebackers. those poor guys will be completely directionless.

no doubt this was where he pioneered the saline hypothermia treatment that would later be used to wide acclaim on kevin everett.

maybe he's too busy picking up cheeseburgers for the big playoff game.

i once saw carwell gardner at the buffalo airport. he was wearing a tank top. dude had the biggest arms i've ever seen.

this one wins! the only possible way to beat it would be a canadian ballet story involving hank bullough and ed abramowski.

the merriman interview is a-ight, but more i'm more intrigued by the content in segment 10 which, according to the accompanying summary, contains a "chick who banged an HVAC guy, more calls."

to this point, i also encountered moose johnston while working as a waiter at the country club. this was after the super bowl losses and i despised the dude not only because he was a cowboy, but because i also viewed him as the ultimate traitor (since he grew up in youngstown, yet for some inexplicable reason wasn't a bills fan). to my annoyance, he turned out to be a great guy. super nice.

since the bills are toast and there are only so many times i can read about andrew luck, i'm curious to hear about your encounters with bills past and present. here's mine: around ’87-‘88 my friend, sarks, his dad and I went to see jim kelly at some boat dealership on grand island. the appearance must not have been heavily promoted because the place was empty. jim was leaning against a boat, talking shop with some of the employees. The salespeople sighed as we entered – our zubaz and bills sweatshirts made it abundantly clear we weren’t there for a boat. i was around 12 at the time and jimbo was my hero. I had only seen him on tv before so this was like meeting a god. he seemed impossibly tall, towering over all of us. he wasn’t as muscular as i expected but the dude certainly carried an air of gravitas. maybe it was his acid washed jeans. maybe it was his perfectly feathered mini-mullet. he just had it. we were silent as we approached him, too nervous to speak. jim smiled and, still leaning against the boat, did a sorta playful roundhouse kick into my chest, accompanied with a friendly “hiya, buddy!” unsure how to react, I just held onto his foot, thinking, “this is jim kelly’s foot and i’m holding it.” I also remember thinking, “i wonder if jim likes the karate kid?” it was an auspicious beginning. i guess the boat folks were embarrassed by the low turnout because no one wanted us to leave. The salesmen had apparently run out of stuff to say to jim since they just started asking us about school. i remember grimacing a little when sarks told jim that he was his favorite player. It was an outright lie. sarks’ favorite player was montana and favorite team the 49ers – he was there strictly for the autograph. sarks’ mom was expecting at the time and jim talked to us a long time about that. he even signed a couple of magazines for “baby bill” (his words, not mine). the baby turned out to be a girl and wasn’t named “bill.” we ended up just hanging out for like half an hour, during which time no one else entered the store. The highlight was when jim started tossing the ball around with us (sarks had brought along a football). i’m not sure if the boat folks approved of a couple kids running out patterns in their store, juking out bayliners, lunds and monteray sport boats like hapless db’s, but who were they to argue with jim? sadly, the fun ended when i pass rushed sarks and his errant toss smashed into one of the boats. a salesperson snagged the ball and handed it over to sarks’ dad saying, “you know, that’s a $15,000 boat.” we took our leave, piling into the car and heading back to the falls. as we made our way across the grand island bridge i remember being overwhelmed – real life jim had far exceeded my high expectations. i knew with all my heart that a super bowl victory would soon be ours. [epilogue: many years later after the final dallas super bowl loss, I would cross paths with jim again. at that time i worked summers as a waiter at the niagara falls country club. jim was there as a guest of a member. as part of our service, we would always place a basket of popcorn and chips on the table. as I approached the table with the snacks, jim called out “keep that stuff away from me! i’m on a diet!” he then ordered a light beer and chicken sandwich. it already seemed too late though. this wasn’t the same jim as before. his hair was in fast recession, his stomach a little fuller, he carried a more wearied air. as i delivered his chicken sandwich (sans cheese and mayo), i knew our super bowl run was over. my childhood hero was diminished.]

fitz went to harvard?

it's up on dp's site and you can listen without logging in: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/danpatrick/blog/141681/index.html it's a very vomit-centric interview. also, lots of talk about something called burt sugarman's midnight special -- i guess you might know what that is if you're old.

sorry, missed it earlier. interesting article, and i don't necessarily disagree with the findings. i agree that getting minority coaches in entry level positions will certainly help their development and likely lead to them being targeted as head coaches. still, this study seems to suggest that the rule should, if anything, be expanded to include lower level coaching positions (and no doubt, the college ranks). also, it curiously fails to address the fact that, again, there's been a real statistical increase in the number of minority head coaches since the rule's implementation.