The Fire Hydrant.
For a few years now I have been calling him The Fire Hydrant. ...not because dogs urinate on him, but well, just look at him - he's heavy, made of metal and has short arms. I'm not sure where I got it from - I did not make it up, but I clearly remember calling him that during the ill-fated Dallas Monday Night Football game. It could be that one of the announcers made a remark to that effect.
Either way - just look at him ...and think about it; if someone clobbered you with a fire hydrant at you wouldn't be feeling so good afterwards.