Barry in KC Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Let's see: History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of > small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the > mountains during the winter and would go to the coast to live on fish > and lobster in the summer. > > The two most important events in all of history were the invention of > beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man > to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization, and > together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two > distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives. > > Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the > beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can > were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting > around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the > brewery. That's how villages were formed. > > Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at > night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is > known as "the Conservative movement." > > Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to > live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and > doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning > of the liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved > into women. The rest became known as 'girleymen.' > > Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of > cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept > of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that > conservatives provided. > > Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, > most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are > symbolized by the jackass. > > Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer > white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their > beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal > fare. > > > Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have > higher testosterone levels than their men. > > Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers > in Hollywood and group therapists, are liberals. Liberals invented the > designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher > also bat. > > Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still > provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo > cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, > police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and > generally, anyone who works productively outside government. > > Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to > work for a living. > > Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the > producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe > Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the > liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. > They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of > trying to get MORE for nothing. > > Here ends today's lesson in world history Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RuntheDamnBall Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Woo-hoo, that was priceless. Top-notch, really. Please keep posting these! Did I mention it was hilarious? Occasionally a joke of legend status comes about, and, wow, you found one. If there is a joke hall of fame, I say we bypass the five-years' eligibility rule and canonize this one immediately. Wow, still trying to get back into my chair after that one. Wow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KRC Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Who will be the first liberal to post a joke, aimed at conservatives, in retaliation to this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RuntheDamnBall Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 I had to take the bait, it smelled even tastier than a sashimi platter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Coli Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 We'll laugh if it's funny. If not, we'll consider the source. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still > provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo > cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, > police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and > generally, anyone who works productively outside government. I take it back. That was pretty hilarious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UConn James Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 "The state of American humor is Arkansas." -- ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mickey Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 I'd laugh but in a week or so these jokes will be argued as bona fide facts in a book by Ann Coulter which will spend several months on the best seller list so it is hard to enjoy them now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crap Throwing Monkey Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Someone tell me if that's even worth reading... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KRC Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Someone tell me if that's even worth reading... 416757[/snapback] No. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crap Throwing Monkey Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 No. 416765[/snapback] Does that make you a liberal? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobblehead Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Does that make you a liberal? 416770[/snapback] No, just an America Hater. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RuntheDamnBall Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 No, just an America Hater. 416775[/snapback] Don't forget that it makes you a fabulous sushi-eater who really knows how to accessorize. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobblehead Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Don't forget that it makes you a fabulous sushi-eater who really knows how to accessorize. 416776[/snapback] Can I at least get a good bottle of beer? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RuntheDamnBall Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Can I at least get a good bottle of beer? 416796[/snapback] Only the finest Hefe-Weizen with a lemon, honey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobblehead Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Only the finest Hefe-Weizen with a lemon, honey. 416798[/snapback] Gezundheit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VABills Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 The answer to the question is? It demends on which centuries liberals we are referring to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RuntheDamnBall Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 The answer to the question is? It demends on which centuries liberals we are referring to. 416801[/snapback] I believe it's the 100 year-old ones who were born in 1999. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Coli Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 BTW, we also hate baseball, apple pie, and Chevrolet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KRC Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Does that make you a liberal? 416770[/snapback] No, I am a Communist. Please keep up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Coli Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 No, I am a Communist. Please keep up. 416831[/snapback] You have no sense of humor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobblehead Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Where will I go for my BBQ needs after the rapture? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KRC Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 You have no sense of humor. 416836[/snapback] I thought that was a given, since I am a Communist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crap Throwing Monkey Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 I thought that was a given, since I am a Communist. 416864[/snapback] Then who's the Nazi? Do Nazis have a sense of humor? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Coli Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Then who's the Nazi? Do Nazis have a sense of humor? 416865[/snapback] It's all about the reich and roll. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KRC Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Then who's the Nazi? Do Nazis have a sense of humor? 416865[/snapback] Nanook Smurf. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reuben Gant Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Then who's the Nazi? Do Nazis have a sense of humor? 416865[/snapback] Of course they do, how do you explain the funny marching? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boomerjamhead Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Yes - they laugh and snicker at those who are intellectually inferior to them. Which... is just about everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erynthered Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 Of course they do, how do you explain the funny marching? 416913[/snapback] Or those Helmuts that looked like Penis'sssss covers, those were funny looking. (I'm glad I dont know the plural for more than one penis. ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Coli Posted August 24, 2005 Share Posted August 24, 2005 (I'm glad I dont know the plural for more than one penis. ) 416936[/snapback] I believe you add another "i" on the end, and as long as that other "i" is not brown, you're OK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts