I Forgot My Last Username
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Posts posted by I Forgot My Last Username
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Technically, then, it should be called a "warmerator".
ps. I go to M.I.T., so this is correct.
pps. End of discussion.
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Could it be that I already miss Mike Williams now that he has been traded away to the Bucs?
Nope, that was just indigestion.
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Could it be that I'm already displeased with this thread?...
Nope. Of course not. I love this thread.
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"Y'know, I get problems from my baby mamas all the dang time. They're like, all up ons 'n sh--." -Marv Levy
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The "three technique" is how Mike Williams eats donuts in Tampa Bay.
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I don't know about Youboty, but Myboty always gets the chicks.
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So are you starting a rumor that says that Mike Williams jumped, fell through the floor all the way to China, and now starts on the Chinese Olympic basketball team?
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When did Mike Williams get traded to the Bucs?
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I'm referring to this:
ORCHARD PARK, N.Y. (Nov. 16, 2003) -- Bills offensive tackle Mike Williams sustained minor injuries when his truck rolled over en route to Buffalo's eventual 12-10 loss to the Houston Texans.He was treated at a hospital in Buffalo and then went to Ralph Wilson Stadium, where he was examined by the team's doctor. Bills spokesman Scott Berchtold said the doctor sent Williams home for rest.
According to police, Williams was reaching for something that he dropped and lost control of his pickup, ending up in the ditch. Williams was the only person involved in the accident about three miles from the stadium, police said.
"From what I briefly know the car was overturned," Bills coach Gregg Williams said. "I'm not totally clued in on everything yet but they took him in for X-rays on his shoulder. I don't think it's anything serious from what I'm aware of."
Williams has been the Bills' starting right tackle since the team selected him fourth overall in last year's draft. He had started the first nine games this season and 23 overall prior to missing the loss to Houston.
Backup Marcus Price took over as starter.
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Mike Williams doesn't roll over SUV's. SUV's roll over Mike Williams.
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Like Chevy says, Pepperments is actually an all male strip club.
I was playing a joke on Dawgg. "Taking the piss", if you will. A Shenanigan.
Thus the devil smiley.
Just want to make that clear.
Now that we've got that out of the way, yes, the Downer is the place to go. But I'd go get some lunch at Duff's before heading out.
(Cue Duff's versus Anchor Bar argument in 3..2..1...)
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I heard that Peppermints is a pretty great strip club.
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Me too man, I'm a Sox fan too.
Or, BUMP.
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Maybe the orginaization is focusing on character, and sending out a signal to future FA's that they won't be trapped in Buffalo, and Buffalo is a good place to play.
FA's don't like to be franchised, so this kind of sends a signal to NFL that Marv is a square dealer. There might be need for damage repair after the TD years too.
and lets face it, with the players we drafted we already new NC wasn't staying.
Excellent point. This is a good faith move. The anti-TD move. Instead of treating players like business commodities, pawns to be moved around, instead he is saying "We understand what you want. I will compromise and meet you half way - you sign, and you will be free to sign with us or some other team next year."
The Buffalo News article compares this to the Shaun Alexander move, where they franchised him but told him that they would not be franchising him next year, so he comes out and is motivated to have a good year.
This is the type of move a winning TEAM organization makes. I like it.
There is no incentive for that now. If Clements doesn't sign a long extension, he will just be free to go anywhere, and he will likely get his outrageous contract from someone. If we didnt agree to this we could have done the Peerless scenario next year, which is what would have likely happened. But now we cannot trade him at all. Unless it's before this year and that ain't likely to happen.Five years of Peerless Price-type moves only get you so far, huh? How bout time to consider a more old fashioned, respectful way of dealing with players.
By the way, there is some incentive for clements to re-sign - the Bills showed him good faith. If he truly gets the team concept, he re-ups his contract with us. If he does not, he leaves, and good riddance.
But one extra draft pick is not worth the animosity generated among the players for franchising NC year-in year-out.
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In honor of Mike "I wash myself with a rag on a stick" Williams, I present to you all the entire text of the Simpsons' episode where Homer gets fat so he can go on workman's comp.
from snpp.com:
Quotes and Scene Summary (courtesy of Gary Goldberg)[syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of
Frederic Briere.]
Smithers and two goons knock loudly at the door of the men's room at the
Nuclear Power Plant.
Smithers: Come on Simpson, open up! We know you're in there.
[The goons break the door open.]
[looking under stalls] Mmm...[points to stall] that one.
[The goons bust it open.]
Homer: [gasps] Someone's in here.
[Homer whimpers and whines while being dragged off.]
No...No! Oh! For the love of...
Smithers: Boy, I've never seen a man so desperate to get out of five
minutes of calisthenics.
-- Homer, king of bad health, "King-Size Homer"
All of the plant employees are outside, preparing to exercise.
Montgomery Burns addresses the employees.
Burns: One, two, three, four. Up, down, three, four.
[Homer sweats, gasps, and stammers.]
Carl: This new exercise program is great.
Lenny: Yeah, every muscle in my body is getting a workout, especially my
big fat mouth.
Homer: Yeah, especially your big fat...oh wait.
Burns: Raise your right huck, aerate.
Raise you left huck, aerate.
I want to see more Teddy Roosevelts and less Franklin Roosevelts!
-- Burns waxes poetic, "King-Size Homer"
Homer tries to do a push-up.
Homer: [struggling to complete a pushup] Two!
Lenny: Actually Homer, that's just one. See, each pushup includes both
an up part and a down part.
Homer: D'oh! Hey, where's Charlie? How'd he get out of this?
Carl: Uh, he's at home on disability.
Lenny: Yeah, he got injured on the job and they sent him home with pay.
[scoffs] It's like a lottery that awards stupidity.
Homer: Stupidity, eh?
-- At that, Homer's a viking, "King-Size Homer"
Homer wanders around, muttering "Must hurt self, must hurt self, must
hurt self..." He spies a "Hardhat Area", with signs warning of careless
workers above. A wrench falls, and he runs over to stand where it fell
-- only to have a bucket of nails fall in the place which he just ran
from. "D'oh!" He runs back. A workman walks over, and a wheelbarrow
of bricks falls on him. "Hmm," muses Homer, "probably better that
didn't hit me."
Homer pours oil on the floor and, getting a running start, slides
through it, past several monitoring stations and Smithers, and into
Burns office, where he comes to a stop.
Burns: Yes?
Homer: [pause] Hello.
Burns: May I help you?
Homer: Uh...could you give me a little push in the opposite direction?
Burns: [slowly] Okay.
[burns pushes Homer in the other direction using a long wooden
pointer.]
Homer: Thank you.
-- Homer's self-injury attempt through oil fails, "King-Size Homer"
Later, Homer is reading through a book called "Am I Disabled?
Homer: "Carpal tunnel syndrome"...no.
"Lumber lung"...no.
"Juggler's despair"...no.
"Achy breaky pelvis"...no. Oh, I'm never going to be disabled!
I'm sick of being so healthy.
Hey, wait...hyper-obesity! "If you weigh more than 300 pounds,
you qualify as disabled."
-- A fanfare plays, "King-Size Homer"
Homer imagines a mountain with 300 lbs. as the goal at the top, A
tuxedo-ed pig appears at his shoulder.
Pig: You can do it, old boy!
Homer: Yes I can!
[Runs up mountain, then turns and runs back to pig and takes a
bite of his arm.]
Pig: Yes...that's the spirit!
-- Homer climbs the metaphorical mountain of weight gain, "King-Size
Homer"
Cut to the Simpsons' living room. Bart is sitting on the couch.
Bart: If you gain 61 pounds they'll let you work at home?
Homer: Y'uh huh, that's the deal. No more exercise program, no more
traffic, no more blood drives or charity walks.
Bart: Dad, I know we don't do a lot together but helping you gain 61
pounds is something I want to be a part of.
[Lisa swings here chair around, unexpectedly appearing.]
Lisa: Dad!
Homer: [frightened] Aah!
Lisa: I must protest. You're abusing a program intended to help the
unfortunate.
Homer: Hee hee hee, I'm not saying it isn't sleazy, honey, but try to
see it my way: all my life I've been an obese man trapped inside
a fat man's body.
Lisa: Have you told Mom about this?
Homer: No, it would only worry her. If you want to add to her worries,
go ahead. I guess _I'm_ just a little more grateful for all the
things she's done for us.
-- Backwards rationalizing, "King-Size Homer"
Lisa: [annoyed] Dad!
Homer: Yes, sweetheart?
Lisa: Obesity is really unhealthy; any doctor will tell you that.
Homer: Oh yeah? Well we'll just see about that little miss smart
guy!
[Cut to Dr. Hibbert's office.]
Dr. Hibbert: [gasps] My God, that's monstrous. I've never heard of
anything so negligen -- I'll have no part of it!
[Turns his back on Homer.]
Homer: Can you recommend a doctor who will?
Hibbert: [turns around again] Yes.
-- And that doctor is..., "King-Size Homer"
Dr. Nick Riviera walks into the room.
Dr. Nick: Hi everybody!
Homer+Bart: Hi Doctor Nick!
Nick: Now there are many options available for dangerously
underweighted individuals like yourself. I recommend a slow
steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology.
Homer: [pensive] Of course.
Nick: [points to a chart] You'll want to focus on the neglected
food groups such as the whipped group, the congealed group
and the chocotastic!
Homer: What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor?
Nick: Well...be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with
bread, use poptarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon,
heh...
Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!
Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?
And remember, if you're not sure about something, rub it
against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it's
your window to weight gain. Bye bye, everybody!
-- Bye, Dr. -- oh, forget it, "King-Size Homer"
Cut to supermarket.
Homer: Oh, it's a dream come true, boy. I can -- nay I must -- eat
everything I've always wanted. Now come on, every second I'm out
of bed I'm burning precious calories. Now get grabbing!
-- Shopping becomes fun, "King-Size Homer"
Homer and Bart grab assorted disgusting fattening foods and throw them
in the shopping cart while joyful music plays. Cut to ice cream shop
where Homer is gorging a sundae.
Homer: [stuffing himself] Ahhh!
Bart: Eat around the banana, Dad. It's just empty vitamins.
-- The secret to eating a banana split, "King-Size Homer"
Cut to health food store. Homer is stocking up on weight gain products.
The cashier observes, "Lucky for you this stuff doesn't work."
Cut to Krusty Burger. Homer is surrounded by empty wrappers. Bart
offers him the last sandwich. Homer says, "I don't know. Fish
sandwich...are you sure?" Bart rubs the sandwich on the wall until the
wall turns clear, which is all the excuse Homer needs. A bird flies
into the newly clear wall.
Cut to Simpsons' bathroom. Homer steps on the scale.
Homer: [whines] Ohh...225! That means I lost weight!
Bart: Ahem...Homer, you're, uh, on the towel rack.
[Homer moves his stomach blubber. Scale shows 296.]
Homer: Woo hoo! Four more pounds and my dream comes true: working at
home.
-- So close, "King-Size Homer"
Homer fantasizes about how his life will become once he starts working
at home. He sits outside wearing sunglasses at his work station under a
sun umbrella.
Marge: Here's your lemonade, and here's your beer. Ooh, you're such a
vigorous young go-getter. When's your next coffee break?
Homer: [lascivious] Any time I want...[growls]
[They giggle.]
-- Homer's dream world, part one, "King-Size Homer"
Homer puts on a record and dance music fills the air. He and Marge
begin to dance as Flanders pulls into his driveway and walks by, looking
haggard.
Flanders: [moaning] Ohh...
Homer: Hey, Flanders. Bad day at the rat races?
Flanders: Yeah, a crazy guy shot a bunch of people and the subway ran
over my hat.
-- Homer's dream world, part two, "King-Size Homer"
Homer's fantasy life spills over into reality as he dances around the
bathroom by himself. Bart entreats Lisa to come and see, and she
giggles when she does. "Neat!"
Cut to Homer and Marge's bedroom. Marge is laying on the bed reading a
book. Homer sits down and his weight causes the bed to tilt, throwing
Marge on top of him.
Marge: [getting thrown on top of Homer] Whoa!
Homer: Oh! Hello, honey.
Marge: Hi. Erm, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. Did
you put on a little weight this week?
Homer: I was going to surprise you, but what the heck: honey, I'm
purposely gaining 61 pounds to get on disability!
Marge: [gasps] Have you lost your mind? Have you thought about your
health...or your appearance?
Homer: Oh. So that's it, isn't it, Marge? Looks. I didn't know you
were so shallow.
Marge: Oh, please. I would love you if you weighed 1000 pounds, but --
Homer: Beautiful. Good night.
[Quickly turns off light.]
-- Better not hear the end of that sentence, "King-Size Homer"
Cut to Homer and Bart in the living room, before Homer goes to work.
Homer is weighing himself.
Homer: Oh, I've got 15 minutes to gain a pound or I have to face another
day at work!
Bart: Bad news, Dad. We're out of food. We're even out of the basic
elements of food. You ate all the tarragon and you drank all the
soy sauce.
Homer: I need a miracle. [Maggie squeezes off some Play-Doh and shapes
it into a donut, handing it to Homer.]
Homer: Aw, honey, that looks just like a real donut.
Bart: [goading] Dad...its says its non-toxic.
Homer: [eating it] Well, that's a plus.
[Eats it and weighs himself again. Just over 300 lbs.]
Woo woohoohahoo!, I did it!
Bart: Uh, Dad, towel rack.
[Homer removes his blubber from it. Scale reads 315.]
Homer: [gurgles with delight] oh my.
-- With room to spare, "King-Size Homer"
[End of Act One. Time: 7:55]
Cut to Homer's new home office. Many plant personnel are gathered
around for the inauguration ceremony.
Burns: [clears throat] I'm pleased to dedicate this remote work
terminal; it will allow our safety inspector here to perform
his duties from home. And so excelsior to you, Mr...[to
Smithers] What's the name of this gastropod?
Smithers: Simpson, Sir. One of your chair moisteners from Sector 7G.
Burns: Yes...Simpson!
[Everyone claps.]
Homer: [teary] Thank you for your pity.
Lisa: Mom, were you ever planning to step in and put a stop to this?
Marge: Normally your father's crackpot schemes fizzle out as soon as
he finds something good on TV. But this season...[shudders]
-- The wonder of self-reference, "King-Size Homer"
A member of the press takes a photo of a smiling Burns, whose picture
appears the next day with the headline, "Burns survives shut-in".
Cut to Homer entering "The Vast Waistband", a clothing store.
Homer: I'm looking for something loose and billowy, something
comfortable for my first day of work.
Salesman: Work, huh? Let me guess. Computer programmer, computer
magazine columnist, something with computers?
Homer: Well, I use a computer.
Salesman: [quietly, to self] Yeah, what's the connection? Must be the
non-stop sitting and snacking.
[more audibly] Well, sir, many of our clients find pants
confining, so we offer a range of alternatives for the ample
gentleman: ponchos, muumuus, capes, jumpsuits, unisheets,
muslim body rolls, academic and judicial robes --
Homer: I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll just go with a
muumuu.
-- Homer, inconspicuous, "King-Size Homer"
Homer walks out in a blue muumuu with red flowers on it as people around
the mall turn to stare.
Cut to Homer's bedroom, next morning. The radio is announcing the
morning traffic.
Arnie: Arnie Pie in the sky with the morning commute. Traffic this
morning is as bad as it gets. Due to a fire at the Army testing
lab, a bunch of escaped infected monkeys are roaming the
expressway. Despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your
windows, 'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable.
Homer: Hee hee hee. I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas
break honk. Gas break honk. Honk honk punch. Gas gas gas.
[Walks to terminal.]
8:58, first time I've ever been early for work. Except for all
those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers.
-- Without whom, new obese Homer wouldn't exist, "King-Size Homer"
Homer reads the computer screen.
Homer: [reading screen] "To Start Press Any Key". Where's the ANY key?
I see Esk ["ESC"], Catarl ["CTRL"], and Pig-Up ["PGUP"]. There
doesn't seem to be any ANY key. Woo! All this computer hacking
is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a TAB. [presses TAB
key] Awp...no time for that now, the computer's starting.
[reading screen slowly] "Check core temperature, yes slash no."
[types] Yes.
"Core temperature normal." Hmph. Not too shabby.
"Vent radioactive gas." [types] NO.
"Venting prevents explosi-on." Heeheee...whoa, this is hard.
Where's my Tab? Okay, then, [types] YES, vent the stupid gas.
[Cut to a farmer tending his corn. The gas release blows away
part of the crop.]
Farmer: Oh, no! The corn. Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke.
-- Curse you, popcorn manufacturers, "King-Size Homer"
Cut back to living room. Bart and Lisa get ready to leave for school.
Homer: [taunting] Bart and Lisa have to go to school, while I get to
stay at home, naah naah nah naah naah.
Lisa: I like school.
Homer: Well, why don't you live at it, then?
Lisa: [drolly] I would if I could.
Bart: Not me, sister. When I grow up I want to be a lardo on workman's
comp, just like Dad.
[imagines an older, superfat Bart lying on a bed with media
people all around him.]
[southern accent] I wash myself with a rag on a stick.
[The media applauds.]
-- Love those sponge baths, "King-Size Homer"
Lisa: Ew! Mom, this whole thing is really creepy. Are you sure you
won't talk to Dad?
Marge: Mmm, I'd like to, honey, but I'm not sure how. Your father can
be surprisingly sensitive. {Remember when I giggled at his
Sherlock Holmes hat? He sulked for a week and then closed his
detective agency.}
Lisa: Well, maybe you'll have to hurt his feelings. The longer he
lives likes this, the harder it'll be to go back.
Marge: [realizes] You're right. Maybe if I use my least nagging tone of
voice...[tries]
Homer? [tries again]
Homer! [tries again]
Homer...that's it. That's the one. All right, send him on in.
-- Marge finds her center, "King-Size Homer"
Lisa fetches Homer.
Lisa: Dad?
Homer: Yes, honey?
Lisa: Um...Mom just baked a cake.
Homer: Ooh! [walks into kitchen] Huh?
Marge: Homer, we need to have a serious talk.
Homer: You dragged me all the way from work for that?
Marge: Let's quietly and calmly discuss the pros and cons of your
controversial plan, shall we?
Homer: I --
Marge: Con! You're endangering your health.
Homer: Pro: I'm drought-and famine-resistant.
Marge: Con! You're setting a bad example for the children.
Homer: Pro: I, er, don't have to go to work.
Marge: Con! You're running the air conditioner non-stop. It's freezing
in here.
Homer: Pro. Uh...uh.. I love you?
Marge: Con: I'm finding myself less attracted to you physically.
Homer: Marge, this is everything I've ever dreamed of right here and
nobody's gonna take it away from me. You never had faith in me
before, but let me tell you, the slim lazy Homer you knew is
dead. Now I'm a big fat dynamo! And where's that cake?
Marge: There's no cake.
Homer: [sulking] Oh.
-- The cake was the cheese, "King-Size Homer"
Homer sits at his terminal.
Homer: "Vent radioactive gas?" [types] Y E S.
"Sound alertness horn?" Y E S. [it sounds in the distance]
"Decalcify calcium ducts?" Well, give me a Y, give me a...Hey!
All I have to type is Y. [to Marge] Hey, Miss Doesn't-find-me-
attractive-sexually-anymore: I just tripled my productivity!
Marge: Good. Good for you.
Homer: Y. Y. Let's see, so many letters to choose from. I'll pick Y!
Y. Y. [sees SLH] Wha -- what the heck are you doing over there?
[Pushes SLH down to the floor.]
There, you found the floor.
SLH: Arf!
Homer: Y, Y, Y. Y. Y.
Marge: I'm going out, I run errands during the day.
Homer: Could you pick me up a lemonade and a beer?
[The door slams.]
-- Not in this fat lifetime, "King-Size Homer"
{Later, Homer is nodding off at his terminal. Mail slides through the
slot.}
Homer: {[excited] The mail, the mail is here!
[Reading.]
Oooh, an urgent plea from Edward James Olmos. "Lisa Simpson -
can you afford to miss another issue of the Utne Reader?" Heh
heh heh, kids. Huh? "Free sample of fabric softener"...woo
hoo!}
-- Filling his idle time, "King-Size Homer"
{Cut to Homer standing in front of the washing machine in the basement.}
{[his hat tumble-dries to a stop]}
Homer: {[putting it on] Mmm, I _can_ feel three kinds of softness. }
Lisa: {Dad, what are you doing down there?}
Homer: {Washing my fat guy hat, honey.}
-- I didn't know there was such a thing..., "King-Size Homer"
Cut to Homer in front of the TV watching a soap
Announcer: We now return to "Search for the Son".
Woman: According to Daddy's will, _I_ inherit the entire plantation.
Man: I'll see to it you don't get apricot one!
-- Homer watches daytime TV, "King-Size Homer"
Homer uses a broom to hit at the keyboard in the general vicinity of the
"Y" key. Several kids gather outside to watch him through the window.
Milhouse: Uh...what's your dad's job again?
Bart: He's a nuclear safety technician.
Nelson: What's he doing with that broom?
Bart: [sheepish] Uh...what isn't he doing?
Jimbo: I heard that guy's ass has its own congressman.
[laughs, gives Nelson a high five]
Lisa: Hey, leave my dad alone. Just because he's overweight doesn't
mean he's bad: he's a sweet man and he has real feelings.
Homer: [inside] Hey, what are you kids looking at?
Milhouse: Hey, look he's trying to get up and yell at us!
Homer: Don't make me close that shade!
[pokes window with broom, then loses interest]
-- Idle threats -- literally, "King-Size Homer"
Bart: Hey, Homer, you promised Mom you wouldn't wear your dress
outside.
Homer: Nuts to that. I'm going to the movies.
Lisa: Shouldn't you be working?
Homer: I've got someone to cover for me.
[Camera shows drinking bird repeatedly pressing 'Y' on the
keyboard.]
-- That's using its head, "King-Size Homer"
Homer goes off to "Honk If You're Horny!" starring Faye Dunaway and
Pauly Shore.
Homer: One for "Honk", please.
Ticketeer: Oh. Gee, uh, just a minute. I have to check with the
manager.
[to manager] That overweight guy wants to see the movie.
Manager: I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I'm afraid our facilities are
not equipped to meet your needs.
Homer: What are you talking about?
Manager: What I'm saying, sir, is that a man of your carriage couldn't
possibly fit in our seats.
Homer: I can sit in the aisle.
Manager: I'm afraid that would violate the fire code.
Bystander: Hey, Fatty! I've got a movie for ya: "A Fridge Too Far"!
[HA]
-- Low fat-jokes, "King-Size Homer"
The rapidly-assembling crowd laughs.
Homer: Shame on all of you. Give me my dignity! I just came here to
see "Honk If You're Horny" in peace.
Manager: Sir, if you'd just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a
garbage bag full of popcorn.
Homer: This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm
sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes! The overweight
individuals in this country are just as smart and talented and
hard working as everybody else. And they're going to make
their voices heard! All they need is a leader.
[doffs his cape and struts off]
Hmph...I'll work harder than ever before and show the world
that overweight people are not undisciplined, lazy and
irresponsible.
[gets home, sees bird on its side]
What happened to my bird?
[screen is flashing "Situation critical, explosion imminent".]
[moans] Oh! Marge? Lisa? Flanders?
-- He'll find a scapegoat somewhere, "King-Size Homer"
[End of Act Two. Time: 17:04]
The screen continues to flash "Explosion imminent".
Homer: "Explosion imminent?"
[scrolls back through text, sees gas wasn't vented]
Oh my God! The plant's going to explode!
[shot of Lenny and Carl walking past the rumbling tank]
Carl: Hey, that thing's going kaka cuckoo.
Lenny: Who cares? It's Homer's problem.
-- Abrogation of duty, "King-Size Homer"
Back at the Simpsons...
Homer: Wait, I know: [types] vent gas.
[reads screen] "Pressure too high?"
"Tank must be shut down manually?"
[to drinking bird] Oh, stupid bird! I never should have put
you in charge! [strangles it a bit]
Oh, who am I kidding? It's all my fault! [the bird nods]
I've got to call the plant and warn them!
[grabs phone, but his fingers are too fat to dial one key at
a time]
Operator: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a
special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm
now.
Homer: [screams] Aah!
-- Clever diagnostic messages, "King-Size Homer"
Homer: I'm going to have to shut it down myself. Fat, don't fail me
now!
[jumps in car; tires blow out]
D'oh!
[jumps on skateboard; it snaps in half]
[moaning] Oh.
[tries hitchhiking with a sign "Give me a ride or everybody
dies]
[a car pulls over]
[quickly] Hey, buddy, you gotta slow your car down and let me
in, because I'm a big fat guy and I can't go anywhere! Because
there could be some poison gas, I I mean there's really going to
be poison gas, and everybody's going to be dead, Especially me!
[car drives away]
D'oh!
-- So much for plan A, "King-Size Homer"
An ice cream truck drives into view. Homer flags it down and starts
blabbering again.
Homer: Hey, buddy, you got to let me in your car --
Vendor: [frightened] Take anything you want, man! Take it all!
-- Homer vs. Big Chief Krazy Kone, "King-Size Homer"
Homer pushes him out of the truck and drives away. Cut to Burns and
Smithers leading exercise at the SNPP. Burns entreats, "Push out the
jive...bring in the love." On the school bus, Ralph is sitting behind
Lisa.
Ralph: I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the
restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.
Lisa: Hey, my dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some
kind of food-crazed maniac.
Homer: [driving past the bus, stuffing his face] Oh, that's raspberry!
-- Well, not usually, anyway, "King-Size Homer"
Homer crashes through the gate at the SNPP. The exercise crowd gets
excited upon seeing the ice-cream truck.
Burns: Workers, please! There will be time for the frozen pudding wagon
later. You still owe me ten more Iroquois Twists!
[The crowd obeys.]
Ten Hi Ya Ya...
[shout]
and Nine Hi Ya Ya...
-- Aerobatic devotion, "King-Size Homer"
Homer drives up the side of one of the cooling towers, some workers
holding frantically onto the sides of the truck.
Homer: Get away, damn it! Run for your lives!
Worker #1: I'll take a rocket pop!
Worker #2: What can I get for thirty cents!?
Homer: Let go, I've got to get to the tank!
[the truck crashes and tips on its side; Homer runs out]
Worker #3: Heck, I can't decide without the pictures.
-- "King-Size Homer"
Homer climbs the side of the ready to burst tank. He passes signs
pointing to the "manual shutdown" switch. As the workers count off the
last few Iroquois Twists, Homer struggles to reach the switch, only to
fall and grab clutching at the catwalk above the tank. "Stupid switch!"
he laments, "I wish I had my reaching broom! Wait a minute, there's
probably a --" The tank explodes, venting green gas with great force.
Homer falls screaming into the tank opening, his tremendous girth
sealing the opening and ending the crisis.
Later, all the employees gather to applaud Homer.
Burns: Homer, your bravery and quick thinking have turned a potential
Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island. Bravo!
[Places an award around Homer's neck.]
Lisa: I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day while a slimmer man
would have fallen to his death.
Bart: And I think it's ironic that for once Dad's butt prevented the
release of toxic gas --
Marge: Bart!
Burns: [to Homer]
We'll have you out of there as soon as our tech boys get you
decontaminated.
Homer: Thank you Mr. Burns --
[giggles as the technicians hose off his lower half]
It was pretty scary up there -- [laughs] -- for a while I feared
for my life -- [laughs more]
Burns: Now Homer, if there's anything else I can do for you...please
don't hesitate to ask.
Homer: [gazing at Marge before answering]
Mr. Burns, can you make me thin again?
Burns: I guarantee it.
-- Give him a week..., "King-Size Homer"
Cut to the exercise yard at night. Mr. Burns is leading a chant while
Homer tries to do sit-ups.
Burns: One...ONE....ONE!
[Homer struggles to do one situp.]
Bah, I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction!
Homer: Woo hoo!
-- The easy way out, "King-Size Homer"
[End of Act Three. Time: 21:16]
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If Mike Williams ever met Chuck Norris, the world would implode.
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The "according to Wikipedia" part made me laugh.
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I heard from some reliable sources within OBD that Mike Williams broke the Bod Pod on his way out.
More to come....
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There is no chin under Mike Williams' beard. There is only a massive blob of fat.
EDIT: Woo hoo! 100 posts!!! And what doozies!
Could it be the Bucs are already displeased with
in The Stadium Wall Archives
Posted
Good question.