ICanSleepWhenI'mDead

I always thought "Direhard Fan" was pretty strange, but then again, I always liked this SNL skit: Jane Curtin: According to a report released this week by the Department of Health Education and Welfare, 13% of all American adults are functionally illiterate. Functional illiteracy prevents these people from holding any job which requires any kind of reading or writing, and also hinders their normal activities, such as driving or ordering in restaurants. Now, this is the subject of tonight's commentary. The biggest problem of illiteracy is one of identification. Illiterates are ashamed, and live in fear that someone will discover their secret. The sad fact is that these people are tragic victims of our educational system, which promotes slower students to a higher grade, rather than dealing with the problem at hand. If the role of the educational system was better understood, illiteracy would not carry the stigma which prevents people from admitting that they simply cannot read. Remedial programs have shown to be effective, even with those who have a scant formal education. Other civilizations -- Switzerland and the Soviet Union, in particular -- have made enormous stride agaisnt this social epidemic. While the United States, as developed as we are, falls disgracefully behind. The illiteracy problem CAN be solved, but first we must admit that it exists, and then attack it squarely and forthrightly. Thank you. [ as Jane delivers her commentary, the following SCROLL appears on-screen: COMMENTARY Actually, not so much a "commentary" as a plea for the round-up and elimination of functional illiterates. After all, let's not kid ourselves... these people are a social nuisance. They can't read traffic signs; they can't make change; they open our mail by mistake, and God knows they never R.S.V.P. Even the simplest things utterly baffle them: eye charts, shoe sizes, area codes and M&M's -- to say nothing of logical positivism or Proust's A La Recherche du Temps Perdu. You know what we're talking about. If you agree that something ought to be done to stamp out illiteracy, send your comments to: KILL THE ILLITERATES c/o Weekend Update 30 Rockefeller Plaza New York, N.Y. 10020 P.S. If you're watching this "commentary" with an illiterate friend, and he asks you what this is, don't panic... just tell him it's an M&M. ]

Needle.

2/5/15 Dear diary, There is a perception out there that I quit on the Buffalo Bills. I don't agree with that. Those up-staters must not understand contracts. I take $4 million that I earned for making my family endure those winters while I performed a miracle, and the ingrates say I quit. The players and other coaches know that was just put out there. Ralph gets decades of a sweetheart stadium lease deal and takes tens of millions of local WNY tax dollars while living several states away basking in the Michigan sunshine. But does he take any heat for it? Obviously not when they have me to kick around for taking a measly $4 mill. If they don't like folks worth millions, they should still be bashing Ko Simpson. I didn't see him sticking around after he got his money. I repeat - - I did not quit - - I merely OPTED OUT. Leaders of men throughout history have been crucified for opting out by peons who simply never had any options to make choices. When King George opted out of taxing the colonies for drinking Starbucks, people said he quit. When Lee opted out of Sherman's march to the sea, people said he quit. When the Dodge brothers opted out of making the Edsel, people said they quit. But you know what? King George, Robert E. Lee and the Dodge brothers were all great leaders of men, and every last one was misunderstood. If you don't plan to have options, you wind up like General Custard. Now there's a guy who wishes he had my foursight to negotiate an opt-out. I bet history books written by sheep will even say Roberto ("No Mas") Duran quit during his fight with Sugar Ray. The man had options, and after assessing the situation, he chose to exercise the best one. That's what real leaders do, even if they're not American! It's lonely at the top, but I'll continue to lead so others like Nate can follow or at least get out of the way. Obviously humble, Grand Imperial Poobah Doug

I can't explain your manual razor habits, but everybody (well, almost everybody) knows that electricity moves counter-clockwise.

If you want options not talked about: 1. Our LBs sucked for years, but no more. Wonder who we could get in trade for Kiko? 2. Find a rocket arm overseas: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EiC8o7i_ZqE

Do you remember the famous video highlight of Dan Marino faking a spike at the line of scrimmage and then throwing a touchdown pass right in the face of defenders who had relaxed thinking the play was over? Do you think that play would have worked if he hadn't actually spiked the ball on earlier plays? C'mon man - - think a little. The Orton "slide" play that everybody here complains about wasn't even on the last drive of the game.

http://www.tshaonline.org/handbook/online/articles/hrntr

New 2015 report released by Stanford: http://www.theonion.com/articles/scientists-speculate-extraterrestrials-may-have-co,37686/

http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-finds-millennial-generation-stays-on-phone-w,30725/

Fair enough - - arm. I've seen Jim Abbott pitch, and I watched the season of The Amazing Race where the woman surfer who lost an arm to a shark attack more than held her own against able-bodied competitors. Although my injuries weren't severe, I once had a leg in a cast for a few weeks, and on a different occasion had an arm in a sling for a few days. The leg problem had a much bigger impact on my daily activities. So for me - - arm.

So you figure that South African Olympic "blade runner" guy's dead model girlfriend has a sister?

Well, what if we cut off your hand or your foot first and re-attached it to the mechanical replacement for your arm or your leg? The question was really about losing an arm or a leg, not about losing a hand or a foot. I don't know what other recreational activities are important to you, so which would it be? Arm or leg?

/thread

I know nothing about the "bimbo wannabe actress" he's dating, and I'm no fan of the guy. But unless his marriage vows included something about what he promised to do for the first year after "death do us part," or he started getting involved with the bimbo while his wife was still alive, his current dating habits may say something about his judgment, but they don't reflect poorly on his character. His kids should be happy he has a life, cause their mom was the one who died, not him.

If she was Paulina Columbia from Vega she'd have a more credible claim to being Miss Universe. I could get behind her as Miss Earth, however.

If I could bring just one back today? Bob Kalsu

How about March 14 in 159 AD?

I always liked "Love On a Real Train" by Tangerine Dream in the late night train scene in Risky Business: and I also thought "Humans Being" by Van Halen in the competitive storm chasing scene in Twister was pretty good, too:

Rex Ryan

January 20th, Dear diary, People are so mean. They tease me because they think that coaching the Bills to a winning record for the first time in like forever isn't really a miracle, so I haven't earned the right to be called Saint Doug. Well I've got news for all the haters. If I can't perform miracles, how did I get my dog to author his own video diary? 'Splain that to me, Mr. Whaley. When the Pope visits Philadelphia, I'm gonna give his whole Ynez this link, and we'll see about who deserves sainthood: I miss my testicles, too, Saint Doug

January 19th Dear Diary, Thought I had the Fireman Ed Doug gig with the Jets, but the helmet was too small. I tried to persuade them that the small helmet made my hose look bigger, but to no a veil. Go figure. I've still got coach of the Orange on my resume. Maybe I'll look for a team named the Lime or the Tangerines or maybe even generic Citrus. Fruit teams always love me, Doug

January 18th, like really late at night (or is it early in the morning - - who cares, I can sleep when I'm employed) Dear Diary, Things are looking up. Remember Fireman Ed, that Jets so-called "fan" who quit on his team? Woody says I'm the perfect guy to replace him - - they've still got the fireman's helmet for me to wear. I've got a private interview for the job soon (I wonder why they called it an audition?) Don't know if I'll have to bring my own hose to the games - - mine's pretty short so maybe Hack-it can hold it for me. XOXO to me, Doug

???

Liffey Skender is complaining about the school name? Liffey?