Simon Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Turning off the TV and heading outside in the middle of the 3rd quarter definitely helped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewEra Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 <br />I thought you would say "Lifting things up and putting them down."<br /><br /><br />Seriously though, I'm leaving for Vegas on Tuesday, so that should help ease the pain.<br />. Dress warm, it's cold here too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SageAgainstTheMachine Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 (edited) Here's what I do... After every loss I head out to my garage, where I have a feral pig (Victor) tied up in chains. The chains might seem cruel, but they're really only a cautionary measure as all four of Victor's legs are broken anyway, and he's blind. I look Victor directly in the face and say "THESE ARE THE MEN THIS WEEK" and I recite the 53 names on the opposing team's active roster in reverse alphabetical order. When I get to the members of the opponent who scored touchdowns against the Bills, I bite my tongue until it bleeds and then I spit the blood into the pig's face. At this point, he starts squealing (wouldn't you?). I sing him a song to calm him. Usually it's 'We Built This City on Rock and Roll'. Once I had to sing 'Walk Like an Egyptian' because Victor just wouldn't stop squealing! When all the blood-spitting has finished, there is a really intense period of silence. This lasts...I don't know. 5 minutes? An hour? Whatever feels appropriate. I then strip completely naked except for a sock on my (obviously erect) penis. I blindfold myself and start to dance the tango with an invisible partner named Krystal. She asks me to make love, but there's no time. This is serious business. After the tango ends, I recite the pledge of allegiance one time for each point that the Bills scored, and then I poke Victor in the eye with a AAA battery for each point the opponent scored. I then fall to my knees and scream profanties toward the heavens until my voice becomes hoarse. When I'm hoarse, the last step commences. I use an x-acto knife to deftly carve a small (3 square inches or less) piece of flesh from my left buttock, and then I consume the flesh with a small dash of garlic powder. If I regurgitate, whatever comes back up is fed to Victor. He hates this part! But I make sure to give him a big sloppy kiss right on the mouth if it happens. Victor loves to use tongue, but I've been known to slap him. I'm not some whore, after all! This usually calms me down. Edited November 7, 2011 by SageAgainstTheMachine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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