PIZ Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 --If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all. --And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with. --Its been a rough day. I got up this morning put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. --I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. --Once when I was lost. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He said 'I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide.' --My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. --I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. --I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. --My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. --When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. --I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it. --My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. --My sex life? Are you kiddin'? My sex life is like tryin' to shoot pool with a rope. --I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. --My wife told me to take out the garbage..I told her, you do it, you cooked it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevewin Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 This is my favorite: I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PIZ Posted October 20, 2004 Author Share Posted October 20, 2004 Was this one Rodney or was it Benny Hill (Is he still around?) "I'm so unlucky, if it was raining soup, I'd be holdin' a fork." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CajunBillsBacker Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Thanks, I needed those today. Those who never got the chance to see Rodney Dangerfield have missed out on life. The guy is truly the king of comedy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. Rich Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Was this one Rodney or was it Benny Hill (Is he still around?) "I'm so unlucky, if it was raining soup, I'd be holdin' a fork." 77191[/snapback] Benny Hill has been dead for a few years now. I can't remember when. I used to watch reruns of his show and I thought it was funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevewin Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 I was such an ugly kid ... when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could ... but he pulled through." I'm so ugly ... my mother had morning sickness after I was born. One day as I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early." Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" "He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 What's the definition of trust........two cannibals having oral sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChevyVanMiller Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 My wife, I tell ya, she's dedicated. We moved from New York to L.A. and she kept the same milkman. Now that's dedication! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zamboni Man Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 My old man is an such an alcoholic, he saw a billboard that said Drink Canada Dry, so he moved there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndZoneCrew Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay, fine! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndZoneCrew Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dogfood. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. Rich Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dogfood. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it. 77346[/snapback] Good one. That's from Back To School, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndZoneCrew Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Good one. That's from Back To School, right? 77351[/snapback] Caddyshack Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. Rich Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Caddyshack 77353[/snapback] Oh. I couldn't remember which one it was from. Caddyshack had a ton of good one liners from Rodney, especially the scene at the dinner party. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndZoneCrew Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Oh. I couldn't remember which one it was from. Caddyshack had a ton of good one liners from Rodney, especially the scene at the dinner party. 77356[/snapback] Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndZoneCrew Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Oh. I couldn't remember which one it was from. Caddyshack had a ton of good one liners from Rodney, especially the scene at the dinner party. 77356[/snapback] Your a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. Rich Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 That's what I'm talking about, EZC. What a great scene. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndZoneCrew Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buckeyebrian Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 This is my favorite: I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect." 77179[/snapback] I went to see my doctor, Dr Vinny Booom Batz - he said "You're too fat."" I said doc, I want another opinion. He said "ok, you're ugly too." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevbeau Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 "Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until someone passes out. Then bring one every ten." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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