buckeyemike Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 "I woke up one morning and all my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." "I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize." "Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back." "Half the people you know are below average." (Mike's note: that goes for everyone on this board, too. ) "99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name." (Mike's note: Hey now!) "A conscience is what hurts you when all your other parts feel so good." "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." "If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." "All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand." "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." "I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met." "OK, so what's the speed of dark?" "How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?" "If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something." "Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm." "When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane." "Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy." "Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now." "I intend to live forever...so far, so good." "If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?" "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines." "What happens if you get scared half to death twice?" "My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.'" "Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?" "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried." "A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking." "Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it." "The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread." "To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research." "The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard." "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up." "The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to sit on it." Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BB27 Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 Heres another... I bought a map of the US that's actual size.... At the bottom the scale says, "1 mile = 1 mile." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buckeyemike Posted December 21, 2004 Author Share Posted December 21, 2004 Heres another... I bought a map of the US that's actual size.... At the bottom the scale says, "1 mile = 1 mile." 171781[/snapback] Wasn't Steven Wright also the mountie in the only good Michael Moore film ever made, "Canadian Bacon"? Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cugalabanza Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 I just bought a new camera. It's so advanced, you don't even need it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ROCCEO Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 that is correct sir http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109370/?fr=c2...tPW9u;fc=1;ft=1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theesir Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 I put my instant coffee into the microwave oven and went back in time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cugalabanza Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 ...good...film..., "Canadian Bacon"? Sorry, you're way off on this one. Have you actually sat through it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest_Coach_Tuesday Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 "I'm going to get a full-body tattoo of myself, only taller." "Sometimes I levitate birds." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelly the Dog Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 He is awesome. I always liked the one about always seeing ballerinas on their toes, "Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buckeyemike Posted December 21, 2004 Author Share Posted December 21, 2004 Sorry, you're way off on this one. Have you actually sat through it? 171805[/snapback] Yes, I have, and I actually enjoyed "Canadian Bacon". See what a wonderful country we live in? We can both be Bills fans, yet still have wildly differing opinions on films. Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuckincincy Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 Sorry, you're way off on this one. Have you actually sat through it? 171805[/snapback] I thought is was ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bear Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 I have a huge seashell collection. Maybe you've seen it? I keep it on beaches all over the world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MadBuffaloDisease Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 "I bought powdered water, but I didn't know what to add." "Most people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HopsGuy Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 "My grandfather was on the first submarine. It didn't have a periscope. It had a kaleidoscope. [Makes gestures as if looking through a view finder] My God, We're surrounded!" "I had to get a new shadow. My last one wasn't doing the same thing I was." "I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add." "I once got a job at a factory where they made fire hydrants. You couldn't park anywhere near the place." ... and so on... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bear Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 Guys a genius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2003 Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 Heres another... I bought a map of the US that's actual size.... At the bottom the scale says, "1 mile = 1 mile." 171781[/snapback] hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fatKID_II Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 I was born 9 months premature... The doctor was freaking out... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Southernman Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 Haven't seen Steven Wright in years. Is he still doing any appearances, TV, etc.? Here's a couple more.... I went to the store to buy batteries, but they weren't included....so I had to buy them again. I got those deer whistles you put on your car that are supposed to keep deer from running into the road you're driving on. I put them on backwards....now the deer keep chasing me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weisbo Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 "The first time I read the dictionary, I thought it was a big poem about everything." "I was born cesarean section, so every time I leave the house I go out through a window." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BarkLessWagMore Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 2 more: "As my father said, you can't have everything in this world. Where would you put it?" "Women, can't live with them, can't shoot them." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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