best bills fan of 2010

[Dirtbag]

a recent thread regarding firemen ed got me thinking. let’s anoint the best bills fan of the year!

 

the candidates:

 

1. the two chefs: these guys show their everlasting devotion to the bills by wearing bedazzled chef hats and waving the “we’re number 1” finger at all times regardless of the score. they recently reached new heights of stardom by being featured in the montage that precedes videos on the official bills site. even the jills think these guys are a little attention starved.

 

2. elvis: popular myth traces his origin back to the 1992 comedic hit “honeymoon in vegas” though there is no clear evidence to support this theory. as opposed to the chefs (who unabashedly crave camera time), elvis pretends not to notice when the spotlight’s on him, often pretending to focus on the game at hand with a rare intensity, quietly muttering elvis-isms (i.e., “come on now, lil baby-baby”), and striking the triumphant elvis pose by thrusting his junk precariously (and uncomfortably) close to nearby fans. his major pet peeve is when the network shows niagara falls instead of him when returning from commercial.

 

3. pinto kenny: one of america’s fiercest advocates for binge drinking, this dude became a tailgating martyr when the nfl demanded he move his environmental disaster of a car out of the stadium parking lot. yes, you heard that correctly. his renowned, filthy bowling ball makes orchard park ground zero for thousands of hepatitis and mono cases diagnosed across the greater western new york region annually. still, no other bills fan received more attention or acclaim this year and i can’t get enough of the guy!

 

4. The chicken littles (tsw-specific): these sensitive souls fret over almost any obstacle or impediment, no matter how great or small (i.e., “jamon meredith turned his ankle in practice…this could be a huge blow!”). their concerns are often dismissed by others (see below), especially given the mediocre quality of bills player being discussed. still, if anything, their worry stems from their undying faith that the team might actually perform better than in previous years.

 

5. the DOOOOOOMMMMED generation (tsw-specific): reactionaries, these fans rely on the sarcastic “DOOOOOOOMED” retort to quickly and effectively dismiss the concerns of chicken littles. not necessarily, because they completely disagree, but rather because they think they’re worrywarts. the life cycle of this group is roughly 4 months, their first appearance usually coinciding with early team workouts. they are all but extinct after the first “real” bills game when they’re begrudgingly forced to concede that we are, in fact, actually doomed.

 

6. tim graham: a lightning rod for controversy, this gentleman was apparently run off tsw after agreeing to share his insight as a professional sports writer (an admission: i quickly lost interest in the entire episode and have no idea where the blame lies). i can’t confirm if he’s actually a bills fan -- still he posted a lot more than most of us. many members of tsw consider tim a victim and view the incident (and tim’s ensuing exile) as emblematic of the moral decline of the wall as a whole. tim, I know you’re still lurking here, so vote for yourself!

 

7. the media: this is the year the press corps rediscovered bills football. in what may go down as some of the most puzzling (and borderline patronizing) reporting in years, the mainstream media embraced and praised a team that won 4 games. i guess that beats getting ragged on.

 

8. the chan gang: these fans optimistically viewed the hiring of the newest bills coach based mostly on “the way he talks.” they greeted his practices (such as sticking the entire offensive line in a cage to teach them proper positioning) as innovative. eternal, defiant optimists, these fans were likely to also look favorably on gregg williams’ bullhorn and mike mularkey’s cheeseburger strategy. they offer a refreshing positivity rarely found in modern bills fans.

 

9. chris brown: the most optimistic bills fan in existence, brown also happens to be on the bills payroll. he’s a master of the leading question and dominates press conferences – often times it seems as if he and coach chan are on a dinner date. that said, it must be incredibly difficult for brown to continually put a positive spin on the bills’ dismal performances week after week.

 

10. guy fieri bills fans: this breed of fan is not exclusive to buffalo – wherever men gather, a contingent of guy fieri fans will be there. these former docker-wearers spend an inordinate amount of time internally debating whether they should get their tips frosted and/or purchase that ed hardy graphic t-shirt that they saw in the mall last week. half of their lexicon consists of describing things as “money” or “not money" (“dude, on last night’s triple d, this guy made a deep- fried chipotle spiked meatloaf that looked so damn money!” or “dude, my wife’s dad died last night. cancer is so not money.”). they also have a proclivity for saying, “vegas, baby, vegas.” still, they like to drink and party, which makes them eligible for this award. if you’re white, over forty, own multiple thumb rings, listen to sammy hagar and recently got a piercing or tattoo, this is you.

 

11. you: you’re easily the biggest bills fan around. how could you not get this award?

Edited January 15, 2011 by Dirtbag