ACor58 Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 31 Reasons Chuck Norris is better than you 1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. 2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it. 3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. 4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the ! crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. 6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. 7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris. 8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. 9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. 11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "!@#$ing." 12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. 13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. 14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris. 15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease. 16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila. 17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust. 18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection. 19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the !@#$ down. 20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. 21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. 22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors. 23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself. 24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill. 25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. 26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse s! aid, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with. 27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. 28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes. 29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's sh--. 30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero. 31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stl Bills Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 here is some more chuck.... Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stl Bills Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 A little more chuck... Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife. Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bartshan-83 Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 I got some too: Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living sh-- out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the sh-- out of little kids. One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies". Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. And my favorite: When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BravinSeattle Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 Funniest. Post. Ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mile High Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection. This is too funny, thanks guys..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Jack Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 Thought I'd seen these before... about a week ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ch19079 Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. i heard that clip. it was funny as hell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts