We Come In Peace

Snap indeed. But don't forget Crackle and Pop. All three have laid the groundwork for our plans for decades. The wonderful people at Kellogs, including Tony the Tiger, have done more to further our cause than you are aware. Crayons knows more about their connection than he realizes. I'll leave him this hint: The original voices of the elves where provided by daWs butler, paul WincheL and Don messIck.

Be careful how deep you dig or else you may end up in jeopardy just like Crayons. Scattered throughout LOST are clues to a conspiracy far greater than you can possibly fathom. It's not just about the show. You've been warned.

1. Kraft Foods is just a pawn. The real owner of Capri Sun is a German company named WILD. Wild is an acronym for something sinister indeed, but it has nothing to do with our plans. In fact, it might be one of the few roadblocks to our eventual domination. I cannot risk getting into this subject at the moment, the risk is too high. Perhaps in a few days when I am on "assignment" in the Land of Lincoln I can shed more light. For now, remember this: What's black is white. Up is down. Green crayons in fact taste like peaches. 2. The reptilian aliens are a myth created by Stanley Kunitz to throw people off the scent of what you humans call "The Greys". Bob Kraft may, or may not, be part of Kunitz plans. My access to the classified invasion plans are limited. However I will say Kraft is on "The List". 3. & 4. At no time have we employed anyone from NASA. They are far too unstable to trust with our secrets. 5. & 6. My role in "The Plan" is one of cultural reconnaissance. However, as several lucky earthlings will confess, my kibbles and bits are working just fine. Repopulation is not a concern of ours.

First of all, David E. Twichell is not as much fun as he sounds. We took him for a ride a few years ago, gave him a tour and some excellent intergalactic sangria (he cannot hold his liquour ... lightweight). On one of our larger crafts we have a bar called "Devine Bovine", it's what you would call a rodeo themed establishment. Well, Twichey (as we like to call him now) who by this point was three sheets to the solar winds, declared he could bull ride better than our staff sergeant. Next thing we know, Twichey climbs on Zaxon, a bovine with a most unpleasant disposition (not the staff sergeant), and he got bucked into the first row and sprained his wrist. Ever since that night, Twichey has been going on and on about how we are mutilating cattle to make "super alien bovines" for our rodeos. It's all an elaborate lie to cover his shame from this night. So take what he has to say with a grain of sodium chloride.

As I have first hand knowledge of the plans for your planet, I can assure you that you are not doomed. Who knows, you might just come to enjoy your new station in life.