booya2 Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 You've all been here... so here are some tips for taking a dump at work. After reading the joke, please vote in my poll... based on you, the reader's, feedback I may or may not make future 'comic relief' offerings such as these. From the bathroomjokes website: Title: Pooping At Work We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the... Unofficial Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. Escapee Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with Escapee) Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. Courtesy Flush Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. Walk of Shame Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. Out of the Closet Pooper Definition: A colleague who poops at work and proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. The Pooping Friends Network Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. Safe Havens Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. Turd Burglar Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. Camo-Cough Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. Astaire Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. Watermelon Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. Havana Omlet Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. Uncle Ted Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. Fly By Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. (The End) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oneonta Buffalo Fan Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 ok.....................................(little weird) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Hindsight Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 it is official i am dumber since reading that post Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duey Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 Conspicuously absent from the list is the following: The crop duster...this is the act of having to fart and getting up from your office/cube and walking around while letting the silent (it MUST be silent) fart out. As you walk along, you gradually let the built up gas out, making yourself feel better while at the same time saving you the embarassment of stinking up your work area. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Tomcat Posted February 5, 2007 Share Posted February 5, 2007 Conspicuously absent from the list is the following: The crop duster...this is the act of having to fart and getting up from your office/cube and walking around while letting the silent (it MUST be silent) fart out. As you walk along, you gradually let the built up gas out, making yourself feel better while at the same time saving you the embarassment of stinking up your work area. Nothing like letting a crop duster in a store with a lot of people and sitting back and watch the magic happen... Seeing 'Jr getting slapped by his mother is priceless...along with various looks of disgust...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
booya2 Posted February 6, 2007 Author Share Posted February 6, 2007 Since 57% of responses to my poll were at least 'busting a rye smile' if not wetting themselves with laughter... I will continue to bring future comical offerings to the board. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duey Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 Just thought of a couple more... Space invader: this is the guy that comes into the bathroom while you're in a stall, and picks the stall directly next to yours to do his business. A one-staff buffer should be maintained at all times, unless of course, it's a two stall facility. If this is the case, a fly-by should be executed. Down periscope: this is the act of lowering ones head below the level of the stall wall to identify the shoes (and possibly pants) of another pooper, especially if that person is a space invader. A subclassification of the down periscope is the Full Disclosure, which is the rare and horrifyingly embarassing instance when both poopers down periscope at the same time and meet eyes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuckincincy Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 Since 57% of responses to my poll were at least 'busting a rye smile' if not wetting themselves with laughter... I will continue to bring future comical offerings to the board. Now, that's funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buffan00 Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 I thought that was quit funny as well!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rubes Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 I would have said 'hearty chuckle' if I hadn't already seen this oh, like, 2 years ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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