Empty Podium

I am being prepared as we speak.

Well, they're very important to me. Hopefully someone will remember the coasters this time...do you know how difficult it is to remove watermarks?

You rang?

Anyone else think it's odd seeing that old telephone sitting on the table? Must be a Ralph requirement. Who will step up to me first?

You rang?

I kept waiting for some news to report during the Marshawn Lynch fiasco; instead, I was shipped off to some dark workshop where I was sanded and refinished. Got an awful splinter.

What, no love for me?

I occasionally make an appearance before an important Bills' announcement.

Yes, it was me. Until the new OC stands behind me and places his hands on my wood, I won't know whether or not I like this hire.

Why thank you.

...it could be a sign. Or, they just like things clean in the press room. Carry on.

...no sweaty palms. Do you know what that salty, slimy stuff does to wood? Gregg Williams was bad enough; I think some of his manboob sweat even dripped onto my surface. Then they bring in this Mularkey character; he sweat so much trying to avoid answering questions that I thought I was going to start to rot right then and there. The Bills keep some pretty good towels around, though, and catastrophe was averted. Keep Empty Podium sweat-free!

I got a new coat of varnish. No press conferences at OBD, however.

This report is fraudulent, ignorant, repugnant, disgusting. I take offense at the accusations leveled by Beerbrain. Empty Podium has not resigned. Who cares if I enjoy an occasional visit to a strip club? What self-respecting podium doesn't enjoy having his microphone stroked every now and again? You think it's all fun and games, just standing around at OBD while octegenarians spit and drool all over you? Think of what I've had to endure over the past five years: "Gregg was the best interview I've ever seen." "We didn't execute." "I'm embarrassed to be a part of this community." "Willis needed a breather." "Kelly gives us the best chance to win." Not to mention, I have to stand there looking at Jerry Sullivan's ignorant mug during these PCs. I tell ya, it's enough to change the direction of my grain. So enough with these false rumors, ok?

I'm always standing. Maybe I'll get a couple of days off while Ralph and Marv figure things out. Hey, who put gum under there?

During the offseason I'm supposed to be allowed to rest up, but recently I've been taking a beating. Ease up, will ya Ralph?

nm