Diary of a Fantasy Football Addict

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Diary of a Fantasy Football Adict

 

The sad thing is that I do some of these things.

 

It's 5:30 in the morning, and I'm staring at the ceiling wide awake.

 

Sleep is simply not an option. I close my eyes, try to put myself in a happier place, but just can't seem to get the horrific visions out of my head. Rodney Harrison wrecking Trent Green's knee a day after I picked him; Derrick Brooks landing on Rich Gannon's head in the first quarter of a Sunday night football game; selecting Eddie George in the second round of last year's draft. My heart keeps beating faster, faster, faster. My head is pounding. Cold sweat drips from my brow. Is there any refuge? Absolutely none at all.

 

 

It's August, and this is a nightly routine. Yes, I'm a fantasy football-aholic.

 

Based upon reader e-mails from the past few weeks, I see that I am not alone. Fantasy football is finally here. With it comes the usual ailments of the pre-draft season: insomnia, schizophrenia, and a sore wrist from the constant clicking of the "refresh" button on NFL team-specific websites. All day and all night, your thoughts are targeted at your squad. Your mind is consumed. Paying the bills? I guess you'll do without water this month. Little Suzie's dance recital? You'll have to catch the one in the winter. Your brother's wedding? Wish him the best and tell the dude "Mazel Tov." But you won't be there. It's August, and fantasy football takes first priority.

 

If you're a fantasy football-aholic, you are pretty much a nervous wreck throughout the eighth month of the year. Twenty-four hours a day, questions race through your head like lightning bolts on an open prairie.

 

Will you make the right late-round selection and spot this year's Michael Pittman? Or will you pull the trigger too fast, taking an unproven rookie over a consistent vet? Do you take two running backs in a row to start the draft? Or do you spread out your talent, focusing on the quarterback and wide receiver spots first? Team name — go funny or go serious? Wardrobe for the actual draft — football jersey or a three-piece suit? Your brain takes the shape of a football; your stomach the shape of a knot.

 

Though the typical fantasy football draft lasts only 2-3 hours, the entire experience is a 365-day process. It truly is a marathon. Those most prepared usually end up hoisting championship trophies in January. Therefore, it is in your best interest to spend as much idle or free time researching the subject at hand. If you were to take a history test against all your friends, with the highest score earning bragging rights for years to come, would you not be studying up on your facts and figures? It's the same thing. Substitute an Encyclopedia Britannica with www.rotoworld.com, James K. Polk with Irving Fryar, and the Lend-Lease Act with the West Coast offense — and you're talking peas and carrots.

 

If you really want to win your league this year, you need to go above and beyond the expected call of duty. A two-time defending champion of the East Coast Dream League, I can help you. But, I need commitment. I need dedication. I need trust. After all, without trust, what do we have?

 

The following is an itinerary for fantasy football boot camp. For the seven days leading up to your draft, follow this detailed daily schedule. Don't stray from it. Cut all your social ties, take a week off from work, and get focused. I can't babysit you, so it's in your hands. Ready? Let's go.

 

 

Morning

8 a.m.- 10 a.m.:

 

 

Breakfast: Bowl of Wheaties ... side of buffalo wings and blue cheese.

 

Read local sports section of newspaper, do the Word Jumble, and laugh out loud at a Dilbert cartoon you don't find all that funny. This is what "normal" people do. You don't want to stand out as a weirdo in public.

 

Check fantasy league message board for any digs, shots below the belt, or spelling errors by your opponents. Respond if necessary.

10 a.m-Noon:

 

 

Check Denver Broncos websites for any updates on their running back situation. Which one of their five backs will break 1,000 yards this season? One of them will — someone always does — but it's anybody's guess as to which that player will be. Figure it out.

 

Make phone call to a fellow league member and throw out fake information. Example:

You: "Hey Friend."

 

Friend: Hey ______ (Fill in your name)."

 

You: "You hear about Randy Moss?"

 

Friend: "No, what happened with Randy Moss?"

 

You: "A snow leopard bit him. Might miss the first few games of the season."

 

Friend: "I guess I'll pass on him in the first round then."

 

You: "Yes. Yes you should."

 

This is deceitful. This is wrong. But all is fair in love and war ... and fantasy football.

 

 

Run up and down the stairs a few times. Get the blood flowing. Remember, this is not a sprint, but a marathon. You'd hate to be worn out by the fourth round of your draft.

 

Afternoon

Noon-1 p.m.:

 

 

Lunch: Salad with water chestnuts and mandarin oranges ... side of buffalo wings and blue cheese.

1 p.m.-2 p.m.:

 

 

Check Minnesota Vikings websites for any updates on their running back situation.

 

Call a fellow league member and try to get him/her to divulge secrets about his/her draft strategy. Example:

You: "Hey Friend."

 

Friend: "Hey _____ (Fill in Your Name)."

 

You: "If you were on a deserted island, and needed to score a touchdown to get off it, which running back would you want with you on this said island?"

 

Friend: "Priest Holmes."

 

Me: "Okay, but say Priest Holmes — along with LaDainian Tomlinson, Deuce McAllister, Shaun Alexander, and Edgerrin James — were already on other islands. Then, which player would you want?"

 

2 p.m.-4 p.m.:

 

 

Nap. You need to be well-rested. Pace yourself.

 

4 p.m.-6 p.m.:

 

 

Work on the pronunciations of all difficult names. You'd hate to sound like an amateur on the big day. Names to focus on:

Muhsin Muhammad.

 

T.J. Houshmandzadeh.

 

Plaxico Burress.

 

Tyrone Calico.

 

Tony Zendejas.

 

 

Evening

7 p.m.-8 p.m.:

 

 

Dinner: Grilled tuna steak with steamed vegetables ... side of buffalo wings and blue cheese.

8 p.m.- 10 p.m.:

 

 

Sit down and chart out an entire mock draft, playing the role of 12 different owners. Go pick by pick, round by round, and know exactly what player you'd want in each and every situation.

10 p.m.-12 a.m.:

 

 

Grab a pen and a pad, and toss on the NFL Network. Digest everything that comes out of Rich Eisen's mouth. Write it all down. Memorize it. Learn it. Love it.

12 a.m.-1 a.m.:

 

 

Eat a late night plate of buffalo wings and blue cheese.

1 a.m.- :

 

 

Sleep.

 

Rinse and Repeat.

Is it all worth it, you ask? This sedentary lifestyle? Spending an entire week in the heart of the summer in front of a computer screen? Eating buffalo wings three meals a day?

 

Well, that's up to you, my friend. How badly do you want to win your fantasy football league?