Phil Hansen Forever

MEAT: Baby Back Ribs FISH: Walleye CRUSTACEAN: Blue Crab VEGGY: Silver Queen Corn with butter FRUIT: Strawberries BREAD: Sourdough DRINK: Genny Cream

On the flip side, if you ever wonder which is the fastest method to get the charcoal hot, Purdue University Enginers figured it out for you: LIGHTING CHARCOAL GRILLS or WHY ENGINEERS ARE THE WAY THEY ARE... Our subject today is lighting charcoal grills. One of our favorite charcoal grill lighters is a guy named George Goble (really!!), a computer person in the Purdue University engineering department. Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill. Being engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process. "We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble told me in a telephone interview. "Then we figured out that it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner." If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal. From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an acetylene torch. Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with a reducing agent (the charcoal). We discovered that a long time ago, somewhere in the valley between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or something along those lines). By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times. But in the world of competitive charcoal lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the mustard. Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using -- get ready -- liquid oxygen. This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen. In terms of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million Labrador retrievers. On Gobel's Web page (the address is http://ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/), you can see actual photographs and a video of Goble using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for ignition. What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have ever seen, featuring a large fireball that according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The charcoal was ready for cooking in - this has to be a world record - 3 seconds. There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that's left is a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. "Basically, the grill vaporized," said Goble. "We were thinking of returning it to the store for a refund." Looking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American, all choked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near the engineers' picnic site. But also, I was proud of my country for producing guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it takes for guys in less-advanced nations, such as France, to spit. Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken? Will engineers come up with a new, more powerful charcoal-lighting technology? It's something for all of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana, looking for a mushroom cloud. Engineers are like that. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I agree with Nodnarb, oralgell is only good for gums and gingivitus. If you can stand the taste, place an aspirin on the top of the tooth, and let it melt away. As for alleviating the problem, nothing works better than VICE GRIPS and it saves the cost of Dental treatment. Drink plenty of beer first.

Vicodin (aka Oxycondon) is stronger, but doesn't last as long. Percocet lasts longer and isn't as addictive as Vicodin and is usually prescribed more. Percocet does destroy the stomach lining, and thus you should take with food. To make it feel better, drink plenty of alcohol for a great experience.

Are you referring to those tiny little fishes you find in the streams of western NY, or are you referring to the hawgs that inhabit the rivers of Montana? The best fly fishing for rainbow or browns is either on the Missouri between Helena and Great Falls, or up on the middle fork of the Flathead, south of Glacier. You ain't going to find any big ones looking in New York. Been there, and wonder why you guys call it fishing, when its more like netting. My dad thought it was pretty cool watching the fishermen up on Catherine Creek, north of Elmira. I thought it was hysterical and wondered why they don't just use dynamite for all the people there. You want great trout fishing, you go to Montana. You want great Walleye, or Northern Pike, you come here to MN, we got plenty and you might not see anyone for an entire day!

I was stationed at Ellsworth AFB from 77-81 and roamed all over the Hills. Lead (pronouned leed) is just upstream from Deadwood. The Adams museum in Deadwood and Mt. Moriah (where Calamity Jane and Wild Bill are buried) are definate musts. Spearfish Canyon with visits to Bridal Vail Falls and the little known Roughlock Falls in Savoy are also great places to visit (Hwy 14A). If you are just looking for great views or inspiring fireworks, then of course Mt. Rushmore is the place to go, especially the night narration. What are your plans, or what are you looking to do? I know the hills like the back of my hand, and have spent a great deal of time there on vacation after I left the area. If you would like to know more, feel free to ask.

AMEN to that. Go SIOUX!!!

48 on Ground Pigs Day! Go BILLS Wish MN had road snow removal crews like in western ny. We get 4 inches of snow, and its a disaster. Maybe you guys could lend us Hilary for the weekend. She has enough hot air to warm the state up 10 degrees!

My wife and I are planning a trip back east this coming September, and would like to take in a game at the Ralph, but haven't seen the 2005 schedule posted anywhere. Is it out yet? We need to make our reservations by 1/25/05 to insure we get the time share. So if any of fans happen to know which games will be at home and on what dates, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks, MN John

While attending a Michael W. Smith concert this past December, the PETA folks were gathered at the door passing out brochures asking the question "What would Jesus Eat, and What would Jesus Drive"? This really irks me good, but a good friend of mine answered it for me. Looking PETA mite in the eye, he flat out told him off. Jesus would drive a Dodge Magnum extended cab pickup truck with a 8-cylinder, dual exhaust Diesel engine with a very large ladder rank and topper. For everyone knew, Jesus was a CARPENTER, and all carpenters would drive that if they had the choice. The PETA guy about crapped his drawers and came back with, well he was still a vegetarian. In which my friend replied, sorry pal, he was a jew, and jews ate passover meals which included gouging out the eye of lamb, and giving it as an honored present to the head of the table, which was obviously Jesus. All the people around clapped and cheered, and the PETA people beat feet out of the area. Those guys are morons, and not only out of touch with reality, they usually make it up as they go.

My wife drives an Aztek too. Its like the B-52 BUFF - Big Ugly Fat F*cker, but boy is it nice in snow and for road trips. The damn thing gets 26 MPG on the highway and 20 around town. Her's is the 2001 model without the air foil on the rear, but don't understand why they added one anyway. What it really needs is a rear window wiper, not a stupid foil. The damn thing even comes equipped with its own built-in air compressor and hoses so you can pump up the tires when needed. And by golly, you can even carry a dozen 2 x 4 x 8' with the hatch down, not to mention 6 3/4" sheets of plywood too (tailgate must be down for that one). Ugly as all get out, but a swan on the inside.

So the the Bills didn't beat the Steelers, so what? They squished the fish not once, but twice. They turned around a miserable season and almost made the playoff's. My hat is off to Mularkey and his coaching staff. He did what Wade and Greg couldn't conceive of, that is having a winning record. He turned a team around that had one of the worst offensive lines in the NFL, into at least above par. Sure, they weren't in the playoffs, but did anyone expect the Bills would be there last August? Every reporter and sports mag, listed Buffalo as DEAD LAST in the AFC East, 'put a fork in them, they are done'. Instead, Buffalo came in third, and should have finished second. Sure, Bledsoe doesn't look so hot, but then neither does Losman. My vote would be for Mathews, who actually had pocket awareness last weekend, when they played San Fransisco. Losman, looked like Rob Johnson, are they clones? And Bledsoe was oblivious yesterday. He hadn't a clue that he was about to be blind sided. You can't tell me QB's can't sense when they are about to be hammered. Ask Marino, if he didn't sense when BRUCE was nearby, I'm sure he did. But Bledsoe can't, or is incapable of sensing impending doom. Maybe he has been hammered so often, that the god given ability to sense danger has long since disapeared, or maybe he never had it, but its time for him to step down, or at least laterally. My hat is off to Mularkey and his staff, for turning around a team that was good as done last summer. He made me feel proud to be a Bills fan again, especially in Vikings country. I have never been ashamed of the Bills, going all the way back to 1963 and my first game. Even in those horrific years of 2 and 14. To me, if you can squish the FISH TWICE, its a winning season, no matter if you make the playoff's or not. GO BUFFALO!

Absolutely CONCUR! The Original Psycho. You didn't have to have gore, but pure unadultered terror went just as far. Hitchcock was awesome.

A man is walking by a bar, and hears wonderful piano music coming from within. The man stops and listens for a bit and is amazed with the skill and quality of the music. So curiousity overtakes him, and he looks inside, but doesn't see a piano anywhere. Walking up to the bartender, he asks him about the lovely music. The bartender graps his towel, and snaps it across his shoulder and tells the man to follow him. He leads the man to the back of the bar, and toward a wall with a small door built in it. The bartender opens the door, and has the man gaze within. The man looks inside, and sees a very tiny man, playing a very tiny piano. He is totally amazed, and asks where he found him. The bartender smiles, and tells the man he was wondering around the beach one day, and found an old lantern half buried there. He took the lantern home, and began to polish it up. All of a sudden, POOF! A genie appears. The genie says "I am the genie of the lantern, vhat ever you vish I vill grant you, but only one vish". The bartender thinks for a moment, and poof...the genie granted him the wish. The man is stunned, and amazed at the both the story and the music. The bartender thinks for a bit, then tells the man he keeps the old lantern behind the bar for good luck. He goes over and fetches it to show the man. The man looks it over and is very impressed, and hands it back to the bartender. The bartender tells the man to keep it, since he has already gotten his one wish, there really is no reason to keep it any more. The man politely refuses, telling him he can't take his magic lantern, but the bartender insists. The bartender gives him the lantern, and his towel, and the man starts to polish up the lantern. Once more the genie appears and replies "I am the genie of the lantern, vhat ever you vish, I vill give you, but only one VISH! The man thinks for a moment, and says "I want a million bucks" Poof, the room is full of ducks DUCKS, DUCKS? I ask for a million bucks, and I get a room full of DUCKS? And the bartender says "You actually think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

An old women enters a Baskin Robbins and orders a bowl of Chocolate Ice Cream. The attendant apologizes, and says that they are out of chocolate today, but have 30 other flavors to chose from. The old lady thinks for a second, then orders a large chocolate cone. The attendant, scratches his head, and once again tells her they are out of chocolate ice cream, but have 30 other flavors to chose from. They have banana ripple, peanut butter - chocolate delux, but no chocolate. The old lady thinks again, then orders a medium chocolate shake. The attendant is totally perplexed, and thinks for moment before replying. Excuse me maam, we are out of chocolate ice cream, and there apparently is a communication problem here. I have an idea, can you spell "van" as in vanilla? The old lady replies, of course. V A N! The attendant thanks the lady, and asks her another question: Can you spell "straw" as in strawberry? The lady nods her head, and replies S T R A W! The attendant smiles, and tells her that he has only one question left. Maam, can you spell "!@#$" as in Chocolate? The woman looks at him strangely, and replies....there is no !@#$ in chocolate. The attendant replies "EXACTLY"

I've had one too, but unlike the rest of the posters, I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). If you are unlucky like me, a colonoscopy is extremely painful, and the worst part isn't over until all the gas is passed days later. The cramping is tremendously uncomfortable at best, and at worst darn right painful. The laxatives and enema's are only the beginning. Just hope they find anything, then it can get really nasty. Best of luck

It sure does. I thought western new yorkers had to pass the regents, but apparently these people skipped it. Too many da fur sur and gee tanks out dere for meat.

A brother of an old girlfriend of mine, showed me theirs. Up to that point in my life, I had never heard of a Spud Gun, but was surely impressed after he fired one off and it traveled nearly 1/4 mile at nearly supersonic speed. We reloaded and added an additional two second burst of hair spray and fired it. It launched with a 3 foot flame, and traveled almost 1/2 mile, before becoming mashed potato's on the roof of some neighbors house. Being the creative engineer that I am, I went home and "IMPROVED" his puny spud gun. I built it out of 1 1/2" PVC with a 3" gas chamber, and the prerequistite 3 foot launch tube. No longer was it a one person firing unit, but this monster required two people to fire. I loaded my first large spud up, and placed it upon a tripod and fired it at my entry door on my garage. Boom! The door caved in like it was made out of paper. Not good, didn't want that to happen. Fixed the door, and "Improved" the gun again, making it larger. The second try was much better, this time the force behind the gun was triple what my girlfriends brother had created. I took am at our local gang of thugs in the neighborhood, sellling drugs. Of course the cops were oblivious to their dealings, but once I let loose with the gun, they were all over the neighborhood canvasing for the cannon. I'm told the noise was so loud, it was heard 13 blocks away. BTW, it bashed in the druggies BMW windshield like a hot knife through butter. I fired two rounds, the first took out the windshield, the second took out the radiator and front grille. I high tailed it back to my garage before the cops came. I hid the unit within my plumbing supplies and waited. Luckily, nobody saw who fired the damn thing, but those gang members never returned to that corner either. The cops never did figure out who fired the damn gun, but were very quick to announce on the news, that "Spud Guns" were illegal. Well, so is drug dealing, and nobody gives a stevestojan about that!

The pooch was surely screwed... Nice house