Are you aware of how much ass

[Cugalabanza]

Glorifying the American icon: Chuck Norris

 

_________________________________

 

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

 

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but

because he has run out of women.

 

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris

can kill him and take it.

 

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the

speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was

flying over the Pacific Ocean.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the

information he wants.

 

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds

till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the

face.

 

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

 

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided

to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a

beard.

 

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

 

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths

have increased 13,000 percent.

 

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and

unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was

finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul

back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he

should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of

the month.

 

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a

stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.

Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the

crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

 

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

 

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK

assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,

deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

 

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

 

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of

"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous

of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have

Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse

kick related deaths.

 

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15

cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of

cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,

Lance Armstrong.

 

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

 

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

 

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

 

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school

football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to

let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse

kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang

every girl in the stadium.

 

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck

Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and

starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from

drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too

much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

 

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

 

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked

names for his left and right legs.

 

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,

but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to

him. Pirates never were very smart.

[CoachChuckDickerson]

That it one of the funniest friggin things I have ever read.

[smokinandjokin]

That is awesome. Fuggin hilarious.

 

My buddy has this at the end of every email he sends. I never knew what the hell it was, but I always thought it was great:

 

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and

unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was

finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul

back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he

should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of

the month.

[Pete]

Sounds like Brewski has some competition!

[ajzepp]

The first half of that was HILARIOUS. I don't know if it was the writing or the mental images that were popping into my head because of it. Good stuff!

[Guffalo]

Paul Reubens would kick his ass if he was so inclined.....he just chooses not to.

[The Tomcat]

Oh man thats funny...

 

Nice use of "roundhouse kick"

 

unfortunately he couldnt beat my main man......BRUCE LEE!!

 

Lee > Norris

[duey]

Ah sh--...that's some seriously good stuff. I'm in tears over here.

[Crap Throwing Monkey]

Glorifying the American icon: Chuck Norris 

 

_________________________________

 

  Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

 

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but

because he has run out of women.

 

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris

can kill him and take it.

 

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the

speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was

flying over the Pacific Ocean.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the

information he wants.

 

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds

till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the

face.

 

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

 

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided

to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a

beard.

 

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

 

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths

have increased 13,000 percent.

 

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and

unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was

finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul

back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he

should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of

the month.

 

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a

stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.

Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the

crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

 

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

 

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK

assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,

deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

 

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

 

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of

"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous

of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have

Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse

kick related deaths.

 

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer.  Chuck Norris smoked 15

cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of

cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,

Lance Armstrong.

 

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

 

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

 

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

 

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school

football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to

let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse

kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang

every girl in the stadium.

 

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck

Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and

starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from

drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too

much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

 

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

 

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked

names for his left and right legs.

 

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,

but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to

him. Pirates never were very smart.

517913[/snapback]

 

Who wrote that? Joe Theisman?

[Dan Gross]

Who wrote that?  Joe Theisman?

518045[/snapback]

 

Actually, it's one of those "Top THirty" lists...

[Ramius]

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

 

That explains a lot about stuart scott...guess he needs to try any way possible...

[\GoBillsInDallas/]

True story:

 

Bruce Lee wanted Chuck Norris to be his opponent in the climatic fight scene for Bruce's movie "Return of the Dragon".

 

Bruce calls Chuck - Chuck readily agrees.

 

The first day of the movie shooting, Chuck shows up on the movie set. He meets Bruce and they start talking and Chuck tells him that he was a bit confused about why Bruce wanted him for the movie:

 

Chuck: You want ME to be your opponent in the final battle?

 

Bruce: Yes.

 

Chuck: I don't understand the plot, then.

 

Bruce: What do you mean?

 

Chuck: You want me as your opponent, right?

 

Bruce: Yes.

 

Chuck: Then what kind of movie will it be when I kill you at the end of the fight?

[stevewin]

Peter La Fleur: Thank you, Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris: Thank *you*, Peter.

 

 

 

 

 

White Goodman: [being fat and watching the commercial for Average Joe's in disgust while eating] Spare me... I won the tournament... I did... !@#$in' Chuck Norris!

[sweet baboo]

Don't forget Vin Diesel and Mr. T

 

-Crop circles are Vin Diesel's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

-Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show Where Are They Now was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

-If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

-23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

-When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

-Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

-Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

-Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

-In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

-When Dr. Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Mr. T.

-Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

-Small animals find Mr. T irresistable and can be found playing in his mohawk. Mr. T tolerates them because "they don't give me no lip."

-Vin Diesel played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

-Mr. T invented Asian people, because he thinks they're cute and don't take up much room.

-Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

-Mr T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Mr T loves you.

-You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

-Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That's 100 fools pitied a second.

[Zamboni Man]

There are two kinds of people in this world and Chuck Norris is one of them.

[Corp000085]

speaking of Mr. T...

[/dev/null]

speaking of Mr. T...

518438[/snapback]

 

I pity the fool that don't use his turn signal

[ch19079]

"Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a

stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.

Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the

crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away."

 

 

thats awsome.

 

but seriously, i think his best role was with Bruce Lee. that final fight scene was one of the best.