stevestojan Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 In our break room at work, someone dropped a cracker behind the refridgerator about 6 weeks ago. About that time, a very large cockroach appeared from time to time. Apparently, saltines were his weak spot. Now, the office is very clean, which annoyed this particular cockroach, but he had to have that saltine (and he could smell it a mile a way.) At first, the cockroach was a bother. He bugged (no pun intended) many of the employees, especially the younger females, who apparently have a built in gene to screech everytime they see an insect of anysort. (Im not sure, but I think a cochroach is an insect, maybe its a beetle - the point is moot, so I shall continue). Anyway, one day I was eating lunch, but I had a cold. So, I order a bowl of Chicken soup from Panera Bread, a local deli chain. I saw the cockroach come out from under the fridge, and he looked excited. I must have looked frightened, or disgusted, because right at that time, the cockroach opened his mouth and said "Hey bro, I smell saltines. Is that you?". Wouldnt you know, I looked into the bag, and to my surprise, the deli had tossed some saltines in the bag. (and you would think my real surprise would come from a talking cockroach!). Anyway, thinking I was either halucinating from my cold, or dreaming, I figured "why not talk back to him"? so, I said "yeah, I have some crackers, you want them?". He said yes, and asked my name. I told him, and he said "Its a pleasure to meet you steve, my name is Edjuardo Davis. I'm Irish and I love Saltines." So, he pulled up a chair, and we had lunch. It was no time before everyone in the company was best of frineds with old Edjuardo - buying him saltines by the dozen, talking about his ability to survive nuclear holocaust should there ever be one, his love for Brittany Murphy, and his misguided anger over the Iran-Contra affair. Now, I know what you are thinking - some new guy comes along and doesnt know about Edjuardo and squashes him. Nope. Here's the real story. It turns out Edjuardo was actually taking the crackers, crushing them, and snorting them. Apparetly, the ingredients in a saltine made him high as a kite. So, one day he comes out from under the fridge and an employee is eating her soup. She asks Edjuardo to join her, and he angrily pulls up a chair. No one knew this, but he was jonesing for a fix. He saw that this employee had a cracker in her soup, but she said she woulnt fish it out, so she would give him one tomorrow. Edjuardo was unhappy. He waited for this employee to go to the rest room, and did the unthinkable. He tried to "jump the shark". He grabbed onto the side of the bowl, and hopped onto a floating piece of chicken from the soup that was near the edge. He got a good start, and saw the spoon was in his way. Apparently his clouded mind thought he could make the jump over the arm of the spoon, but no. The last thing he saw was the spoon, the cracker that was about 4" away and his drop into the scalding hot soup. Edjuardo suffered from third degree chicken soup burns over 100% of his body. When the employee got back, there was Edjuardo, dead as a doornail, floating in her soup. So there ends the life and times of Edjuardo Davis. He was a good man. A good father. Sure, he had his problems, but doesnt everyone. You will be missed Edjuardo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Poojer Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 That is the single-most saddest story I have ever read, I am truly touched! RIP El Cucaracha! In our break room at work, someone dropped a cracker behind the refridgerator about 6 weeks ago. About that time, a very large cockroach appeared from time to time. Apparently, saltines were his weak spot. Now, the office is very clean, which annoyed this particular cockroach, but he had to have that saltine (and he could smell it a mile a way.) At first, the cockroach was a bother. He bugged (no pun intended) many of the employees, especially the younger females, who apparently have a built in gene to screech everytime they see an insect of anysort. (Im not sure, but I think a cochroach is an insect, maybe its a beetle - the point is moot, so I shall continue). Anyway, one day I was eating lunch, but I had a cold. So, I order a bowl of Chicken soup from Panera Bread, a local deli chain. I saw the cockroach come out from under the fridge, and he looked excited. I must have looked frightened, or disgusted, because right at that time, the cockroach opened his mouth and said "Hey bro, I smell saltines. Is that you?". Wouldnt you know, I looked into the bag, and to my surprise, the deli had tossed some saltines in the bag. (and you would think my real surprise would come from a talking cockroach!). Anyway, thinking I was either halucinating from my cold, or dreaming, I figured "why not talk back to him"? so, I said "yeah, I have some crackers, you want them?". He said yes, and asked my name. I told him, and he said "Its a pleasure to meet you steve, my name is Edjuardo Davis. I'm Irish and I love Saltines." So, he pulled up a chair, and we had lunch. It was no time before everyone in the company was best of frineds with old Edjuardo - buying him saltines by the dozen, talking about his ability to survive nuclear holocaust should there ever be one, his love for Brittany Murphy, and his misguided anger over the Iran-Contra affair. Now, I know what you are thinking - some new guy comes along and doesnt know about Edjuardo and squashes him. Nope. Here's the real story. It turns out Edjuardo was actually taking the crackers, crushing them, and snorting them. Apparetly, the ingredients in a saltine made him high as a kite. So, one day he comes out from under the fridge and an employee is eating her soup. She asks Edjuardo to join her, and he angrily pulls up a chair. No one knew this, but he was jonesing for a fix. He saw that this employee had a cracker in her soup, but she said she woulnt fish it out, so she would give him one tomorrow. Edjuardo was unhappy. He waited for this employee to go to the rest room, and did the unthinkable. He tried to "jump the shark". He grabbed onto the side of the bowl, and hopped onto a floating piece of chicken from the soup that was near the edge. He got a good start, and saw the spoon was in his way. Apparently his clouded mind thought he could make the jump over the arm of the spoon, but no. The last thing he saw was the spoon, the cracker that was about 4" away and his drop into the scalding hot soup. Edjuardo suffered from third degree chicken soup burns over 100% of his body. When the employee got back, there was Edjuardo, dead as a doornail, floating in her soup. So there ends the life and times of Edjuardo Davis. He was a good man. A good father. Sure, he had his problems, but doesnt everyone. You will be missed Edjuardo. 52253[/snapback] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thailog80 Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 That is the single-most saddest story I have ever read, I am truly touched! RIP El Cucaracha! 52284[/snapback] La Cucaracha....gringo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rubes Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 How is a rooster-a-roach named Edjuardo actually Irish? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevestojan Posted October 1, 2004 Author Share Posted October 1, 2004 How is a rooster-a-roach named Edjuardo actually Irish? 52381[/snapback] We asked him about that, but he was self conscious about it, so I never pushed the issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duey Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thailog80 Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Vaya con Dios Edjuardo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillsGuyInMalta Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 *sniff* That should have been another story in the movie Requiem For A Dream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thailog80 Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 I knew this female cockroach that said Ed put the "rooster" in cockroach.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buffaloboyinATL Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 I have no idea how to respond to this story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevestojan Posted October 1, 2004 Author Share Posted October 1, 2004 I have no idea how to respond to this story. 52418[/snapback] if you knew Edjuardo you would. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dennis in NC Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Immune to nuclear war, but done in by chicken soup. It's a cruel world, indeed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevestojan Posted October 1, 2004 Author Share Posted October 1, 2004 Immune to nuclear war, but done in by chicken soup. It's a cruel world, indeed. 52465[/snapback] Well, we never got to prove or disprove the nuclear thing. But people say cockroaches can survive nuclear bombs. Edjuardo said he never heard of that and doesnt see why he would make it, but would be happy if he did, so long as enough humans survived to make more saltines... If only i knew it was his freak drug addiction, and not his sweet tooth that made him want them so bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gantrules Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Damn. My heart goes out to Edjuardo's family. If you see any of his siblings throw 'em a saltine for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevestojan Posted October 1, 2004 Author Share Posted October 1, 2004 Here's one of the last pictures of him http://www.insectimages.org/images/768x512/1233111.jpg (this picture PROVES you can find ANYTHING on the internet). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GG Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 William Burroughs you're not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevestojan Posted October 1, 2004 Author Share Posted October 1, 2004 William Burroughs you're not. 52491[/snapback] I have been called a Burrough before... well, some form of it at least. oh wait, thats Burro . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BuffalOhio Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 How is a rooster-a-roach named Edjuardo actually Irish? 52381[/snapback] Kinda like Garcia's Irish Pub, eh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevestojan Posted October 1, 2004 Author Share Posted October 1, 2004 does anyone find it slightly unusual that i wrote this long ass story, and then search simply for the word "cockroach" on goole images, and on the third page or so was a picture of a cockroach and a saltine cracker... I am really rather amused by that... i mean, i could have picked any food in the world. The reason i picked saltine cracker is because in my kitchen at my house we have like 5 boxes of em for some reason... weird coincidence... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuckincincy Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Stevestojan: In the '20's, -30's, '40's.... The author of a Chi Trib column and several books was Don Marquis, and the cockroach, "archy" archy the cockroach typed his prose by jumping onto the typewriter keys, and could not use the shift key. It was some of the best social commentary ever writ... Look it up. Deep and hilarious at the same time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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