plenzmd1 Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I do not know why we ask these questions here, but I will look forward to the responses as they come. So here’s the situation. I have a son that just turned 8, and a daughter that will turn 10 in a couple of months. About 6 weeks ago, I noticed they were riding their bikes down the street with a new kid, usually no big deal. At dinner that night, asked who he was, and I was informed by them this kid had just moved in right behind us. Again, thought it was strange as the neighbors back there both in their 60's. That’s when the wifey poo tells me the story of how his mother and father were both raging alcoholics and the mom just died from complications of the boozing about 3 months ago and the dad can in no way take care of the kid due to drinking a fifth of gin every day. They lived a good 500 miles from here as well. Turns out the neighbor is the sister to the mom who died, and she is last resort before foster care I guess. Now to the tough part...turns out the kid just turned 13. If you were to look at him, most anybody would say he would be no more than 9, 10 on the very outside chance he was small for his age. His maturity level pegs him squarely at my son’s level in terms of games he likes to play, conversation levels etc. Developmentally, I would think both mental and social levels appropriate for a 10 yr old. I do not know the PC way to say this, but his eyes look almost as though he has a slight tinge of Down's, but I think that not the case. I say that as he is in regular school, albeit one grade behind where he should be. My gut tells me based on what Nancy (the neighbor who is his guardian now) has said, her sister prolly drank pretty heavy even during the pregnancy. Now my problem is this: the kid has had a B word of a life so far. Mom dead, dad can't take care of him, both alcoholics. Throw in the fact of his physical and mental development, in a new school, and I am almost 100% sure he has no friends his own age. Just rips your guts out thinking what this kid has gone through. However, he has found a haven in hanging out a bit with my kids and their friends on the street. My thought has always been that it was okay for kids to hand with him a few hours a week or so, but I did not want them to become real good friends with a 13 year old, and they kinda got that. But with summer approaching(kids last day of school was today), I just know that he and they will want to be hanging out a bit more, and I am not sure I want my kids spending a couple hrs a day with a 13 year old. I still want them to keep it to a couple hrs a week. So, am I being an ass and an overprotective helicopter parent and just a mean ole bugger who cannot see this kid is hurting and just needs some friends, no matter what age? Or, am I being properly cautious and need to think of my own kids at all costs first??? After all, 1 13 year old hanging with an 8 year old sends red flags up all day, notwithstanding the circumstances. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ramius Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I don't see the big deal at all with the age thing. kids are kids. When i was growing up and was 13, the other neighborhood kids were 11, 10, 9, and 8. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dante Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I don't see a real big problem either. If it were me I would be a little cautious though. Just keep a eye on it. Maybe keeping in touch and a cordial relationship with their guardians would help to. Im mean, just in case there is a issue you will feel comfortable talking about it to them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tennesseeboy Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 As a parent (and grandparent) I understand your concern. However the kid may have fetal alchohol syndrome and obviously is going to have problems. Having friends such as your kids probably makes a difficulty situation a lot more easy and comfortable for the guy. Keep your eyes and ears open and let the kid into your family's life. You get to heaven doing sh-- like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fezmid Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 As a parent (and grandparent) I understand your concern. However the kid may have fetal alchohol syndrome and obviously is going to have problems. Having friends such as your kids probably makes a difficulty situation a lot more easy and comfortable for the guy. Keep your eyes and ears open and let the kid into your family's life. You get to heaven doing sh-- like that. I was going to say that too - he probably has FAS. That said, doesn't sound like he's a bad kid, and the parents are out of the picture, so I guess I don't see what the big deal is? I had friends who were 2-3 years older than me when I was growing up. I had friends who were 2-3 years younger too. I don't think it's a big deal. Judge the behaviors, not the age. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rubes Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I don't see a big problem, but if you're concerned just be sure to keep tabs on their activities together. The worst thing for that kid right now would be to be completely alienated, so your kids could be doing a great thing for him. As long as they don't get into trouble...which is basically what you'd do for your kids anyway, I would guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeFerguson Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 If you trust your own kids, it probably shouldn't be a problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SDS Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 To be a contrarian... I think 5 years is HUGE. Everyone keeps referring to 2-3 years. Well, 2-3 ain't 5 unless you're VABills. I would monitor the situation very, very closely. Maybe even just tell your kids that you play together whenever they want as long as a parent is around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuckincincy Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 If you trust your own kids, it probably shouldn't be a problem. Never trust kids - even your own. They have yet to be fully formed. They have only turned but a few pages in the Book of Life. They are ignorant, and its' up to adults to guide them through minefields. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SageAgainstTheMachine Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 To be a contrarian... I think 5 years is HUGE. Everyone keeps referring to 2-3 years. Well, 2-3 ain't 5 unless you're VABills. I would monitor the situation very, very closely. Maybe even just tell your kids that you play together whenever they want as long as a parent is around. But what's the problem with an age gap, as long as the 13 year old is a nice, harmless kid? Kids should learn how to interact with those not immediately within their own social circle, it's an important skill as an adult. Get to know the kid and make sure he isn't trouble (given his backgroud, he might have issues). If you don't detect anything suspicious, then I don't see the harm in your kids having a friend that's a few years older. In fact, if the kid indeed has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, his maturity level may be closer to that of an 8 or 10 year old. That might explain the friendship in the first place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plenzmd1 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Share Posted May 28, 2009 But what's the problem with an age gap, as long as the 13 year old is a nice, harmless kid? Kids should learn how to interact with those not immediately within their own social circle, it's an important skill as an adult. Get to know the kid and make sure he isn't trouble (given his backgroud, he might have issues). If you don't detect anything suspicious, then I don't see the harm in your kids having a friend that's a few years older. In fact, if the kid indeed has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, his maturity level may be closer to that of an 8 or 10 year old. That might explain the friendship in the first place. Thanks to all that have replied. I have not heard of this Fetal Alcohol Syndrome before, but I am almost 100% certain based on the quick research i just did that this kid prolly has some form of it. I was surprised by how almost 100% of folks thought no big deal, as I am closer to SDS opinion that 5 years is a BIG deal. But with this FAS, maybe he is closer to 8 or 9, and it is not as big deal as I thought.Maybe I can lighten up a bit and see how things progress next month or so. I really cannot watch them 100% of the time, as I really encourage..(cough cough force) them to play outside and ride bikes, play BBall, whatever, just do not sit in the house all day. Just more talks about appropriate behaviour, touching etc will be in order i guess. Again, thx for the replies Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuckincincy Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Thanks to all that have replied. I have not heard of this Fetal Alcohol Syndrome before, but I am almost 100% certain based on the quick research i just did that this kid prolly has some form of it. I was surprised by how almost 100% of folks thought no big deal, as I am closer to SDS opinion that 5 years is a BIG deal. But with this FAS, maybe he is closer to 8 or 9, and it is not as big deal as I thought.Maybe I can lighten up a bit and see how things progress next month or so. I really cannot watch them 100% of the time, as I really encourage..(cough cough force) them to play outside and ride bikes, play BBall, whatever, just do not sit in the house all day. Just more talks about appropriate behaviour, touching etc will be in order i guess. Again, thx for the replies You have concern about this lad. I asked you about garage space. Get the OK, and build a wood table with him. You and him, not those silly 8 year-olds. Work out the plans on paper with him. No power tools. Spend a lot of time perfectly squaring up the wood. 6 month project. Use dowels. Have him work it out, with no metal, no nails, screws. Then chat over what finish to apply. Forge accomplishment. Years ago, schools used to have something called "shop". Some skills were learned - but the main idea was that youngsters of the age you mention (who at that age always bounce off this or that wall), were afforded a haven that was "manly" - needed at that age, as one was growing. Even the crappy stuff most kids in shop produced, well, they did it, it was something tangible. With their own hands. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plenzmd1 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Share Posted May 28, 2009 You have concern about this lad. I asked you about garage space. Get the OK, and build a wood table with him. You and him, not those silly 8 year-olds. Work out the plans on paper with him. No power tools. Spend a lot of time perfectly squaring up the wood. 6 month project. Use dowels. Have him work it out, with no metal, no nails, screws. Then chat over what finish to apply. Forge accomplishment. I am truly lsot on this Cinci. You are saying i should spend the next six months of my free time building a table with this kid in the garage??? What could that possibly do except get my neighbors suspisious of my intentions? Kid wants to hang out with other kids, not some grumpy old piss pot like me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuckincincy Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I am truly lsot on this Cinci. You are saying i should spend the next six months of my free time building a table with this kid in the garage??? What could that possibly do except get my neighbors suspisious of my intentions? Kid wants to hang out with other kids, not some grumpy old piss pot like me. See my edit. Yes - things are so sad these days - you have to check things out. Talk with whoever has custody of the kid - and sad to say, these days, be sure you have a witness to the conversation. Don't be so sure that kids think you a grump. With all the crap going around us these days, a big, big problem is men leaving their children. Women happy to announce I'm a single "Mom", so give me money and I can be excused for just about anything. What a mess. We are awash with "It's All About Me" kids. Perhaps this one is the same. Perhaps not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erynthered Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 To be a contrarian... I think 5 years is HUGE. Everyone keeps referring to 2-3 years. Well, 2-3 ain't 5 unless you're VABills. I would monitor the situation very, very closely. Maybe even just tell your kids that you play together whenever they want as long as a parent is around. Exactly. Funny how parent less folk post their opinion so quickly, even the young-ins. I'd monitor this relationship very very closely. Has he demonstrated any violent behavior? Has he demonstrated any manipulative behavior? An evening for dinner at his house with his new (family) care givers with your family would help some I would suspect. an opportunity to see living conditions. In addition, was he abused as a child? Tons of stuff to know. Protect your kids. Sorry Plez, don't mean to speak down to you, and I don't mean to, you're a smart guy. Cover your ass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spartacus Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 But what's the problem with an age gap, as long as the 13 year old is a nice, harmless kid? Kids should learn how to interact with those not immediately within their own social circle, it's an important skill as an adult. Get to know the kid and make sure he isn't trouble (given his backgroud, he might have issues). If you don't detect anything suspicious, then I don't see the harm in your kids having a friend that's a few years older. In fact, if the kid indeed has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, his maturity level may be closer to that of an 8 or 10 year old. That might explain the friendship in the first place. what's the problem with the age gap???? sure sounds like not too many of these posters have kids. the 5 year gap puts the kid at puberty can you spell "hormones" mentally challenged or not - the hormones are kicking in at that age nice harmless kid even as he starts experimenting with the youngsters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plenzmd1 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Share Posted May 28, 2009 Exactly. Funny how parent less folk post their opinion so quickly, even the young-ins. I'd monitor this relationship very very closely. Has he demonstrated any violent behavior? Has he demonstrated any manipulative behavior? An evening for dinner at his house with his new (family) care givers with your family would help some I would suspect. an opportunity to see living conditions. In addition, was he abused as a child? Tons of stuff to know. Protect your kids. Sorry Plez, don't mean to speak down to you, and I don't mean to, you're a smart guy. Cover your ass. Should mention that while not the best of friends with his new family, we are very friendly with them ,(have happy hour and and the such with them maybe 4 times a year) and i have already discussed my concerns with them. They totally get why I am concerned, but feel the concerns are unwarranted. BTW, the kid has been nothing but nice to everybody and displays no behaviour which suggests he is violent or anything like that. I am more worried that what interests a typical 13 year old is not appropriate for an 8 year old. Now, with this FAS, maybe they are closer to the same interests. That might be an explanation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Big Cat Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Should mention that while not the best of friends with his new family, we are very friendly with them ,(have happy hour and and the such with them maybe 4 times a year) and i have already discussed my concerns with them. They totally get why I am concerned, but feel the concerns are unwarranted. BTW, the kid has been nothing but nice to everybody and displays no behaviour which suggests he is violent or anything like that. I am more worried that what interests a typical 13 year old is not appropriate for an 8 year old. Now, with this FAS, maybe they are closer to the same interests. That might be an explanation Yeah, I think you're justified in being caught up in the age difference, but you said yourself that he's 13 in age only. Food for thought. My first inclination was: geeze, when I was 13 (not that long ago), I had friends my age already doing drugs, drinking booze, and watching porn, stuff NO BODY wants their kid <10 getting into. Doesn't sound though like he's your typical 13 year old. Now, the idea of you not wanting your kids' childhood shaped by the company of the potentially skewed out new kid, totally valid. But one thing to consider, if he's been shipped out, and if he's bordering on foster care, it's likely his stint with his aunt will be short. Sad, no doubt, but I only bring it up for reassurance that he's probably not gearing up to be your kids' BFFL. Tough stuff, glad I don't have kids yet!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SageAgainstTheMachine Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 what's the problem with the age gap???? sure sounds like not too many of these posters have kids. the 5 year gap puts the kid at puberty can you spell "hormones" mentally challenged or not - the hormones are kicking in at that age nice harmless kid even as he starts experimenting with the youngsters. Oh come on geeeeze, I remember very well being a horny-ass 13 year old. It means that you start taking longer showers and secretly downloading porn, not "experimenting" with the kids down the street. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spartacus Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Oh come on geeeeze, I remember very well being a horny-ass 13 year old. It means that you start taking longer showers and secretly downloading porn, not "experimenting" with the kids down the street. well welcome to the real world in 2008. Bugs Bunny is no longer on TV. the shows on TV and the internet don't just allude to raging hormones, but give a how-to primer that's a bit more cause for concern. but hey - if the kids get abused they can always get fixed by going to therapy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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