aussiew Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 Don't read this if you can't laugh at yourself. MESSAGE FROM HM THE QUEEN: To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA therefore not be able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up `revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: ———————– 1. The letter `U' will be reinstated in words such as `colour,' `favour,' `labour' and `neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell `doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix `-ize' will be replaced by the suffix `-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up `vocabulary' ). ———————— 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like' and `you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter `u" and the elimination of `-ize.' —————— 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. —————– 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ———————- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ———————- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. ——————- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ——————- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ——————- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as Australia is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. ——————— 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having ones ears removed with a cheese grater. ——————— 11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call Soccer and the other is Rugby. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). ——————– 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries. ——————- 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. —————– 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). ————– 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. —————— God Save the Queen! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beerball Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 This is just complete BS. I would like to stuff that old bag into my boot and motor over to the pub for a pint or two. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KD in CA Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 That's great. Sign me up based on these two points: Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as Australia is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. A couple of other points: The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. Can we still whine about eeevil oil companies? You will cease playing American football. I guess we can live with this since the Bills stopped playing American football 2 weeks ago anyway. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). President Obama is taking care of this already. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrDawkinstein Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 id take the queen over president palin any day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeanbe Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 Very funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fan in San Diego Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 I like it actually ! God save the queen. I especially like roundabouts. Lighted intersections are a pain in the ass and a waste of gas and time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KD in CA Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 I like it actually ! God save the queen. I especially like roundabouts. Lighted intersections are a pain in the ass and a waste of gas and time. Of course, the learning curve for Americans to figure out how to properly utilize roundabouts would be about 30 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fan in San Diego Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 Of course, the learning curve for Americans to figure out how to properly utilize roundabouts would be about 30 years. There is a roundabout downtown Buffalo. Or at least there used to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrDawkinstein Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 There is a roundabout downtown Buffalo. Or at least there used to be. theres a few of them on Richmond. they operate flawlessly. of course, Buffalo does have some of the better drivers of the country. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibs Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 1. The letter `U' will be reinstated in words such as `colour,' `favour,' `labour' and `neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell `doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix `-ize' will be replaced by the suffix `-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up `vocabulary' ). ———————— 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like' and `you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter `u" and the elimination of `-ize.' Like, you know, I'd kinda go with this one myself. 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ———————- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. Make sense to me 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. Real chips are better for two reasons......they are yummier & they are not French. 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as Australia is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. If the shoe fits...... 11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call Soccer and the other is Rugby. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Now that's just retarded. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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