Tar and Feathers

Please refrain from distributing or disseminating any links, photos, or other materials from competitor organizations. I hold exclusive contractual rights with any mob formed on, in, or because of TwoBillsDrive.com. Thanks, T&F

Happy Birthday.

Fixed, oh fearless leader! I know i normally require a minimum party of 10, but due to your gratitude, would you like me to meet you at the place of residence of the certain posters that you spoke of in our last contact?

To Bills fans everywhere: I haven't been around lately, and that was due to my tremendously busy schedule during the playoffs and off-season. I had to go from Mr. Romo's house after wildcard weekend, to Mr. McNabb's house after the divisional playoffs (why philly fans blame him for the loss is beyond me, seeing how he was injured and did not play, but Philly fans seem to blame him for everything), all the while flying to Chicago 2-3 timer per week to visit the residence of Mr. Grossman. I needed a vacation, and thankfully February was a light month, with just the occasional voicemail about meeting a few individuals at the house of Mr Levy.*** (see note) It is definitely good to be back amongst my best repeat customers, Bills fans. Regarding the recent roster moves made by your team, and the recent articles and opinions published, it stands to reason that i may again be needed by my nearest and dearest friends in the near future. My entire stock of goods and services are at your disposal for the handling of Mr. Willis McGahee. I only ask that the details of your final plan be fully determined before contacting me. I do not appreciate my time being wasted as it was by the main stream media during the AFC Championship and the Super Bowl. On those two Sundays, i had been scheduled to meet the sportswriters at the house of Mr. Peyton Manning. Both times, however, the media failed to show up. Thankfully i had collected my non-refundable deposit. So Bills fans, I am back, ready, and open for business. Sincerely, TnF ***Two quick notes: 1. Mr. B.A. DOL, whomever you are, please remember you need at least 10 members in your party before i will make available my services. I was highly disappointed when i met you at Mr. Levy's house and there were only 3 other members in your party. This wastes time and resources. 2. Also Bills fans, please note i have changed my contact number on my website. I can no longer give our my personal cellular phone number, due to the unfortunate actions of a few Bills fans. I am sorry to inconvenience everyone, but this had to be done in response to my voicemail being flooded with calls to meet at Mr. Losmans's house from a "D. Luca", and someone else simply identifying themselves as "The Arm".

Should i make preparations to meet some of you at Mr. Littman's house?

Ok, i need a little bit of help from some Bills fans. Those who have read my TOS know that a party must have 5 or more members at the very least before i will consider doing business with them. Now i received almost a dozen requests from Bills fans in the past few days, all of them asking me to meet them at the house of one Jonathan Paul Losman. I was about to pack up and leave when i noticed something strange about the messages. I played them again, specifically listening to who was calling me, and now i fear i am trying to be taken advantage of. Heres where you Bills fans come in to help me. I will list the names of the callers and i would like to know if anyone else notices anything strange about the caller names. Or, if you know that these are real honest to goodness Bills fans, perhaps you fans could verify their identities and i can be on my way. Either way you would be doing me a great favor, and i will reward your help with a discount next time i am needed. Here are the names of the callers. Once again, thank you Bills fans in advance for your help. 1. Josh D. Gamble 2. Johnny D. Grady 3. Jim D. Gillson 4. Jeff D. Gentry 5. Jorge D. Gomez 6. Scott Law 7. Jill D. Granson 8. Jason D. Gepp 9. Jonathan D. Gundy 10. Jay D. Gee 11. James D. Girk Thanks for the help Bills fans!

Are my services needed? Just name the time and place.

So who is first up this week, J.P. Losman or Willis McGahee. I know you guys are out for blood this week. You'd be best off putting my number on speed dial.

I am here on standby. Just tell me where to meet you guys.

You're not the only one confused around here.

Mr. JDG, Please immediately cease your spamming of my voicemail with J.P. Losman's address. I must say that in all my years of service, i have never had anyone leave 58 voicemails, as you have since the conclusion of yesterdays game. For the final time, please read my policy. A mob MUST have greater than 5 members before i will conduct business with your party. You, Mickey, and that other Arm fellow you keep mentioning are not numerous enough for me to warrant a trip to Mr. Losman's residence. I thank you for your interest in my services, however if you do not stop harassing me, i will be forced to take legal action. Thank you.

Perhaps i should stay here in Buffalo this week after all.

Wills McGahee converted a few 3rd and 1's. Roscoe fielded all of his punts cleanly. Coy Wire blocked a punt and didnt really get torched. Spikes didnt play. Josh Reed caught a few passes and a TD. J.P. Losman didnt play great, but was solid and efficient. Nate Clements didnt get burned by Chris Chambers. Is it safe to say my services will not be needed for another week or so? My guess is no, you guys will find something to complain about.

Contact my secretary. For an advance, i can make a group of fans, or the leader of the mob, a Priority customer. For the small fee, thats gives you first access to my services for the week. The priority customer rules are that you must contact me with the appropriate address by sunday night at 11pm. After that time, i process thr orders in which i received them. So if you wish to become a priority customer and do not want to waste money, please contact your mob and make a decision on what player to attack within a few hours of the end of the game on sunday. Thanks.

Ok. I have a bone to pick with you guys. You Bills fans need better communications when requesting my services. I have had a hell of a past few weeks. First off, i was in New England last week taking part in the Deion Brach saga. Then last weekend, i had to drive across the country out to oakland to take care of jerry porter after the monday night game. After the long week/weekend, i was looking forward to getting some sleep. Then i got the call. It was from Buffalo, and the message contained an address, as per my usual business arrangements. Not being one to turn down a client, i checked out of my hotel in Oakland and hit the road. Now i got the call on tuesday, and hauled across this great land as fast as i could. Late wednesday evening, i arrived at the address i had been given. It was a orange and green house in Orchard Park, with a #21 on the garage door. It also had a banner strung across the front porch that read, "I am the greatest running back in the NFL." However, i looked around and no one was there. No angry crowd patiently awaiting my services, no crazed, insane football fans, hell, there was no leader. No one was at the house. Wanting to figure out what had happend, i placed some calls to my secretary, and some other contacts around the league. I was informed that there had been a crazy mob calling themselves "TSW" at the house on monday and tuesday, but had left early wednesady morning. When i asked why, i found that the mob had left #21's house and was headed to "TKO's" house. Now, i discovered the address of "TKO" and successfully made it on time to be of full use to the mob! It was quite a sight! I only ask you Bills fans, in the future, when making use of my services, to please keep me up to date on who and where i am going to be used at. Please do not become fickle and change your minds when i am on the road. I put a lot of time and energy into my services to keep NFL fans happy around the league, and i cannot stand for this utter waste of my time. If i am called to be used on #21, then please have someone waiting there to use my service, and do not just leave the designated address to go to another players house. In the future, if i do not get proper communication from you Bills fans, i will withdraw my services from this area. Then how will you effectively string one of your players up. I do not want a repeat of this past week's events. One player at a time please. Thank you for your understanding, and i look forward to the Bills and you fans keeping my business booming in the greater buffalo area for the duration of the season.