Clinton, Bill

As if I have that kind of time, between banging co-eds.

For the record, my thoughts at that exact moment were "Mmmm, mmmm... mmmm!"

That was 2007? Too late!

I see my federal funding for Dr. Gallup is finally paying off. About 15 years too late, though.

Hello friends, I've been asked by my wife's boss to deliver his profound remorse over the loss of your scripted television shows. The United States must be held to a higher standard for broadcast quality. That's why President Obama has formed the position of Dramedy Czar, the appointee of which will seek to redress these situations and reunite us with our favorite actor-portrayals. If the reunion of an entire cast and forced production of a show can save just one life among the basement-dwellers of America who have little to hold onto besides the replica swords and posters displayed on their walls, I don't believe that's too high a price to pay. In my own case, I was particularly fond of the "Debbie Does..." series. But I digress. I again apologize on behalf of the current president.

Hello friend, I've been asked by my wife's boss to deliver his profound remorse over the loss of your pet. The United States must be held to a higher standard for retroactively preventing domestic animal run-aways and possible suicides. That's why President Obama has formed the position of Time Travel Czar, the appointee of which will seek to redress these situations and reunite us with our furry companions. In my own case, there was a particularly hairy young girl on my friend Ron Burkle's private plane. But I digress. I again apologize on behalf of the current president.

Your wife wasn't very good in bed.

Boy does that bring back some memories!

It was widely reported that I can do the New York Times crossword puzzle usually within 10 minutes, and with a pen. Unless it's one of those "I'm with Hillary" gag pens. I just can't concentrate with one of those. Yes. But I will always have misogynistic.

You don't know the half of it!

Sacrilege! At least he hasn't had to off anybody on his staff yet. That can get messy. Hypothetically speaking.

First things first. Like how some people have to look up milquetoast or zeitgeist every time it's in an article, "is" has always been a hard one for me to nail down. But let's wait until tomorrow. It's my birthday today, and Hillary is out of the house. I'm thinking about getting some Chinese tonight. And maybe I'll put a candlestick somewhere....

I can attest to that. I got regular updates in between defiling cheerleaders at the NCAA tournament.

And how!

Sorry it took me awhile to get back to you, Barry. I'm trying to "press the flesh" :w00t: for the health care bill. You wouldn't believe what it took to turn Kucinich. I wouldn't have thought he'd ask for a Blu-ray of "Mesopotamian Cowboys: Stanchion Bang 6." Go figure! He invited me and Hillary over last night and said to bring my assless leather chaps. Have you seen Dennis's wife? Holy moly, how did I ever miss that before I left the White House? Dennis tried to get me in the stanchion. Awkward! Consider the debt paid, and you now owe me.

And by "base" .... Well, you probably don't want to know what base means. This is a family forum. But I really, really, like "base." And I've got some fond memories of Oregon beavers. And by "us" Barry means himself and me. And by "clear," he means ambiguous. And by "be" he means ... well.... that depends what your definition of "is," is.

I'm going to have to pass on this. On Steve Bing's private jet, I get nicer poon than Spitzer's call-girl without paying for it ---- besides the blue spots on my boys that one time ---- them money for it. I've got it made right now. Hillary is usually out of the house. Why would I take three steps backward?

I had a bit of a scare. Hot-nurse sex makes up for it. Thanks, everyone.

Hillary said the West Wing has never smelled as bad as it does right now. Everyone there has "literally been crapping their pants since Friday."

Not the case at all. You know the phrase, You only tease people you really like? Well, if the MSGTs pretending to shove me out of the helicopter without a parachute is any indication, the military absolutely adores me. I don't have too many down here. I don't go to Mass anymore, since that bishop got all uppity about me using the communion cup to "Dirty Sanchez" the whole congregation. No sense of humor, those Catholics. But on a serious note, it's as bad down here as anywhere I've been. Death and destruction everywhere you look. People having to bury family in roadside ditches. This place has endured a lot in its history, and I suppose they'll get through this too. It's going to do a job on their mindsets and in too many villages almost an entire generation is gone, as schools were flattened in session. A lot of my fellow Americans just cannot comprehend the damage here. I thank those who have contributed to the Red Cross and the fund set up under GWB and myself, among many others. It's rather cruel that Haiti seems always to take two steps forward and then three steps back. As for the logistics of my visit, there is as minimal security apparatus as can be done. My plane also delivered some supplies. While it is an inconvenience for several hours, the Haitian people need to see familiar faces of people who have brought help before, to stand alongside the remnants of their government and to show that help is coming in perhaps the hour of their greatest need. True, not many will be able to see me, but word travels fast. To my critics everywhere, it's not adulation I seek here. These people need some comfort and hope just as much as antibiotics and other supplies. We need people to continue to work together with small acts of kindness and some semblance of order or else it all breaks down. That's in part why the military is here, and why I am here.

Man, I have one five-way with Mr. Edwards' grandmother, mother, aunt and sister and suddenly I'm to blame for everything.

Let me tell you right now, I didn't get any answers from Marty S. I do the New York Times crossword in 15 minutes entirely by myself.

I heard from Arnold that Maria's punishment was three consecutive nights of anal.

If you were ever there when I bring three blondes, two redheads and five brunettes to the backroom party, yeah, you'd see for yourself I'm revered. My Southern charm and soft drawl has a certain panache around the world as well. They just eat it up. I sure do get things done. And when I say "things," I really mean "women."

Nah. I just offered KJI sloppy seconds.