ICanSleepWhenI'mDead

Eel allergy?

No promises - - fart-storms are unpredictable.

Some things in the universe just can't be explained. Take my sister Darlene, for example. Some of you know that she was born early, and didn't get 'nuff air. So she has special needs, but she also has a gift. It's kinda like how some autistic kids are idiot savants at math (think Rain Man), only different. The day momma had Darlene, the Bambino died - - yeah, Babe Ruth, the guy who pointed to the outfield with his bat and called his home run shot. Maybe that has sumthin' to do with why Darlene has always been fascinated with sports. She just kinda has a taser-like focus whenever sports are on TV - - even when the Tide is up by 35 late in the game. This one time years ago, she mumbles "Forget Ralph Sampson, bet the farm on Chaminade." Sadly, we didn't know what she meant at the time. But I regress. The point is, I've been a Bills fan for years, so Darlene seen most of there games. Yesterday, on the last Patriots drive, I got excited when we held the Pats to a late field goal. Me: "A TD drive that uses up the clock, and we win!" Darlene: "Just wait" Spiller turns a short crossing pattern into a big gain AND gets out of bounds: Me: "We got a real shot at this!" Darlene: "Just wait" Fred Jackson takes a wicked hit, fumbles, and four Patriots jump on the ball, but Eric Woods comes out of the scrum with it: Me: "I'm tellin' ya, it's payback day. We're gonna take 'em!' Darlene: "Just wait" On 1st down with no timeouts left, Fitzgibbons barely misses Chandler in the end zone: Me: "Their playin' smart - - they know they gotta take shots at the end zone - - we got time for three more!" Darlene: "Just wait" We all know what happened next. So later on I'm tellin' one of my brothers about how we are just snake-bit and things are friggin' hopeless because nothin's ever gonna change while Ralph still owns the team - - "It's a no-win scenario" I says. Darlene looks me straight in the eye and says: "I don't believe in the no-win scenario - - fire Nix and hire William Shatner." So I'm thinkin' Darlene has finally gone totally over the edge - - hiring an actor as GM makes no sense at all. But then I figured on it some more, and I think I know what she meant. See, turns out Darlene was also lookin' over my shoulder at the TV durin' all them Stars Wars episodes. So she seen the one where Captain Kirk beats the "no-win" Kobayashi Maru scenario by changing the programming of the simulator. A lot of people think Ralph meddled with many football decisions over the years (it is his team after all), and the future of the franchise is murky after he's gone. So any GM of this team has to face the no-win scenario, just like Captain Kirk did. So if Captain Kirk was GM of the Bills, could he change the rules of the game enough to beat the no-win scenario? I think he could. Here's one obvious example: Ralph will meddle with QB drafting decisions, ensuring that we never get a franchise QB till he's gone. While we could tribble about the precise details, the obvious way to surmount that obstacle is to change the rules of the game to make what we currently call a "franchise QB" less important to winning the game. Maybe we get the rules committee to protect the QB less - - pretty soon nobody's got a "franchise QB." That evens the playing field for us - - what's good for the goose is good for the gander, just like in Genesis. Or maybe we convince Goodell that WRs are all prima donnas, and the game will be easier to market overseas if we make high-character electrifying runners like Spiller more featured. Goodell could do that - - who cares how? Make him believe the NFL needs more more Walter Peytons and Jim Browns, and less Plaxico Burri, and our future is suddenly much brighter, in spite of Ralph. The doctors say Darlene's condition prevents her from having what lay people consider a normal "brainstorm." When someone like her has one, it's just as smart, but it smells funny to her because her old-factory senses are affected. In her mind, it's a "fart-storm." I think Darlene had a great fart-storm. How do you think Captain Kirk could work within the constraints of Ralph's ownership, and turn this medee-okra team into a winner? I've got a few ideas, but I'm interested in yours.

I have no idea what I'm talking about, but you can enter symptoms in WebMD (considered by most to be a reputable source of medical info) to get some idea of what MIGHT be causing them. With 30 seconds of searching, I found this: http://www.webmd.com/hw-popup/raynauds-phenomenon-7594e You might want to dig deeper at WebMD, but if it was me, I'd see a doctor.

6 & 4 ?????? It's hard to do math in the NFL.

Question is, can Rich Eisen catch him yet: http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-combine/09000d5d82745c18/Eisen-versus-the-rest-of-the-field (For anybody who's never seen the Rich Eisen NFL draft combine 40 yard dash videos, it's worth a look)

I aggree. So does the eldest Daryl.

Maybe Thurston read George Foreman's autobiography while he was stuck on Gilligan's Island, and decided to name all his kids Delano as a tribute to the champ.

At this point of the season, Nix probably has some ability to predict which teams are likely to have the worst final record and be in position to draft a franchise QB. He recently went on record saying we need one. Does Silva play FS, SS or both? If it's FS, would Byrd be trade bait (along with some of our picks) to move up in the draft if Silva is adequate? I like Byrd a lot, but if we are serious about getting a franchise QB Nix will have to give up something. Do any of this year's crap teams that recently drafted a QB high have a strong need for a FS?

Maybe if Brady switched back and forth between hitting him in the face and hitting him in the gut, so that it was sort of syclicle.

They were gonna call it a lobsow, but then rabbis wouldn't eat it.

It's common knowledge that Brady doesn't like pressure, and a fierce pass rush is the way to beat him. That's why the Giants beat him in the Super Bowl, and why Nix did his best to upgrade our pass rush this year. But it's also common knowledge that the league protects Brady even more than most QBs, and hitting him after the whistle will draw penalties that hurt our team. So what to do? Think outside the box, people. It's only a penalty if we knock the snot out of Brady AFTER the whistle. So if we mess with the whistles so they won't make a noise, how are they gonna flag us? If we can put a man on the moon, somebody can make a hi-tech whistle that looks authentic but has a wireless V-chip or something that lets Gailey control when it makes a sound. We temporarily disable the whistle at the snap, pound the snot out of Brady and get away with it. If we're smart, and do it intermiteontably (sp?), nobody will catch on. If we're gonna hit him late, let's be smart about it. I'm ICanSleepWhenI'mDead, and my middle brother Darryl approved this message.

After the nuclear apocalypse, I hope any surviving anthropologist finds TSW. His/her theories on what type of clocks we had would be entertaining.

If the Pope craps in the woods, is the deaf bear Catholic?

Happy Birthday - - you should celebrate with a trip to the Robot Hall of Fame in Pittsburgh. If we could figure out how to get you nominated for 2014, we might be able to get you inducted because there's an on-line vote involved! http://www.robothalloffame.org/

Well, North Dakota maybe: http://www.cooperstownnd.com/index.php

If you are alone at your post long enough, you can dance with wolves, but you gotta watch out for injuns.

There are exceptions to every rule, but I've lived in several places, including the South - - if a Southern man tells a room full of Yankees in a heavy drawl that he ain't the smartest guy in the room - - odds are he is. At least, that's what my middle brother Darryl thinks.

68 replies, and I'm the 1st person to mention that OP forgot to add that winning is now assured because Marcus Easley is finally on the active roster? C'MON MAN!

You had me at "edifying discourse."

WTF? But if you think Northwest Regional airport's design is nuts, check out the airport in Gibraltar (bordering Spain): http://www.hoax-slayer.com/gibraltar-airport-runway.shtml

Nice thead title.

One of my Darryl brothers plays chess, but I always thought he was too uppity to be a good coach.

Ralph will be gone and ownership will change well before the NFL is ready to put a franchise in London. The NFL VP of International Business since 2008 is Chris Parsons, originally from Manchester, England. Here's a recent article where he talks at some length about the NFL and London: http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap1000000084365/printable/www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap1000000063419/article/uscs-matt-barkley-still-best-college-qb-despite-recent-struggles

If he was unconscious, how would he know whether or not he was feeling guilty?