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Grant

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    Something Awful mentions/pokes fun at Bills

    in The Stadium Wall Archives

    Posted

    For those too lazy to click the link, you're probably too lazy to read this text, but here it is anyway.

     

     

    Now that week three of the National Football League season has wrapped up, I think it's fairly safe to say that "football experts" are neither "experts" nor "footballs." Yes, many football analysts have leathery, dimpled skin and air-filled interiors, but they don't have double reinforced lacing and you can't throw them in a spiral twenty yards through a hanging tire.

     

    Anyways, before the season, a bunch of these jackasses picked the Kansas City Chiefs to win the AFC West. And The AFC championship. And the Super Bowl.

     

    At the end of the third week, The Kansas City Chiefs are 0-3. That means they haven't won any games. They played three games and they lost every one. They did not win any games. That's not good.

     

    Yet out of ESPN's twelve "football experts," five of them picked the Chiefs to win the Super Bowl in 2004. I'm not good at math, but I'm pretty sure that means 89% of ESPN's staff is mentally retarded.

     

    Two of ESPN's experts -- and please note that the dictionary defines expert as, "a person with a high degree of skill in or knowledge of a certain subject" -- brilliantly guessed that Kansas City head coach Dick "Weepster" Vermeil would win the Best Coach of The Year Prize Monument Award Trophy. Here's what Dick Vermeil actually said after losing to the Texans:

     

    "We've dug ourselves a big foxhole. The great thing about this organization is when we dig a foxhole, we dig it big enough for everybody to get in.''

    Wow, that's great! So instead of digging just one grave for your own elderly ass, you've dug a huge mass grave that all the players, coaches, cheerleaders, and mascots can hurl themselves into! Wonderful! COACH OF THE YEAR!!!

     

    My point is that ESPN's experts are full of bullhonkey, and I'm the only person in the entire world who is qualified to provide accurate predictions of the future outcomes of sporting events. Here's my "Hot Spicy Picks" for week four of the NFL season, and keep in mind that I know more than all the other "experts" because I am the most sassy and abrasive:

     

    New England at Buffalo

    Winner: Buffalo by 10

     

    I'm a Buffalo Bills fan and our team has lost more Super Bowls in a row than any other team in the league. So they're a force to be reckoned with. Plus, Bills Quarterback Drew Bledsoe is a marvel of human engineering. One time he threw an old crock pot fifty-four yards through the air into a dumpster. And since the Patriots traded Bledsoe away like an old sock a couple years ago, he's out for vengeance. Bitter, revenge-vengeance.

     

    If you think New England is going to win this game and break the consecutive "we haven't lost any games" record, you're an idiot with more drool coating your keyboard than ESPN's John Clayton. Buffalo will win by at least ten and punter Brian Moorman will once again show the entire league why they call him the "incredible, edible leg."

    If Rian Lindell were the Pat's kicker

    in The Stadium Wall Archives

    Posted

    A QB is only responsible for the outcome of a game 1/33rd of the time?

     

    Your saying that the QB is no more important than the Joe Schmoe punt return coverage man (which is your logic, if I'm understanding correctly), even though the QB will touch the football every play and Joe Schmoe will only be important if he A) Really fugs up or B) Does something incredible.

     

    AKC, I can't agree with you at all that the quarterback is not one of the most important positions in football. QBs do decide games far more often than you are giving credit.

    Let's suppose the Bills...

    in The Stadium Wall Archives

    Posted

    2006?!

     

    Oh, man. That's, what, seven years of no playoffs.

     

    That's almost Bengal futility. No, we need to make the playoffs this year. This team is capable of it. Our losses last year were all very close losses that could've been won had we been committed to the run. We were just as close to being 10-6 as we were to 6-10.

     

     

    If we don't make it this year, someone has to go. Maybe Modrak? For all of the hullaballoo he gets, our one draft him without him was solid to great and our drafts with him have been average to poor.

    Does Evans start instead of Reed?

    in The Stadium Wall Archives

    Posted

    That's my thinking, too.

     

    Reed has been shat upon A LOT this offseason because he alone didn't carry the offense last year.

     

    People will go up and down to make excuses for Drew Bledsoe, but no one realizes that we were without our number one receiver for most of the year (since Moulds wasn't at 100% after the Bengals game).

     

    I think Reed could very well become a formidable Hines Ward-type receiver, and we'll see a lot more production out of him this year.

     

     

    I'm excited about Lee Evans, too, but he isn't ready to start immediately.

    Why are so many down about the Bills?

    in The Stadium Wall Archives

    Posted

    I agree with that. I think teams that stumble a little bit out of the gate or face serious adversity early in the season are more successful later on because they know how to deal with it.

     

    The key, though, is how you deal with it. If we come out 0-2, that's not the end of the world. But if we're 0-2 and the team doesn't believe in themselves, then we're billsfanone.

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