Orton's Arm Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 Ralph Wilson needs to do whatever it takes to get the Bills a Super Bowl win. Whatever. It. Takes. Here is the plan. Step 1: Ralph Wilson has a long talk with his estate attorney. He arranges things so that 90% of the money garnered from the sale of the Bills will be put into a non-profit research organization. A genetics research organization! The remaining 10% goes to his current heirs. Step 2: Upon being funded, the genetic research organization will buy an island somewhere. Someplace far from anyone in particular, that nobody really notices, with at least a few square miles of space. Step 3: A genetics research facility will be quietly--very quietly!--established on that island. There will be a few researchers, their assistants, their families, and some cooks and maintenance people. Call it 30 - 50 people total. Step 4: The genetics researchers will obtain bone marrow samples from some of the best QBs ever to play the game, like Joe Montana and Aaron Rodgers. That will take care of the QB position. Step 5: To take care of the other positions--to really and truly take care of them--the researchers will experiment with adding a little non-human DNA to human subjects. Take the ostrich for example. Ostriches are bipeds, just like humans. Adult ostriches typically weigh between 140 - 320 pounds. Unlike humans, ostriches can run over 40 MPH, and can sustain speeds of 30 MPH over long distances. The genetic researchers would determine which particular genes are responsible for that, and then splice them into the genetic sequence of the team they're building. Step 6: The researchers would actually create two football teams' worth of players: one with ostrich DNA infused, the other with some feline DNA added. Players on the former team would be given names like Byrd, and would be described as ball hawks. Players on the latter team would be praised for their catlike quickness and reflexes. Step 7: People born as a result of this genetic engineering project would be brought up to believe that their true purpose in life is to sign with the Buffalo Bills as undrafted free agents. To remain loyal to the Bills, even if other teams make substantially better offers in free agency. They will be told that it is always morally wrong to sign with any team other than the Bills. They will also be told that any player who signs a long extension with the Bills will be awarded the chance to marry one of the beautiful, highly intelligent blondes that have been genetically engineered on another island owned by the genetics research center. Step 8: One of the reasons you created two teams is so that the two teams could scrimmage each other--a lot!--while the players are growing up. The other reason is for redundancy; in case one or the other of your genetic experiments didn't yield the results for which you hoped. Step 9: About 30 years after Ralph's passing, a new kind of Buffalo Bills team would step on the field. The offense would be led by a clone of Joe Montana or Aaron Rodgers. Their offensive and defensive linemen would be much faster than the other team's WRs. And much stronger than the other team's linemen. As for this team's WRs and DBs: you don't even want to know how fast they'd be! This team would destroy--absolutely obliterate--any other team unlucky enough to get in its path. The Bills would dictate to their opponents each and every week. They would go 19-0 and win the Super Bowl. Like I wrote at the beginning of this post, Ralph Wilson should do whatever it takes for the Bills to get a Super Bowl win. Literally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hazed and Amuzed Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 Step 10: profit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not at the table Karlos Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 did you really take the time out of your day to write this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
87168 Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 What the hell did I just read? hahaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coach Tuesday Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 Are you Easterbrooke? I'm serious. I've been suspicious for awhile now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TakeYouToTasker Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 did you really take the time out of your day to write this? Yes. Yes he did. And I, for one, am grateful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glory Bound Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 Somebody's got way too much time on their hands! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orton's Arm Posted October 1, 2012 Author Share Posted October 1, 2012 Are you Easterbrooke? I'm serious. I've been suspicious for awhile now. Lol, no, I'm not him. But now that I think about it, I realize that both he and I have that "comments from an unexpected direction" thing going on. Yes. Yes he did. And I, for one, am grateful. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillnutinHouston Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 I guess we all cope in our own way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canks Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 Ralph Wilson needs to do whatever it takes to get the Bills a Super Bowl win. Whatever. It. Takes. Here is the plan. Step 1: Ralph Wilson has a long talk with his estate attorney. He arranges things so that 90% of the money garnered from the sale of the Bills will be put into a non-profit research organization. A genetics research organization! The remaining 10% goes to his current heirs. Step 2: Upon being funded, the genetic research organization will buy an island somewhere. Someplace far from anyone in particular, that nobody really notices, with at least a few square miles of space. Step 3: A genetics research facility will be quietly--very quietly!--established on that island. There will be a few researchers, their assistants, their families, and some cooks and maintenance people. Call it 30 - 50 people total. Step 4: The genetics researchers will obtain bone marrow samples from some of the best QBs ever to play the game, like Joe Montana and Aaron Rodgers. That will take care of the QB position. Step 5: To take care of the other positions--to really and truly take care of them--the researchers will experiment with adding a little non-human DNA to human subjects. Take the ostrich for example. Ostriches are bipeds, just like humans. Adult ostriches typically weigh between 140 - 320 pounds. Unlike humans, ostriches can run over 40 MPH, and can sustain speeds of 30 MPH over long distances. The genetic researchers would determine which particular genes are responsible for that, and then splice them into the genetic sequence of the team they're building. Step 6: The researchers would actually create two football teams' worth of players: one with ostrich DNA infused, the other with some feline DNA added. Players on the former team would be given names like Byrd, and would be described as ball hawks. Players on the latter team would be praised for their catlike quickness and reflexes. Step 7: People born as a result of this genetic engineering project would be brought up to believe that their true purpose in life is to sign with the Buffalo Bills as undrafted free agents. To remain loyal to the Bills, even if other teams make substantially better offers in free agency. They will be told that it is always morally wrong to sign with any team other than the Bills. They will also be told that any player who signs a long extension with the Bills will be awarded the chance to marry one of the beautiful, highly intelligent blondes that have been genetically engineered on another island owned by the genetics research center. Step 8: One of the reasons you created two teams is so that the two teams could scrimmage each other--a lot!--while the players are growing up. The other reason is for redundancy; in case one or the other of your genetic experiments didn't yield the results for which you hoped. Step 9: About 30 years after Ralph's passing, a new kind of Buffalo Bills team would step on the field. The offense would be led by a clone of Joe Montana or Aaron Rodgers. Their offensive and defensive linemen would be much faster than the other team's WRs. And much stronger than the other team's linemen. As for this team's WRs and DBs: you don't even want to know how fast they'd be! This team would destroy--absolutely obliterate--any other team unlucky enough to get in its path. The Bills would dictate to their opponents each and every week. They would go 19-0 and win the Super Bowl. Like I wrote at the beginning of this post, Ralph Wilson should do whatever it takes for the Bills to get a Super Bowl win. Literally. I like the idea and agree totally but am TOTALLY disgusted that you didn't include Jim Kelly on that list. What an oversight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starrymessenger Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 Agree. Extreme measures. A red hot crowbar and a little liniment for the places that burn and you can turn a hyena into a deep thinker. Should be more than enuf to turn Mario into a pass rusher and Fitz into an NFL QB. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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